


Square Root of All Evil

by EatYourHeartOut



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Blood and Gore, But only a little, Dubious Consent, F/F, Human Bill Cipher, M/M, OC (kind of), Sexy Times, Slow Burn, Triangles are sexy, Underage - Freeform, Violence, dead baby jokes, mabifica, the slowest burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-03-29 21:16:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 101,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3910987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EatYourHeartOut/pseuds/EatYourHeartOut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dipper and Mabel head to the Mystery Shack like they do every summer but things will be different this year. Soos has a baby on the way. Wendy's got a new friend with a suspicious smile. Dipper's got more love drama than his whole high school life combined. And Mabel is....well, Mabel. The mystery twins are back baby, and it's time for more adventure!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Start of Summer

“Diiiiipper!!” Mabel bounced into the twin’s bedroom in a flurry of pink wool and giggling. She landed on the end of Dipper’s bed and lay over her brother’s feet. “Have you finished packing yet?”

Dipper rolled his eyes and sat down his murder mystery on the pillow beside him. “Mabel I've been finished for four hours. I've been waiting for _you_ to finish.”

“Hahah, yeah. I just packed my last suitcase.”

Dipper studied his sister for a moment. “How many suitcases did you pack?”

“Oh…you know, just two…..plus twelve.” Mabel mumbled the last part but Dipper could still make it out.

“Fourteen suitcases!? Why do you need fourteen suitcases?”

“Well I need at least three for my sweaters and one for fancy dinner wear and don’t even get me started on how hard it was to choose between my shoes!”

“Fourteen suitcases are not going to fit in the car Mabel.” Dipper crossed his arms.

“We can strap them to the roof!” Mabel obviously had anticipated his reaction.

“No.”

“Aw c’mon bro bro!” Mabel rolled over onto his knees and looked up at him. Her eyes grew twice their normal size and her lip trembled. Luckily having spent the past 17 years with Mabel had given Dipper an immunity to her puppydog face…mostly.

Dipper sighed.

“Alright you can bring four suitcases. But that’s it!”

“Six.” Mabel countered.

“Four.” Dipper stood his ground.

“Five.”

“ _Four_.”

The siblings glared at each other. After a good thirty seconds Dipper sighed.

“Alright, five. But I’m not carrying them up to the attic once we’re at the shack.”

“Wooo!” Mabel bounced off the bed with her hands in the air. “Just let me go repack and we can get going!”She ran out of the room before dipper could protest. He groaned internally. If the past summers were anything to go by it would take Mabel at least another three hours to be finished. Meaning Dipper would probably have to drive into the early morning.

The twins had been visiting their Great Uncle’s place every summer since they were twelve. This year would be the first year they didn't have to take the bus. Their parents were letting them borrow the car under the condition it came back in the same condition it left in. Dipper figured between Grunkle Stan, Mabel and Soos, he’d be spending a lot of money on repairs before the end of the summer.

Dipper leaned back on his pillow. Despite all of his grumbling he was probably even more excited than Mabel to see the Mystery Shack. Sometime in the past five years he’d started to think of the tourist trap as his home. Not that his parent’s place wasn’t a good place to live, it was just missing that pull. Maybe it was all the mysteries or the memories or just the change in air but when Dipper left the shack it felt like he was holding in a breath and could never really fill his lungs until he was back there again.

A loud thump followed by a clatter came from downstairs. A few seconds later he hear Mabel yell “I’m okay!” up the stairs from the front hall. Dipper rolled his eyes and pushed himself up onto his feet. He supposed he’d better help Mabel pack if they wanted to get to the shack before the summer was over.

 

…

 

Dawn was peaking over the trees by the time they rolled up over the gravel outside the Mystery Shack. Mabel was curled up against the car door, breathing clouds onto the window as she slept. Dipper felt his own eyes threatening to droop now that they were off the road. Mabel had offered to switch with driving half-way through but Dipper knew he wouldn’t be able to get any rest even if she had taken over. (Not with her driving.) He reached over and shook his twin gently awake.

“Wh---who?.....Dipper?” She rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

“We’re here.” Dipper told her. Mabel looked around as she processed his words. Suddenly a loud shriek peeled from her mouth making Dipper wince and cover his ears.

“We’re here!!” Mabel shouted, already leaning halfway out the door.

“Jeez Mabel! Are you trying to wake the whole forest?” Dipper’s words went unheard as they both noticed the familiar hunched figure that had appeared at the door to the Mystery Shack.

“Grunkle Stan!” Mabel shrieked running into their Grunkle’s arms.

“Hey there – oof- kiddo.” Stan wrapped his arms around his great niece. Dipper eased himself out of the car to follow, shaking the kinks out of his legs and back from the long drive.

“Hi Grunkle Stan!” He grinned at the gravelly old man as he was swept into a hug. Stan smelled of licorice and old wood.

“Hey there Dipper. How was the drive?” Stan asked as he stepped out onto the porch with his neice and nephew.

“Er….it was alright.” Dipper shrugged, not wanting to admit that after having his license for only half a year he’d already become jaded to being behind the wheel.

“Where’s Waddles?” Mabel asked bouncing with renewed energy.

“Probably asleep like I’d like to be. It’s only five in the morning you know.” Stan answered with a yawn.

“Oh pshaw. Five is a perfectly acceptable time to wake up…and have breakfast?” Mabel looked at Stan hopefully, who merely rolled his eyes.

“Yeah alright, I guess I could whip up some stancakes…”

“Stancakes! Stancakes!” Mabel began to chant as she disappeared inside the front door of the shack. Stan held the door open for Dipper to follow but he shook his head.

“I’m gonna grab our bags before I’m too tired to keep up with Mabel.” He explained.

“Are you kidding? No one can keep up with Mabel.” Stan laughed. He pushed Dipper’s old ratty hat down over his eyes affectionitely and then followed Mabel inside the shack.

Dipper hopped down the steps towards his parents’ car. He opened the back door to remove Mabel’s extra bags first. The first pale pink suitcase crashed heavily to the ground, embedding itself a good 3 inches in the dirt.

“Just what the heck did Mabel pack? Cinderblocks?” Dipper grumbled to himself. He looked up at the brightening sky and took a deep breath through his mouth, letting it slowly out his nose, feeling himself finally relax.

Yup. There was definitely something about this place.

 

…

 

The sun shone through the attic window onto a deeply sleeping Dipper. It was late afternoon and Dipper was catching up on some much needed sleep after the long drive the night before. But was Mabel really going to let her brother sleep away the first day of summer?

No, no she was not.

“Pig canonball!” Mabel shouted as she dropped the enormous hog on Dipper’s stomach. Dipper would have screamed if it weren’t for the two tonnes of squealing ham crushing his lungs.

“Ma…bel…” He wheezed as he tried to push Waddles off of him. Waddles just flopped over onto his lap and began chewing on the blanket. Dipper had no idea how Mabel was still able to lift the pig. Waddles had grown to almost three times his original size in the passed few years and it still seemed like he was putting on weight.

“Rise and shine bro-tato! We’ve got a start of summer bonfire to attend!”

“Ugh…Mabel. Can’t you just go without me?” Dipper rolled over and pulled the sheet over his head only to throw it off of him in disgust. It was covered in pig spit.

“No way Dipper! You gotta come! It’s tradition!” Mabel unzipped one of her suitcases across the room and was rummaging through it.

“It’s not a tradition, Mabel. You just started this bonfire thing last year!” Dipper grunted as Waddles started to suck on his elbow, leaving globs of pig saliva on his skin.

“Well that’s how traditions start!” Mabel told him as she unloaded several – were those cinderblocks? – from her suitcase. Dipper gave Waddles a playful shove as he swung his feet over the side of the bed and glanced at his alarm clock. It was already 5:30 pm. He should probably be grateful to Mabel for letting him sleep at least that much.

Mabel tucked a couple of cinderblocks under each arm and lifted them with ease. “C’mon Waddles!” she called and the pig jumped off Dipper’s bed and landed on the floor with a board-shaking flump. “The bonfire starts at 8:00 sharp!” She told Dipper as Mabel and her pig trotted out the door. Dipper sighed and looked longingly back at his pillow.

“And don’t even think of going back to bed or I’ll sic Stan on you!” She called from the stairway. How did she do that? Dipper grumbled to himself as he pulled on some fresh clothes.

After stopping in the kitchen to grab a cold poptart, Dipper made his way to gift shop where Stan was regaling a polite Melody with some kind of crazy story.

“-so then I said ‘but her aim is getting better!’” Stan finished just as Dipper entered the store. Melody giggled, trying not to snort.

“Hey Melody!” Dipper waved.

“Hi Dipper!” Melody heaved herself up from the chair behind the cash desk. As she came around the side to give Dipper a hug he could see her ballooning stomach. He was careful not to hold her too tightly when they hugged.

“Wow you really did swallow that whole watermelon!” Dipper tried to joke but felt embarrassed as soon as the words came out his mouth. Luckily Melody had a good sense of humor.

“Yup! I think there may have been a baby inside it!” She quipped. The bell over the front door chimed and Soos came dancing through the entrance.

“Hey there Dipper!” He said, scooping Dipper into a big hug. “Admiring my beautiful wife?”

“No…I-er….” Dipper tried to think of the most polite way to answer the question but Soos waved him off.

“Only one more month till the little gremlin gets here!” He said. Melody gave him a playful push.

“Stop calling our child a gremlin!”

“Hey maybe he is a gremlin or maybe he’ll be born with like, an extra arm growing out of his forehead.”

“And if he is we’ll love him _or her_ the more for it.” Melody inserted herself underneath one of Soos’s arms.

“Well yeah dude.” Soos wrapped that arm around Melody and leaned down to give her an eskimo kiss. If Dipper had been younger he would have made gagging noises and pretended to barf. Instead he just looked at his feet awkwardly.

“Hey, hey! What did I saw about making goo-goo eyes in the store?” Stan interjected. “You’ve both got work to do! Chop chop!” Both Melody and Soos laughed as they were pried apart.

“You coming to the bonfire tonight?” Soos asked as he was being pushed across the floor by Grunkle Stan.

“I don’t think Mabel would let me skip it.” Dipper answered.

“Hah, yeah. Well maybe you’ll get a chance to catch up with Wendy.” Soos said.

“Wendy’s coming?” Dipper hadn’t seen Wendy in person in two years. Last year she’d spent the summer doing an internship up north.

“Yeah dude. I heard she’s bringing a friend or something too.”

Dipper thought about that. He’d been turned down by Wendy during his first summer in Gravity Falls. They’d remained pretty good friends after that, exchanging a lot of skype calls and e-mails between the summers but every once is a while he’d wonder what would happen if he asked her out again. I mean, a three year age difference didn’t matter as much as it had when he was twelve, right?

“Hey, when I say no goo-goo eyes that goes for you too.” Stan said, interrupting Dipper’s thoughts. Dipper blushed. “Here,” Stan shoved a stack of flyers into Dipper’s hands, “put these up would ya?” Dipper looked down at the orange copies. _Mystery Shack Start-of-Summer Sale!_ They read. _Bobbleheads only $45, Doo-hickies only $50 and T-Shirts only $75._ There were little clip-art bonfires and barbecues all along the bottom.

“Grunkle Stan, these prices are more expensive than your regular ones.” Dipper commented. Stan grinned.

“Well yeah. If you make people think they’re saving money there more likely to spend more!” Stan shoved a stapler ontop of Dipper’s stack. “Now get a move on! Those posters won’t put up themselves!”

Dipper took the stack with him outside, waving to Melody again on his way out. If Wendy was going to be at the bonfire tonight then he would just have to come up with some sort of plan-

Whoa there. Whoops. Dipper chided himself. He’d almost fallen back into his old bad habits. He wasn’t the old Dipper anymore. No sir. He was the new and improved Dipper. Dipper 2.0 if you will. He’d grown a couple of feet (although Mable was now a full inch taller), his arms were less noodly and he’d even started to shave! That’s right, this Dipper didn’t need some sort of convoluted plan. He could be natural and just wing it. After all he already had experience with Wendy turning him down. It couldn’t get worse than that, right?

 

…

 

“Hey Dipper! Long time no see!”

Dipper’s heart flipped like a pancake with a little sizzle at the familiar voice when he turned to see Wendy pushing through the crowd towards him. The light from the building bonfire made her hair look extra firey. It was shorter than he remembered, ending at the bottom of her chin instead of passed her shoulders.

“Hey Wendy!” Dipper called, cursing internally when his voice went up an extra octave for her name. He smiled as she finally made her way to him but it faded fast when he saw her arm was looped around  someone else’s elbow. Someone who looked suspiciously like a boy.

His heart flipped back over to brown the other side as she let go of the man to give him a hug and he squeezed her back, trying not to be creepy about the fact that he could smell her shampoo. It smelled like cinnamon.

Dipper’s heart did yet another flip for good measure when Wendy introduced her companion. “This is my friend, Bill.” _Friend._ She’d said _friend,_ right? Dipper stuck out his hand politely but the blonde gentleman ignored it and pulled him into a one-sided hug. It lasted a little longer than he would have liked and Dipper awkwardly patted the man’s slim back before giving him a small push away. Bill stepped back but left one of his hands on Dipper’s shoulder, keeping the two of them in close proximity.

“Dipper’s one of the coolest people in Gravity Falls!” Wendy explained to Bill. Dipper felt his pancake heart crisping up and the heat rushing to his cheeks.

“It’s nice to meet you Dipper.” The man’s voice was higher pitched than Dipper had expected and there was something odd about it. As if he’d heard it somewhere before. But he’d think he’d remember if he’d met Bill before. The guy looked a bit….well _bizarre_ was the kind way to put it and _hipster_ was probably the less kind way of putting it. He wore a vertically striped yellow flannel shirt with a black bowtie. His gray jeans rocked some clashing purple suspenders finishing in white high tops that glowed yellow in the light from the fire. There was also something unnerving about his wide-smiled expression. One of his eyes seemed…too big? Unfocused maybe? Dipper couldn’t be sure. Bill coughed awkwardly when Dipper realized he’d been staring.

“Uh…good to meet you too.” Dipper almost reached his hand out for another handshake but shoved it deep in his pocket before he embarrassed himself more. Wendy nodded at both of them, as if admiring her hard work at introductions.

“You’ll probably see Bill around lots. His family is…going through some stuff so he’s staying with us this summer!”

“You mean like…at your place? O-or like at a hotel…?” Dipper felt his heart charring on the burner.

“My place! He’s staying in one of my bro’s old rooms.” Wendy grinned as a thought occurred to her. “Oh! Have you seen Mabel?” She turned to Bill. “You have got to meet his twin sister!”

“Yeah?” Bill’s eyes flickered as a shower of sparks rose out of the bonfire. Dipper found himself unconciously leaning back away from the gaze.

“Uh…yeah…Mabel. I think I saw her talking to Grenda over there?” Dipper pointed somewhere random across the crowd.

“Sweet! Thanks Dip! We’ll catch up later, yeah?” She was already dragging her new _friend_ by the arm.

“See you soon, Dipper!” Bill called as he followed Wendy, his wide grin illuminated by the fire made Dipper’s skin crawl and he gave them a half-hearted wave goodbye. He felt his burnt heart crumble into ashes in his chest.

They were almost definitely together. Why would you invite a boy to stay the summer at your house if you guys were just platonic? _Well it’s not like they’re staying in the same room._ Dipper reasoned. But what did that matter? Manly Dan probably wouldn’t let his daughter sleep in the same room as a strange guy. _But she introduced Bill as a friend._ Maybe she was just trying to keep things casual? Ugh! He didn’t know! Dipper needed more information. He should talk to Mabel. Maybe Wendy had talked to her about this Bill character before? Then they could-

“Oof!” Dipper ran straight into someone, bumping his chin against the guy’s shoulder. He hadn’t even realized he been pacing. “Ah, I’m sorry man.”

“That’s okay, Dipper!”

Dipper took a step back to see the smiling freckled face of Dale, one of Wendy’s brothers. He was a year younger than Dipper and had taken over Wendy’s job as a cashier at the Mystery Shack when she’d left for university. He was a little more timid than his sister, making him the perfect victim for Stan’s pranks. But Dale had a lot of heart and he’d taken quite the liking to the Pines twins. He’d even followed Mabel and Dipper on a couple of their adventures.

“Hey Dale.” Dipper gave the kid an easy smile. Dale was fun to have around. Unlike Mabel he actually listened to most of what Dipper said and gave him his opinions on Dipper’s ideas. (Even though sometimes Dipper had to coax it out of him.) “Having fun?”

Dale nodded, drumming his fingers along the plastic cup in his hands.

“Are you working at the Mystery Shack again this summer?” Dipper asked, taking a sip of his own water that he’d forgotten he was holding.

“Yeah. I’m splitting the shifts with Melody until she goes on leave, then I’m taking over for her. Have you heard what Soos is thinking of naming the kid if it’s a boy?” Dale swept his red bangs nervously to the side.

“No, what?” Dipper said.

“Stan.”

“What!? Really? So it’ll be like…Stan Jr?” Dipper asked. Dale nodded and they both started cracking up. “Man can you imagine? Stan would probably use him as some sort of ‘mini-me’ attraction.”

Dale snickered. “He’d probably teach the kid to pick pockets and steal jewelry.” Dipper laughed even louder.

“That’s exactly the kind of thing Stan would do!” It took a couple moments for the pair of them to calm down and Dipper was still chuckling when he took another sip of his water.

Dale shuffled his feet and Dipper noticed that he seemed more nervous than usual. He was looking at his fingernails and at the people around them but never seemed to look Dipper in the eye. Dipper was about to ask what was up when Dale spoke first.

“Hey Dipper, do you think I could talk to you for a second?”

“You’re talking to me right now dude.” Dipper noticed Dale wince slightly.

“No…like I mean….in private.” Dale mumbled slightly near the end, wiping a hand on the back of his dark jeans.

“Yeah sure.” Dipper said. Dale’s eyes lit up and Dipper couldn’t help but smile. Obviously Dale had something big to tell him, since he was looking so nervous and sweaty. Dipper could empathize with nervous and sweaty. They both crushed their empty cups and tossed them onto the ground before heading out.

He let Dale lead him a bit deeper into the woods. They stopped at an old rotting log that was far enough away from the party that they’re eyes had to adjust to the darkness but not so far they couldn’t hear the crowd.

Dipper couldn’t help but feel apprehensive. His mind wandered to what could be hiding amongst the trees, waiting to pounce. He chocked it up to his mystery hunter instincts.

Dale sat on the end of the log, rubbing his arm and looking like he might bolt any minute. Dipper couldn’t imagine what would make the kid so nervous as he sat down on the other end of the log and stretched out his legs. He played with the hood of a toadstool while he waited patiently for Dale to collect himself.

“Okay…..okay………………okay.” Dale said. Dipper waited.

Dale opened his mouth and inhaled. “……okay. So we’ve known each other for a while now right? And you’re like…pretty cool. Well not pretty…like _really_ cool and you’ve got you know…..your hat...and I know I’m not….like I’m not my sister and I know you had this huge crush on her-” Dipper accidentally crushed the toadstool in his hand as he felt his cheeks flush.

“What? Psh…I don’t….what…Who told you!?” Dipper floundered.

“What?” Dale looked at him in confusion.

“Was it Mabel? Oh man I’m gonna kill her!” Did everyone have to know about his crush on Wendy? Seriously her brothers even knew? Dipper hid his face in his hands. No wonder Dale was feeling awkward.

“No! Man that wasn’t what I…Look, Dipper,” Dipper felt Dale’s tentative hand on his shoulder and he lifted his head ready to apologize for having inappropriate thoughts about the dude’s sister. “I…kind of have a crush on you.”

It took Dipper a second.

Okay a couple of seconds. He was pretty sure a couple of mosquitoes had time to fly into his mouth as he sat there with it hanging open. Dale was doing his best to keep his composure but even in the low light Dipper could tell his face was beat red and the hand not on Dipper’s shoulder was shaking. Dipper had to make this easier on him.

“Um, Dale…I’m really flattered but-“ Dipper saw the boy’s face deflate, “-I like girls.” Dale recoiled his hand from Dipper’s shoulder and nodded slowly.

“Yeah. That’s what I kinda figured? I just thought there might be, you know, a slight chance and since people say I look a lot like my sister…yeah…it’s stupid. Let’s just forget I said anything okay?” Dale turned away from Dipper and Dipper felt his chest squeeze for the poor guy. It was just like when he was twelve and crushing madly on Wendy.

Dipper liked Dale. Not really in _that_ way…but Dale didn’t deserve to have his heart broken into a million sharp pieces. There must be something Dipper could say to him that would make him feel better.

“No it’s not stupid. I mean…I guess I’ve never really dated any guys...um, before…” Dipper started. Dale perked up a little but still looked away. Dipper didn’t know if this would be crueller in the end but he couldn’t let Dale down just like this. “I’m not saying this is a yes…but…well, let me think about it?” Dale’s head whipped back around and his eyes were –honest-to-god- shining.

“Really?”

“Yeah, no promises but you’re a good guy so I should at least think about it right?” There was a pause. Then Dipper rummaged a little numbly in his pocket for his phone and handed it to Dale who looked like he’d just been handed a rubik’s cube. “Give me your number and I’ll call you…when I’ve…um, thought about it.” Dale slowly clued in and fumbled with Dipper’s phone. The screen illuminated his face – and yup, bright cherry pink. When he handed the phone back he looked up from under his bangs into Dipper’s face.

“Thank you. You know, it’s okay if you say no….so um…thank you.” Suddenly Dale’s arms were around Dipper’s neck and Dipper could practically feel the heat from his face. Dale broke the hug just as abruptly as he’d started it and stood up.

“So….uh…right….call….me?” Dale said as backed away. Then he turned and sprinted into the trees. Dipper heard him muttering and after a few seconds could have sworn he heard Dale trip over something. Dipper chuckled quietly and soon he was racked with non-stop giggling. All the past hours he’d spent worrying over Wendy seemed years away now, like some distant memory. He knew there were a lot of questions buzzing around his head and he would have to crack in and deal with those eventually but for now he felt…light. So Dale liked him, huh? He’d never really been on the receiving end of a crush before but he kind of liked the feeling. His giggling subsided.

A large “BOOM” made Dipper jolt and fall backwards off the log onto his back. He stared up at the sky as another firework shattered across the dark and the not-so-distant crowd cheered in “oohs” and “ahs”.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first real fic! I hope everyone is enjoying the Dip and Dale bit so far. Don't worry, Bill will be getting in on that action too. When I said slow burn I meant it!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	2. Dating is Hard

It took Dipper exactly four days to call Dale back.

He was right about the hornet’s nest of questions. The morning after the bonfire his mind had exploded on him after trying to keep quiet all night. Dale was gay? Did Wendy know? Did Manly Dan know? And he liked Dipper? Just what about Dipper did Dale like? How long had he had a crush on Dipper? Was Dipper his first crush? What would happen if Dipper said yes? What would he tell Mabel? What would he tell Stan? Did that mean he was really gay? Or maybe he was bisexual? What if Dale eventually wanted to marry Dipper? Was gay marriage legal in this state? What about kids? What about SEX? What about-

“Dipper you’ve been banging your head against the totem pole for a while now. Are you okay?” Mabel had interrupted his thoughts. He’d mumbled something in response and wandered in a half stupor up to their shared room.

Even Stan was worried about him. By the third day Stan had awkwardly offered Dipper a beer. Dipper had accepted but barely made it passed the first quarter of the can before it went flat and warm.

“You’re acting weird kid. Weird even for you. You sure there’s nothing I can help with?” Stan had asked. Dipper just shook his head and stared at the wall.

On the fourth day he figured he’d try to get some help, if only to placate Mabel and Stan’s worries.

“Hey Mabel…can I ask you something?” Dipper had found her knitting in the living room as usual. Mabel looked up from the purple abomination as if she’d been expecting this. She patted the floor next to her.

“Tell me what’s on your mind, bro. Doctor Mabel is in the house.”

Dipper sat down and took a deep breath. “Okay so let’s say for your entire life you’ve just assumed you don’t like pizza. You’ve never had any desire to try it and it wasn’t like you spent a lot of time thinking about pizza. Not that you had a problem with pizza or thought it was particularly gross or anything. Like you could appreciate the fact that other people really like pizza it just never seemed like something you would like. So anyways you grow up and now ‘not liking pizza’ is like a part of your identity, you know? But now someone is asking you if you want to have some of their pizza. And you’ve spent so long not liking pizza but part of you is curious. I mean what if pizza is really good? But does that mean you are no longer this person who doesn’t like pizza? Or worse what if you try this person’s pizza and don’t like it? Would that confirm that you don’t really like pizza or would it just mean you don’t like _that_ person’s pizza?”

Mabel stared at her brother for a minute. “So…you really want a pizza?”

“Ugh no! Mabel the pizza is a metaphor!”

Mabel stared at her brother for another minute. “A metaphor for….grill cheese?...pancakes?...macaroni salad? You really want macaroni salad.”

“NO! Man just…nevermind.” Dipper groaned and hopped back up to run back to his bed. Mabel stared after him for yet another minute.

“So does this mean you don’t like pizza anymore, Dipper?” She yelled to him as he climbed the stairs to the attic.

“SHUT UP ABOUT THE PIZZA!” Dipper shouted in exasperation before slamming the door behind him. He slid his back down the door until he was sitting on the floor with his face in his hands.

Maybe he was making things too complicated. I mean he did like being around Dale and he’d really helped him and Mabel with that cursed teapot that one time. He was fun to play checkers with and when Dipper got too full of himself, Dale never called him directly out on it. Dale would just nudge him into remembering he didn’t know everything. Plus he _was_ pretty good looking. Like objectively. He had this kind of curly mop-head thing going on that was cute. I mean, sure he didn’t like Dale the way he had liked Wendy but he really only had that one point of reference as far as romantic feelings went. And what did he really know about Dale anyways? He couldn’t remember asking him about any of his embarrassing secrets or his favorite snack food. Surely you had to know a person’s favorite snack food before you really knew how you felt about them, right?

Dipper took out his phone and turned it off and on a couple of times before searching up Dale in his contacts. The phone rang only once before Dale picked it up.

“Hey Dale, it’s me Dipper.”

 

…

 

Dipper waited outside the theaters as casually as he could. He tugged at his hat, smoothing his hair underneath and putting it back on. He’d been doing this non-stop for 20 minutes and was pretty sure the woman behind the ticket desk suspected he was going to rob the place. Dale had agreed to meet him at 1:00 and it was only 12:41. He wondered if should have brought flowers or like a little gift of some sort. This was his first date so he wasn’t really sure.

Dipper looked up at the screen times again. Gravity Films only had film releases from a few months ago, so no new blockbusters were playing. Dipper kind of wanted to see _Skull Crasher 3000_ but that didn’t really feel like a date kind of movie. _Rose Coloured Letters_ was the only film that sounded like it might be romantic but the on-screen couple was a male-female couple. Would Dale find that insulting? Or maybe just a turnoff. N-not that Dipper was trying to turn Dale on or anything…but…but what if Dale wanted to be turned on? Oh god, oh god, oh god he was not ready for this. He bent over trying to stop himself from hyperventilating.

“Hey Dip!” Dale called, making Dipper jump. Dipper turned to see his (ohmygod) date waving at him. He was wearing a black T-shirt with a trippy design on it that moved when you viewed it from a different angle. 

“Hey Dale.” Dipper tried to cover up the octave jump with a cough. The kid beamed at him. His excitement was almost infectious.

“I didn’t expect you to already be here.” Dale said. Dipper did a watch check and saw the time was 12:46. Dipper avoided Dale’s eyes and shuffled his feet.

“Uh, yeah. I was worried about being late…” When Dale didn’t say anything Dipper looked up to make sure he was okay and – oh. The guy’s face had turned a shade of pink and he brushed a stray bang behind his ear sheepishly.

“D-did you decide on a movie?” Dale asked, changing the topic. Dipper responded with the first title he could remember.

“Rose Coloured Letters looked good.” He mentally hit himself for the lame choice.

“Hmm… I kind of wanted to see Skull Crasher 3000.” Dale said. Dipper mentally hit himself again. He was about to forego his movie choice but Dale spoke first. “How about we rock paper scissor for it.”

“Rock, paper…scissors!” Getting swept up in the nervous energy, Dipper threw rock, while Dale threw scissors. “Looks like Rose Coloured Letters it is!” Dipper mentally hit himself a third time.

They waited in a short line at the ticket counter while Dipper tried to think of a way to backtrack on his movie choice without looking like an idiot. Before he could figure it out, Dale had both asked for and paid for the tickets. Dipper fought the urge to actually hit himself in the face. He did better in the popcorn line though, convincing Dale to let him pay.

“Alright but only if we share.” Dale relented on his own terms. Dipper agreed and soon they were sitting in the darkened theatre, shoes sticking to the floor and watching the pre-movie ads while munching on overly buttered popcorn.

Dipper was finding it difficult to keep still. He leaned forward, then back, crossed and uncrossed his legs and switched from right to left cupholders. He could swear Dale was watching him but every time he peaked over Dale’s eyes were on the screen. Dipper tried to think of something to talk about before the movie started. What did they have in common? …Wendy? No way, that would just be bad tact to bring up, considering Dale knew all about his pre-teen crush. School? That seemed like a safe topic, if maybe a little boring. But what should he ask? Just as Dipper’d decided on a question, the sound came screeching out of the front speakers. Both Dale and Dipper cupped their hands over their ears as someone adjusted the audio. The theatre darkened and Dipper jolted forward in his seat when he felt a hand grip his. He looked over at Dale when the screen came to life and met his eyes. He was smiling and probably blushing even more than he had been outside. As nervous as Dipper thought he was himself, Dale was probably ten times more nervous. After all he was the one who’d confessed to Dipper.

Dipper sighed to himself internally and sat back, keeping his hand comfortably in Dale’s. The least he could do is stop freaking out and just go with it. He’d already made up his mind to date Dale and he wasn’t going to go regretting it now just because of his stupid nerves. He gave Dale’s hand a little squeeze, just as much for his own reassurance as for Dale’s, and turned back to watch the stupid movie. By the end their hands were stuck together with sweat and Dipper couldn’t be sure if it was Dale’s or his own.

The movie was surprisingly not terrible.

The romance was a set up for a dramatic mystery. Turns out the female lead’s grandfather was the result of a hidden love affair between her great grandmother and the male lead’s great grandfather. The second half of the film dealt with how the newly married couple would deal with the revelation that they were related. The couple started out seemingly unaffected but the knowledge slowly cracked them apart. In the end the male lead had an affair and left the female just as she’d discovered she was pregnant.

“Do you think she kept the baby?” Dale asked as they made their way out of the theatre. Dipper shrugged.

“It would make thematic sense. Like now the cycle has a chance to continue?” He thought aloud.

“Well, it was no Skull Crasher 3000 but it was pretty good.” Dale tossed the empty popcorn bag into a garbage can by the exit.

“Yeah, next time we’ll have to see that one. I kind of want to see it too.” They stopped out on the sidewalk. The air conditioning wearing off felt good on Dipper’s cool skin.

“Next time?” Dale asked, a little bit teasingly and a little bit hopeful. Dipper’s blood rushed to his face.

“Um…yeah…I mean….if you want.” Dipper rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Dale’s smile split into a goofy grin and he timidly grabbed Dipper’s hand again. Dipper felt his heart rushing through his veins as he squeezed back.

“You’re right it is them. Hey Dipper!” A voice called from behind the couple and they both jumped. Their hands dropped from each other’s quickly and Dipper shoved his in his pocket. He turned to see Wendy’s red hair bouncing towards them. A blonde headed gentleman sauntered casually behind her.

“Oh…hey Wendy! What are you doing here?” Dipper tried his best to sound relaxed.

“Oh you know, showing Bill the ‘amazing sights.’” Wendy replied sarcastically. “Dale, you should have told me you were hanging out with Dipper today. We could have cleared our schedules.”

“Oh…yeah…I figured you wouldn’t want to see a movie with your kid brother.” Dale covered smoothly. He would have been more convincing if his cheeks hadn’t been flushed.

“You kidding? I love my kid brother!” Wendy swung her arm around Dale’s neck and held him still for noogie. Dipper laughed awkwardly at Dale’s protests. It seemed they were safe, for now.

Or maybe not because Wendy’s friend Bill was looking between the Dale and Dipper, with a creepy knowing smile planted on his face. His eyebrows were raised and Dipper found he couldn’t look the man in the eye.

Well at least one eye anyways. Dipper had to do a double take. Bill’s right eye was completely black with a little eight in the middle of a white circle where the iris should have been. Bill took a slurp from the extra large drink in his hand and gave Dipper a wink with the weird eye. Dipper felt his heart skip a beat.

“Oh yeah! I never got to tell you about Bill’s eye!” Wendy said when she realized what Dipper was staring at. She let her brother stand up and elbowed Bill. “Show him! Show him!” Bill rolled his good eye and handed her his drink.

Dipper stared, simultaneously intrigued and horrified and Bill used a finger to pop out the eightball prosthetic. Bill grabbed his hand, making Dipper jump as sparks shot down his forearm. Bill’s fingers lingered for a second before sliding away, leaving the glass eye in Dipper’s palm. The warmth and sliminess of the eye gave Dipper half a mind to drop the thing but he had to admit, it was pretty cool.

“It’s not round.” Dipper commented, looking at the eye more closely.  It was sort of a warped half-sphere shape that was concave on the back side.

“Nope.” Bill said simply, taking his eye back from Dipper. Much to Dipper’s dismay, he didn’t push it back into his eye right away but rather popped it in his mouth. His lips stayed apart slightly so that Dipper could see Bill’s tongue sliding over the black glass. The sight made Dipper’s back stiffen and for some reason he could feel the tips of his ears heating up. Bill’s good eye kept itself trained on Dipper as he slowly took the eye from his mouth and pushed it back into the veiny wet skin behind his eyelid. He blinked a couple of times to make sure it was in place before giving Dipper another creepy smile.

Dipper swallowed.

“Isn’t that cool?” Wendy asked excitedly. Dipper found himself nodding dumbly.

He was unable to tear his eyes away from Bill as the man took his drink back from Wendy and gave it a long and loud slurp. He met Dipper’s gaze with a half-lidded one of his own and Dipper felt a thrill surge under his skin. Something about Bill was disconcerting….and creepy….and mysterious.

Dale cleared his throat, snapping Dipper back to reality.

“So I guess you’ll want us two out of your hair then.” Dale said as he put a hand on Dipper’s shoulder and began to steer him away.

“No way! We’re going to the arcade and I know for a fact you owe me a rematch in Fight Fighters.” Wendy swung her arm back around her brother’s neck, threatening another noogie.

“Well…Me and Dipper wouldn’t want to…you know, cramp your style.” Dale said. He was obviously floundering for an excuse.

“C’mon bro! I haven’t seen Dipper in like two years! You can’t just hog him all to yourself.” Wendy whined. Dale’s face flushed pink again. Bill grinned.

“Hey now. I’m sure there’s plenty of Dipper to go around.” Bill said, raising a suggestive eyebrow at Dipper. Dipper wasn’t sure he liked what it was suggesting.

“Hahah…yeah…plenty of….heh, good one.” Dipper said awkwardly as all eyes turned towards him. “Uh…the arcade sounds fun?”

“Yes!” Wendy fist pumped in victory. “Arcade! Arcade!” She started off in the direction of the arcade with Bill trailing a couple steps behind her. Dipper looked at the deflated Dale apologetically.

“Sorry…maybe we can continue this another day?” Dipper kept his voice low. Dale nodded slowly and Dipper, stabbed by a pain of guilt, wondered what he could do to make it up to him.

“C’mon you guys!” Wendy called, already halfway down the street.

“Coming!” Dipper yelled back. He gave Dale a sympathetic pat on the back before jogging to catch up with Wendy and Bill.

Once they were in the arcade Wendy dragged Dale off to have their rematch, leaving Bill and Dipper to lean along the far wall to watch.

“So…where did you say you met Wendy?” Dipper asked when the silence became unbearable.

“School!” Bill answered, a little too enthusiastically.

“Right…so what program are you in?” Dipper looked over at Dale and Wendy.They were trying to kick each other without taking their eyes off the screen. Looks like they wouldn’t be wanting to leave any time soon.

“History. You know: famines, the black death, the crusades, the holocaust…those kinds of things.” Bill’s grin was firmly in place and his eyes were almost twinkling.

“Heheh, yeah.” Dipper tried to laugh away his discomfort. It wasn’t working. He tried to think of another topic instead.

“What about you?” Bill interjected. “Wendy said you were really into mysteries? She said you uncovered a lot of weird paranormal stuff in this town.” Bill was examining his nails but Dipper swore he could still feel his gaze.

“Oh yeah. There’s a lot of crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. My sister, Mabel, and I have been on so many mystery hunts.” Dipper couldn’t help getting enthusiastic. He loved to talk about this weird stuff.

“Really? What’s the craziest thing or monster you’ve ever met?” Bill asked, turning to look at Dipper.

“Hmmm….” Dipper really had to think. The craziest? “Well there was this squash with a human face and emotions…”

“What.” Bill’s eyebrows furrowed and Dipper thought he saw his good eye flash red. Before Dipper could respond a loud whoop came from across the room.

“Guess who’s the champion of Fight Fighter, yet again?” Wendy was doing a victory dance while Dale rolled his eyes. Dipper approached the siblings followed closely by Bill.

“Ooh tough break man.” He said to Dale, who shot him a good-hearted dirty look. Wendy laughed.

“So are you and Mabel coming to Tambry’s party this Friday?” She asked when she’d finished teasing her brother. Dale’s eyes lit up.

“Oh yeah, you should come. - The both of you.” He added at the last second.

“Whoa wait a minute you’re not going.” Wendy said.

“Uh, yeah I am. Tambry invited me.” Dale’s bottom lip pouted out just slightly as he sized up his sister.

“No! I am not spending all night taking care of my little brother. This party isn’t like the bonfire, Dale. It’s not going to be PG-13 if you catch my drift.” Wendy crossed her arms.

“I’m 17!” Dale argued. Wendy scoffed.

“You’re 16 for another 2 months and you aren’t coming.”

“Aw come on Wendy. Dale’s responsible.” Dipper stepped in, worried about a full-blown Corduroy brawl.

“Yeah, besides you’re inviting Dipper and Mabel.” Bill added. Dipper glared at him, not wanting the reminder that he himself was just turning 18 this year.

“Yeah but that’s….” Wendy trailed off, then groaned. “Alright. Alright. But if you get in to any trouble I swear to God!” Dale waved her off.

“Yeah, yeah. I promise, you’ll barely even know I was there.” Dale smiled at his small victory. Dipper couldn’t help but smile along with him. He wasn’t really a social butterfly back home so his only experience with parties were whatever crazy shindigs Mabel was able to drum up and usually he was on butler duty for those.

“Well now that _that’s_ all cleared up.” Bill said, somehow encompassing all three of them in his long arms. His creepy grin crept back into place. “How’s about we go play with crazy axe murderers in the woods?”

“What!?” Dipper started. Bill just looked down at him and pointed innocently to the arcade corner where the old classic video game _Crazy Axe Murderers in the Woods_ sat.

“Oh, right.” Dipper allowed himself to be pushed along, despite the creepy shivers Bill’s grip sent up and down his arm. There was something not quite right about that guy.

They spent another two hours dicking around in the arcade before Dale regretfully informed them he’d promised Manly Dan he’d help wrestle up some dinner. Dipper had the idea he meant that literally. Wendy and Bill decided to head home along with him.

Outside, Dale pulled Dipper aside.

“Hey I’m sorry today kind of got…interrupted.” Dale apologized.

“No, no worries man.” Dipper said. “Look, I’ll call you tomorrow and we can figure out when to…uh hang out again.” The kid brightened considerably.

“Okay sounds good!”

Before Dipper could do anything Dale pulled him into a quick hug. Dipper just hoped this didn’t look too suspicious to Wendy as he gave him a quick squeeze back. Dale began to rush off but Dipper stopped him.

“Hey, uh before you go…what’s your favourite snack food?” Dipper asked, suddenly thinking this was a really REALLY stupid question and he should have just let Dale go. Dale gave him a confused look but considered the question.

“Hmm…that’s a tough one. I’m going to have to think about.” Dale answered.

“Oh yeah, uh don’t worry about it.” Dipper quickly backpedalled. “I’ll see ya, okay?” And Dipper rushed out of there before he could embarrass himself anymore.

 

…

 

Dale and Dipper had four dates before the morning of Tambry’s party.

Although, Dipper wasn’t really sure you could call them dates. It was mostly just him and Dale hanging around the mystery shack. Sometimes they would help Stan concoct new tourist attractions and sometimes Mabel would hang out with them. Dale even helped the twins build their own life-size version of the miniature golf course they used to make in the attic. He’d found out some things about Dale he never knew. Like that the guy had an entire collection of Shakespeare’s works he could quote by heart. Or that he could carve almost anything out of a block of wood. And don’t even get the guy started on the benefits of axes over chainsaws. (Seriously, Dipper was pretty sure he could talk for days about just that.)

But those were all things Dipper could do with a friend. Was that how dating was really supposed to be?

So this morning Dipper had invited Dale to go on a monster hunt, just the two of them since Mabel was going to the mall with Candy and Grenda to pick out new outfits for Tambry’s party. They were going to look for the Leprecorn. Half-leprechaun, half-unicorn. And if Dipper and Dale just so happened to stop and have a romantic lunch by the lake where they could have an actual date then so be it.

“Why do you think this thing will be at the lake?” Dale asked as he and Dipper made their way along the path.

“Well, there are no rainbows out because it hasn’t rained but there is one place in Gravity Falls you can always find a rainbow.” Dipper flattened the branches of a couple of bushes with his shoe so Dale could follow without getting scratched. He stopped on the other side of the brambles on a little outcropping near the falls. Dale followed him and nodded in understanding when he saw it. The sun shone through the mist of the falls so that a rainbow could be seen stretching across the water.

“So what do we do now?” He asked.

“Well the journal says it exclusively eats four-leafed clovers so if we can find one then we can use it as bait.” Dipper motioned to the clover patches covering the outcropping.

“Just four-leafed ones? How does it not starve to death?” Dale asked. Dipper just shrugged and started to search. Dale soon followed suit and a comfortable silence spread between them.

“So….” Dipper started after a couple of minutes passed. “Are you excited for Tambry’s party?”

Dale shrugged. “Eh. Tambry and the guys are pretty cool but my sister always seems to find a way to make me feel like such a little kid at these things.”

“She’s probably just looking out for you.” Dipper offered, still combing for four-leafed clovers.

“I know but it’s like…whatever made her so great? I mean sure she’s got her life pretty together now but for a while there she was in danger of flunking out.” Dipper sat up and stared at Dale. He’d never heard about this.

“Dad was pretty ticked cause he was never in favor of her going to school in the first place…but like now she thinks it her responsibility to keep everyone from screwing up or something!” Dale ripped out a handful of clover and played with it in his hands. “I think that’s why Bill’s here. Cause she thinks she can keep him out of whatever family troubles he’s got going on.”

“You don’t think they’re dating?” Dipper asked, nonchalantly. Dale looked up and met Dipper’s gaze, something sad bubbling under the surface of his expression.

“Dipper…” He said after a second. “Do you….still like my sister?”

“What? No! No…it’s just that…Bill guy kind of creeps me out.” Dipper hastily explained. Dale’s expression softened.

“Yeah he’s a bit…” Dale couldn’t seem to find the right word.

“Creepy?” Dipper offered and Dale shrugged in agreement.

The silence fell between them again but this time it was heavy. Dipper sat back with a sigh, dragging over his backpack. It was time for plan B. He unpacked the peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches he’d prepared this morning. As Dipper unpeeled the plastic wrap from one of the sandwiches he lamented the fact that he was a poor cook. Otherwise he could have prepared something fancier than sandwiches and juice boxes.

“You want a sandwich?” He held up the still wrapped one for Dale, who nodded and came over to sit next to Dipper. He picked at the edges of the sandwich and blushed when he saw Dipper noticing.

“Crusts…” He explained, leaving the browned edges in his plastic wrap and eating the inside. The silence settled uneasily again and Dipper found himself talking just to keep it at bay.

“Nice weather.”

“Mm.” Dale agreed.

“Hey does Wendy know that you’re…uh….about you….?”

Dale coughed on his bread and Dipper immediately regretted the question.

“Uh, we don’t have to talk about this if-“

“No it’s alright.” Dale cut him off. “And no I haven’t told anyone officially, although I think she could probably have guessed.”

“Oh?”

“Well yeah. I mean the posters in my room were never of ‘hot girls’ like my brothers. And one time she almost caught me and another guy on the couch…”

Now it was Dipper’s turn to choke. He forced the lump of bread past his throat.

“Oh….do you….uh, bring guys home a lot?” Wow Dipper. That was not a shitty thing to say at all. Really smooth moves there man.

“Dipper.” Dale said but Dipper was too busy wincing at himself to pay attention.

“Dipper.” He said again and this time Dipper looked up. Dale’s hand shook as it came up to rest on the side of Dipper’s face. He began to lean forward, lips slightly agap and Dipper started to freak out. He wasn’t sure he was ready for this, man he REALLY wasn’t ready for this, maybe he could just-

And it was too late because their lips had already met. Dipper felt like he should have been feeling too giddy or excited to have any thoughts but maybe his mind didn’t work that way? Instead he thought about how weirdly cool Dale’s lips felt against his. How he smelled like peanut butter. How there was still some unchewed sandwich at the back of Dipper’s mouth and he really hoped he would get a chance to swallow it or else things would be gross. His eyes blinked between open and closed because he couldn’t decide which he should do (even though Dale had his own eyes closed) and maybe if he had just kept his damn eyes close he wouldn’t have noticed the stupid thing but as it was he saw the glint of rainbow mane and couldn’t focus on anything else.

“-recorn.” He mumbled as he broke the kiss off. Dale looked at him with confusion. Dipper pointed behind him on a lower outcropping across the falls. The jolly looking creature looked up at them with big sparkling eyes and both boys fought the urge to gush out loud. Two seconds later the Leprecorn’s face darkened and its mouth opened to reveal a row of horrible sharp teeth. It let out a terrifying hiss and lept across the falls, rainbow tail flying behind it, before it landed with a sickening clop a few feet away from them.

“Run.”Dipper whispered and then a little louder as the Leprecorn’s eyes started to roll back into its head: “Run!”

He grabbed Dale’s arm and yanked his backpack on with his other hand before pulling his date back into the underbrush. He could hear the Leprecorn screeching as it galloped after them, crashing through the bushes and brambles. The branches whipped at Dipper’s face and arms when he jumped over a fallen tree and he refused to let go of Dale’s arm even though he was pretty sure he was bruising it. He nearly toppled them both over when they came out of the forest onto a small dock farther down the lake.

The Leprecorn hissed as it cornered them, forcing the two of them out onto the dock. Dipper looked around for help but the closest boat wasn’t even within shouting distance. Dale was digging in his pocket for something and his hand finally emerged holding a pocket knife. The sun glinted off the knife, catching the Leprechaun’s interest and distracting it for a second.

“That’s it.” Dipper muttered, digging in his backpack. The Leprecorn leaned back on his back hooves, ready to charge and Dale tensed.

“Here!” Dipper shouted as he threw the small change at the bottom of his bag into the air. It was mostly pennies but they were shiny enough that in the sun they looked like gold. The Leprecorn charged at Dipper’s shout but was distracted by what it probably thought was gold. In the split second of hesitation Dipper hurled himself and Dale off the end of the dock.

The water was icy and pierced straight through Dipper’s clothing. It only took Dipper a second to surface and Dale followed not too long after him. Unfortunately Dale hadn’t been expecting the jump in the water and was now coughing up half the lake.

“You okay?” Dipper called as he swam closer to his wet date. Dale held up a thumbs up in lieu of an actual response. Dipper sighed in relief and looked back towards the shore. The Leprecorn was nowhere to be seen. He swam tentatively towards shore and climbed out to where the water was just over his ankles. Still no rainbow haired monsters came charging after him. Dale swam after him, pocketing his knife and still trying to cough up water.

“We didn’t imagine it, right?” Dipper asked, looking around. Dale shook his head and pointed to the sand where a half a dozen hoof prints were embedded.

Dipper sat down on the sand beside the hoofprints to empty out his shoes and Dale did the same. Dale grinned and started to speak as soon as his coughing subsided.

“This is by far the strangest date I’ve ever been on.”

Dipper laughed. “You should hear some of Mabel’s stories.” Dale chuckled, breaking out into a cough again. Dipper got to his feet and headed to the end of the dock where his backpack had thankfully stayed dry. He shouldered it and headed back to Dale, who resembled a drowned freckled rat. Dipper helped him to his feet.

“Come on. We’ve got a wet walk ahead of us.”

 

…

 

Grunkle Stan didn’t even want to know what had happened to the two teens when they returned in the afternoon, sopping wet and covered in bruises. Mabel on the other hand had questions but she decided to get the answers later, after she’d forced a shivering Dipper and Dale into a bath and a change of clothes. Dipper was just relieved she didn’t make them take their bath together.

Dale borrowed a shirt and a pair of shorts (and boxers) from Dipper, which were all a teensy bit big on him. Dipper found him getting his hair combed out by Mabel in the living room after he’d changed into a new set of clothes himself.

“I’m running the dryer. Our clothes should be dry in time for Tambry’s party.” Dipper said as toweled off his hair.

“Thanks!” Dale said.

“Dale you are not wearing grody lake clothes to Tambry’s party. Even what you borrowed from Dipper is better than that!” Mabel scolded.

“Hey! What’s wrong with my clothes?” Dipper pouted at his sister.

“Nothing a little Mabel-izing can’t fix!” Mabel shook her “jazz-hands” before returning to de-tangling Dale’s hair.

“Oh that’s okay. I’ll just head home quickly to change before the party.” Dale said. Mabel nodded in approval and snickered at Dipper’s pout.

“I can’t believe you saw a unicorn!” She said.

“Leprecorn.” Dipper corrected. “And I can’t believe it didn’t impale us.” Dale chuckled.

“That was really clever, with the pennies you know.”

Dipper felt himself blush at the complement. “Thanks” he mumbled.

“What do you think it wanted? Gold?” Dale asked.

“I’m not sure. The journal says it’s really territorial.”

“Then the falls must be its territory.” Dale mused aloud.

“You guys were at the falls? Wow that must have been romantic!” Mabel teased. Dipper laughed along with her, probably a little too loud because she gave him an odd look.

“Is this what you’re wearing to the party?” Dale asked, changing the subject. He was rifling through the various plastic bags scattered on the floor. The one closest to him had a shiny mini-dress inside it.

“Uhuh. And we got another little something for the party too!” Mabel leaned over to grab a paper bag that had been stuffed inside one of the plastic ones. Reaching inside she lifted out a bottle of cotton candy flavored vodka.

“Mabel.” Dipper said in a warning tone. He knew Mabel had a fake ID but he’d never expected it would work in a small town where everybody knew the Pines twins.

“Oh lighten up Dip! The drinking age is like twelve in other countries.” Mabel said.

“Yeah and I’m sure those twelve year olds don’t get so plastered that they pass out in a bush in the back yard.” Dipper snapped. Mabel’s cheeks flushed.

“That was one time!” She slid the vodka back inside its bags. Dipper sighed internally. He was having a premonition that he would probably be spending half the night taking care of Mabel.

“I guess I should get going.” Dale said after a minute, standing up and cracking his back.

“What about your clothes?” Dipper asked.

“I’ll just pick them up another day.” Dale reasoned. “I still have some chores I have to finish. Dad will kill me if I go out tonight without getting them done.” Dipper didn’t doubt it.

“Okay. I guess I’ll see you at the party?” Dipper said as he walked him to the door.

“Yeah.”

Dipper and Dale stood there awkwardly. Dipper found himself thinking back to their kiss earlier and tried his best to push it from his mind. If he kept turning this red around Dale, Mabel would figure out something was up.

“Um…well see ya.” Dale finally said, opening the front door to leave.

“Bye Dale!” Mabel called and Dale gave her a wave. Dipper watched him snap on his helmet and mount his bike. He waved as Dale started towards the dirt road and closed the door with a small sigh behind him.

Rejoining Mabel in the living room, Dipper sat heavily on the couch. Mabel was unpacking her nail polish kit and set to work on her toes. Dipper watched her for a minute before he spoke.

“Mabel…how does it feel when you kiss someone?”

Mabel winced as she missed her toe and got silver nail polish on the carpet. She looked at Dipper as she cleaned up the mess.

“What’s this all of a sudden? You got some big plans for tonight?” Mabel teased, her eyebrows wiggling.

“No!” Dipper blushed again. “I was just curious! Jeez, can’t a guy ask a question?” Mabel giggled.

“Well, I guess that depends on who you’re kissing? Like sometimes it can feel really tingly and smooshy and sometimes it’s like ew.”

“What if it doesn’t feel like either of those?” Dipper asked.

“Is this about you and Mermando?”

“No! Ugh. Just forget it…” Dipper huffed. Mabel giggled again.

“I’m kidding!” She gave Dipper’s leg a gentle slap. “But seriously, I guess if you don’t feel anything when you kiss the person you probably don’t have the _chemistry._ ” She made an arcing gesture with her hands to emphasize the last word.

“What’s the _chemistry?_ ” Dipper asked, repeating Mabel’s hand gesture mockingly.

“You know. That thing in like your stomach that tells you you’re in love. It goes ba-bump, ba-bump and you feel all gooey and jittery inside.”

Dipper nodded. While that wasn’t exactly how he would have described his feelings for Wendy when he was younger, he knew what Mabel was talking about.

“Can you…do you think you can be in love without that…uh… _chemistry?_ ” Dipper asked. Mabel frowned at her toes as she expertly applied the nail polish.

“I don’t know? Maybe. But I think when you fall in love you just…know, you know?” Mabel finished up the other foot and wiggled her newly polished toes. “Why’re you asking this all of a sudden? Is this about the pizza thing?”

Dipper started. He didn’t think his sister would have been able to connect the dots. Maybe she already suspected about the Dale thing?

“Do you want me to ask Tambry to order something besides pizza for tonight?”

Or not. Dipper rolled his eyes. “No Mabel.”

“Are you sure? You know I won’t judge if you don’t like pizza bro.”

“Forget about the pizza!” Dipper snapped. Mabel just looked at her brother sadly, shaking her head.

“Alright bro, whatever you say.” She gave him another comforting pat on the foot and Dipper flopped back against the couch cushions with an exasperated sigh.

It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hunting for a rainbow unicorn is probably not the gayest possible date idea but it's damn near it! 
> 
> Bill will be getting some more action and screen time next chapter. :) Also it will get a teensy bit smutty.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. A Long Night

“Well you kids have fun. And don’t do anything I would do!” Grunkle Stan said as the twins hopped out of his car.

“Don’t you mean anything I ‘wouldn’t’ do?” Dipper asked.

“I know what I said.” Grunkle Stan gave them a final wave before backing out of the long driveway.

Tambry’s house was huge. Not quite as big as the Northwest Mansion but at least twice the size of the Mystery Shack. Groups of people were already milling about outside and as Dipper and Mabel made their way through the front door he realized he didn’t really recognize most of the people here.

Dipper felt his nerves starting to spark and he combed his bangs over his forehead with his fingers, feeling a little naked without his old hat. He really didn’t need this anxiety. He was nervous enough with what he had to do tonight.

“Mabel, Dipper!” Wendy called from the kitchen. She and her crew were sitting at the kitchen table with a series of bottles scattered around them. “Come take a shot with us!”

“Yeah!” Mabel cheered enthusiastically. Dipper scratched at a mosquito bite on his arm.

“I’ll pass.” He said as they reached the table. A long chorus of boos was taken up by the crowd around the table.

“Hey, hey. If he doesn’t want to take a shot he doesn’t have to.” Wendy defended Dipper. She was wearing butterfly clips and a black and pink poncho that made her look girlier than normal but everyone knew Wendy could kick all their asses so they backed down quickly. Well almost everyone backed down.

“Yeah, why don’t we get him some chocolate milk with a crazy straw?” Robbie shouted much to everyone’s amusement. He had an arm around Tambry’s waist, indicating that they were back together for like the sixteenth time since they had first started dating. Dipper glared him down.

“Mabel.” He said, holding out a hand. Mabel squealed and took the vodka from her purse, pouring both of them a shot. She put one in Dipper’s outstretched hand and took the other for herself.The twins linked their arms as they both knocked back the liquid.

Dipper winced as the alcohol burned down his throat, bringing a stray couple of tears to his eyes. But he swallowed it and the crowd around him cheered, much to Robbie’s dismay. Wendy gave him a clap on the back and he smiled sheepishly at her.

“There. Now lay off him.” Wendy elbowed Robbie in the ribs.

“Alright, alright.” Robbie relented, rubbing his side.

Dipper looked around. “Where’s Bill?” He asked, curious. If he were a guest in a new town he would be glued to the side of someone he knew, not milling around.

“Making new friends!” Wendy nodded towards the hall, where a very animated Bill was impressing a couple of girls with huge hoop earrings. His eightball eye had been replaced with a glow in the dark design that glowed cerulean and had a cat’s pupil. It seemed to look at Dipper (even though he knew that was impossible) while the other eye stayed trained on Bill’s audience. Dipper shifted uncomfortably.

“Wooo!” Mabel yelled, snapping Dipper out of his stupor. And yup she was already standing on a chair, taking another shot of vodka. Mabel was wearing the shiny minidress she’d bought earlier that day with black leggings underneath. There was a massive purple bow in her hair and she teetered a little on her 5 inch silver platforms. After Mabel had had her braces removed she’d really flourished in terms of her looks. Even Dipper had to admit that in the eyes of others his sister was probably a total babe.

As if on cue some douchebag with sunglasses and a popped collar slid next to her chair, hand hovering around her thigh. And of course Mabel was too busy dancing to imaginary music to notice. Dipper groaned internally. This was going to be their sweet sixteen all over again, with Dipper running around making sure Mabel didn’t get too crazy. He made his way towards his sister, not so subtly shoving the douchebag out of the way.

 “Get down from there before you break your neck.” Dipper scolded, offering Mabel a hand down. Mabel pouted but took his hand anyways. The douchebag looked ready to pick a fight but Mabel shot him a glare that made the guy think better of it. Dipper watched as he “danced” away to go grind on some girl with white pants. The girl promptly turned around and slapped him. Dipper snorted.

“Have you seen Grenda and Candy anywhere?” Mabel asked Wendy, who shook her head. “I’m gonna go look for them.”

“I’ll come too.” Dipper said. Mabel narrowed her eyes at him.

“You know you don’t need to look out for me right?”

Dipper avoided eye contact. “I know,” he lied “I want to come. Also I need to look for Dale.” He could feel Mabel scrutinizing him.

“Oh that reminds me!” Wendy interjected and luckily distracting Mabel. “I wanted to thank you for hanging out with Dale so much. He really looks up to you, you know.” Dipper felt the heat bubble behind his face. Wendy didn’t know the half of it.

“Oh, uh…no it’s no big deal…” Dipper muttered.

“It really is! He doesn’t really talk to anyone. It’s good to see him having a friend.” And now the guilt was starting to set in. Dipper _really_ didn’t need this.

“Hahah, well let’s go find Canda and Grendy.” Dipper pushed his sister out of the kitchen.

“Hey!” She protested, snatching her bottle before she left it behind. “And it’s Candy and Grenda. Are you drunk already?”

Dipper rolled his eyes. “Let’s just go look for them.”

It took a full hour to actually find Mabel’s friends. She kept getting distracted. Mabel had always been the more social of the two of them and she really shined in situations like this. People would stop her to ask her about her dress or invite her to dance. Dipper was exhausted by the time they found Grenda and Candy and all he’d been doing was following Mabel.

“Candy! Grenda!” Mabel squealed when she saw them watching a game of beer pong.

“Mabel!” They squealed back, as if they hadn’t just seen her this morning.

“What’s going on?” Mabel asked, taking a swig of the mixed drink Dipper had made her. Anything to keep her from drinking straight from the bottle.

“Beer pong. That guy’s really good.” Grenda responded gruffly.

“And handsome too.” Candy added. Dipper followed their gaze and almost groaned allowed. It was Bill. He was juggling a pair of ping pong balls, waiting for the other team to make their move. There was a loud “Oh!” when the thrower missed all of the four cups Bill had in front of him.

“Too bad.” Bill said with his Cheshire cat grin. Without missing a beat he tossed one of the balls he was juggling and it landed with a plop in the other team’s last cup. The pair of girls groaned and one wrinkled her nose as she chugged back whatever was in her red solo cup.

“Good game.” Bill said nonchalantly. He looked around at the crowd, locking eyes with Dipper for a moment before saying: “Anyone else want to play?”

“Oh! I do!” Mabel shouted, somehow able to jump up and down with those shoes. She ran forward to take the spot of the losing team. Bill beamed when he saw her.

“Well, well. You vs. me, twinkle star?” He cocked an eyebrow at Mabel and began arranging the cups. He cracked open a beer from a case at his feet and poured it skillfully, filling Mabel’s side first. Dipper grimaced. Mabel was already tipsy. She didn’t need another two and a half beers.

“Mabel, maybe you should slow down.” Dipper warned. Mabel scoffed.

“I’m terpecfly fine.” She slurred. Dipper frowned and she rolled her eyes. “It was a joke! Lighten up bro-bro!”

“You could always play with her. 2 vs 1?” Bill suggested, leaning slightly forward across the picnic table. Dipper shivered, probably from the cold even though it was almost unbearably humid for a summer night. He really didn’t want to give in to Bill’s challenge but he also didn’t want to give Mabel any more reason to chug more alcohol.

“You’re on.” He said and Bill’s grin split open even wider. Dipper focused on adjusting the cups. It was hard for Dipper to look into his face with that glowing fake eye of his.

Bill graciously offered the twins the first throw and the two rock-paper-scissored for it. Mabel won. Her throw hit the rim of Bill’s corner cup and bounced off the table. Bill tossed his shot while facing backwards and was awarded with applause when it dropped into their center cup. Dipper gritted his teeth and took the cup before Mabel could reach for it. The beer was warm and almost…candy sweet. It didn’t taste like anything Dipper had had before. Not that he was much of a beer connoiseur to begin with. He could feel the buzz almost as soon as he put the cup down. Dipper figured it must just be the shot from earlier finally kicking in.

He tried hard to focus on his next throw but it was difficult when he could feel that glowing eye studying him. He tossed the ball and it spinned around the inside rim of one of Bill’s cups. Bill leaned over and blew a puff at the ball, shooting it out. Dipper scowled.

“Hey I thought guys were only allowed to finger it out. Girls are supposed to blow!” A very drunk member of their audience shouted. A couple of people laughed.

“Tonight I feel like blowing.” Bill said suggestively, winking his bad eye at Dipper. Dipper felt his ears getting hot. “But sometimes I like to do both.” Bill tossed his ball hard enough that it splashed warm beer onto Dipper’s shirt. Dipper made a noise of disgust.

“Whoa, don’t make a mess of yourself there.” Bill mocked to the delight of his audience. Dipper grumbled as he gulped the cup down. The beer melted down his throat and Dipper felt heat pooling in his stomach along with sparks of electricity. He told himself it was just Bill’s creepiness getting to him but a tiny part of him wondered if maybe that was a lie. As soon as he noticed where his thoughts were going he squashed them down, far FAR down, while Mabel took her next throw.

In the end, Bill only had to drink one of his cups. While Dipper, much to Mabel’s disappointment, insisted on drinking all six of their team’s. Dipper felt warm and kind of floaty as he drained his last drink. He barely even noticed Bill snaking a hand around his shoulders and another one around his sister’s.

“Well we can’t win every time.” Bill sang sweetly.

“I want a rematch!” Mabel protested, as Bill pulled the twins away from the picnic table. Dipper nearly tripped over his own feet.

“Maybe later when your partner is a little more up to it.” Bill turned to look at Dipper as he spoke and almost breathed directly in his ear, sending another set of sparks shooting down Dipper’s spine and into his stomach.

“Do you need a water Dipper?” Mabel asked, suddenly concerned about her brother.

“I need…” Dipper slurred before seeing a familiar shape with red mop hair across the yard. “…to talk to Dale…” Dipper uncoiled himself from Bill’s grip and stumbled over to where Dale was hesitantly nursing a bottled wine cooler. He thought he heard a growl behind him as he approached Dale but his brain was in relaxation mode so he couldn’t be bothered with it.

“Hey Dipper!” Dale brightened when he saw Dipper walking towards him. “How are you?” Dipper almost fell into Dale as he closed him in a hug.

“Grood.” Dipper mumbled, trying to say good and great and the same time. Dale quirked an eyebrow at him.

“You’ve had something to drink I’m guessing?”

“Beer pong.” Dipper answered sheepishly. Dale smiled and gave him a pat on the shoulder.

“Come on. Let’s get you some water.”

Dale led him through the house, up a series of stairs and out onto a balcony that overlooked the front yard. Dipper sat at the edge of the balcony, threading his feet through the railings and letting them swing in the night air. Meanwhile Dale spoke to a couple of people in lawn chairs guarding a cooler. He came over a second later with a water bottle and handed it to Dipper.

“Thanks.” Dipper said, taking a sip. The cool liquid battled the heat in his belly and Dipper felt his head clear just a bit. Dale sat down cross-legged next to him.

“I didn’t even drink that much.” Dipper insisted as he took another sip from the bottle.

“Well it gets to you faster if you don’t drink often right?” Dale said. He was awfully polite about calling Dipper a lightweight. “You don’t strike me as someone who ‘gets wasted’ a whole lot.”

Dipper laughed. “No you’re right. I’m the kind of guy who gets high on learning.” Dipper winced at his words, lying back on the deck with his hands over his eyes. “Oh my god that was really corny. Forget I said that.”

It was Dale’s turn to laugh. “Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone my boyfriend is a huge nerd.” The heat in Dipper’s stomach rose again to settle in his cheeks. Seriously this blushing thing was getting to be a problem around Dale.

Dale looked around quickly. There weren’t many people up on the balcony. Not enough to feel crowded but enough that they couldn’t convince themselves they were alone. Dale looked down at Dipper and seemed to be in thought for a minute. Then he raised his wine cooler and drained it in a long swallow. His lips came off the end with a loud ‘pop’ before he looked back down at Dipper.

“Wanna go somewhere more private?” He asked in a low voice. Dipper had been enjoying the air up here but he recalled needing to talk to Dale about something. Talking about things was always done best in private.

“Okay.”

The two of them got to their feet and Dipper let Dale lead him yet again. This time he led Dipper up another set of stairs to the third floor where they stepped over a couple making out on the floor. Dale knocked on one of the doors and when no one answered he stepped inside, letting Dipper slide by him. It took Dipper a moment to adjust to the darkness and he heard Dale locking the door behind him. They were in a small bedroom that didn’t look like it was used much. There was a double bed in the center of the room and a chest of drawers on the far wall but not much else. The ceiling angled low towards an open window that let in a cool breeze. Dipper figured this was as good a place as any for them to talk and was about to say something when Dale’s arms wrapped around his neck and their lips crashed together.

Dipper took a step backwards trying to steady the two of them. What had gotten into Dale? Why would he- oh. Dipper thought of the couple making out on the floor just outside and he realized that they were in a dark room alone at a party. Of course this is what Dale wanted to do. Dipper mentally smacked himself in the forehead and blamed the beer for not realizing sooner.

Dale broke the kiss and swung the two of them around so that Dipper was standing right next to the bed. He pushed lightly on Dipper and Dipper (who’s mind was still a second or two behind) numbly followed Dale’s lead and let himself sit back on the bed. He used his arms to keep himself sitting up as Dale climbed onto the bed after him. The bed creaked as Dale placed a knee on either side of Dipper’s hips and pulled Dipper in for another kiss.

This time Dipper felt Dale’s tongue gently press into Dipper’s open lips and Dipper found himself opening them. Their tongues explored each other sloppily and Dipper felt their teeth collide more than once. But it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. The heat in his stomach was starting to flare up again and when Dale broke the kiss he found himself panting for air. Dipper parted his lips again in anticipation but Dale moved to his neck, making a trail of wet kisses.

“Haaah.” Dipper let out, surprised at the erotic nature of the sound coming out of his throat. Dale responded eagerly, moving his hands from the back of Dipper’s head down to his hips and slowly up under his shirt. Dipper’s muscles tightened in response and his breathing quickened. His head was swimming. He remembered there was a reason he had wanted to see Dale tonight and his body was doing a good job of convincing him it was for this. But there was something nagging at the back of his mind.

The bed creaked as Dipper brought his hands from the sheets to Dale’s hips. He leaned forward into Dale’s mouth along his neck and unsure of what he should really be doing he let his body think for him. Apparently his body thought it was a good idea for him to slide his hands over Dale’s belt and grope his ass cheeks. Dale’s lips slipped off Dipper’s neck and he leaned his forehead on Dipper’s shoulder.

“Di…pper…” Dale moaned breathily and it was such a sexy sound coming from the kid who had manned the cash desk at the Mystery Shack for the past couple of years and had brightly asked Dipper about monsters and fairies that it brought Dipper’s mind back to the present. He froze as Dale started going to town on his neck again and his hands travelled everywhere under Dipper’s shirt. It was a point for Dipper’s self control that he was able to move his hands from Dale’s ass and give Dale a gentle push backwards.

“Dale.” Dipper whispered, trying to gain control of the situation. Dale ignored his push and Dipper swallowed. “Dale, stop.” He said a little louder. This time Dale leaned back to look at Dipper, his hands stilling under Dipper’s shirt.

“Dale….I…..I need to say something.” Dipper said carefully. In the dim light he could see the nervous expression flash across Dale’s face and guilt dripped in to join the heat in his stomach. “I don’t think this is working…for me.” Dale didn’t say anything, he just looked at Dipper in confusion.

“I…I really like you but...I don’t want to lead you on…or give you the wrong idea…” Dipper rambled. “I just don’t think…I mean….I don’t think I like you the way you like me.” Neither of them moved for a moment. “Dale?” Dipper asked, now concerned.

Slowly, Dale slid himself off of Dipper and sat on the bed next to him, keeping his head down so Dipper couldn’t see his face. With a sudden groan he flopped back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

“I….I’m sorry Dale.” Dipper whispered. He wanted to reach out and hug the kid but he felt like that would be a bad idea given the situation.

“Is it cause of my sister?” Dale asked after a moment.

“No. Honestly after spending time with you I think I realized I’ve been over her for a long time.” Dipper answered as honestly as he could. Dale deserved at least that.

Dale sighed. “Did I do anything right?”

“Whoa, hey.” Dipper turned to look at Dale but Dale refused to make eye contact. “You did everything right. It’s me. I don’t know if it’s that you are kind of like a brother to me or if I just don’t like guys-“

“You seemed to being enjoying guys just fine a few minutes ago.” Dale cut in. Dipper coughed.

“Yes…well, that is…” Dipper was glad it was too dark to see the embarassment on his face. “I mean…I would be up for….uh…continuing but….I don’t think that would be fair to you.”

Dale laughed but it came out a little forced and dry. “I don’t think so either.” He sat up, still refusing to look at Dipper.

“I’m sorry Dale.” Dipper said again. He really wished there was some way he could make this better. Dale just stared at the wall.

“Okay.” He said after a second. He stood up and made his way to the door. Dipper searched desperately for something else to say.

“I’ll see you later Dipper.” Dale said as he unlocked the door and opened it. Dipper had to squint as the incoming light stabbed his eyes but the door clicked behind Dale and Dipper was again left to the darkness.

He sighed and flopped backwards on the bed, his head slightly off the other side as he stared at the glowing light on the wall. Dipper groaned and stuck his palms into his eyes. That really could have gone better. Maybe he could have waited to see if his feelings changed? Dipper shook his head. No, it had been obvious Dale was really falling for him and it wasn’t fair to make him think Dipper felt the same way. Oh man, if only-

Hold on. Glowing light? Dipper opened his eyes to look at the wall. There was indeed something shining on the wall. Was it some kind of lamp? Dipper turned his head to try and follow the light upside down and suddenly came face to face with a huge glowing cerulean cat eye.

“Aah!” Dipper cried, scrambling to simultaneously back up and turn himself over on the bed. His back hit the end bed post as Bill’s face came into view, illuminated by the screen of a cell phone.

“What the hell!?” Dipper exclaimed. Bill tucked his phone away and the absence of light made only his glowing eye visible for the few seconds it took Dipper’s eyes to adjust.

“Bout time you realized I was here.”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Dipper growled.

“Well I _was_ trying to find a signal up here when you two came in. I tried to say something but you seemed a little…busy.” Bill chuckled as Dipper’s face began to practically boil. “I’m surprised though. If I were you I’d have just let the kid do me and tell him all my melodrama afterwards.”

Dipper made a noise of disgust. “Of course I wouldn’t-“

“No?” Bill cut him off, leaning forward slightly. “Cause it looks to me like you’re now in a bit of a predicament.” Dipper could have sworn his false eye moved to look pointedly down at Dipper’s crotch. Dipper followed the gaze to see a slight tent in his shorts. He made some sort of squeak at the realization and quickly moved to cover it by pulling his shirt down.

The bed creaked as Bill slid onto it, creeping forward towards Dipper. “I can help you with that…if you want” he drawled. Dipper tried to back himself away but his hands slipped on the bedspread. One of Bill’s knees slid between Dipper’s legs and he leaned forward until his lips were barely a finger width away from Dipper’s. A hand came up to cup his chin and excited shivers made there way through his skin at the contact. Bill licked his lips and Dipper realized he was holding his breath.

“Bill.” Dipper breathed. He’d meant it to sound like a warning but it came out sounding slightly desperate. As if in response, Bill’s knee moved to press against Dipper’s crotch. Electricity surged to his groin and Dipper was unable to bite back the moan that escaped his lips.

Bill raised an eyebrow. “Well that was certainly a nice sound, wasn’t it pine tree?”

Pine tree? Now where had he heard that-

Dipper’s eyes widened. “Oh my god.”

“Wow, I didn’t even touch you that time.” Bill’s grin bloomed again as Dipper tried to push Bill off of him. So far his hands were only succeeding in squishing Bill’s face.

“You’re Bill!” Dipper said in almost disbelief. Bill sat back a bit so that he could grab Dipper’s wrists and pin them to the bed.

“Well yes I do believe we established this some time ago.” Bill replied.

“Triangle Bill!” Dipper’s voice rose as he struggled against Bill’s grip.

“Ah, I was wondering when you were going to figure it out.”

Dipper panicked. He had to get Bill off of him but the hands on his wrists didn’t budge. As he squirmed the bulge in his pants rubbed against Bill’s knee, making Dipper even more aware of his predicament. Of course with Bill’s knee between his legs, Dipper realized he was in a similar position relative to Bill. The blonde’s smile faltered slightly in confusion as Dipper smirked up at him. Then Dipper jerked his own knee up. Unfortunately the knee to Bill’s groin had the opposite of its desired effect.

Bill’s head jerked back and he let out a loud, breathy moan. “Oooooh pine tree!” Dipper would never admit to it in a million years but the sound was almost enough to make him come. He could feel a wet spot forming on the front of his shorts as his cock twitched. Bill looked down at him through half-lidded eyes then slowly leaned forward until his mouth was flush with Dipper’s ear.

“….Do it again.” He breathed into Dipper’s ear and this time Dipper was done. He silently cursed his sexual inexperience for the betrayal of his body. His thighs clamped together around Bill’s knee as his hips arched off the bed. He let out a low whine and felt the electricity in his body unravel and overflow.

When the twitching stopped Dipper relaxed back into the bedspread.

“That was quick.” Bill smirked at the scowl on Dipper’s face. He let go of Dipper’s wrists and sat back up. He made a gesture with his hands and seemingly pulled something from mid-air. Dipper looked closer and saw that it was his old white and blue hat. Bill dropped the hat on Dipper’s head and pulled the bill down over his eyes.

“There, that’s more like it” he said, as Dipper reached up to adjust the hat.

Dipper scowled at Bill when he could see again. “Why are you back? What do you want? Why aren’t you a triangle anymore? How did you even get here?” He let loose all his questions as they came to him, trying not to think of what just happened. Bill slid off the bed and stood there staring at him, looking amused.

“Wendy.” Dipper sat up suddenly as he thought of his friend. Bill tilted his head. “Wendy’s going to kick your ass when she finds out who you are.”

“Oh I don’t think she will find out.” Bill mused aloud. “Not unless you want her to know what you’ve been doing with her little brother.” Dipper’s face would have flushed if it hadn’t already been as red as it could get.

Bill laughed. “Well I think that’s enough torturing you for one night.” He turned towards the door.

“Wait!” Dipper almost shouted as he clambered off the bed.

Bill stepped through the door and gave Dipper his Cheshire smile as it swung shut behind him. Just as it did Dipper swung it back open to find the empty hallway. Well almost empty. The couple who’d been making out earlier was now passed out against each other on the floor.

Dipper pressed his fingers against his temple. A headache was starting to storm in his head and from the feel of it, it was going to be a bad one.

 

…

 

The first thing he’d done when he’d left the bedroom was find a bathroom. There was a slight stain on the front of his shorts but it was pretty unoticeable once he’d cleaned up. When he looked in the mirror he saw the side of his neck was flushed red in what probably could have become hickies if he’d let Dale continue. His ears burned at the thought and he had to splash his face with cold water to cool down.

Oh man. He’d practically gone from virgin nerd to bisexual playboy in one night! How had this happened? I mean, Dale made sense. Cause they had been dating and hooking up would have been the next logical step if Dipper hadn’t broke it off. But Bill? Triangle, dream demon, hi-there-have-some-deer-teeth Bill? What was that about? Did he want something from Dipper? It didn’t make sense!

Dipper had decided to leave those questions alone for the time being. The biggest thing to figure out was what to do now. He needed help on this. He had to find Mabel.

He’d then left the bathroom and tried Mabel on her cell phone. When she didn’t answer Dipper started to search the house. He kept his ears open and for once was grateful for Grenda’s booming voice. He found them on the ground floor dancing to the music coming from someone’s portable speakers.

“Mabel!” He shouted as he grabbed her arm. She almost toppled over from the pull and Dipper had to prop her up on his shoulder to keep her standing.

“Heeeey bro-brot…bobo.” She giggled. Yeah she was drunk.

“I think it’s about time we headed home.” Dipper told her. She looked at him with disgust and tried to push him away, nearly falling in the process.

“Noooo. My people, they need me!” Mabel tried to fling herself back into the equally drunk looking crowd of dancers but Dipper held on tight.

“Come on Mabel. Your brother needs you to go home and go to sleep.”

“My brother is a dumb, dumb-erang.” Mabel slurred. Dipper could feel his headache getting worse. Luckily Grenda was there to come to the rescue.

“Come on Mabel. You want to have a sleepover right?” Grenda tempted. She had a passed out Candy over one shoulder already.

“Sleepover??” Mabel asked excitedly.

“Yeah, at your place.” Grenda said.

“Yeah! Sleepover! Sleepover!” Mabel cheered as Grenda lifted her over her other shoulder.

“Thank you.” Dipper whispered as they made their way out the front door.

“No problem!” Grenda’s voice boomed loudly.

Dipper’s plan had been to call Stanley to come pick them up but Grenda pulled out a set of keys on a pink lizard keychain and started to lead the way towards a group of cars parked at the end of the driveway.

Dipper took a wild guess that the hot pink pickup truck was Grenda’s. It had black flames decalled on the side and raised rims and looked like it would have cost both Mabel and Dipper’s tuitions combined.

“Nice truck.” Dipper exclaimed as they approached. Grenda smiled proudly.

“Marius bought it for me.” She gushed and Dipper nodded in approval. He made a mental note that the next person he fell for should be rich.

“Maybe I should drive?” Dipper worried aloud when they reached the truck and Grenda opened the back door. He wasn’t sure how hard Grenda had been partying and he felt way more sober than he had an hour ago. Plus he had to admit that the truck looked kind of fun to drive.

But Grenda shot him down. “No way! I’m the designated DRIVER!” She emphasized the last word as she threw an unconcious Candy and a barely concious Mabel into the back seats. She then tenderly and carefully buckled them in.

“Besides,” she added as Dipper climbed up into the front seat. “I saw you knocking back those drinks at beer pong.” Dipper saw her point. He wasn’t sure if he could trust any drink Bill had given him. He was just glad he didn’t let Mable drink any.

“Don’t forget to buckle up!” Grenda added as she adjusted the mirrors and revved up the engine. Dipper obeyed and he just hoped she didn’t drive like Mabel.

She did. It was like there were only two speeds, not moving and 60mph. When they finally skidded to a stop across the gravel in front of the Mystery Shack, Dipper made a promise to never get in the car with Grenda behind the wheel again.

Dipper thought of offering to help when Grenda threw her friends back over her shoulders but decided he was done with embarrassing himself for the night. They tried to be quiet when they enterred the shack but Grunkle Stan appeared in the hallway to complain about their noise anyways. Dipper noted that the tv in the living room was flickering, as if someone had been watching it while waiting up for them.

“Did you have fun?” Grunkle Stan asked. Dipper shrugged.

Mabel who was apparently not completely out yet mumbled “so much fun” from Grenda’s shoulder.

“I’m not looking forward to _that_ tomorrow.” Stan commented as he surveyed his drunk niece. Dipper didn’t have enough energy to laugh. He waved goodnight and led Grenda up to the attic where he promptly collapsed on his mattress.He was out before Grenda had even dropped Candy and Mabel.

 

…

 

The toaster popped and Dipper grabbed the toast as it jumped out. His sister groaned from the kitchen table.

“Who made toast so loud?” She asked, resting her chin on the table. Dipper sat the dry toast in front of his sister along with a large glass of water and some gravol tablets. Mabel swallowed the tablets quickly before gingerly nibbling the edge of her toast. Her makeup was smeared all over her face and her hair was a tangled mess.

“Good call on those buckets.” She said to Dipper. Mabel had been running in and out of the bathroom all day.

“I think that was Grenda.” Dipper poured himself a coffee and added a generous amount of sugar. When he’d awoke his hat had been placed on his bedside table and his socks and shoes had been removed. A green bucket had been placed next to his bed in addition to the purple one placed next to Mabel’s. She’d been particularly grateful for that bit of kindness earlier this morning.

“If I’ve ever said anything bad about her I take it back.” Dipper added. Grenda’d gained a lot of respect from him in just one night.

“Mmm.” Mabel agreed. “I’ve always told you she was pretty much perfect.” Candy and Grenda were still asleep and snoring upstairs on Mabel’s bed. The twins had decided to let them sleep. All the better for Dipper. He wanted to have the “Bill” discussion with Mabel as soon as possible.

Dipper took a gulp of his sugary coffee and scalded his tongue.

“Mabel, I’ve got to tell you about something that happened last night.” Dipper started. Mabel groaned.

“Is this about breaking up with Dale? Can’t that wait until the world has stopped spinning?”

Dipper froze and stared at his twin.

“You knew about me and Dale!?” His voice squeaked on Dale’s name. Mabel lifted her head to roll her eyes.

“I’m not stupid bro. I probably knew about Dale’s crush on you before he even did.” Dipper blushed.

“And you didn’t tell me?”

Mabel shrugged. “He had to figure that out for himself.” She took another sip of her water. “For the record I think you made a good call breaking it off. Trying to protect someone’s feelings by dating them just ends up hurting everybody way more in the end.” Dipper knew she was speaking from experience.

Dipper tapped his fingers along the edge of his coffee mug. “So uh…it’s not weird that I was dating a guy?” Mabel reached over and patted his hand.

“Oh Dipper, you’ll always be weird.” She cracked a smile and Dipper rolled his eyes. “Plus now I can talk to you about hot boys.”

“Okay first of all, you already talk to me about hot boys. And second of all I’m reasonably sure I don’t like guys in that way.” Mabel sat up straight and frowned at her brother.

“You’re kidding right? You were practically drooling all over Wendy’s friend last night.” Dipper ears lit up to join his already hot cheeks.

“I was not!” He snapped.

“Were too!” Mable snapped back.

“Ugh no! This is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about!” Dipper leaned forward and spoke in a low voice. “Bill is Bill Cipher!”

It took Mabel a few seconds. “You mean the demon Gideon summoned to invade Grunkle Stan’s mind?” Dipper nodded. Mabel’s jaw dropped in shock. “You mean you have a crush on a dream demon?”

“I don’t have a crush on Bill!” Dipper shouted a little too loudly. Mabel just looked at him sadly.

“Do we need to have the pizza talk again?”

“Oh my god!” Dipper groaned in exasperation. “Would you shut up about the pizza?”

Mabel snickered but stayed silent. There were a few seconds of silence between the twins before Dipper said in a more serious tone: “I’m worried about Wendy.”

“Oh yeah she’s going to be pissed when she finds out she was tricked. Hey! Maybe that will solve our problem. Wendy will kill Bill and that will be the end of it.”

“I don’t know if we should tell her...” Dipper hesitated. Mabel gave him an odd look.

“Are you kidding me? She’s got a magic lunatic living in her house!”

“Right but Bill hasn’t done anything to harm her yet and…wouldn’t that, you know, hurt her to find out her friend is really a demon?” Dipper played with a drop of coffee that slid down his mug.

“We don’t know he hasn’t hurt her! Maybe she’s under mind control or something.” Mabel argued.

“But still…” Dipper accidentally met Mabel’s eyes and she narrowed hers at him.

“What’s the real reason you don’t want her to find out?” She demanded. Dipper was seriously going to have to learn that twin telepathy trick of hers.

“He…threatened to tell Wendy about Dale and me.” Dipper mumbled.

“What!?” Mabel screeched. Dipper motioned for her to keep it down and to his surprise she actually obliged. “Why? Cause you’re embarrassed? Are you telling me you would possibly put your friends in danger just so you didn’t have to feel embarrassed?”

Dipper looked down into his coffee. For part of him that was true, and Dipper was ashamed of it. Of course he could handle a little embarrassment! But it wasn’t just about him.

“It’s not just my secret getting told.” He muttered. Mabel’s expression softened.

“Dale.” Mabel said and Dipper nodded. Dipper couldn’t just out Dale like that. It wouldn’t be fair to make that decision without Dale. Mabel sighed. “So what? Are we going to explain to Dale about Bill then?”

“I think we should wait. I really don’t think Bill’s an immediate threat. Maybe we can figure out what he wants and stop it before we have to involve Dale and Wendy anymore than they already are.” Dipper explained. Mabel frowned. Dipper could tell from her expression that she agreed with him but that she wasn’t happy about it.

“Alright, what’s the plan then? Research?” She asked, taking a real bite out of her toast this time.

“Research.” Dipper confirmed. “I’m going to the library later and I’m also going to look over the journals again.” Dipper wished he could do more. There was something wrong about leaving Dale and Wendy undefended like this. He would just have to keep a close eye on them.

Mabel downed the last of her water and stood up, leaving her toast mostly untouched on the plate. “Alright, c’mon bro. Let’s go make ourselves look less like hobos.” She put a hand on Dipper’s shoulder as he stood himself up. He looked at his twin with sad and stormy eyes and Mabel could tell what he wanted. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into one of her patented reassuring Mabel hugs. She felt Dipper’s shoulder’s tense and then relax as he hugged her back.

“Everything’s going to be alright, Dipper.” Mabel told him. Dipper leaned on his twin. It was good knowing Mabel supported his decision.

He just hoped it was the right one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dipper if you think making out with a boy and then prematurely ejaculating on a different boy's leg makes you a playboy then I've got some bad news for you!
> 
> This definitely isn't the climax (pun absolutely intended) of Dipper and Bill's relationship but I hope you enjoyed the tease.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	4. Not Dangerous

The library was virtually empty. Unsurprising since it was still the beginning of summer and most people had better places to spend their day. Dipper didn’t have to ask the elderly librarian behind the front desk where the folklore and mythology sections were. Borrowing a cart he began searching for anything to do with demons. It was a broad topic, so the cart filled up quickly. Dipper picked a large table and spread the books out on top. He cracked his knuckles and took out a new notebook and a chewed up pen.

He started with a “true stories” book that looked like it was something sixth graders would read to each other at slumber parties. It was hoaky but if being in Gravity Falls had taught Dipper anything it was that sometimes hoaky concealed something with a bit of truth.

Unfortunately that was not the case for this book. About 30 pages in Dipper realized the author had just used the word “demon” to evoke fear. Most of the stories dealt with ghosts or serial killers and he was pretty sure the “Trash-Monger of Massachusetts” was some kind of rabid raccoon. He put that book in the “no good” pile.

The next book detailed the seven deadly sins. Within the pages different religious scholars argued over which demons were associated with which sin. For example, some thought Beelzebub was a demon of envy and some thought he was a demon of greed. On top of that the references of a lot of the demons overlapped, making Dipper think Beelzebub, Lucifer and Satan were actually all just different names for the same demon. The book was interesting but nothing really stood out as something that may be useful when it came to Bill. He put that one in a “maybe” pile.

The next few books were much of the same. He read one that recited accounts of deals with demons. It turns out a lot of musicians sell their souls for talent. The book seemed right up Bill’s ally but it didn’t have much information on how to break a deal with a demon. It seemed as if the only way to escape the terms of a deal was to include a clause when you first make the deal.

Other books covered the faerie courts, goblins, druids and magical familiars, but none of it seemed to be what he was looking for. He thought he might be onto something with psychopomps but it was difficult to picture Bill escorting the dead to the afterlife. Maybe if Charon’s ferry featured beer-pong and…uh…what did lunatics even like? Screaming heads? Dipper rubbed his eyes and took the chewed up pen from his mouth before he cracked it. This was harder than he’d thought it would be.

As he flicked through yet another unhelpful book Dipper’s eyes caught the heading “Incubi and Succubi: The Sex Demons” and he hesitated on the page. It was probably safe to bet that Bill wasn’t a sex demon but Dipper found himself remembering what had happened at Tambry’s party. He blushed and frowned at the memory. _That was quick._ Bill had mocked him but maybe he had been using some kind of magic that had made Dipper….respond? He took a quick glance around to make sure no one was reading over his shoulder before starting to read from the middle of the page.

_While some maintain the incubus is a completely separate demon from a succubus, there are many sources that state these two are actually different forms of the same entity. The demon will collect sperm from a male victim as a succubus and use it to impregnate a female victim as an incubus._

_An incubus or succubus will attack by provoking an uncontrollable sexual urge in their victim. The victim will find themselves unable to think of anything else but obtaining relief through orgasm. Using this desire the demon is able to persuade its victim to do its bidding, whether that be to commit a sexually perverse act or to engage in intercourse with-_

“Can I help you with anything?”

Dipper nearly screamed, flipping his book shut and catching his fingers in the process. The elderly librarian, having appeared from absolutely nowhere, gave him a polite smile.

“I’m sorry dear, I didn’t mean to scare you.” She said apologetically. Dipper smiled back at her, trying to cover up his embarrassment as he discreetly slid his fingers out of the book.

“That’s alright…um…yes I guess. I’m looking up information on demons. For a creative writing project.” He added when she gave him an odd look. The woman played with the glasses hanging around her neck as she pursed her lips in thought.

“Hmm…you could try the religion section?” She suggested. Dipper considered it.

“I don’t know if that’s really what I’m looking for…” He admitted. The folklore texts had been daunting as it was. Dipper didn’t know if he could handle bibles on top of them.

The librarian leaned over the desk to examine the piles of books he’d already taken off the shelves.

“You might try looking up angels.” She said, noting he had no books on that particular topic. “There might also be something in the occult section…”

“You have an occult section?” Dipper questioned. There was no way he’d missed an occult section in the library.

“It’s small.” The librarian admitted. “I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.” She crossed the room and disappeared behind a row of shelves, presumably to grab him some occult books. Dipper sighed and collected a few books from his table to return to the shelves. As he slid them back into place he decided to take the lady’s advice and picked out a couple of books about angels. Just as he settled back in his seat the librarian returned.

“Here you are.” She handed him a stack of three books. The first two were pretty much your standard fare but the last one looked really old and it was bound in dark leather. Dipper thanked her and cracked open one of the angel books.

 The librarian had been right. In all the books Dipper picked out there was a section dedicated to fallen angels. Admittedly Dipper had been skeptical at first. He kept picturing Bill in his triangle form with tiny wings on his back and a halo over his head and had to keep himself from laughing out loud. But then he happened upon this passage:

_In the early years after the fall in Eden, a group of angels were assigned to watch over all the humans of earth. But the angels soon began to lust after the daughters of men and rebelled against their duties to join with them. Their children were known as the Nephilim, the fallen ones and the angels themselves were known as the Watchers._

Watching. That definitely had a Bill ring to it.

That line of connection was strengthened by one of the occult books which had an entire section on the “Eye of Providence.” The symbol was essentially a portrait of Bill’s triangle form and became known as the eye of God watching over humans. Although the eye was apparently used as a symbol before Christianity’s rise to fame. This included ancient Egyptian mythology where the Eye of Horus was depicted as the moon and the Eye of Ra was depicted as the sun. Both deities were associated with protection and great power.

The leather occult book was difficult to say the least. It contained a lot of what looked to be different kinds of runes and spells. Some of the pages seemed to be instructions for summoning and rituals. The whole thing was really fascinating and Dipper found himself quickly immersed.

He didn’t even realize what time it was until the librarian approached him again.

“I’m sorry dear but we’re closing up in about ten minutes.” She told him before disappearing to the front desk again. Dipper hurried to grab the books he wanted, including the old leather one and carried them after the librarian to check them out.

The sun was almost set when he got outside but Dipper was feeling good. He’d gotten a lot of research done and while he still didn’t have anything concrete on Bill’s motives he could feel himself getting closer to solving the mystery.

 

…

 

The walk back to Mystery Shack wasn’t far. Even with a bag full of heavy books the trip would take 15, 20 minutes max. Dipper took his time as he followed the path through the trees and thought about what he’d learned. Did this mean Bill was some kind of angel, or rather, used to be an angel? Dipper guessed that wasn’t overly far-fetched. I mean Bill was a talking one-eyed triangle, so really anything was possible. Wait- did that mean God existed? And that he (or she) was like Bill’s boss? That seemed like a whole can of worms Dipper wasn’t really sure he wanted to open.

A sharp crack echoed from behind Dipper and he hesitated for a moment, looking around. The sun had pretty much set now, so Dipper paused to take the flashlight he always carried for emergencies out of his backpack. He swept it across the trees in a wide arc but didn’t see any suspicious movement. After a second sweep Dipper continued to walk, paying a little closer attention to the forest around him. He couldn’t shake this feeling that he was being followed.

The hairs on the back of his neck started to stand on end and Dipper could feel the adrenaline being released into his bloodstream. He quickened his pace until the books in his bag banged against his back with every step.

Another snap echoed from behind him. There was definitely someone following him. Dipper forced himself to breathe normally. He wasn’t far from the shack, he could probably run the rest of the way if he had to. Or he could try and scare whatever it was off.

Dipper gripped his flashlight tighter and counted slowly. _1…2..._

_3!_

He spun around shining his flashlight out, ready to hit the dirt if whatever he uncovered was much bigger than him. But the trail behind him was empty and again there was no suspicious movement in the trees. Dipper let out a long exhale. He really needed to get a grip on this paranoia thing.

Dipper went to turn back to the path in front of him and ran headlong into someone.

He lost his balance and the books in his bag swung backwards taking him down with them. Dipper landed with a heavy ‘oof’ butt first on the trail. Luckily the flashlight had stayed firmly in his grip. He swung the shiny end up to look at who he’d crashed into and of course-OF COURSE-

It was Bill.

He beamed down at Dipper. Another new false eye had replaced the last one. This one had a yellow smily face in place of the pupil that matched the high wasted yellow pants he wore. From his seat on the ground Dipper could see the purple lightning bolt socks sticking out of his hightops.

“Falling for me already pine tree?” Bill teased. He leaned over and offered Dipper a hand up. Dipper scowled but took the hand. Bill yanked him up hard, too hard, causing Dipper to stumble forward. Bill sidestepped him but a well placed leg tripped Dipper and he lost his footing again landing face first in the dirt. The books in his backpack slid forward and slipped out onto his head.

Yeah, there was absolutely no way Bill had ever been an angel.

He felt Bill pick the books up off his head. “Jeez you’re clumsy.” He commented and Dipper resisted the urge to unleash a stream of some very choice words at the demon. He pushed himself up and dusted the dirt off his hands before turning to confront Bill, who was examining the library books. He seemed particularly interested in the leather occult text.

“Doing some research?” Bill asked, cocking an eyebrow. Dipper snatched the books out of his hands and tucked them back into his bag, making sure the zipper was zipped all the way up this time. He glared at Bill who looked right back at him, unfazed.

“You know you could always just ask me your questions.”

Dipper scoffed at that. “Yeah alright then, why are you in gravity falls?”

“I’m on vacation.” Bill replied. Dipper rolled his eyes. He knew he wouldn’t get a real answer. Dipper turned his flashlight back to the trail ahead of him. He didn’t have to look behind him to know Bill would follow.

“Why are you out here annoying me, Bill? Does Wendy know where you are?” Dipper asked without turning.

Bill skipped a few steps to walk beside Dipper. “I’m not bothering you. You’re enjoying my company.”

“Ha!” Dipper laughed. “In your dreams!” Dipper frowned when he realized his choice of words.

“Nope, don’t even say it.” He cut off Bill as the guy opened his mouth to speak. Bill chuckled and stretched his arms behind his head. A breeze rustled the leaves around them and swept Bill’s blonde hair back from his face. With his hair like that Dipper noticed how long Bill’s eyelashes were. Like…freakishly long… Dipper almost turned the flashlight towards Bill to get a better look at his face before he caught himself and forced himself to focus on the trail.

Weird. They should be pretty close the shack by now but Dipper couldn’t see any signs of the clearing.

Bill broke the silence with a sigh. “I must say I’m disappointed, kid. Here you are in the presence of an all knowing demon and you’ve barely asked a question! You haven’t even tried to get rid of me! Man puberty must have been rough for you if it’s made you this dull. I mean, at least try a spell from your grimoire or something!”

“A spell from my what?” Dipper looked at Bill in confusion.

“Grimoire.” Bill answered, tapping Dipper’s backpack. Dipper guessed he meant the leather book. “What’s a guy gotta do to get a little respect over here anyways? Kill somebody? That might be a little tough. I mean Red’s a pretty easy target but her dad’s a bit axe friendly if you know what I mean…”

Dipper halted and grabbed Bill by his collar. He glowered at Bill’s smiley face eye. “You leave Wendy alone.” He warned. Bill’s upper lip lifted over a row of sharp teeth.

“Or you’ll what? Bore me to death?”

Dipper’s grip tightened on Bill’s collar. Bill rolled his good eye and without thinking about it, Dipper’s free hand came up to bash Bill in the face with his flashlight. He didn’t even see Bill’s hand move as it intercepted the blow. Bill’s fingers enclosed Dipper’s, crushing them in an icy grip. Dipper winced and Bill’s other hand gripped the wrist at his collar, forcing Dipper backwards.

A whine escaped Dipper when he felt the bones in his hand grind against each other and he dropped the flashlight to the ground. It spilled light in random directions as it rolled. He tried to pull himself away but Bill held him fast. Bill smirked again, eyes glinting in the low light. Dipper kicked at Bill but Bill danced out of the way, spinning them both around until Dipper’s backpack came up against a tree, his leg pinned by Bill’s knee against the bark.

Bill’s smile looked crazed, like a wolf with its hackles raised. Dipper’s pulse was racing so fast it sounded more like a low hum in his ears than individual heart beats. His mind was only a step behind his pulse as it searched for a way to escape before Bill did something dangerous. He tried to force himself to calm down. Sure, Bill was looking a little…wild, but he wouldn’t attack Dipper, would he?

A low snarl rolled out of Bill’s throat as if in response and Dipper squirmed against the tree behind him. Oh God, he was going to die.

Dipper’s eyes tore themselves from the look on Bill’s face and he looked around for an exit. If he wanted to live, he was going to have take Bill by surprise, but how? His arms and legs were pretty much rendered useless and even if he could move them what could he do that Bill wouldn’t see coming? Dipper squeezed his eyes shut as Bill’s grip on his hands tightened painfully. The tips of Dipper’s fingers were beginning to lose feeling. What could he do? He couldn’t think. What would Mabel do in his situation? Something crazy probably…

Dipper’s eyes snapped open when the idea came to him and as much as it made his stomach churn it was his only option. He looked Bill straight in his ridiculous smiley face eye.

“Bill…” He said in a low voice, hoping it sounded sexier to Bill than it did to his own ears. Dipper fluttered his eyelashes and leaned towards him, as if going in for a kiss. When he saw Bill’s eye’s widen slightly, Dipper snapped his head forward, crashing their skulls together.

Bill let out a cry and his grip loosened enough for Dipper to scramble out from between him and the tree, ignoring the sparks of pain in his forehead. He didn’t pause to look for his flashlight but sped off the path through the dark underbrush, running and tripping blindly. Within a few seconds he stumbled into the clearing. The lights of the Mystery Shack shone like the beam from a lighthouse after months a sea. Dipper ran for the front door, feeling something brushing the back of his neck. Once he was across the threshold he slammed the door shut behind him.

“Hey! Careful with that! I just had it replaced!” Gruncle Stan’s gargly voice called from the living room. Dipper took in large gulps of air, trying to catch his breath. When he felt he could breathe normally he turned and tentatively opened the door to peek out at the darkness.

There was no sign of Bill. Nothing moved in the trees, not even the wind. Only the crickets made any noise and even they seemed unnaturally quiet. A bead of sweat dripped down Dipper’s back, infecting him with a sudden shudder of chills. He quickly but carefully closed the door, making sure to lock it.

“Where were you all day?” Stan said from behind him, making Dipper jump.

“T-the library.” He stuttered as Grunkle Stan passed through the foyer to the kitchen.

“Seriously? The library? Kid it’s the summer.” The man reappeared holding a soda and cracking it open with a loud hiss. Dipper shrugged.

“I like books.” He offered. Grunkle Stan returned the shrug and shuffled back into the living room but not without first coughing a loud ‘nerd’ in Dipper’s direction.

Alone in the foyer, Dipper rubbed the goose egg forming on his forehead. Then he slipped his phone from his pocket and scrolled through the contacts before selecting Dale.

 _I know you probably dont want to hear from me right now._ He tapped in. _But I need to talk to you about something._

Dipper clicked send and let out a slow exhale, listening to a sudden breeze of wind as it rattled the front door on its hinges.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dipper are you reading smut in the LIBRARY!?
> 
> Holy hell this thing is getting long! On a related note I have decided on an actual direction for this thing. So I shouldn't be dicking around as much (so that we can get to more DICKing around ;) ;) ) and while I want to maintain the slow burn pace I'm going to try to be a little...briefer with my descriptions etc. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Awkward

_Dale if you’re there please call me._

_I’m sorry about all the texts but we really need to talk._

_Dale! Come on, you aren’t seriously ignoring me?_

_I’m serious, this is important! ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE!_

_Soory, I’m not angry or anything but please answer your phone._

_Are you okay? Nothing’s happened, right? Wendy’s not answering her phone either. I’m worried._

Dipper winced as he read over the texts to Dale on his cell. He sounded like a crazed stalker and these were just the texts he’d sent today. It had been three days since the library thing and Dipper was starting to panic.

He’d figured a sudden dissappearance would have been big enough news that he’d have heard about it, so Wendy and Dale were probably safe. But the fact that neither he nor Mabel could get a hold of them was disconcerting to say the least.

“I’m sure Wendy and Dale are ok, Dip.” Mabel tried to reassure him. “Bill never seemed like…homocidal rampage crazy. More like the kind of crazy you lock up in your basement.”

“What if he’s already killed them and altered everyone’s memories so they don’t even remember Wendy and Dale exist!?” Dipper paced the living room floor while Mabel sat on the couch, trying to watch tv around him.

“Dipper, everyone would include us.” Mabel pointed out.

“Maybe Bill only left us with memories to torture us!” Dipper could not believe his sister was so relaxed. Mabel rolled her eyes.

“Grunkle Stan!” She shouted suddenly.

“What!?” Stan shouted back as he came down the stairs.

“Do you remember the names of the two red-heads that worked as cashiers for the Mystery Shack?”

“You mean Dale and Wendy? Why? Is this some kind of memory test? Look, kid, just because I’m old doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.” Stan said, standing in the entry-way to the living room with only his boxers and an undershirt on. A wooden box was under his arm. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish waterproofing my post-apocalypse kit. Don’t want the dried goods to get infected with zombie blood…again.”

Mabel and Dipper heard the front door close behind Stan and Mabel gave Dipper a pointed look.

“That doesn’t prove anything!” Dipper maintained. Mabel sighed.

“What do you want to do then?” She asked, flicking off the tv. Dipper thought for a minute before responding.

“I want to try summoning Bill.” He finally admitted. Dipper was reminded how much he loved his sister when she didn’t question or try to explain what a stupid idea that was. She just went into the kitchen and returned a few seconds later with a box of old candles and a lighter.

The twins set up the ritual in the attic, since Stan had a bit of an aversion to satanic rituals. They didn’t really have a victim so Mabel drew a picture of Bill’s triangle form to put in the center of the circle. They lit the candles and held hands, reading the incantation together.

At first it didn’t seem like anything had happened and Dipper was about to say as much when he felt a burning sensation in his eyes. Nonsensical words spilled from his mouth unbidden and Dipper could see Mabel’s eyes growing wider as she watched him. The last thing he saw was Mabel’s jaw dropping open in concern and then a bright, blinding light that eclipsed his vision.

Dipper dropped Mabel’s hands to cover his eyes. When the light leaking between his fingers started to fade he opened his eyes again to find himself alone in the attic. It was different looking though. The walls were a faded grayscale and all of the stuff on Mabel’s side of the room were gone. In its place was a door with a blinking pink neon sign that read “Mabel” in curly letters.

“Bill?” Dipper called out tentatively as he rose off the floor and looked around. No glowing yellow triangles appeared anywhere.

Dipper knew he had made it to the mindscape but whose mind was he in? It didn’t seem like Bill’s, maybe Mabel’s? He eyed the sign over the door on the far side of the room and crept towards it.

He twisted the jewelled doorknob and opened it, nearly falling backwards as a wall of sound and colour hit him. As his eyes adjusted he found himself looking at a round room branching off into a dozen hallways. The walls swam with neon colours and a thick coat of glitter covered everything. In the center of the room was a large gold Mabel-shaped fountain with some kind of pink, sweet smelling juice coming out of her hands. The music was catchy and familiar but Dipper couldn’t quite place it.

“Figures your mindscape would have a room dedicated to your sister.” A voice to his right made Dipper jump. The floating triangle drifted over from where he’d popped into existance and leaned in front of Dipper to get a better look at the Mabel room. “Yeesh, you’ve got her on quite the pedestal, don’t you kid?” He commented.

Dipper blushed lightly and pulled the door shut. “We’re in _my_ mind?” he asked.

“What was your first clue?” Bill answered. Weird how a triangle without a full face could make Dipper want to smack the expression off of him. Instead he frowned and tried to remember why he’d summoned Bill in the first place.

“Bill! What have you done with Wendy and Dale?” Dipper accused. Bill regarded him with an amused look.

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb.” Dipper snapped. He was hit with the distinct impression that Bill was grinning at him.

“Seriously kid. I don’t know what you are talking about.” Bill leisurely floated up to the attic ceiling, examining a spider’s web on one of the rafters.

“I’m going to give you one chance, Bill. Where are Wendy and Dale?” Dipper warned. His mind was already racing through potential weapons to imagine.

“Heh.” Bill laughed before lighting the web on fire with a blue flame. Dipper saw the spider drop as it burned into a speck of ash.

 “Alright, you asked for it.” Dipper focused his thoughts. A turqoise gun with a red lightning bolt on the side appeared in his hands and he took aim, lining up Bill in his crosshairs. Bill turned to look at him.

“So what, it’s some kind of lazer gun? You’re really going to have to do better than that pine-“ Dipper pulled the trigger and Bill dropped to the ground, screaming in pain as a beam of pure synthesized music hit him. Dipper let him struggle for a moment before releasing the trigger.

Bill gasped, trying to catch his breath. It only took him a few seconds to recover.

“YOU!” He screamed in his creepy low voice, turning red with rage and growing slowly in size. “YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN-“

Dipper pulled the trigger again, bathing Bill in a steady stream of sound. He kept the beam trained on Bill for a little longer this time before letting him go. Bill shrunk back to regular size and faded to yellow as Dipper took a few steps towards him.

“Had enough?” Dipper asked. Bill huffed and then started to laugh.

“That was clever pine tree. I suppose you’ve earned an answer.” Bill pushed himself off the floor and dusted himself off before snapping his fingers. Something that looked like an old projector appeared in the middle of the attic and Bill fiddled with the controls. It started to beam against the far wall and Dipper’s grip tightened on his gun as he saw human Bill spread out on a couch he recognized from Wendy’s house. Bill was watching some kind of crime show on the tv.

Dale slouched in a chair adjacent to the couch, fiddling with his phone. Wendy walked on screen to stand in front of him, her hands on her hips.

“That’s it.” she said. Dale didn’t even look up. Wendy snatched the phone out of his grip.

“Hey!”

“You have been moping around ever since Tambry’s party!” Wendy scolded. “And since you won’t tell me what’s wrong, I’m taking things into my own hands! Bill!” Wendy turned to the blonde on the couch. “Pack a bag, we’re going to Baker.” A groan came from Dale.

“Baker?” Bill questioned politely.

“Baker City. We’re getting out of Gravity Falls for a couple of days.” Wendy explained. Dale groaned again and Bill grinned.

“Sounds fun!” He said brightly.

“Then you two can go.” Dale suggested, reaching for his phone. Wendy danced out of his reach.

“No way. You are coming with us and I’m confiscating this phone!” She said. “You don’t need to have your nose constantly stuck to it!”

“No! Come on! That’s not fair.” Dale whined. “As soon as we get there you’re just going to spend hours talking to Tambry or something while I’m bored out of my mind!” Wendy wrinkled her nose.

“Fine! I’ll leave my phone here too.” Wendy compromised. Dale pouted and the picture on the screen froze.

Dipper felt the guilt in his gut. Dale had been upset because of him. He looked at Bill who was nonchalantly checking out his fingernails.

“How do I know this is real?” He asked the triangle in suspicion.

“What!?” Bill gasped indignantly. “You don’t trust me? Why would I lie to you?” He fluttered his single eyelid at Dipper and Dipper narrowed his eyes. He lifted the sound gun in warning.

“Oh no!” Bill held his hands up. “You got me, pine tree. I’ve actually had the Corduroy siblings tied up for days! Did you know you can make really good soup from potatoes, onions, and human flesh?” Bill snapped his fingers and two half-devoured, red-headed skeletons fell from the ceiling on top of Dipper. The mutilated bodies of his friends made Dipper jolt, even though they were pretty obviously fake. He lost his grip on the gun and accidentally flung it across the room.

The gun spun through the air and landed on the ground with a loud crack, splitting open the barrel. The synthesized music was so loud it warped the air around them as it leaked out of the crack. Dipper tried to cover his ears as he scrambled away from the bodies but the music seeped through his fingers and drilled its way directly into his brain. He tried to imagine the gun disappearring but couldn’t focus.

“SHUT IT OFF!” Dipper yelled over the noise to Bill who was in the same position as him with his hands pressed to his head. Bill yelled something inaudible back and winced in pain. Dipper focused again, trying something a little easier.

Blue earmuffs appeared on both Dipper and Bill’s heads over their ears. (Or in Bill’s case, where Dipper estimated his ears to be.) It barely helped but it must have been enough because Bill snapped his fingers and both the noise and the gun disappeared.

The sound of silence was heavenly. Bill breathed hard and Dipper focused again to make the false bodies of Wendy and Dale disappear.

“What the hell Bill!?” Dipper croaked, removing the ear muffs and throwing them at Bill. They missed. Bill started to laugh and Dipper glared at him again as he waited for the triangle to calm down.

“I take it back.” He said after the laughing subsided. “You are just as hilarious as you used to be!”A couple of giggles bubbled out of Bill again as he removed his own earmuffs. “Why do you want to talk to Red Jr. so badly anyways?”

“I don’t…” Dipper started but then saw Bill pull something out of thin air. It was his cell phone.

“You don’t send someone this many messages because you’re ignoring them.” Bill said as he sat up and scrolled through Dipper’s phone. “Suddenly realized you can’t live without him?”

Dipper blushed. “No-“

Bill gave him a sidelong glance as he cut him off. “Or are you thinking of telling him and his sister my little secret?” Dipper gulped. There was really no point in trying to lie to Bill now.

“I’m not leaving you around them.” Dipper said. “You’re dangerous.” Dipper saw the image of Bill grinning in his mind again.

“Why thank you!” Bill took it as a compliment. “But I can’t allow that. Red can’t know about me…yet.”

“Too bad!” Dipper snapped, getting to his feet, ready to re-conjure the synthesizer gun if needed. Bill floated closer to him calmly.

“I could make it worth your while pine tree.” He offered. “I could give you knowledge, the answers to the secrets and mysteries of this world. Area 51, the Bermuda Triangle…?”

“Not a chance. I’m not selling out my friends.” Dipper refused.

“Well what about money? You’d never have to work a day in your life.” Bill tempted. Dipper wasn’t having any of it.

“No.”

Bill looked at Dipper for a moment, his ‘face’ unreadable. Then he floated up, a foot from Dipper’s face and Dipper braced himself.

“I guess we’ll have to do this the hard way.” Bill said and before Dipper could imagine the gun to reappear, a thin chain slid around his neck and yanked him backwards.

Dipper choked and lost his footing. The chain pulled him back and dragged him over his bed until he was lying on his back with his legs off the edge of the bed spread. Dipper gasped, trying to force air through his compressed trachea, and dug at the small chain with his nails.

Two more chains appearred around his wrists and his hands were pulled to the side of his head. Dipper squirmed and kicked his legs but it did no good, he was stuck. Bill leisurely floated into his vision and poked him in the nose with a yellow cane. To Dipper’s relief, the chain around his neck loosened slightly.

“If you don’t want knowledge or money…perhaps you’ll want pleasure.” Bill said, his voice dropping on the last word. It sent shivers down Dipper’s spine.

“No!” Dipper shouted, straining against the chains biting into his skin. Bill ignored him and floated out of his sight. A few seconds later Dipper felt two small feet standing on his chest but he couldn’t raise his head enough to get a look at the triangle. He heard the snap of fingers and suddenly he was shirtless.

“Bill stop!” Dipper ordered as he felt something soft and cold trace over his chest. From the sensation Dipper guessed it was Bill’s cane but it had an odd sticky feeling that suctioned slightly at his skin.

“Bill-AH!” He was about to plead again when the cane flicked at one of his nipples. He ground his teeth together when Bill repeated the gesture.

“Enjoying yourself?” Bill teased as he continued making the swirling patterns, hitting a nipple every now and again to try to illicit a response. Dipper’s skin sparked in tickles and shivers that worked their way down into his stomach. Dipper wouldn’t admit it but the feeling building behind his navel was amazing. The fact that he couldn’t see what Bill was doing made it better- or rather worse. He couldn’t anticipate the touch, so he couldn’t tense his muscles ahead of time to lessen the sensitivity. Every stroke electrified him and he soon found his eyes drifting closed with the pleasant feelings.

The swirls slowly expanded down over his stomach and Dipper’s breathing quickened.

“Ready to make a deal?” Bill drawled as he stroked over a particularly sensitive spot below Dipper’s belly button. Dipper tried his best to contain his shivering. “If you promise not to tell the Corduroys about me I will give you a pleasure rarely experienced by humans.” Dipper’s hips twitched at Bill’s suggestion.

“I ju-just want…you to stop…” Dipper breathed between gasps. He heard Bill chuckle.

“If that’s true…” Bill flicked at a nipple again, causing a groan to come forth shakily from Dipper’s throat. “…then why haven’t you stopped me?”

Dipper’s eyes snapped open. He’d forgotten. They were in the mindscape! He could imagine his way out of this! He tried to ignore the sensations in his skin and focus.

He tried to imagine the cane disappearing, dissolving into the air like steam. But the thought of steam made Dipper think of condensation and suddenly the cane was leaving wet trails on his stomach. Bill laughed louder this time.

“Just one little promise, pine tree.” Bill traced the cane tantalizingly slow along the hem of Dipper’s jeans.

“Nnng….n-noooh…”Dipper moaned despite himself. There was another finger snap and he felt cool air hitting his legs. His jeans were gone but thankfully Bill had left him his boxers. Not that they were hiding much anymore. Dipper could feel the hardness in his groin, aching to be touched.

His stomach muscles clenched as he felt Bill hook the cane under the elastic in his boxers. He lifted the fabric and Dipper heard Bill make a pleased noise as the cold air hit him. If Dipper could have blushed any redder he would have. Bill was looking at him. _All_ of him. Bill was close enough that if he just reached out with one of his hands-

There was a loud snap as Bill let the elastic in his boxers snap back against Dipper’s hips. He let out a cry at the shock of pain (and pleasure!?) that ripped through his groin.

When Bill spoke again Dipper could hear the Cheshire grin in his voice. “It would be such a shame, to leave you like this…” Dipper whined as he felt Bill’s feet float off of him. The triangle demon floated into Dipper’s view again. “All you need to do is make a deal kid.” Bill brought the end of his cane gently against Dipper’s cheek and Dipper felt his hips buck, trying to get some friction against his boxers. He was only a second away from giving in when a loud bang made both Bill and Dipper turn towards the door.

“DIPPER!! I’ve come to save-“ Mabel stopped when she saw Dipper and Bill on Dipper’s bed. Her face turned pink as her mind processed what was going on and the blood behind Dipper’s face blushed in embarrassment and paled in horror at the same time, leaving him a kind of splotchy colour.

Mabel shoved her palms over her eyes and yelled: “OH MY GOD!” Bill burst out in laughter, nearly toppling himself over in mid-air. Dipper scowled at them both. After a moment, Mabel cleared her throat loudly.

“Bill, you let my brother go or else!” She demanded, hands still covering her eyes. Bill looked at Dipper before turning back to his sister.

“I don’t think your brother wants to go, shooting star.” Bill giggled. “In fact I think he’d rather be com-“

There was a loud shriek as a cat was hurled towards Bill. Bill barely dodged the animal but three more came careening towards him. Mabel launched the cats with surprisingly good aim considering she was blind at the moment. Bill tumbled backwards out of Dipper’s field of vision and Dipper could hear him struggling with the angry cat.

“AAH! NOT THE EYE! NOT THE EYE!” He yelled as two more cats were launched across the room. One landed on Dipper and he screamed as it dug its claws into his bare chest.

“Sorry Dipper!” Mabel called then she turned in Bill’s direction. “There’s more where that came from!” Dipper saw her hold up another cat. Bill must have seen it to.

“Okay okay! I surrender. What is it with you and cats?” He muttered. “Don’t forget my offer pine tree!” Bill called before Dipper felt a sharp pain in the back of his neck and suddenly he was lying on the floor of their real attic. Mabel was crouched over him with a hand on his forehead.

Both siblings jolted away from eachother. The smell of burning candles wafted through the attic and Dipper could feel a headache starting to build behind his eyes.

Mabel looked at her brother with a mixture of disbelief and embarrassment. Dipper felt himself go splotchy again.

“Mabel…I can explain.” He started. Mabel shook her head.

“Nope!” She said as she got to her feet.

“It wasn’t what it looked like!”

Mabel kept shaking her head. “I’m going to go wash out my brain with bleach. You-“ She spun to point at her brother, eyes narrowed in anger. “- can clean this up!”

“Mabel, I swear it wasn’t-“ Dipper tried to argue but Mabel was already out the door and he could hear the thumping of her feet on the stairs as she ran through the shack.

Dipper sighed and shifted on the floor. He was suddenly glad Mabel had run out when she did because the movement made him very aware of certain…consequences to his time spent in the mindscape. Dipper fumed.

This was all Bill’s fault! The fucking incubus! He couldn’t believe he’d almost given in. At least it seemed like Wendy and Dale were safe. Whatever Bill’s plan was, he needed them in the dark about his real identity.

Dipper thought of all the texts he’d sent Dale and cringed. That was going to be awkward.

As if on cue, Dipper’s cell vibrated in his front pocket. He grabbed for it, trying to shut the vibrations off. They weren’t helping a whole lot with his situation. When Dipper looked at the screen he saw some new texts from Dale.

_Lol that’s a lot of texts_

_I’m okay! I was just on a trip with Wendy and we left our phones here_

_I’m sorry…I should have told you_

_I can’t right now but I’ll call you in a bit_

_I’m sorry I worried you so much!!_

Dipper fell backwards with a groan. Oh yeah, it was awkward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit it, I'm a tease.
> 
> Also you have no idea how hard it was not to put quotation marks around Bill's "cane." 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	6. Customer Service

The phone call later was just as bad. There were a lot of sorrys exchanged and Dipper didn’t even know why Dale was apologizing. It’s not like he had to tell Dipper about everything he did. That was more so true now that they weren’t even dating.

Somehow Dipper was able to make it through the call and invited Dale to come over for a chat the next morning. He even managed to convince Mabel to be there for support despite the fact she still couldn’t look Dipper in the eye.

She wouldn’t even let him try to explain! Every time he did she would run away with her hands over her ears. Not that he could really blame her. Dipper was having a hard time trying to forget the way Bill’s cane had felt on his skin. He found himself wishing the Society of the Blind Eye was still in business.

But Mabel was there with him when Dale walked into the kitchen the next morning. Dipper hoped her presence would go a long way in convincing Dale he wasn’t a psycho stalker ex and was actually just worried for his safety.

Dale sat across from the twins a little nervously but a smile still tugged at his lips, crinkling the freckles on his cheeks. Dipper couldn’t help but smile back.

“I’m really REALLY sorry we didn’t tell you guys that we were going to be gone for a few days.” Dale began but Dipper waved him quiet.

“That’s okay Dale. I shouldn’t have panicked. It’s just…well, let me show you why I was freaking out.” Dipper nodded to Mabel and she slid a journal on the kitchen table towards Dale. It was open to the page on Bill Cipher.

“When we were younger, Gideon summoned a demon to try and get into our Grunkle’s mind.” Dipper told Dale, as the youth’s eyes absorbed the information on the pages in front of him. “Some stuff went down and we banished the demon from Gravity Falls. But now it looks like he’s back.”

“Dale, Wendy’s friend Bill is a dream demon.” Mabel cut in with the punchline. Dale looked between the two twins.

“Is he dangerous?” Dale asked after a moment. Dipper was surprised. He thought for sure Dale would doubt them. Dipper exchanged a glance with Mabel.

“We’re not sure.” Dipper admitted. “It doesn’t seem like he wants to hurt anybody right now but he definitely has the power to do so.”

Dale nodded slowly. “Alright, so what do we do?”

Dipper looked down at his hands. “We were hoping to tell Wendy about him…”

“Yeah, of course.” Dale agreed quickly.

“The only thing is that if we do…” Dipper trailed off.

“Bill will tell Wendy about you and Dipper.” Mabel finished. Dipper shot her a look for skipping ahead and she shrugged. Dale blushed.

“You know…? Wait, Bill knows!?” He looked at Dipper and Dipper winced with guilt.

“Mabel guessed…a while ago and Bill was in the room at Tambry’s party…” Dipper deliberately ignored Mabel’s stare. Dale’s blush deepened.

“I’m okay with it!” Dipper quickly continued. “If Wendy knows about us, it’s okay. I just…it wasn’t just my secret…” He saw Dale’s adam’s apple move as he swallowed.

“How do we know Bill hasn’t already told Wendy?” Dipper could tell Dale was thinking out loud.

“I don’t think he has. He seems to need Wendy to think he’s a human for some reason. Right now that’s the only leverage he has on us to keep us quiet.” Dipper neglected to add anything about the deal he’d almost made with Bill.

Dale ran a hand through his red curls. He was starting to stress.

“Dale, we don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Mabel spoke up. “But I don’t think Wendy would be upset to know you’re gay. She loves you.”

“I-I know…” Dale mumbled. “It’s just not…the best time. Can we…can we maybe not tell her for a while?” Dipper and Mabel exchanged another glance. Dipper was surprised for the second time since Dale had sat down in their kitchen. He’d thought for sure Dale would agree with telling Wendy. It was her safety that was at stake, afterall. “Please?” Dale pleaded. “You said you didn’t think he wants to hurt anyone right?”

“Well, not yet….but Bill’s not a good guy, Dale. He’s planning something and whatever it is we can’t let him get away with it.” Dipper argued. Dale frowned and scratched at the back of his hands.

“Okay.” Mabel said. Both Dipper and Dale turned to her with wide eyes. “We’ll figure out some way to protect Wendy without letting her know.”

“But-“ Dipper tried to interject but Mabel cut him off.

“Dipper, the whole reason we haven’t already told Wendy is because Dale has a right to his privacy. You said his opinion mattered and this is his opinion.” Dipper looked away from her, feeling more guilt coiling in his chest. She was right, of course. Even if Dipper didn’t agree, it wasn’t up to just him.

“I can keep an eye on Bill.” Dale offered. “I can stop him if he does anything weird.”

“You’ll let us know if he does anything weird.” Dipper corrected firmly. He didn’t want Dale getting more involved with Bill if he could help it. Dale looked a little bit wilted. He swallowed again.

“I’m sorry, I just-“

“I get it.” Dipper interrupted. Dale perked up a little. The silence that spread between them was heavy with tension but luckily Mabel was great at breaking up tension.

“Well now that I have you both here…” She rose from the table and went to the fridge. “You can both be the taste testers for my new invention…Macakles!” Mabel turned around with a tray full of what Dipper would have described as oozing sores. Dipper and Dale looked at each other in panic. Both had had experience with Mabel’s…(would you call it cooking?)...in the past.

“Oh jeez, I would love to Mabel but I’ve got…a thing I promised to be at…” Dale pushed himself away from the table and started to back towards the door. Dipper slowly started to get up too, sure not to make any sudden movements.

“Oh that’s alright…it will only take a second.” Mabel’s voice was low and ominous as she started towards Dale. Dale broke for the door and Mabel tackled him, somehow keeping the ‘Macakles’ from dropping to the floor. She held Dale in a headlock and brought one of the disgusting things to his mouth.

“Dipper! Help!” Dale shouted. He struggled in Mabel’s grip.

“I’m sorry Dale!” Dipper shouted back as he turned to head for the back door. He would have made it to the exit if not for the pig that came barreling out of the hallway and jumped on Dipper, knocking him to the floor.

“Dipper!” Mable called, walking slowly towards him. Dipper could hear Dale coughing and gagging in the kitchen. Panicking, he tried to pry Waddles off of him but the pig was too heavy.

“No! Wait, Mabel! NOOOO!” He screamed as she stuffed the Macakle into his mouth. It tasted like gym socks boiled in cream soda and had the texture of cracked heels covered in vaseline. Dipper gagged but Mabel held her hand to his mouth so that he was forced to swallow.

Mabel cackled with laughter while both boys groaned on the floor, holding their stomachs.

Maybe Bill wasn’t the only one they needed to keep an eye on.

 

…

 

Needless to say, Dipper was out of commission for the next day and a half. Last he’d heard, Dale had been admitted to the hospital for dehyrdation.

“I guess I need to work on the recipe.” Mabel mused as she worked on an apology sweater for Dale. Dipper had just groaned in response and rolled over in his bed. It took Dipper a full week to be able to taste food normally again.

In the meantime Mable had been keeping an eye on Wendy and Bill. She’d been hanging out with them almost every day and if Dipper didn’t know better he’d have said Mable had grown fond of Bill.

Which would explain why she now was standing with Wendy and Bill outside the Mystery Shack laughing loudly at something Bill had said. Dipper was behind the cash register glaring through the door at the trio as he handed a lady her change. Melody had an appointment that morning so Dipper was filling in for her.

The three of them were still laughing as they walked in the door. Wendy and Mabel continued to chat near the entrance while Bill sauntered over to Dipper. Today he had in a fake eye that roughly matched the light gold-brown of his real eye. He leaned on the counter and Dipper tried his best to pretend he wasn’t there by reading randomly from a magazine.

“Pine tree.” Bill greeted him pleasantly.

“Bill.” Dipper responded in a less polite tone.

“Given any thought to my offer?” Bill might as well have been talking about the weather instead of demonic sex deals with an eighteen year old. Dipper tried to will his face into resisting the blush creeping up his neck.

“Hm? Oh, that? Yeah, I think I’m going to have to go with no. No way in hell.” Dipper answered, still refusing to look at Bill. Bill snickered.

“So you told Red Jr. about me huh?” Bill said after a moment. That made Dipper look up. This could be dangerous if he gave the wrong answers.

“No, why would I?” Dipper looked back at his magazine, trying to cover his response. Bill reached over and pushed Dipper’s magazine down against the counter so that Dipper was forced to turn his attention to the demon.

“Please, Dipper. He’s not exactly a sly one.” Dipper met Bill’s eerily focused eyes.

“If you mess with Dale…” Dipper had to leave the threat unfinished because Wendy and Mabel had decided their conversation was over right then.

 “What’s happening Dipper?” Wendy asked as she walked over and jumped up to sit on the cash desk. Bill straightened up smoothly.

“Oh, you know, selling cheap junk to stupid tourists. Same as always.” Dipper answered.

“Yeah, I do not miss the tourists.” Wendy agreed.

“Excuse me young man?” A woman in flowered shorts approached the counter and Dipper stretched his already cramping facial muscles into a false grin.

“Yes?”

“Could you explain what that strange contraption is?” Dipper followed her pointed finger.

“You mean the…water fountain?”

“Oh! How exotic! Did you hear that honey?” The woman waved over her husband.

“Oooh!” He exclaimed, snapping a picture of the fountain. Dipper and Wendy exchanged a glance as the couple moved to the far end of the store. Wendy made the ‘crazy’ gesture with her finger when they weren’t looking.

“When did we get a water fountain?” Mabel asked Dipper.

“Grunkle Stan had it installed like two days ago. It’s coin operated.” Dipper explained. A child with a headgear retainer was already dropping a few coins in the water fountain’s slot as Dipper spoke. The pipes made an ungodly squeal before a couple drops of water dripped out of the tap. The kid’s lips quivered and he hopelessly tried to lick the drops from the sink.

“So anyways…” Wendy said, changing the subject. “…what are you and Mabel doing tomorrow night?”

“Nothing!” Mabel squealed excitedly.

“Why?” Dipper asked. He looked suspiciously between Wendy and Bill. Both were grinning.

“We’re going camping!” Wendy announced. Dipper winced.

“No way.” Dipper said. A bunch of kids alone in the middle of nowhere in tents was a horror movie waiting to happen by itself. Add a psychotic demon and the odds of survival plummeted like a body off a cliff.

“Come ooon Dipper!” Mabel whined. “You never want to do anything fun.”

“That is not true. Plus isn’t there a good reason why we shouldn’t go camping? You know…alone….in the woods?” Dipper pointed at Bill with his eyes, trying to get Mable to catch his drift.

“What’s the matter, pine tree?” Bill flicked Dipper’s hat as he spoke. “Scared of the woods?” Dipper scowled in an attempt to hide the shiver that ran down his spine at Bill’s words. He readjusted his hat.

“Laaame.” Wendy booed. “C’mon Dipper, even Thompson’s going!”

“If he doesn’t want to go, we could always ask your brother to fill up his spot.” Bill suggested, looking at Dipper. Something menacing flashed across his eyes.

“I don’t know…Dale’s never been fond of camping…” Wendy said as she considered the option.

Dipper groaned. There was only one way to make sure everyone stayed safe in Bill’s presence. “I’ll go.” He muttered.

“Yay!” Mabel cheered, giving both Wendy and Bill a high five. Dipper frowned at her.

“I promise it will be fun.” Wendy gave Dipper’s shoulder a pat and jumped down from the counter. She mis-stepped and tripped. Bill reacted quickly to catch her by the waist.

“Whups…thanks.” Wendy said as Bill set her back on her feet. He gave her his trademark grin.

What? WHAT!? What was that? Dipper stared between the blonde and the red-head. Was Wendy blushing!? Oh no. Oh no, no. This was not good. Dipper felt his blood running cold in his veins.

“Well we’ll leave you to do your job.” Wendy said, turning towards Dipper. “I’ll text you the details about camping tomorrow!” She started to drag Bill towards the Mystery Shack door. “See you guys tomorrow!”

Bill gave Dipper one last amused look before he was towed out the door by Wendy.

“Bye Wendy! Bye Bill!” Mabel called after them, waving frantically. She sighed happily before catching sight of Dipper’s expression. “…What?”

“Mabel!! We’re supposed to be protecting Wendy from Bill! Not helping him set up the perfect murder!” Dipper snapped. Mabel rolled her eyes.

“You’re over-reacting bro. Bill’s not going to murder anyone…” Dipper stared at his sister. “…probably.” She added after a few seconds. “Maybe he’s put the whole ‘world domination’ thing behind him and wants to live, like, a normal life?”

Dipper scoffed. “Then why is he so obsessed with keeping Wendy from knowing he’s a demon? Besides did you _see_ the way he was looking at her? Something is definitely up!”

A smug look spread across Mabel’s face. “Oh? So you didn’t like the fact that Bill was looking at Wendy?”

“Of course not! I-“ Dipper started before he caught up to Mabel’s meaning. His mouth dropped in horror. “No Mabel. Just- no.” Mabel laughed.

“You say that but I know what I walked in on in your mindscape. The image is forever burned into my mind.” Mabel shuddered at the thought. Dipper’s cheeks lit up.

“I already told you! That was all Bill! He was trying to get me to make a deal with him!” Dipper spluttered. Mabel pat Dipper’s hand consolingly.

“I understand.” She said, much to Dipper’s surprise.

“You do?”

“Yup! Bill’s hot and I know how you boys think with your hormones.” Mabel said. Dipper’s face fell.

“That’s sexist Mabel.” Dipper accused. Mabel giggled.

“Well, I’ve got a camping trip to pack for!” Mabel pushed herself away from the cash counter. “Don’t worry too much Bro-seph!” She danced towards the gift shop exit.

“Mabel!” Dipper shouted after her but she was already gone.

“Excuse me? Could you explain to me exactly what the point of a bobble-head is?” A badly sun burned tourist asked from in front of the shelf of Stan shaped bobbleheads. Dipper groaned internally, putting on his ‘customer service’ face again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to stay ahead by a chapter but holy smokes the next chapter is kicking my ass. Remember when I said I was going to try not to be so long-winded? Yeah....
> 
> Thank you to everyone for the nice comments as well! You guys make my heart flutter! -3' <3
> 
> And as always thanks for reading!


	7. Camping

The spot that was picked for camping seemed like it was designed to give Dipper anxiety. It was more than an hour’s drive because they had to drive the long way around the valley to get up to the higher altitude. It was a five minute walk to the river that eventually led to the falls and a fifteen minute walk to the edge of the cliff overlooking the town. Of course Wendy ignored all of Dipper’s protests.

It didn’t take long to set up the three tents and the campfire. Robbie had brought along a can of gasonline to help get the camp fire started and nearly blew himself up lighting it. Wendy promptly ordered a delighted Bill to keep the can out of Robbie’s reach for the rest of the trip.

“We’re all going to die. They’re never going to find the bodies.” Dipper muttered to himself more than once.

“Lighten up bro-bro! Have a s’more!” Mabel tried to cheer him up. Dipper was amazed at how she’d managed to burn both the marshmallow and the graham crackers.

“Hey! Those are for after dinner!” Thompson complained, confiscating the bag of marshmallows from Mabel.

“Booo.” Mabel spat bits of graham cracker and marshmallow from a full mouth.

“What is for dinner, anyways?” Tambry asked as she soaked herself in bug repellent. Robbie grinned, dropping a bundle of fishing rods and tackle unceremoniously on the ground.

“We’ll be catching our own dinner tonight!” He announced. Tambry made a face.

“Ew. I don’t even like fish.” She said in a bored voice.

“Oh you’ll see. Your man will catch the biggest fish you’ve ever seen!” Robbie boasted.

“Robbie, you aren’t listening.” Tambry rolled her eyes when she realized it was hopeless.

“I haven’t fished in a while. I used to be pretty good.” Wendy picked up a red fishing rod and spun the handle. Robbie noticed and walked over to snatch it out of her hands.

“Uh this is men’s work. You girls can get ready to cook what I bring back.” Robbie puffed out his chest. Wendy barked a laugh.

“Are you kidding? I bet us three _girls_ could catch more fish than the six of you guys combined.” She goaded. Robbie looked insulted.

“Oh you are ON! And the losers have to…sleep outside!...Except Tambry of course.” He added as an afterthought. Tambry shook her head and opted to ignore him.

“Deal!” Wendy grabbed the red fishing rod back from Robbie and busied herself arguing with Robbie about the division of supplies.

“What’s happening?” Nate asked. He, Lee and Bill had just finished locking up the rest of the supplies in Thompson’s van.

“We’re competing with the girls to see who can catch more fish.” Dipper explained. His interest in the whole thing was probably on par with Tambry’s.

“Yeah and the losers have to sleep outside!” Mabel added, joining Wendy in collecting the best fishing tack, much to Robbie’s dismay.

“Can I join the girl’s team?” Bill asked as he stalked over to where Mabel and Robbie were restling over a lure.

“Hah! See? Bill know’s what’s up!” Wendy gave Bill a playful punch in the arm. Dipper heard warning alarms go off in his head.

“Fine, take the traitor!” Robbie griped. “Just don’t come crying to us when you’re outside shivering in the cold!” Robbie shoved a bunch of tangled fishing tack into Dipper’s hands. “C’mon guys, I know a secret fishing spot.”

“Wait!” Dipper tried to turn back to the girls (plus Bill) but Robbie grabbed him by the arm, dragging him into the woods. Thomson, Nate and Lee followed, carrying the rest of the fishing stuff. Dipper looked back over his shoulder to see Bill waving goodbye, a mischievious look on his face.

Robbie’s “secret fishing spot” turned out to be the closest spot in the river to the camp. Dipper wanted to return to the camp to keep an eye on Bill but the four other guys were so completely hopeless in setting up their fishing gear that he ended up staying to show them how it was done. Besides Mabel was with Bill. She’d make sure he didn’t do anything.

(Little did he know that farther up the river Bill was trying to convince Mabel to let him use her as bait. The bigger the bait, the bigger the fish, he argued and Mabel was already tying up her own feet with fishing line before Wendy stopped them.)

Two hours later and the guys hadn’t even had a single bite. Lee and Nate had grown bored 30 minutes in and were playing hacky sack by the bank of the river. A stray kick landed the sack right in the back of Robbie’s head.

“Would you guys quite messing around!?” He yelled at them. “I’m _trying_ to beat the girls over here!”

“Sorry Rob but this is boring.” Nate complained.

“Yeah man. I don’t think there are any fish around here.” Lee agreed.

“Well that’s probably because _some_ people are scaring them off with their noise!” Robbie shouted.

“You’re the one yelling…” Lee muttered, scuffing his foot on the grass as Robbie turned back to his barren fishing pole.

Dipper looked at the trees around them. His paranoia itched and he kept thinking Bill was going to burst out from the trees with a chainsaw or something.

“I’m going to check on the girls.” Dipper said finally, standing up. It didn’t seem like anyone had heard him though. Thompson had an eerie, almost trance like focus on his rod and Robbie was shaking with rage while Nate and Lee lay back on the grass groaning about how bored they were.

Dipper followed the river upstream and it didn’t take long to find the girls.

“Dipper! Check out all the things I caught!” Mabel shouted when she saw him approach. Dipper raised his eyebrows, the girls had actually caught something? His surprise fell when he looked in their bucket though. Inside was a frog, about twenty worms and particularly sparkly rock.

“Er…that’s great Mabel!” Dipper looked around. The only other person he could see was Tambry who was setting up her camera tripod. She’d become something of a photographer in the last few years and made quite a bit of money from it.

“Where’s Wendy…and Bill?” Dipper asked, feeling itchy again.

“Wendy went to take care of some _business_ like ten minutes ago _._ And Bill just went to go get some sodas out of the cooler in the van.” Mabel answered. Dipper stared at her with wide eyes. His twin had failed him.

“Okay, okay.” He muttered as he started to pace. “No need to panic. I’ll just go look for Wendy first…” Dipper stopped that train of thought. That was how people got killed in horror movies, splitting up to look for the missing link. He had to be smart about this.

“Dipper.” He jumped when he felt Mabel’s hand on his arm. “They’ve only been gone for like five minutes. There’s no need to get crazy.”

“Psh, of course! I’m not going crazy!” Dipper scratched furiously at the itch on his arms.

“You’re acting pretty crazy.” Tambry commented. The flash on her camera went off, leaving spots in Dipper’s vision.

“Heheheh.” Dipper laughed forcefully. “I’m just going to go…get back to fishing…” He forced himself to walk away from the two girls but broke into a run as soon as he thought he was out of sight.

He was almost out of breath by the time he reached the guys.

“Guys…Wendy’s…missing.” He told them between huffs of air.

“Yes!” Nate cheered. Everyone turned to look at him in horror. “Uh…I mean…it’s just something different to do…”

“What about the contest?” Robbie worried aloud.

“Forget the contest man! Wendy’s missing!” Dipper finally caught his breath. Robbie pouted and Dipper rolled his eyes. “Thompson can watch the rods.” Thompson didn’t respond to his name. He was still stuck in his weird trance.

“Alright.” Robbie relented. “Then I guess we should split up?”

“No!” Dipper nearly shouted and flushed when Robbie gave him a weird look. “I- we don’t want anyone else to get lost right?”

Nate and Lee murmured in agreement and Robbie shrugged.

“We’ll comb the woods in a zigzag pattern.” Dipper explained, leading the small group into the trees. The three boys were content to follow Dipper’s directions and were soon shouting loudly for Wendy as they tromped through the woods.

After twenty minutes, Nate and Lee were getting bored again.

“Are you sure she isn’t just back at the camp?” Lee asked.

“Yeah, Wendy’s really good at navigating…nature.” Nate added, kicking a toadstool. “Maybe we should just head back?”

“No! Guys, what if she’s in trouble!?” Dipper argued. Bill must be hiding her. Trying to draw them out, deeper into the forest so he could cut their throats where no one could hear them. Dipper’s eyes darted across the bushes around them, keeping his vision peeled for anything suspicious.

The group continued for a few more minutes in silence before they heard a loud screeching. The noise startled a few birds out of the trees around them.

“Wendy!?” Dipper shouted, already starting to run in the direction of the sound. The other three struggled to follow him through the heavy brush and nearly toppled him over when Dipper came to a halt at the edge of a shallow valley.

“What gives man!?” Robbie growled when he hit Nate’s elbow due to the sudden stop. He shut up when he got a look at the valley though. Below them was a large rusted contraption that looked like a complicated bear trap. In the caged area in the center a strange animal shrieked.

“Hey guys.” All four of them jumped and turned to see Bill jogging towards them from the direction they’d come from. “What are you all doing out here?”

“We’re looking for Wendy.” Lee said.

“Wendy?” Bill eyes flicked over the four young men. “She’s back at the camp.”

“Oh man! I knew it!” Robbie groaned. Dipper was only half listening. Part of him noted that Bill suddenly arriving was bad news but it was drowned out by the other part of him that told him to go investigate the weird animal in the trap. He started forward and slid down the embankment to get a better look at the creature. The others followed after a moment of hesitation.

“What is this thing?” Lee wondered, running his hands over the rusted limbs and levers of the contraption.

“Looks like it’s been here for a while.” Bill said idly. Robbie muttered something about a waste of time as Dipper knelt beside the cage. The thing inside looked like a large furry coat with giant porcupine needles sticking out of it. A mouth full of jagged teeth opened up and let out another piercing shriek. Dipper felt his heart squeeze for the poor animal and he wondered how long it had been stuck here.

“Can we get it out?” He asked, looking around for a release switch of some sort.

“What, so it can eat us?” Robbie said, only half in sarcasm.

“It doesn’t look all that big…and it might be weak from being caught.” Dipper mused. He stopped when he saw Lee, Nate and Robbie’s eyes grow wide as they looked over his shoulder. Dipper turned to see the creature had stood up on his hind legs. Its neck stretched up and it looked down at their group with slit black eyes.

It ended up at about three times Dipper’s height, with the stature of a wolverine. Thick claws stuck out from the matted fur, almost as long as the porcupine needles on its back. Dipper swallowed around the lump that had formed in his throat.

“Okay…maybe we shouldn’t let it out.” He muttered. The others nodded their heads in agreement. Suddenly, the creature attacked the crossed bars of its cage, letting out a roaring shriek that left flecks of monster spit on Dipper’s face. The four boys screamed and scrambled backwards away from the creature.

“Let’s get out of here!” Lee shouted, crawling back up the embankment. Dipper didn’t need to be told twice. He saw Nate and Robbie following Lee and paused to see where Bill had gone.

Bill, of course, had stayed near the contraption and was fiddling with the levers at random.

“Bill!” Dipper called to him in panic. Bill turned towards Dipper with a grin on his face, fake eye seeming to glow slightly in the shadows.

“Hey I think I found the release switch!” He called. Dipper’s already sweaty hands started to feel clammy. He looked back up to see the other three already disappearing through the underbrush and then turned his head back towards Bill.

“Bill, don’t even think about-“ Dipper shouted but it was too late. The far wall of the cage fell to the dirt with a loud metallic thunk. Another shriek ripped across the shallow valley as the creature fought to back itself out of the cage. They way its neck seemed to shrink was fascinating and in any other circumstances Dipper would have loved to study the way it moved. But right now Dipper had to run if he wanted to live.

He slipped sideways across the hill. At the very least he could lure the thing away from the other three. Dipper chanced a quick look back. The rusted metal shook and creaked as the creature tried to unstick its pines from the spaces between the bars. At least that would slow it down until Dipper could get to a safe distance.

Then he noticed Bill, who now had a stick in his hand. He whacked it against the rusted bars with a loud laugh, making the creature roar angrily in response. Dipper swore.

He bolted down to Bill, reaching him just as the beast fell backwards out of the cage, miraculousy without breaking any of its spines. Dipper grabbed the stupid demon’s hand and dragged him up the hill. An angry screech followed them over the edge of the embankment and this time Dipper refused to look back.

“What…the FUCKING…HELL BILL!?” Dipper screamed between his panting. Bill just laughed and his eyes twinkled at Dipper. Dipper let go of his hand when he realized the other was keeping up with annoying ease.

The thunder of trees crashing could be heard behind them and the sound was getting closer. Dipper didn’t even know what direction he was running in anymore. He just hoped he was running in the opposite direction of the camp.

Dipper tripped over a stump but caught himself, adrenaline going too fast for him to register any pain. His lungs burned and he knew he couldn’t keep this pace up for much longer. He shot a glance at Bill beside him. Bill didn’t look concerned about their predicament at all. His mouth was open and his eyes had that ecstatic crazed look again.

The trees seemed to thin and suddenly Dipper was skidding to a halt to avoid running off the edge of the cliff that had appeared in front of them. He panted as he looked at the thousand foot fall.

“Now what?” Bill asked exitedly. The creature crashed into view behind them. Its face almost mirrored Bill’s expression, the only differences were the insanely sharp teeth and bone crunching jaws. Dipper looked around and pointed to a tree with a thick trunk. He unbuckled his belt as they ran towards it and Dipper prayed that he could still do the trick he’d learned from Wendy a few years ago.

He swung his belt around the tree, barely able to grab the other end even when he stretched his arms. Using the belt as leverage, he climbed. When Wendy had first taught him she’d made him practise until he could clear your average tree in under a minute. He made a mental note to thank her because if it weren’t for her training he never would have made it up past the creature’s reach in time.

Dipper kicked at the beast as it snapped at him, freakish neck outstretched all the way. The tree swayed slightly under its weight and Dipper focused on trying to get to the branches that were crowded near the top. Just as he was about to wonder where Bill had gone he felt a hand grab his foot.

“Hey!” He cried as Bill climbed over him, nearly knocking off his hat. Bill sat on the closest branch and looked down at Dipper with a grin. Dipper scowled and felt his foot slip on the bark. His heart jumped into his throat and he felt everything in slow motion as he slipped from the tree. Thankfully, Bill’s hand shot out to grab his and Dipper hung on for dear life as his belt dropped onto the creatures head, earning them an angry snarl. Dipper clambered up to the branch opposite Bill and hugged the tree, breathing hard.

“Thank you God! If you exist, thank you! Thank you!”

“Your welcome!” Bill said, laughing when Dipper scowled at him.

“What the hell was that!?” Dipper demanded. Bill shrugged.

“You wanted to let it out, remember?”

Dipper winced. “That was before I knew it wanted eat me whole!”

“Nonsense pinetree. A bandersnatch is exemplary at cleaning its kill. It wouldn’t eat you whole.” Bill argued, swinging danerously on his branch.

“What did you call it?” Dipper couldn’t help his curiosity, even when he was suspended forty feet in the air with a crazed demon and an angry animal waiting for him to come down.

“A bandersnatch. There used to be a lot more of them around. My guess is whoever set that trap was very good at what he did.”

The bandersnatch below them made a disgruntled noise and circled the tree. It stood on its hind legs a few times and Dipper could see its nose twitching.

“It can’t climb trees can it?” Dipper asked nervously, eyeing its long claws.

Bill shrugged. “Never seen one try.” Dipper shuddered, imagining what the bandersnatch would do once it go a hold of them. Or at least him. Bill was a demon and had weird magic so he would probably be fine.

“Can’t you do something? Snap your fingers and make it disappear?” Dipper said. Bill let go of his branch to hang upside down by his knees.

“Where would the fun be in that?” He answered, waving at the creature. It huffed and sat down, settling in for a long wait.

Dipper eyed Bill’s hiking boots, no doubt borrowed from one of Wendy’s brothers. That probably meant Bill couldn’t do anything about the bandersnatch. He doubted Bill would ever admit to having limited powers but there must be some limits. Especially if he was going through all this trouble to act like human.

“Why do you need to keep Wendy in the dark about you being a demon?” He asked after a few seconds of silence. Since he and Bill were stuck up here he might as well make the most of it and try to get some answers. Bill pulled himself back up to look at Dipper.

“Oh I don’t _need_ to keep it from her. It’s just more convenient this way.” Bill answered cryptically. What the hell did that mean? “Why were you running around the woods looking for her anyways? Shooting Star told me you were acting weird when you came to spy on how well we were doing in the contest.”

Dipper looked at the tree bark he was leaning against. “I thought you’d murdered her.” He mumbled, realizing how stupid it sounded now. “Or you and her were out…” He snapped his mouth shut. That was not a sentence he was going to finish. But Bill, of course, wasn’t about to let that go.

“Me and her were out what?” He pressed, bringing up his feet so he was perched on the branch like an owl.

“We were out doing what, pinetree?” Bill urged again when Dipper didn’t answer. Dipper sighed.

“I thought you were out making out or something okay!” Dipper swear he could _hear_ Bill grinning. He glanced at Bill and sure enough he had his lips pulled back over his freakishly white teeth. Suddenly he jumped, making Dipper squeak as he landed on Dipper’s branch. Dipper gripped the trunk as he felt Bill’s weight on the wood. There was no way this branch could support them both.

Dipper shimmied around to another branch and carefully stood up on shaky legs. He was about to climb to a higher foothold, away from Bill when Bill’s face appeared on the other side of the tree. Dipper startled and nearly let go of his branch before Bill reached around to grab both his arms.

“Don’t touch me!” Dipper snapped. Bill raised both his hands up where Dipper could see them once he was sure Dipper had a grip on the trunk.

“Yeesh, teenagers. Always moaning for someone to touch them and then freaking out when someone does.” Bill said as he put his hands on his own hips. Dipper’s legs shook just looking at Bill. How could he be so balanced?

“How are you even able to touch things anyways?” Dipper was desperate to change the topic. It hadn’t escaped his notice that Bill hadn’t denied making out with Wendy. “I thought you needed a puppet or something for that?”

“I’ll show you.” Bill held up a hand and a blue flame starting at the tips of his fingers burned down to his wrist. In its wake it left behind skin that looked like it was rotting. It was so thin Dipper could see the muscles and tendons as they moved over the bones.

“Are you some kind of zombie?” Dipper asked, trying to contain the urge to reach out and touch Bill’s gross hand. Bill rolled his eye.

“What better puppet than a dead person?” He snapped his rotting fingers and the blue flame engulfed his hand. When it died away the hand was back to normal. Dipper looked at it in awe.

“Why don’t you look like that all the time?” Dipper lowered himself to sit on his branch, confident that Bill wasn’t going to try and chase him around the tree again.

“A little magic does wonders for the complexion.” Bill sat down as well. The leaves on the end of his branch shook as he did.

“Wouldn’t that…sap up all your magic?” Dipper didn’t really understand how magic worked but if it was like energy then the batteries could be depleted couldn’t they?

Bill scoffed at the suggestion. “A little something like this isn’t enough to wear me out, pine tree.”

“Oh.” Was all Dipper could say. The questions were starting to come out of their hiding spots in his head. He sat in silence, trying to sort through them. Meanwhile the bandersnatch below them had started to snore a loud grinding sound that startled the birds in the trees around them.

“So….are you an angel?” Dipper decided to just say the questions Bill was most likely to answer first.

“What do you think an angel is, kid?” Dipper thought Bill meant it as a joke but when Bill waited quietly for the answer he could tell the demon was being serious.

“Well I guess they’re like a kind of spirit? But not like a ghost…or a deceased relative or anything. And they’re supposed to be messengers of God.” The pages of the books Dipper had read came back to him.

“Wrong!” Bill sang, kicking the trunk of the tree hard enough to make Dipper’s branch shake beneath him. “Angels are just another word for an incorporeal being with power beyond the reach of human knowledge. ‘God’ is just the name they give to the most powerful one.” Dipper took a second to absorb that information.

“So, then you _are_ an angel?”

“I said ‘God’ was the name for the most powerful one.” Bill reminded him. Dipper grinned.

“So, you are an angel.” He repeated, enjoying the scowl on Bill’s face. “Wait, so then what are the Nephilim?” Dipper hoped he was pronouncing it right.

Bill didn’t answer, he just pointed a finger down at the sleeping beast.

“The bandersnatch? It’s an offspring between an angel…or demon and a human?” Dipper was skeptical but Bill nodded in affirmation.

“Some idiot a long, long time ago decided it would be a good idea to knock up some human chick and she gave birth to a bunch of crazy monstrosities. Those monsters bred with each other to make more monstrosities and voila, you get bandersnatches and gnomes and vampires and owls that play maraccas.” Bill got to his feet again and stretched, unable to stay still.

“The gnomes are descended from angels!?” Dipper stared up at Bill in shock. Bill leaned his arm against the tree trunk.

“Pine tree, let me tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a tiny triangle. This tiny triangle was very very smart and people from all over the world would come to ask him questions, offering up all sorts of goodies in exchange for knowledge about the universe. Sometimes he would answer, sometimes he would give the wrong answers, you know, just to mix things up. Then one of the people started to write things down and the offers started to stop. No more disembowled virgins, no more cakes shaped in my likeness! It was a bad time.” Bill stared off into the distance and was silent for a moment. Dipper shifted uncomfortably.

“Uh…is that the end of this story?” He asked when Bill still hadn’t said anything.

“What? Oh…yeah. Yadda yadda yadda, long story short, I burned down their library.” Bill finished.

“What? Are you…trying to tell me not to ask you anymore questions?” Dipper wasn’t quite sure he was following Bill’s train of thought.

“You? Stop asking questions? Hah!”

“Then what was the point of that story!?” Dipper demanded. Bill shrugged his lanky shoulders.

“That I like to light things on fire?” He punctuated his words by flicking a blue spark at the branch above Dipper’s head. The wood quickly caught and Dipper squeaked, using his hat to try to tamp out the flame.

“Well, please refrain from trying to burn down the tree we are currently in!” Dipper scolded when the flame finally died out. Bill cackled.

The sun was starting to get low on the horizon. Pinks and yellows were spilling out over the clouds and the shadows of the trees were stretching long. The others were probably worried about them by now. Dipper furrowed his brows in worry. If they came looking for him and Bill now they would run into the bandersnatch. Dipper looked back to Bill who was idly peeling off pieces of bark and dropping them onto the bandersnatch’s head. He giggled to himself when the creature twitched and wriggled in its sleep.

There was something about Bill. On the surface he seemed like a crazy pyromaniac who just did weird things for the hell of it but Dipper always got the feeling there was more to what he said or did. Take that story for instance. It didn’t seem like Bill was just trying to brag about his knowledge or how he could burn things down by thinking about it. What was he really trying to tell Dipper? Not to write down the things Bill told him? No, that didn’t seem right… What else had he said? Something about offerings?

Dipper looked between Bill and the furry monster resting underneath them.

“Bill.” He said finally.

“Yes?” Bill cooed still sprinkling bits of tree on the creature’s head.

“If you figure out a way to get rid of the bandersnatch, I won’t tell Wendy about you being a demon-or an angel or incorporeal being or whatever.” Bill’s face lit up and he grinned at Dipper.

“Deal?” He said, holding out a flaming blue hand. Dipper didn’t see how this deal could hurt. They’d already decided not to tell Wendy cause of Dale anyways. And he wasn’t really giving Bill any blackmail on him, unlike that…other potential deal Bill had offered him.

“Oh, but you can’t hurt it okay?” Dipper decided to add. Bill’s expression fell for only a second and then he nodded. Dipper grasped Bill’s hand and felt a warm tingling sensation as the flames enveloped him. The sensation lingered after Bill let go.

“HEY UGLY!” Bill screamed, making Dipper jump and startling the bandersnatch out of its sleep. “YEAH I’M TALKING TO YOU FUR FOR BRAINS!” The creature growled and stretched back up, leaning heavily on the tree. The trunk shook under its weight and Dipper was wondering if he would soon be regretting the deal he’d just made.

Bill reached up with both hands to tug on the thick branch above him. It came free from the trunk with a sickening snap, sending splinters of wood everywhere. Bill began twirling it around in his hands. Blue flames danced along the bark before diving inside the wood and making it glow. The light spilled out of the cracks like club spotlights and started to pulse on and off. Dipper had to look away from the hypnotic pulsing when he started to find himself feeling fuzzy. He saw that it had a similar effect on the bandersnatch as the creature was staring into the spinning branch, completely mesmerized by the lights and motion. After a minute Bill stopped spinning the giant branch and leaned back. With a grunt he flung the glowing wood over the trees. They watched it sail a good six miles before Dipper heard it crash in the distance.

The bandersnatch let out another heart-piercing screech and bounded after the branch like it was a golden retriever playing fetch. Dipper watched it crash through the trees untill it disappeared into the forest.

Dipper looked at Bill’s smug expression. “Couldn’t you have done that, you know, earlier?”

“What would’ve been the fun in that?” He replied. Dipper rolled his eyes but a smile tugged at his lips as he thought about what he’d just witnessed. Suddenly Bill jumped down from the tree, landing on the dirt with his knees bent in a position that should have snapped his ankles. He straightened up and looked at Dipper expectantly.

“Come on pine tree!” Bill called. Dipper’s smile dissolved into a glare. Bill knew there was no way he could get down. There were hardly any branches below him and his belt was who knows where.

“How?” Dipper called back reluctantly. He had a pretty good idea what Bill had in mind.

Bill grinned on cue and held out his arms. “I’ll catch you!”

Dipper snorted. “No way.” Bill sighed dramatically.

“If you don’t come down I’m going to burn it down.” Dipper didn’t even try to pretend that was a bluff. He shifted nervously on the branch.

“If you let me die I’m coming back to haunt you.” Dipper shouted.

“Tick-tock pine tree.” Bill replied. Dipper closed his eyes, held his breath and shuffled himself off the branch. The free fall sent all of his organs into his chest and he was afraid he was going to vomit them up when suddenly he was caught by firm hands around his waste and shoulder.

Dipper opened his eyes and found Bill bent over him, holding him in a low dip as if they were salsa dancers. Dipper flushed at the heat of Bill’s body pressed against him and he brought up his hands automatically to try to push Bill away. Bill’s eyes sparkled and then he dropped Dipper onto the dirt.

Dipper growled and quickly got to his feet. A slight pain shot up his foot from his toe as he put his full weight on it but Dipper opted to ignore it. He’d probably stubbed it sometime when he was running earlier. As he dusted himself off he looked around and realised he had no idea where they were.

“Uh…do you know the way back to the camp?” Dipper asked Bill, hoping he wasn’t going to have to offer up another deal so he wouldn’t be lost in the woods for days.

Luckily Bill was in a generous mood. Either that or he was interested in getting back to the camp for his own reasons. “It’s this way.” He started off through the underbrush and Dipper followed.

“The bandersnatch isn’t going to come back to eat us, right?” Dipper asked after a few minutes of hiking. The pain in his toe was turning into a dull throb and Dipper tried his best not to put much weight on it.

“Oh no. They prefer to eat root plants and bird eggs, sometimes burrowing animals. They aren’t very good at hunting.” Bill answered. Dipper grit his teeth.

“Are you telling me we weren’t in any danger?” He growled. Bill gave him a cheery look over his shoulder.

“I’m sure we were in some danger.”

Dipper swore internally then let out a long slow breath. This was stupid. Bill was stupid. He was stupid. Trees were stupid. Camping was stupid. The pain in his foot was stupid!

Dipper continued to fume as he walked, wishing he could bore a hole in the back of Bill’s head with his vision. To make matters worse, Bill was getting farther and farther ahead of him. His stubbed toe was making every step laborous and after only ten minutes he was covered in sweat.

“Is the camp much farther?” He called after Bill. Bill looked surprised to see Dipper so far behind and he stopped to let him catch up.

“It’s still a ways.” He answered when Dipper had got a little closer.

“Brilliant.” Dipper breathed. His bad foot slipped on a rock and Dipper screamed between his teeth, hopping on the still good foot to stay up. He lowered himself to the ground, letting the pain burn out as he tried to just breathe.

Bill knelt down beside him with a look of concern on his face. But Dipper knew better than that. Bill was not concerned about anyone but himself. If anything Bill was probably thinking this was a great chance to strike up another deal. Dipper winced as Bill touched the tip of his boot.

“You’re hurt.” Bill observed.

“No shit, Sherlock.” Dipper bit out. Bill reached for his boot again and Dipper braced himself for the pain that was no doubt coming. To his surprise, Bill didn’t just rip his boot off but instead unlaced it and carefully shimmied it over his injury, then did the same with the sock.

Dipper winced at the purple discoloration just under his big toe. He twisted his leg to get a look at the swollen pad of skin underneath. There was no way to be sure it was broken but the odds weren’t looking good. Bill watched intently as Dipper wiggled his toe and hissed in pain. Eventually the look of concern on Bill’s face while he checked out Dipper’s injury started to creep Dipper out, so he pulled his sock back on and tried to carefully slide his boot overtop.

“Ow! Motherfuck-“ he muttered as he tried loosening the boot a bit more but it was soon obvious the boot was not going to fit back over his swollen foot. Taking off the boot must have allowed the blood to run to the injury, doubling the size.

“I’ll carry you.” Bill said matter-of-factly and before Dipper could protest he had the kid swung over his shoulder.

“Bill! No, put me down!” Dipper cried, gripping his hiking boot in one hand and trying to kick Bill with his good foot. He felt Bill pat his ass and blood rushed to his face as if it had also been injured.

“It’s alright I’ve got you. Plus you’re in no condition to walk.” His voice had a mock motherly tone to it.

“If you’re going to carry me at least do it like a normal person!”

Bill stopped walking. “How would a normal person carry you?”

“Uh…like a piggy back or something?” To Dipper’s relief, Bill carefully placed Dipper back on the ground.

“What’s a piggy back?” He asked, looking genuinely interested. It took Dipper a bit of maneuvering to explain but he soon found himself hoisted onto Bill’s back as Bill hummed happily and made their way through the woods again.

Bill’s hands were warm on the underside of his thighs and even though the pain in his foot still throbbed, Dipper felt oddly comfortable. He had to remind himself that Bill was likely to drop him just for the hell of it.

The forest was getting dark now and Dipper was surprised Bill could navigate so well, especially with only one eye. Although, he supposed, he’d always had one eye so he was probably used to it. A breeze swept though the rustling leaves and blew a waft of Bill’s hair into Dipper’s face. He smelled like campfires and something sweet that Dipper couldn’t place. Dipper leaned in to Bill’s shoulder to get a better whif but then realized he was _smelling_ Bill and quickly leaned back to put some space between them.

This was ridiculous. Before the summer Dipper had only liked girls and then only from afar. Now he was developing feelings for a triangle demon that didn’t understand the concept of piggy-backing? No. No, no, no. This was not going to happen. Dipper could feel his heart speeding up as he grew more and more conscious of all the places their bodies were touching and he was sure Bill could feel it pounding through his back. He wished he could just rip it out and leave it behind where it wouldn’t do any damage.

_Bill is a demon._ He reminded himself. _He nearly destroyed Gravity Falls!_

_He cares about you._ Oh God. It was that voice again. The one in his head that always sounded suspiciously like Mabel. She called it his voice of reason.

_No he doesn’t! The foot thing is probably an excuse to embarrass me!_ He argued with the Mabel-voice.

_Why would he want to embarrass you if he didn’t like you?_ It argued back.

_Because he’s a psycho!_ Dipper thought forcefully. _There is nothing good about Bill._

_He doesn’t bother you when you stop to think._ That caught Dipper off guard. Most people got annoyed when Dipper had to stop a conversation to think. It was one of the reasons he had such a hard time talking to girls. But every time he’d done that in a conversation with Bill, Bill had just waited patiently for him to sort out his thoughts. _Plus he didn’t get annoyed with all your questions._ The Mabel-voice added.

Dipper narrowed his eyes at the back of Bill’s head. _He’s evil._ He thought.

_It’s exciting to be around him._ Mabel-voice countered.

_He’s got flaming demon hands that could kill me at any moment!_

_He’s hot._

Dipper rolled his eyes. _Mabel!_ He scolded his brain-sister.

“Dipper!”

Wait a second, had he heard that out loud?

“Bill!” The real Mabel-voice called to them as Bill brought Dipper out from the trees. Dipper stared at the campfire in confusion. Bill had only been carrying him for five minutes! “ _Still a ways” my ass!_ Dipper thought. He waited for Bill to let him down now that they were back but his grip stayed tight on Dipper’s legs.

“Why is Bill carrying you?” Mabel asked after she’d run over. She cocked an eyebrow at Dipper after she’d done a quick once-over of Bill.

“I hurt my foot.” Dipper explained, trying to squash any thoughts in her head of future demon brother in laws. She was just as bad as the voice in his head.

“Dipper!” Nate came over too. “The monster didn’t eat you!”

“Monster?” Dipper turned his head to see Wendy behind them, carrying a bundle of wood for the fire. “What monster?...Robbie? I thought you said Dipper was trying to find more fish?”

“Uh….” Even in the low firelight, Dipper could see Robbie’s face blanch. “We were going to call for help if he didn’t come back…”

“Robbie you asshole!” Wendy walked passed Dipper and Bill and dropped her bundle so she could punch Robbie in the arm.

“Ow! The monster was in a cage! I thought he’d just taken a different route back to camp.” Robbie said, crying out as Wendy hit him again.

“Oh we let it out of the cage!” Bill chirped. Everyone turned to stare at him.

“But it was harmless!” Dipper added quickly. “Right Bill?” He gave Bill’s shoulder a hard squeeze.

“Right! Right! Wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Bill complied but the way he said it made both Lee and Nate glance at the woods with worry.

“Something smells good!” Dipper said, trying to change the subject. Besides something did smell like fresh barbecue.

“Thompson caught a huge fish!” Mabel explained brightly. Dipper looked over at Thompson who was bent over a smoking bundle of tinfoil, poking at something. The bundle was almost the size of Thompson himself.

“Which means us guys will be sleeping in comfort!” Robbie piped up. Wendy punched him a third time.

“You think I’ll let you take a tent after that stunt you pulled with Dipper?” She growled.

“Why don’t we all sleep outside? It’s pretty warm out anyways.” Dipper suggested. He’d been sitting on that idea ever since Bill had opted to switch to the girl’s team. Not because he wanted to sleep next to Bill or anything. Seriously where had that idea even come from? No, it was so that Mabel and Wendy wouldn’t be sharing a tent with him…’cause he was psycho. Dipper squirmed a little against Bill’s back, hoping to convey his need to be let down.

“That actually sounds pretty sweet.” Nate said.

“Sleeping under the stars!” Mabel squealed. Robbie crossed his arms and pouted and looked like he was about to say something.

“Sounds good to me.” Tambry commented with a shrug. Robbie’s expression immediately did a 180.

“Yeah. Yeah, good idea Dipper!” He said, giving Dipper a thumbs up as he tried to put an arm around Tambry’s shoulders. She promptly elbowed him in the stomach.

“Um…you can put me down now.” Dipper told Bill when he didn’t get the hint.

“Yes dear.” Bill cooed, his hands slid dangerously close to Dipper’s ass as he bent his knees to let Dipper down. Dipper blushed and hoped no one else was paying close attention. Luckily they all seemed focused on the smell of Thompson’s fish.

The fish was wonderful. Dipper hadn’t realized how hungry he was but once he got a mouthful of the smokey meat he ate like he hadn’t had a meal in days. Wendy also had the forethought to buy hotdogs for those who didn’t like fish. Mabel of course took one to create a hotdog s’more which actually didn’t taste too bad once you got passed all the charred bits. The rest of the marshmallows were used in as ammunition in a marshmallow war.

Everyone started to drop off a little after midnight until only Dipper and Bill were still awake. The campfire had died to only embers. Dipper yawned loudly and then tried to lift the bucket of sand to put out the rest of the fire. He soon realized that was not going to happen while he was stuck to one foot.

“I’ll watch the fire.” Bill said quietly when he noticed what Dipper was doing. “You can go to sleep.”

The Mabel-voice in Dipper’s head did a squeal about how thoughtful Bill was but Dipper remained suspicious.

“You’re not going to burn down the forest are you?” He asked with another yawn. Bill grinned and a scattering of blue sparks played across his palms.

“Go to sleep pine tree.” Bill said. Dipper shook his head at himself. He made it way too easy for Bill to annoy him. He was too tired to be paranoid and he didn’t want to fight about putting out the fire if Bill was only going to relight it once he’d gone to sleep. So instead of arguing Dipper pulled out his sleeping bag and curled up in it, being careful with his foot.

He watched the stars for a few seconds, spotting the big dipper in the sky before turning onto his side to watch Bill poke at the embers of their fire with a stick. He went to sleep with the image of Bill’s eyes glowing yellow in his mind and he wasn’t sure if it was a reflection of the dying fire or something else that had made them glow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bill and Dipper sitting in a tree.  
> K-I-S-S-I-N-  
> Oh no wait, they're just talking. What the hell?  
> Heheh yeah. Dipper seems to need a bit more than just sexy times to get worked up about a guy. (Or at least more worked up.) So that's pretty much the explanation for this chapter.   
> Holy Toledos this thing is long. Sheesh. Don't hurt yourself reading it!
> 
> And as always, thanks for reading!


	8. On the Offensive

Dipper had no idea how this had happened during the night without him waking up.

Bill had apparently decided to set up his sleeping bag right next to Dipper’s and now had his arms wrapped around Dipper’s head, clutching him tightly to his chest. His grip was like that of a mother cat on a kitten’s scruff and every time Dipper tried to wriggle out of his arms Bill seemed to hold him tighter.

“Bill!” Dipper whispered for the third time, trying not to wake anyone else up. Bill didn’t respond. Presumably he was asleep but Dipper wouldn’t put it passed him if he was awake and doing this on purpose. Dipper wriggled around some more and nearly screamed when he managed to turn his head around.

Mabel was lying on her sleeping bag a short distance away staring at him with her head in her hands.

“You two are adorable.” She said in a half-whisper. Dipper’s ears grew hot.

“Mabel! Get me out of here!” Dipper pleaded, still whispering. Mabel giggled and then reached into her bag to pull out a stuffed rhinocerous. She crept over to Bill and Dipper and shoved the animal between Dipper’s head and Bill’s arms. It created just enough space that Dipper could slip out, leaving Bill to clutch the rhinocerous tightly.

Dipper sighed in relief. “Thanks.”

Mabel responded with a stretch and a wink.

The twins took turns combing the dew from their hair with Mabel’s brush. A thick carpet of light gray clouds was rolling in from the west and Dipper was glad he’d packed one of Mabel’s sweaters. Slowly, everyone started to wake up. Bill was one of the last ones up and Dipper saw him looking at Mabel’s rhinocerous with confusion. He caught Dipper staring and cocked an eyebrow at him, tossing the stuffed animal in Dipper’s direction. Dipper fumbled it and felt himself burn with blush as Bill chuckled lightly.

“How’s the foot doing?” Wendy asked. She pulled on her own Mabel-sweater. Her’s had wolf howling at the moon on it.

“Better, it seems less swollen.” Dipper replied. He’d been able to fit his hiking boot back on this morning but still winced when he put pressure on it. “Looks like its going to rain.” They both stared up at the quickly graying sky.

“The weather forecast said it would be sunny!” Thompson complained from where he was rolling up his sleeping bag.

“Maybe we should pack up and call it a day?” Wendy suggested, a little sadly.

“We could go to Greasy’s for breakfast!” Mabel proposed and there was collective murmur of agreement from around the camp.

They managed to get the tents and everything packed into Thompson’s van and Dipper’s car just as it started to spit and by the time they made it to Greasy’s it was a full on downpour out there.

Dipper kept sneaking glances at Bill throughout breakfast. He was trying to logically reason with his heart which did a tiny jump into his throat every time Bill smiled. It was even worse when Wendy squeezed into the booth to sit beside Bill. Every time she brushed up against him or nudged him playfully Dipper tasted something sour in the back of his throat.

Halfway through the meal Bill caught Dipper staring at him and Dipper quickly avoided eye contact. When he looked back, Bill was whispering something into Wendy’s ear. She giggled and Bill gave Dipper another sidelong glance. Dipper gritted his teeth against the onslaught of conflicted feelings and focused on cutting the rest of his french toast into shreds.

“So, what happened with that monster yesterday?” Lee asked Dipper, leaning over from the booth behind Wendy and Bill.

“Oh, uh…” Dipper racked his brain for a convincing story while the rest of the group looked at him.

“We let it out. Then it chased us all the way to the edge of a cliff!” Bill jumped in enthusiastically. Wendy gave them both a concerned look.

“I thought you said it ended up being harmless?” She asked. Bill looked across the table expectantly, obviously relinquishing the hard questions to Dipper.

“Uh, right. It just didn’t look harmless at the time?” Dipper answered while he shot a quick glare at Bill.

“Yeah, that thing had claws bigger than my head!” Nate added helpfully. Wendy eyes widened with even more concern.

“How did you guys escape?” Lee asked.

“Well…” Dipper started before Bill jumped in again.

“We climbed a tree!” He explained. “But the monster wouldn’t go away! I thought we were goners but then Dipper came up with this really genius plan. What was it again?” Bill smiled charmingly at Dipper, the son of a bitch.

“Uh…yeah…..I decided to….distract it?” Dipper took a long sip of water to buy himself some thinking time. “I threw my belt as far as I could and the monster ran after the noise.” Dipper mentally congratulated himself on being able to use part of what had actually happened.

“But then it came back!” Bill said with his shit-eating grin. Dipper tried to kick Bill under the table but his bad toe connected with the leg of their table instead, making him wince as the pain shot all the way up to his knee. Dipper coughed to cover up his pain.

“Right…it came back….with my belt in its mouth….and it looked like it wanted to play fetch? Um, so I threw the belt again….” Dipper was seriously going to kill Bill. “And…and it came back again. So it really just wanted to play, you know?”

“Yeah it was just like a dog! It even jumped on top of Dipper. That’s how he hurt his foot.” Bill helpfully added.

“And…dogs will get bored if you are non-threatening. So we lay on the ground and ignored the monster. Eventually it got bored and left. And then we came back to camp.” Dipper ended the story, making sure Bill couldn’t add any other crazy details.

Robbie laughed from the other booth. “If it were me I would have fought the thing!”

“Oh you mean like how you fought it while you were running away with Lee and Nate?” Tambry asked. Robbie blushed and shut his mouth.

“Well I’m glad you’re okay.” Wendy said, giving Bill a pat on the arm. And the sour taste was back in Dipper’s mouth. Seriously, there was no way he was jealous. Bill had just spent the last few minutes pretty much bull-shitting a story so he could see Dipper squirm. Dipper was probably just really concerned for Wendy’s well-being. That was the only explanation for these bizarre reactions he was having.

Wendy laughed again at something Bill had just said while Dipper was off in thought. He scowled at the two of them and then caught sight of Mabel giving him a pitying look. Either she was finally starting to realize that Bill was a jerk or she thought Dipper was losing some kind of flirting war with Wendy over Bill. Dipper guessed it was the latter because she immediately employed one of her sure-fire distraction techniques.

“Alright!” She said loudly. “Who wants to see me fit my whole fist in my mouth?”

The group, including Wendy, hooted and cheered Mabel on while Dipper gave their waitress an apologetic look and asked for the bills. Most of the meal on Dipper’s plate had gone untouched.

A half hour later everyone parted ways and Dipper felt a lump forming in his throat as he watched Bill offer to carry both his and Wendy’s bags on their way home. He was emotionally exhausted and on their ride back to the shack be barely spoke to Mabel at all. Instead Dipper’s mind kept rolling back and forth over thoughts of Bill and his stupid grin.

He never thought he’d be happy to have Grunkle Stan order him to clean the kitchen when he and Mabel returned but he needed something mind-numbing to keep his brain occupied. He even protested when Stan was willing to let Dipper off the hook due to his injured toe.

It only took a couple of days for Dipper’s toe to fully heal. Wendy and Bill had popped by the shack a few times while it was on the mends and every time they did Dipper found himself strained to keep his face pleasant.  Gradually Dipper had come to realize a few things.

One was that Bill was very handsy. And flirty. If Dipper wasn’t paying attention he would soon find a hand around his waist or a dirty joke in his ear. Dipper had a hard time turning his back on Bill when he was around and no that was not a euphemism.

The second was that Dipper got excited every time Bill came around. Luckily he’d managed to come up with a good explanation for why he felt so giddy and restless around Bill. Obviously it was because Bill was still a mystery. And there was nothing Dipper loved more than an unsolved mystery. It was the same way he’d felt about all the other secrets of Gravity Falls. The only reason he was getting confused with his emotions was because Bill was so…flirty. (See realization number one.) And he had just found out via Dale that he had an interest in guys so it was only natural for him to question the relationship he had with Bill in that regard. Also, even though Dipper did not want to admit it, Mabel had been right.  With his teenage hormones still running through his veins, it was difficult to ignore Bill’s attention.

With those emotions neatly squared away, Dipper was free to continue to try breaking up Wendy and Bill’s deepening “friendship” with his mind.

“Do you hate Wendy now?” Mabel asked one of the days Bill and Wendy had come by for a visit. The twins were watching as Bill hopped on the handlebars of Wendy’s bike for the ride home.

“What? No, why would you think that?” Dipper had been honestly surprised by the question.

“’Cause you keep glaring at her when she isn’t looking.” Mabel pressed a finger to the wrinkles between Dipper’s eyebrows. He swatted her away.

“I’m not glaring at her! I’m just worried about how…close she’s getting to Bill.” He explained.

“Because you looooove him.” Mabel crooned. Dipper rolled his eyes.

“No, because he’s evil and could hurt Wendy!” He argued.

“And you loooooove him.” Mabel danced out of Dipper’s reach as he tried to hit her. She’d giggled the whole way out of the room.

He did get some validation on his feelings about the whole Wendy-Bill situation the next day when Dale came in to work. Melody was officially starting her maternity leave with the baby due in only a few weeks. Unlike Mabel, Dale agreed that something had to be done about Wendy and Bill.

“She’s acting a bit stupid. Like all giggly and clumsier than usual. Even Dad’s starting to notice.” Dale complained. “I think he’s planning to have a _conversation_ with Bill soon.” Dipper nodded. If anyone could help protect Wendy from Bill it was Manly Dan.

Dale’s phone bleeped at him and looking around to make sure there were no customers at the moment he decided to check the text. Dale’s face lit up as he read and he chuckled a little under his breathe while he typed in a response.

“Who’re you texting?” Dipper asked out of curiosity. Dale gave him a sheepish look as played with a lock of his hair.

“Uh…it’s….well, I met someone.” He looked down at the ground while he said it.

“That’s great!” Dipper tried to put lots of feeling into his words but it felt kind of mechanical anyways. He was really happy for Dale, really. And he was glad they were back on normal terms again. Dipper just hadn’t realized he’d be such an easy person to get over.

“Yeah?” Dale grinned at him. “We met when me, Wendy, and Bill went to Baker. We’ve kind of been chatting online and stuff ever since. I just invited him to come down to Gravity Falls but he’d have to stay in a hotel since our house is a little crowded at the moment. He’s thinking about it.”

“Well you’ll have to introduce me to your new boyfriend. So I can make sure he’s good enough.” Dipper tried to tease. The skin under Dale’s freckles flushed.

“We’re not really at the…boyfriend stage yet. I mean, we only kissed the once…” Dale put a hand over his mouth. “Ah! That was probably too much information! Sorry, I just don’t really have anyone I can talk to about with this kind of stuff.”

“That’s okay! Just try to tone it down about how much better he is than me.” Dale grinned at him again. Dipper smiled back, glad Dale hadn’t picked up on his slight uneasiness.

“So, about Wendy and Bill…” Dale slid smoothly into a change of subject. “I was thinking that we’ve really only been on the defensive, you know, waiting for Bill to make a move. But I think maybe we should go on the offensive. Take him down before he even has the chance to start anything.”

“I don’t know.” Dipper was apprehensive. “We don’t want to make Bill angry and tempt him into doing something violent.” Dipper’s own phone vibrated in his pocket and Dipper quickly checked the text. He grimaced. “Ugh, and now I have to go to brunch with Mabel, Wendy and him next week.”

“Wouldn’t that be the perfect time to try something? Not something big but like test where Bill’s limits and weaknesses are.” Dale suggested.

“I’m not even sure he has weaknesses.” Dipper grumbled. That wasn’t entirely true, since Mabel and Dipper had banished Bill from Gravity Falls before. But there had been a lot of luck involved in that. A thought suddenly occurred to Dipper and he looked at Dale.

“You aren’t going to try anything on Bill by yourself, right?” He asked carefully. Dale rolled his eyes.

“No, mom, I won’t try to fight the dangerous hell demon without your permission.”

“Good.” Dipper made a mental note to keep an eye on Dale too. If he was anything like his sister he could see Dale taking matters into his own hands.

Both Dipper and Dale turned when they heard the bell over the gift shop door ringing. Lucky for them it wasn’t a customer, only Soos.

“Hey dudes! How’s it hanging?” He gave them both fist bumps.

“Hey Soos! Aren’t you supposed to be at home with Melody?” Dipper asked.

“Oh I’m home starting tomorrow. I just gotta finish up fixing a bunch of stuff for Mr. Pines before I leave.” Soos replied.

“You know this place is going to fall apart without you, right?” Dipper said. Dale nodded in agreement.

“Heheh yeah. But I’ll still be close by! You just can’t call me during the prenatal classes me and Melody signed up for. Melody gets mad when I don’t pay attention.” Soos grinned at them. “You really learn a lot from that class. Did you know babies drink their own pee inside the womb?” Both boys made a face.

“Well I could have gone my whole life without learning that.” Dale complained.

“The crazy thing is we were all once babies so that means we’ve all drank our own pee!” Soos added. Dale groaned and Dipper laughed.

“Oh! And did you know that the uterus during birth-“

“Oh my God! Soos stop!” Dale cried, stuffing his fingers in his ears. Dipper laughed louder when Soos tried to yell out more gross pregnancy facts so Dale could hear them. Eventually Gruncle Stan came in to investigate all the noise and yell at them to get back to work.

 

…

 

Dipper’s feet were killing him. Mabel had bewitched him into coming with her, Candy and Grenda to the mall. Dipper wasn’t sure how she’d done it. One minute he was watching tv, then Mabel comes in and mentions something about Lyndi Cauper’s new CD going on sale and next thing he knows he’s carrying six shopping bags while Mabel and her friends skipped from store to store.

“Wow Candy! That teal dress was so pretty on you! You always make the best finds!” Mabel gushed at Candy.

“Yes. And the slit on the side makes it easy to run in.” Candy’s furrowed her eyebrows dramatically. “In case I need to run into battle.” The other two girls giggled and Dipper did not even want to know what they were talking about.

“Hey Mabel.” Grenda stopped the group and pointed across the hall. “Isn’t that Pacifica?” They all followed where Grenda was pointing towards a girl with a long platinum blonde braid outside of _Never Age_.

“Hey you’re right!” Mabel said, then shouted: “Hey Pacifica!”

The blonde glanced towards the noise and her haughty expression turned warm when she saw who it was. She ran over, not even slowed down by the 7" purple heels she was wearing.

“Mabel!” She smiled as Mabel wrapped her up in a big hug.

“I thought you were still at boarding school?” Mabel said after she’d released her friend.

“Oh my last semester already ended in the spring.” Pacifica replied coolly. “I’ve just been visiting relatives, attending important events, getting up to date on the family business. You know how it is.”

“Nope!” Mabel grinned at her.

“So what are you up to these days?” Pacifica asked.

“We’re shopping!” Grenda replied enthusiastically. Pacifica gave a light hearted chuckle as she glanced at Dipper’s arm full.

“I can see that.” Then she sighed. “Well I wish I could stay and chat, but I’ve got some errands to run.” Everyone waved their goodbyes and she gave Mable another hug before taking off.

“She is a lot nicer than she used to be.” Candy commented after Pacifica was out of sight.

“I always knew she had it in her. She just had some…issues she had to take care of before her good side could come out!” Mabel said. That was a bit of an understatement. Dipper was sure that befriending Mabel had a lot to do with Pacifica’s kinder approach to the world.

“Ok! Should we head back to the shack?” Dipper asked, trying to push the trip along.

“Not quite yet!” Mabel said, to Dipper’s dismay. “I want to get some ingredients for a new recipe.” Dipper saw Candy and Grenda exchange an uneasy glance. As Mabel’s best friends they had been subjected to almost as much of Mabel’s cooking as Dipper had.

The farmer’s market would set up during the summer across from Circle Park. As the group of four made their way from Dipper’s car to the stands, Dipper hung back to stretch his legs. He sauntered closer to the park and saw a small crowd formed around the half-pipe that had been built two years back. You know, for the kids.

As they got closer Dipper could hear them chanting. He followed where they were looking and saw someone standing on top of the clock tower with a skateboard in hand. Looked like some idiot was going to jump off the clock tower.

Dipper thought he saw the familiar flash of Cheshire cat grin but brushed the thought aside. Sure Bill was stupid but there was no way he was _that_ stupi-

“Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!” The crowd chanted. Okay, apparently he was that stupid. Bill stood on the top of the clock tower surveying the crowd below him with a grin on his face. He’d stolen someone’s hat and had turned the brim backwards. A T-shirt with a huge bow-tie print fluttered in the wind across his chest and were those leggings? Yup neon skeleton leggings hugged the lower half of his body.

Dipper stared agape as Bill held up a hand to shoosh the crowd. Everyone held their breath collectively in anticipation. Bill stepped to the edge of the tower and held out his hands like he was some kind of prophet waiting for the divine word of God. Slowly, he leaned forward until he was falling in a swan dive. At the last second before he hit the half-pipe he did a mid-air spin tucking the skateboard under his feet. The wood rattled when the wheels hit the ramp. Bill swung back and forth doing a couple of flips before slowing down enough to step off his board into a half-assed bow.

The crowd erupted into chaos, chanting Bill’s name again. Bill tossed his hat into the mob for people to fight over and Dipper was able to make his way closer to the blonde demon.

“Bi-“ He started but some woman with a stroller pushed Dipper out of the way.

“Bill! Bill! Will you sign my baby?” She squealed. Were you fucking serious?

When she was out of the way Dipper saw Wendy run to give Bill a hug.

“That was wicked!” She cried as he put an arm around her. A pair of older ladies by Dipper started tittering.

“What a charming young man! And what a lovely girlfriend! My grand-daughter will be quite disappointed.” One of them was saying.

“Oh _come on_.” Dipper muttered, pushing his way around them.

“Dipper!” Wendy waved when she caught sight of him. “Did you see that? Wasn’t that awesome?”

“Yeah, I mean, if you like dangerous stunts that cause thousands of broken bones.” He muttered in response. Bill turned and swung his free arm around Dipper’s neck, nearly knocking him off balance. He leaned close to Dipper, giving the youth a good look at the tiny skull in the center of his glass eye.

“I don’t see any broken bones.” Bill said, raising his eyebrows in Dipper’s direction. “Do you?” Dipper could feel the redness prickling his cheeks again. He wasn’t sure what broken bones could possibly be an innuendo for but with the way Bill had said it, _something_ was certainly being implied.

Bill led the three of them out of the crowd as it began to simmer down. “Excuse me, ladies.” He said once they were free. “I’ve got to go drain a dragon.” He winked as he released the two of them and Wendy swatted him in the arm.

“Bill!” She scolded with a giggle. Bill laughed as he made his way to the small fast food joint past the farmer market’s tents. Dipper gritted his teeth.

“I’ve got to…go to the bathroom too.” He told Wendy before ducking after Bill.

When Dipper entered the rest room Bill had his back turned to him and Dipper could hear the sound of a urinal being used. There was a brief moment of awkwardness as Dipper tried to decide whether he should wait until Bill was done or not.

“If you want to come over and have a look you can just ask.” Bill broke the silence without even turning around. Dipper stayed still and glared at the back of his head.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He growled.

“Taking a piss?’ Bill answered, this time shooting an amused look over his shoulder at Dipper.

“You know what I mean, Bill!” Dipper snapped. “I thought I told you to stay away from Wendy.”

Dipper heard Bill finish and zip himself up before he turned around and brushed passed Dipper towards the sink.

“Envious?” He asked, smirking at Dipper in the mirror while he ran the faucet.

“Hardly.” Dipper scoffed. “Why would I be jealous of Wendy?”

Bill’s grin split his face in half. The water stopped running and he turned to Dipper.

“I was going to suggest you were envious of me. But that works too.”

Dipper blushed when he realized what he’d just said but he tried to swallow it down. He wasn’t going to let Bill get the upper hand here.

“That’s enough Bill! I’m not just going to sit back anymore. This screwing around with Wendy thing stops right now!”

Bill dabbed his hands with paper towel and tossed the ball into the waste basket before turning back to Dipper. He took a few steps closer, closer than Dipper would have liked but Dipper’d be damned if he was going to back away now. He met Bill’s eyes with a glare of his own.

“And what are you going to do about it? You made a deal remember?” Bill reminded him.

“I’ve been reading up on demons remember? I know all about your weaknesses.” It was a bluff, and Dipper had a feeling Bill knew. But that didn’t mean Dipper didn’t have a few things he could try.

Bill laughed. He leaned in close to Dipper, his eyes flicking lazily down to Dipper’s chest and back up to his face. Dipper tried to suppress the shivers the look gave him.

“I look forward to it, pine tree.” Bill said before backing away. Dipper didn’t move even when he heard the washroom door close behind Bill.

One thing was for certain, Dale had been right.

 It was time to go on the offensive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I happen to think skateboarding and meggings are cool ok? Don't judge me. 
> 
> Here is some cool eight-ball-eye Bill if you are inclined towards viewing fanart: http://raenngu.tumblr.com/post/119663967376/oh-nooooo-i-dont-even-watch-this-show-but-im
> 
> '3' As always, thanks for reading!


	9. Deals With the Devil

Dipper started with a few common house protection tactics to ward off evil spirits. Dale helped him hang a mirror over the Corduroy’s doorway and sprinkle salt over the thresholds. They hung up windchimes and a few dream catchers (since Bill was a dream demon after all). They even put up some cloves of garlic for good measure.

If it did have any affect on Bill though, he wasn’t showing it. While the two had been putting out the garlic he’d sauntered into the kitchen, grabbed one of the cloves and maintained eye contact with Dipper as he took a huge bite out of the garlic, skin and all. The blonde demon had walked away laughing and Dipper had crossed ‘aversion to garlic’ off of an ongoing list of Bill’s potential weaknesses.

Next Dipper snuck out to Wendy’s house in the middle of the night and lit a circle of candles outside of Bill’s window. He sat in the center and recited the spell he’d found on the internet: “Jam tibi impero et præcipio maligne spiritus! ut confestim  allata et circulo discedas, absque omni strepito, terrore, clamore et foetore, asque sine omni damno mei tam animæ quam corporis, absque omni læsione cujuscunque creaturæ vel rei; et ad locum a justissimo  tibi deputatum in momento et ictu oculi abeas; et hinc proripias.” Then he extinguished the candles one by one with his fingers.

Bill appeared at the window, a yawn breaking up his grin. “Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?” he said leaning over Dipper.

Dipper froze, ready for the spell to light him on fire or something but nothing happened.

“What did you say?” he asked when it was obvious neither his nor Bill’s spells were going to do anything. Bill motioned for Dipper to come closer and reluctantly Dipper leaned in to hear Bill’s whisper.

“It means…..YOU’LL HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT!” Bill screamed the end as loud as he could, causing echoes to bounce off the trees around them. Dipper jumped back, messaging the inside of his ear and hoping Bill didn’t do permanent damage to his eardrums.

Then, Dipper saw the lights in the other windows of Wendy’s house start to flick on and heard the muffled noises of alarm from Wendy’s dad. Dipper glared at the grinning Bill. He made a rude hand gesture at Bill and scrambled to collect his stuff before running away. From a safer distance he could hear Manly Dan shouting about trespassers over Bill’s high-pitched laugh.

Dipper even resorted to trying to get the guys at Skull Fracture to threaten Bill into leaving Gravity Falls. He started a rumor with the bouncer about a blonde haired kid who loved to make prank calls and later invited Bill to meet him inside the bar. If all went according to plan the bouncer’s hatred for prank callers and Bill’s smart mouth would land Bill on a one way bus back to…wherever he was from. A couple of hours passed the meeting time Dipper poked his head into the bar to see Bill surrounded by burly men, teaching them how to do card tricks. Manly Dan even clapped Bill on the back and laughed loudly along with the others at something Bill had said.

Now Dipper was sitting in the gift shop, leafing through his grimoire. It had some spells that looked promising but they all seemed to require weird ingredients or live sacrifices and Dipper wasn’t sure he wanted to resort to that. At least not yet.

He groaned and rested his head on the musty pages. Dale, in the mean time, was pacing the gift shop nervously. His new beau was supposed to be coming today and he hadn’t been able to sit still all morning.

The red head suddenly gasped when he saw a white car pull up to the shack. Dipper almost laughed when Dale spun around in a circle, looking for something to occupy himself with and failing.

The little bell over the door rang and Dipper had to pick his jaw up off the floor. The man who walked in looked like a male model. He had chiselled…everything, dark hair that looked permanently wind swept and a healthy dark tan that glowed on his skin. The loose white shirt did nothing to hide his physique and Dipper was fairly sure that if the man turned around the dark jeans would do even less.

“Dale!” He said, sweeping the shorter boy up in a hug. Dipper noticed an accent but he couldn’t place where it was from.

“Hey Michael!” Dale said, a goofy grin plastered on his face. “This is my friend Dipper. Dipper, this is Michael.”

“Hi.” Dipper managed to squeak out as Michael gripped his hand.

“Well met, Dipper.” Michael said. His blue eyes were the colour of deep oceans…no, of the sky just after dusk…no, of a blue poison dart frog’s skin….okay whatever, they were just really blue and Dipper had a hard time looking away.

“Hey Dip! I found that gemstone you were talking abou-AH!” Mabel made her entrance at the perfect time and like Dipper her mouth dropped open at the sight.

“Well _hello!_ ” She purred, combing her hair back with her fingers as she sauntered over.

“Mabel, this is my friend Michael.” Dale introduced her. Mabel fluttered her eyelashes and shook Michael’s hand.

“Are you two siblings?” The handsome man asked, picking up quickly on their similarities.

“Yes! Dipper’s my dorky twin brother.” Mabel leaned on Dipper’s shoulder heavily.

“Mabel, you’re drooling.” Dipper said and smiled at the dark look she shot him.

“So, this is where you work?” Michael asked Dale, taking a look around. He toyed with one of the bobbleheads on display.

“Yup! The Mystery Shack is owned by Mabel and Dipper’s great uncle!” Dale explained.

“How quaint.” Michael said it with his back turned to them and Dipper could have sworn he heard a hint of distaste in the comment.

“You should go on our grunkle’s tour!” Mabel suggested brightly, obviously not hearing the same thing in Michael’s voice as Dipper had.

“Maybe some other time.” Michael dazzled Mabel with his smile but Dipper thought it was looking a little too toothy. Like a crocodile. “Dale, perhaps you could show me where the hotel is and then around town?” Dale’s face fell.

“Actually I’m scheduled to work until six.”

Michael’s face stretched into a subtle model’s pout. Mabel looked from Michael to Dale and finally clued in.

“Don’t worry about it Dale! Me and Dipper will cover for you.” Mabel chirped.

“What? But I have to…” Dipper began and then caught a look at Dale’s eyes. His puppy dog face was worse than Mabel’s. “Yeah okay, paint the town or whatever.”

“Thanks Mabel! Thanks Dipper!” Dale looked like he was about to go over to Dipper for a hug but then decided against it.

“It was nice meeting you.” Michael said as Dale grabbed his coat. The look he gave Dipper before Dale dragged him out the door made Dipper feel like he was a specimen in a lab. He wondered if Dale had told Michael about their past relationship. That would certainly explain some of the hositility Dipper felt coming off him.

Mabel squealed when the white car pealed away. “Oh my GOD! Did you see him? What a hunk. Dale’s made quite a catch don’t you think?”

“Yeah…” Dipper said, thinking.

“Uh oh. You’re doing that frowny thing again. What’s up?”

Dipper tried to make his face stop scrunching up. “There’s something about that guy that reminds me of…something. I dunno. I just got a bad vibe from him.” Mabel made a face.

“Dipper! You don’t get to have every boy in town! If you keep this jealousy thing up, Wendy and Dale might never speak to you again!” She scolded.

“What? No! I’m not jealous! Especially not of Wendy…” He flinched, realizing he’d made the same mistake as he had with Bill. “Look, I’m just trying to keep the two of them safe okay? I mean Bill is lying to Wendy and we still don’t know why!”

“And that’s the only reason I’ve agreed to help you.” Mabel replied. “What’s the gemstone for anyways?” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a tiny red stone with white rings in it. It had once been part of a set of earrings but the backing had popped off and Mabel kept the stone because she liked it.

“It’s eye agate. It’s supposed to ward off an evil eye.” Dipper explained. Mabel raised her eyebrows.

“And it will work against Bill because he’s…an evil eye? Dipper, I’m gonna be honest with you. That just sounds really lame.” Mabel looked at her brother doubtfully.

“These things always sound lame, Mabel.” Dipper argued. “Plus, I’m going to make sure it works this time because I’m going to feed it to him.”

“Dipper! You can’t just poison Bill!” Mabel protested.

“Mabel, he’s evil.” Dipper could not believe how many times he had to spell this out to her. “I have a back-up plan though if that doesn’t work.”

“What is it?” Mabel asked, obviously already preferring the back-up plan.

“Demon trap.” Dipper held up a looped piece of string that had been sitting in the pages of the grimoire. It was one of the only things out of the book he had been willing to try. All it required was for someone to tie three knots in the loop while thinking of the demon they were trying to trap. Supposedly the thoughts would act as a siren’s call to the demon once it was around their head and the demon would be unable to move from the reverberation of the spell.

“It looks like a necklace.” Mabel took the loop and slipped it over her own head.

“The only problem with it is that in order to activate it you have to burn it. I’m thinking if we make Bill mad enough and then throw it over his head, his own flames will ignite it.” Dipper knew it was a bit of a longshot but he also knew they would never be able to keep the loop on Bill long enough to light it themselves.

“How are you going to make him mad?” Mabel asked as she played with the trap.

“I was hoping you’d have a bit of advice in that area.” Dipper admitted. Mabel grinned wickedly.

“Oh I’m sure I can think of few things.” Mabel rubbed her hands for extra effect and Dipper snorted. “So when are we going to do this?”

“Brunch, tomorrow. Remember?” Dipper said.

“Ok, but you can’t start until they’ve tried my new recipe! I want to know what Bill thinks of it. ” Mabel said excitedly.

“I thought you said you didn’t want to poison him?” Dipper teased. Mabel hit him across the shoulder.

“Oh yeah smart guy? Just for that I’m leaving you on gift shop duty.” As soon as she said it Dipper dove for his sister but she dodged and did a dramatic somersault around the desk, sprinting for the door. She was too fast for Dipper and he had to watch helplessly while she escaped into the freedom of the outdoors.

 

…

 

They had opted for a late breakfast/brunch. The Mystery Shack wasn’t open on Sundays so they figured Gruncle Stan would be sleeping until noon, as per usual. Dipper prepared most of the food but Mabel still insisted on making her…something, so he let her have the kitchen to make whatever ungodly concoction she had planned and set up the picnic table outside.

“Nice spread!” Wendy called as her and Bill crossed the yard.

Dipper made them sit down before he began bringing out the food. Bill thanked him politely (suspiciously politely) when he received his plate. Today his false eye was completely white with no pupil. His good eye was focused on the napkin he was playing with, folding into a series of triangular shapes. His blonde hair had a slight case of bed head and he yawned loudly without covering his mouth. Bill looked for all the world like just another regular guy.

Dipper looked him over as he sat down himself. The light-brown, almost gold, pupil of Bill’s good eye flicked to Dipper and his lips pulled back into a wide grin. “See something you like, pine tree?” He asked Dipper smoothly. Dipper’s ears flushed with heat as he looked away.

“No.” He muttered. Thankfully Mabel come out of the shack at that moment, distracting everyone with the last addition to the meal.

“Tada!” Mabel yelled as she unveiled a grey-ish coloured mush in a pan when she sat down to join them.

“What is it?” Dipper asked, poking the portion she’d heaped onto his plate with his fork.

“French toast! With some extra deliciousness!” Mabel answered.

“Where’s the toast part?” Wendy whispered to Dipper, making him snicker. Somehow Bill managed to make Mabel’s breakfast even less appetizing by reaching for the ketchup and glopping it over the gray mush. Dipper wondered idly if Bill even had functioning taste buds. If not then getting him to eat the ground up agate gem in his pancake would be easier than Dipper had thought.

But of course, nothing was ever easy when it came to Bill. Bill managed to have three helpings of Mabel’s “french toast” but didn’t even touch Dipper’s pancake, claiming he was too full when Dipper questioned.

Dipper cleared his throat noisily to get Mabel’s attention. He had to repeat the noise twice before Mabel turned to him, lips covered in syrup. Dipper pointedly looked at Bill and then back at Mabel. It was time for plan B.

“Mm!” She hummed, licking the sugar from her face. She put the piece of pancake she was devouring back down on her plate and wiped her mouth with a napkin. “So Bill, you never told me where you were from.”

Bill’s eye flicked between the twins before he answered. “Casper. It’s in Wyoming.”

“Casper eh? Like the ghost? You know me and Dipper are kind of known as paranormal investigators in these parts.” Dipper commended his sister on the conversation segue.

“Yes, Dipper mentioned.” Bill said before taking a sip of orange juice.

“In fact Dipper was just out on a monster hunt recently for a Unicorn.” Mabel continued.

“Leprecorn.” Dipper said, unable to help himself from correcting her.

“Oh is that what Dale was helping you with the other day?” Wendy asked aside to Dipper. Dipper winced slightly at the memory. He was still feeling a little guilty over how he’d been acting. But he nodded at Wendy in response to her question.

“Right, Leprecorn.” Mabel ammended with a slightly annoyed huff. “Anyways Dipper barely came home all in one piece that day. Bro, would you say the Leprecorn is the _strongest_ thing we’ve ever fought?”

“Oh deffinately. Unicorn hybrids are probably one of the _smartest_ paranormal beings. Followed by aliens, then ghosts, vampires, gnomes and finally zombies.” Dipper answered, following Mabel’s lead.

 “What about demons, bro?”

“Oh those don’t even make the list. Demons are by far the _dumbest_ of all the paranormal creatures.” Dipper glanced across the table at Bill as he spoke. Bill’s eyes narrowed in an ‘I know what you’re doing and it’s not going to work’ kind of way. Dipper slipped a hand into the pocket of his jeans to take out the demon trap and held it under the table.

“Wait. Are you saying you took Dale on a really dangerous mission?” Wendy interrupted. Her eyebrows were furrowed and Dipper could see the anger flashing in her eyes.

“Uh…no, no. Dale was completely safe.” Dipper said hastily.

“But you just said-“

“Wendy you know Dipper would never let anything bad happen to your brother.” Mabel came to the rescue. Wendy frowned but seemed to accept the answer. It had happened a while ago anyways. Dipper sighed internally in relief and turned his attention back to Bill, whose expression had suddenly turned to a dark glare. Dipper swallowed. That didn’t look good.

“Anyways…like we were saying,” Mabel forced the conversation back on course. “Demons are complete idiots. If a demon got a parking fine he’d think someone was complimenting him on his driving.”

Bill’s face relaxed and he chuckled. “That’s a lame joke, shooting star.” Now it was Mabel’s turn to glare. Oh no. Dipper tried to elbow his sister to remind her to stay on track but she ignored him.

“Demon’s are so dumb that they could get locked out of a convertible with the top down.” Mabel challenged. Bill yawned.

“You’ll have to do better than that.”

“3 demons walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it coming.”

Bill rolled his eyes.

“Okay, whats going on?” Wendy asked looking back and forth between Mabel and Bill. “I’m missing something here.”

Mabel scrunched up her face in thought. “Okay….what’s the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? You can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.”

Bill burst into laughter. Wendy and Dipper’s mouths dropped as they stared at Mabel.

“Mabel!” Wendy scolded in horror once she found her voice.

“A good joke is about knowing your audience.” Mabel explained, a satisfied look on her face. Dipper rubbed his eyes with his palms, demon trap still in one of his fists. This morning was not going at all as planned.

“And you! Stop laughing!” Wendy tried to elbow Bill but he was doubled over trying to breathe between the howls coming out of his mouth.

“Seriously though…what the heck was that all about?” Wendy asked, giving up on her hysterical friend. She looked at Dipper and he looked at his knuckles guiltily. Strictly speaking, Dipper wasn’t exactly sure what would happen if he broke his deal with Bill. He had a vague notion that his soul would be up for forfeit but in everything he’d read that kind of thing had to stipulated in the agreement. All Dipper had traded his silence for was for Bill to get rid of the bandersnatch and he’d already done that. Dipper bit his lip as he looked at the confusion on Wendy’s face. If only Dale had given him the go ahead. Wasn’t he pretty sure Wendy already knew about his sexuality anyways?

“Okay, okay, I surrender.” Bill breathed as he finally calmed down. He held up his hands and grinned at the three humans. “What? Not going to tell her? Alright, I will. Red, I’m a demon.”

Wendy blinked and Dipper’s eyes grew wide. Bill had given up that easily? Did this mean he wasn’t going to tell Wendy about Dipper and Dale?

“What?” Wendy seemed to be a little slow at processing what was going on. She looked helplessly at Mabel and Dipper.

“Wendy…you know how when we were younger there was this demon that invaded Stan’s mind?” Mabel started when Dipper said nothing. “That demon’s name was Bill Cipher…and that’s him.” She pointed over at Bill who did a little ‘tada’ motion with his hands.

“No…it….you’re Bill. You take history at Oregon State!” Wendy protested. No one said anything and Dipper felt his chest tighten when Wendy’s expression changed from one of denial to one of anger.

“You… _lied_ to me?” She breathed, staring at Bill.

“Afraid so, Red.” Bill grinned at Wendy.

“What about your family? What about-“ Wendy stopped herself, trying to keep calm. Her hands were balled in fists and she was shaking from the effort of holding them back. Bill looked unconcerned and Dipper found himself hoping Wendy would punch him in the face.

Wendy took a breath and stood up from the table. “You are moving out. In fact you are officially kicked out. I don’t want you to even come near my house ever again.”

Bill looked up at her from half-lidded eyes. “Oh I don’t think you want to kick me out.” He said, voice low. Wendy’s face flushed red with rage.

“And why’s that?” She growled.

“Because then I’d have to take your life.” Bill said it as if he was discussing the weather or the mosquito population this season.

“What!?” Dipper’s hand shot up to grip his fork, leaving the forgotten demon circle on the bench beside him. He wasn’t sure what he’d do with the fork or even if Bill could be harmed by ordinary utensils but if he started to hurt Wendy, Dipper was going to stick this fork where it hurt. Bill glanced at Dipper with amusement before turning back to Wendy.

“As per our deal.” He explained. Wendy faultered in confusion.

“Deal? I never-“

“Oh but you did.” Bill held up both hands as if he was making a picture frame with his fingers and then slowly spread his hands apart. As he did the area between them became illuminated like television screen. Dipper, Mabel and Wendy watched but the screen only showed static.

“Oh come on you stupid...” Bill muttered, shaking his hands. A picture finally blinked into view of Wendy and Bill lying on a bed in her room. They were facing each other and Dipper thanked the heavens that both of them were on top of the comforter, fully clothed.

“I can’t go back there…” screen-Bill was saying. “I don’t know what I’m going to do if your dad kicks me out.”

“Forget my dad!” screen-Wendy responded. She propped herself up on one elbow. “We can live on the streets if we have to! We can busk at bus stops. Or maybe we can be strippers! All that pole stuff doesn’t look like it could be that hard.” Screen-Bill snorted and screen-Wendy laughed along. “Seriously though. If I ever let you go homeless in Gravity Falls, you can take my axe and chop off my head.” Screen-Bill laughed again but his eyes glittered.

“Deal?” He said, holding out his hand. Dipper saw a flash of blue fire flick across the palm.

“Deal.” Wendy grasped his hand and the ‘video’ paused.

The real Bill brought his hands together, closing the screen.

“But I…we were joking! I was trying to be a good friend!” Wendy argued. Her voice was starting to crack.

“And you were!” Bill reached out to pat her arm but Wendy swatted it and took a step back.

“Don’t touch me.” She hissed through her teeth. Dipper had never seen her so angry.

“I can see you’re upset with me.” Bill said with false amity. “But the one you should really be upset with is pine tree over there. He’s the one who knew about me and didn’t tell you. Plus all that stuff he’s been doing with your brother? Shameless!” Wendy’s eyes flicked over to Dipper, filled with the same stinging rage that had been aimed at Bill. Dipper blanched.

“What was that about Dale?” She demanded menacingly. Bill chuckled and Dipper glared at him.

“You don’t need to tell her that!” He told Bill hastily, already aware that it was probably too late.

“Oh, I think Red deserves to know the truth don’t you?” Bill responded. Dipper stared wide-eyed at him as he called up another screen between his fingers.

This one was darker but he and Dale could still be seen clearly. Dipper was sitting on the bed from Tambry’s party with Dale straddling him. The unmistakeable sounds of lips on skin came from the screen.

All three humans blushed in varying degrees when the sound of Dipper moaning came out of the screen. Dipper’s mind snapped back to reality and before he even really registered what he was doing he’d dove across the picnic table and tackled Bill to the ground.

Some of the plates got caught between them and ketchup stained their shirts as they wrestled on the ground. Dipper, using the knocked over food to his advantage, grabbed a fistfull of Mabel’s french toast mush and smacked it into Bill’s still stupidly grinning face. Bill didn’t miss a beat though and rolled himself until he was on top of Dipper. He knocked off Dipper’s hat with one hand and with the other he squished a similarly gross substance into Dipper’s hair.

Dipper growled and threw a punch at Bill’s face which he easily avoided. Bill stared down at Dipper, grin bigger than ever and it seemed like he had the upper hand until Dipper started to tickle him in the sides. Bill screamed and dissolved into a giggling mess. He tried to kick at Dipper but Dipper was relentless, sitting on Bill’s legs to keep them still.

“I don’t know what’s going on but I sure hope you plan on cleaning this mess up.” A gravelly voice came from the porch. All four heads turned to look at Gruncle Stan standing in the doorway with a mug of coffee in his hands.

Bill used the moment to shove Dipper off of him. He looked half-crazed and ready for another round but Wendy grabbed a pitcher of orange juice off the table and splashed it on him. She was shaking and Dipper saw that an angry tear had escaped her eye and was running down her cheek. Dipper felt his stomach knotting up.

“Wendy…” Dipper started getting to his feet but Wendy grabbed another pitcher, this one filled with water and dumped the cold liquid on his head. Ice cubes stuck to his hair as he spat the water out of his mouth.

“I can’t believe you! Either of you!” She half-screamed, half-choked at them before turning around and running across the yard.

“Wendy!” Dipper called after her, about to follow. Mabel jumped in front of him and shook her head. She was right. Wendy probably didn’t want to have anything to do with him now. And neither would Dale once he’d found out what Wendy knew.

Dipper sighed and sat back down, glancing over at Bill who was licking orange juice off his arm. Suddenly, something wet and hard hit him in the back of the head.

“Hey!” Dipper cried turning to look at Gruncle Stan who had somehow gotten an arm full of old tomatoes.

He shrugged at Dipper’s glare. “I thought we were having a food fight.” Stan said.

Dipper opened his mouth to respond but another two tomatoes smacked him in the face and a third in his stomach. He heard Bill laughing as he wiped tomato juice out of his eyes and then with a whap Bill took a tomato to the side of the face. Dipper snorted.

Mabel made the two of them stand outside as she sprayed them down with the hose. During the scuffle they’d broken a few glasses and a plate but nothing irreplaceable. Bill wasn’t too keen on helping clean up but Mabel gave him a glare that would scare any transdimensional triangle demon into obedience. She was not happy about the way her cooking had been used that morning.

After they were done and both Dipper and Bill had toweled off sufficiently, the three of them sat awkwardly on the back porch. Well, Dipper and Mabel felt awkward. Bill was lying back on the grass watching a butterfly drift around him as if he hadn’t a care in the world.

“I have to talk to Wendy. We need to figure out what to do with Bill.” Dipper finally told Mabel. She frowned but nodded, checking her phone again. She’d been trying to reach Wendy since brunch but Wendy wasn’t responding.

“You should take him with you.” Mabel nodded towards Bill. The butterfly had landed on Bill’s arm and he was studying it closely.

Dipper groaned. “Do I have to?” Mabel gave him a look and he could guess her answer.

“Bill!” He called just as Bill smacked a hand over where the butterfly had been. Lucky for it, the butterfly had been quick enough to escape and it fluttered outside of Bill’s reach as if taunting him. Bill looked a Dipper.

“Come on, we need to finish cleaning up your mess.”

Bill wrinkled his nose but got up anyways to follow.

It took Dipper an hour to find Wendy. Bill was no help of course. He kept getting distracted, wanting to stop for a drink or to use the bathroom. Dipper felt like he was babysitting a six year old.

Eventually Dipper spotted Wendy sitting on the water tower with her legs dangling over the edge.

“Stay here.” He ordered Bill before climbing the ladder, not waiting around for Bill to argue with him.

Dipper had to hold on to his hat as a gust of wind blew over the water tower. Wendy didn’t acknowledge him when he sat down next to her and they sat in silence for a minute before Dipper spoke.

“I’m sorry, I should have just told you about Bill. It was just…he knew about Dale and threatened to tell you and-“

Wendy held up a hand to shush him. “Mabel explained it.” She said, holding up her phone to show him Mabel’s texts.

“I’m sorry.” Dipper said again. Wendy sighed.

“It’s not even Bill I’m mad about! I mean, I’m mad at myself for not realizing sooner something was off about him but I…” She trailed off. “Dipper, am I a bad sister?”

“What?” That had caught Dipper off guard. “Of course not!”

“Why wouldn’t Dale tell me?” Her voice was soft.

“I…don’t know.” Dipper admitted. “But he knows you love him.”

“I know! I just..if he was feeling confused or insecure or something I could have helped!” Her hands gripped the metal railing and some of the rusted paint chipped off, leaving black bits all over her fingers.

“I think he was trying to do everything without help.” Dipper mused. “I think he didn’t want to tell you until he had everything worked out so you wouldn’t have to worry. Like when he had a steady boyfriend and everything.” A couple of seconds passed as Wendy thought about that.

“Boyfriend huh?” The end of Wendy’s mouth turned up slightly at the corner. “So…does this mean you’re eventually going to be my brother in law?” Dipper coughed awkwardly.

“Actually…we broke up.” Dipper avoided looking at her but still heard her sharp inhale.

“What!? But you…Dipper did you hit and quit my brother? At Tambry’s party!?” Wendy leaned forward and narrowed her eyes to study Dipper’s face.

“No!” Dipper hastily denied, ears and cheeks feeling hot. “No, Bill didn’t show you the whole thing!” Wendy raised an eyebrow. “I mean…we broke up after the thing at Tambry’s party…I mean at the party…uh…I mean we didn’t even go that far!”

Wendy chuckled before realization dawned on her face. “Wait, is this why Dale was so gloomy after the party? Oh man! I didn’t even realize! I’m the worst sister ever.” She lay back, hands up in defeat and after a second, Dipper joined her.

“For what it’s worth. Me and Dale may have broken up but I’d still take you on as a sister in law any day.” Dipper said as he looked up at the clouds. He turned to face her and Wendy’s eyes looked watery. She sat up just enough that she could swing her arms around Dipper. He hugged her back, taking in her fresh cut wood smell.

“I always thought you liked girls.” Wendy said as they parted. She’d probably had flashbacks to Dipper’s 12-year-old crush.

“I still do! I think…” Dipper wrinkled his eyebrows. He would probably have to figure that out eventually too.

“So what are we going to do about him?” Wendy’s expression turned serious and she pointed to Bill at the bottom of the ladder. He looked up and waved at them, even though there was no way he could have heard them at this height.

“Actually I have a couple of ideas about that.” Dipper helped Wendy to her feet and they both descended from the water tower.

“We good, Red?” Bill asked, looking at Wendy when they were both safely on the ground.

“Not on your life.” Wendy answered darkly. Bill’s lips formed a slight pout.

“Bill, the deal with Wendy was that she couldn’t let you go homeless in Gravity Falls right?” Dipper asked, making the other two turn towards him. Bill eyed him suspiciously but grinned again.

“Yup or else I get to chop off her head!” Wendy and Dipper both shivered at how cheerily Bill had said that.

“Right, so there’s nothing in the deal that says you have to stay at Wendy’s home.” Dipper saw Wendy’s eyes widen as she caught Dipper’s drift.

“A hotel is not a home, pine tree.” Bill said, catching onto Dipper’s meaning as well. Dipper sighed. He knew that was going to be the case but he was hoping he wouldn’t have to resort to the second option. He sighed again, bigger this time.

“Alright Bill. You’re going to move into the Mystery Shack.” He said. Bill beamed.

“Why Dipper! Don’t you think we should get to know each other better before we go to that level in our relationship?” He teased. Dipper ignored him. He had known Bill would be pleased. The shack had the journals and the remains of the portal Gruncle Stan had built when they’d first met Bill buried underneath it. Bill would have better access to these things if he lived there, but Dipper would also be able to keep a better eye on him.

“No! Dipper you can’t let him live with you guys!” Wendy protested.

“It will be safer this way.” Dipper wasn’t leaving room for arguing. “But, Bill’s going to answer a few questions first.” Bill looked unconcerned.

“First, why target Wendy? Why not just move into Gravity Falls yourself?” He asked.

“Where would the fun be in that?” Bill dodged the question.

“Cut the crap Bill, or you’ll be living with McGucket!” Dipper threatened. Bill studied Dipper, as if deciding how much he should say.

“Alright…I needed to be invited into Gravity Falls.” Bill explained. Dipper and Wendy exchanged a glance.

“Why?” Dipper asked.

“There’s a barrier around the town that protects it from things like me.” Bill danced over to a stump and slumped down on it while he spoke.

“But why me?” Wendy spoke up. Bill shrugged.

“You were available.” He answered.

“And you had to get Wendy to make that deal with you or else you get kicked outside the barrier.” Dipper thought allowed.

“Bingo.” Bill affirmed, giving him a wink with his false eye.

“Why did you need to get into Gravity Falls so bad?” Dipper studied Bill’s face which had suddenly turned blank and unreadable.

“That’s really none of your concern.” Bill casually examined his nails. Dipper sighed internally. Getting information from Bill was like trying to take food from Waddles.

“Well, why now at least? It’s been six years since we defeated you. Why wait for revenge?” Dipper pressed. Bill raised his eyebrows and gave him a patronizing look.

“Wow, you really think the whole world revolves around you don’t you? Even if time wasn’t an illusion, I wouldn’t just spend it devising plans to make you suffer for ‘defeating’ me.” Bill put air quotes around the word “defeating” for emphasis. Dipper rolled his eyes.

“Oh right, like you intended to lose. Why can’t you just admit me and Mabel kicked your butt?” He contended, crossing his arms over his chest.

“If it helps you preserve your hero complex to think that pine tree.” Bill replied with another shrug.

“I do not have a hero complex!” Dipper snapped. He could feel a redux of this morning’s fight coming on.

“Right, and I’m a tooth fairy.” Bill snorted. Dipper was seriously going to punch right in the mouth this time, maybe knock out a few his teeth.

Wendy cleared her throat, reminding Dipper what he was there for. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly through his nose, unclenching his fists while he did. Another fight would get him nothing but a few bruises and potentially a couple of burns.

“Whatever. Let’s just go get your stuff.” Dipper surrendered. He’d have to plot with Mabel for interrogation techniques later. Bill happily shot to his feet and started to skip in the direction of Wendy’s house. Dipper made to follow but Wendy stopped him.

“Dipper, are you sure about this? It’s my fault we have to give Bill a place to stay. I don’t want to put you guys at risk for my stupidity.” Wendy fretted. Dipper put his hands on her shoulders.

“Wendy listen, that isn’t your fault. It’s Bill’s fault. I mean, who in their right mind would think their friend is a demon?” Dipper said. Wendy gave him a small, tired smile. She’d been through a lot that day.

“But still.” She argued. Dipper shook his head.

“No buts.” He scolded, putting an arm around Wendy. She leaned into him even though it was somewhat awkward because of how much taller she was than him.

“ _My_ butt will start to die of old age if you two don’t walk any faster!” Bill called from a few blocks ahead.

“Shut up Bill!” Dipper shouted, walking extra slow just to piss the demon off. He was already starting to get a headache and Bill wasn’t even moved in yet.

Dipper really hoped this wasn’t a sign of things to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little late. 
> 
> You should be able to find the latin translations of Dipper's spell and Bill's joke on google pretty easily if you're interested.   
> Also, I apologize if dead baby jokes make anybody really uncomfortable.  
> Next chapter is going to feature some actual fucking smut for once! (Thank GOD!) And there will also be some gore. 
> 
> Hope y'all are enjoying yourselves so far. Thanks for reading!


	10. Exes and Ohs

Grunkle Stan loved Bill.

Dipper really wished he was exaggerating, but the man had actually said he'd marry Bill on more than one occasion. 

He'd been less than thrilled when Bill and Dipper had show up on the doorstep with Bill's (surprisingly light) bags. The current story was that Bill had been kicked out of Wendy's house due to irreconcilable differences of opinion on hardwood. It was a bit of work getting Stan to consider letting Bill have the spare room but as soon as he saw the potential for free labour he put Bill to work in the gift shop.

And apparently it was the best decision he'd ever made.

Dipper already knew Bill was a smooth talker, seeing as he'd been roped into one or two deals in the past, but seeing him work on the gullible Mystery Shack tourists was something else. People would come in just for directions and Bill would have them leaving with an armful of merchandise. He even had the bright idea to set up a "donation" box with a picture of a crying kid on it. Nowhere on the box did it say the crying kid would be getting the money or even that people were donating to a charity but it ended up being full of loose change at the end of every day anyways. 

As much as he was helping business, Bill's smarmy attitude was aggravating. Even more annoying was the fact that for a demon, Bill was boring as hell. Dipper watched him all the time. He staked out Bill's bedroom at night, expecting nefarious going ons but Bill just slept like a normal person. There was one night where Bill made a bit of a show of moaning out Dipper's name and making the bed creak loud enough that Dipper could hear it through the closed door. Dipper had promptly stopped the night time spying missions after that.

During the day Bill just worked in the shop or lazed around. Sometimes he'd read books or go to town to buy junk food but other than that he didn't really do anything. Dipper had even resorted to leaving a journal around, out in the open, hoping to catch Bill in the act of trying to steal or destroy it. But Bill didn't seem remotely interested in the texts. Wendy confirmed that Bill had been mostly the same at her house. She hadn’t been keeping as close an eye on him as Dipper was of course but she couldn’t recall a time when he’d done anything suspicious.

To make matters worse, Dale’s new boyfriend was shaping up to be quite the piece of work. Wendy had agreed to keep quiet about knowing Dale’s secret until he was ready to tell her, so Dale didn’t hate Dipper yet. He just thought Wendy was still in the dark about Bill and that Dipper had convinced Bill to stay with them as a means of protection. So Dale still came over constantly to hang around with Mabel and Dipper and somehow Michael had become part of the package deal. Dipper couldn’t explain what it was. The guy didn’t really do or say anything offensive, he just had a sort of… “holier than thou” air to him that was ticking Dipper off. And Dale was starting to notice.

“Hey, do you wanna see Skull Crasher 3000 tomorrow?” Dale asked Dipper on one of the few shifts Bill hadn’t taken away from him. Not that Dale minded that much with Michael in town and all.

“That’s still out? Heck yeah I’ll see it!” Dipper replied. His eyes darted to his sister, who was humming idly in a chair off to the side of the cash desk. He wondered if he could convince her to be on Bill watching duty tomorrow.

“Great! Me and Mike will meet you….say around three?” Dale slid some more bobbleheads from the box at his feet onto the shelf.

“Oh…uh, you know what? I actually forgot I promised Soos I’d visit him and Melody tomorrow.” Dipper said as he avoided eye contact with Dale.

“Oh? Well we could always change the time.” Dale suplied.

“Uh, I think it will probably take a while…but maybe another time?”

Dale stopped stocking and frowned at Dipper.

“Dipper, do you not like Michael?” He asked finally.

“What? No! No, no, Michael’s…great!” Dipper winced at his own response. He could stand to take some lying lessons from Bill.

“Why?” Dale pressed. Dipper sighed, there was no point in trying to keep up the bad charade.

“I don’t know…there’s just something about him that’s…off.”

Dale frowned again and let out a huff of air. “Man…I really didn’t expect this kind of thing from you, Dipper. I really didn’t want to do the whole jealous ex thing with you.”

“What!?” Dipper squeaked. “No Dale, listen…Michael’s just…there’s just something about him that makes me worried okay? I mean the guy wears sunglasses indoors!”

Dale scowled at him. “Whatever.” He turned back to restocking.

“Dale-“

“Look Dipper, next time just say you don’t want to come instead of making up some bullshit excuse.” Dale told him, nearly knocking over the entire row of bobbleheads.

“Dale-“ Dipper tried again but was interrupted by Mabel across the room.

“Dipper! Can you help me in the kitchen?” She called brightly.

“Uh..yeah. Can you give me a second?” Dipper called back. He wanted to set Dale straight.

“Now Dipper!!” Mabel called again. Dipper sighed and got up to see what his sister wanted. Dale didn’t even look up as he left.

Mabel led the way into the kitchen.

“Okay what do you wa- OW!” He cried as Mabel punched him in the shoulder. “What was that for?”

“That was for being an idiot! When I said you couldn’t have every boy in town I meant it!” Mabel punched him again.

“OW!” Dipper backed up out of Mabel’s reach, rubbing his sore arm. “What is it with you and Dale today? I’m not jealous okay! I mean, I’m the one who broke up with Dale! Besides, who even cares if I hate Michael or not.”

“Dale does!” Mabel snapped.

“Why? Aren’t exes supposed to hate the new boyfriend or whatever?” Dipper argued. Mabel’s eyebrows knit together in frustration.

“Ugh! You just don’t get it!” Her expression softened some as she spoke. “Dale looks up to you Dipper! Not just as someone he’s had a crush on for years but also as someone whose opinion he values. It’s important to him that you give his new boyfriend your blessing!”

Dipper frowned at that. “But what if I don’t?”

“Oh my god!” Mabel said, throwing her hands up in defeat. She turned around, heading for the stairs in the hallway and Dipper followed her.

“Look, the guy is suspicious Mabel!” He said. She didn’t even turn to look at him.

“You think everyone’s suspicious!” She countered, reaching the bottom of the stairs. 

“Even if he’s not up to…something, Michael’s still a jerk. I mean did you see the way he looked at Waddles the other day?” Dipper reached for something Mabel would take personally. She stopped at the landing and looked down at him.

“Not everyone likes pigs Dipper! I can accept that!” She snapped. Her voice softened a little bit and she looked at Dipper with dissapointment written on her face. “Dipper you really need to get passed this thing. Green is not a good colour on you.”

“I’m not jealous!” Dipper shouted but Mabel had already disappeared from the landing. He groaned.

“You guys talking about the handsome man Dale’s been hanging around?” Grunkle Stan called from the living room. He was in his favourite chair, fondling the remote. Bill was lying on the floor in front of him, entranced in whatever nonsense was on tv. Dipper hoped they hadn’t heard Mabel and his’ entire conversation.

“Yeah.” Dipper said, taking a few steps into the living room. Grunkle Stan looked thoughtful for a minute.

“I don’t trust that guy either.” He said finally. Dipper looked at his uncle in surprise.

“Yeah?”

Grunkle Stan rose to his feet, stretching his back until Dipper could hear something pop. “I don’t trust anyone who wears sunglasses inside, or who’s that good looking.”

“I know right? There’s definitely something off about him.” Dipper said as his uncle shuffled passed Dipper to get to the kitchen.

“I think you’re right too.” Bill offered from his spot on the floor. Dipper eyed the blonde doubtfully. Grunkle Stan’s opinion was one thing but Bill agreeing with him too? Now _that_ was suspicious.

“Have you even met Michael?” He asked. Bill shrugged.

“I’ve seen him. And I think you’re right. He smells like…danger.”

Dipper considered this. He hadn’t really thought of Michael as dangerous but on occasion he did seem kind of predatory. Michael being annoying was easy to deal with, Dipper could just avoid him. But Michael being dangerous…Dipper couldn’t just leave Dale alone with him.

“You think Dale might be in danger?” Dipper asked Bill. Bill’s eyes didn’t move from the tv as he answered.

“Perhaps.”

Dipper shuffled his feet. He tried to keep in mind who he was talking to. Bill might just be trying to get Dipper’s attention off of him so he could do…whatever it was he was trying to do in Gravity Falls. But at the same time, if Dale was in trouble…

“Hey kid, your ears are starting to smoke.” Grunkle Stan elbowed Dipper as he came back with two cans of Pitt Soda. He tossed one to Bill on the floor who caught it without so much as a glance in Stan’s direction. “If you keep thinking so hard you’re going to hurt yourself.”

“Yeah give those two brain cells a rest.” Bill added and chuckled along when Grunkle Stan laughed. Dipper shook his head. This new friendship of theirs was starting to creep its way up his list of things to worry about.

But he needed to deal with the current top thing on that list first.

Dipper crept back into the gift shop to see Dale behind the counter. The shop was empty so Dale really didn’t have anything to do but as soon as he saw Dipper he became extremely interested in reorganizing the shelves behind him.

“Hey Dale.” Dipper started, scratching the back of his neck. “Look, you were right. I haven’t really given Michael enough of a chance. Can I still come to the movies with you two tomorrow?”

Dale spun around, eyes bright and smiling. “Yes! Man, this is going to be awesome! You’ll see. Mike’s great!” Dipper smiled back. For Dale’s sake he hoped he was right because if Bill was right about Dale’s new boyfriend, then Dipper was going to have to have a few words with Mike.

 

…

 

“Is this really necessary?” Bill asked, tugging at the pig harness that was wrapped around his torso.

“Yes.” Both Mabel and Dipper answered simultaneously. Mabel had the leash end of the harness and was standing on the porch. Waddles tip toed around her ankles making little snorting noises that sounded suspiciously like laughing. Dipper agreed with the pig: Bill in the harness leash was pretty hilarious.

It was late afternoon and Dipper was waiting for Michael and Dale to come pick him up. Mabel had agreed to keep an eye on Bill and she was going to keep an especially close one on him since he had pretty much talked Dipper into going out today. The harness had been her idea.

By the time Michael’s white car pulled up, Bill was having a glaring contest with Waddles while Mabel kept herself between the two, lest a hilarious fight break out.

“Hey Dipper!” Dale called from the rolled down window on the passenger side.

“Hey.” Dipper said as he opened the back door and slid in. “Hey Michael.” He added politely to the man behind the wheel. Michael nodded in the review mirror in response. Dipper couldn’t tell with the dark sunglasses on, but it looked like Michael was taking stock of Mabel and Bill on the porch. That feeling of being under a microscope came back to Dipper as he buckled up.

“Is that guy wearing a harness?” Michael asked in his smooth lilt.

“Don’t ask.” Dipper answered. Dale chuckled lightly when they saw Mabel yank on the leash to keep Bill from kicking Waddles.

As they drove, Dipper couldn’t help but admire Michael’s car. It was extremely roomy with light caramel leather seats and dark tinted windows. The ride was smooth too, even on the unpaved roads. Grenda would have had a hard time dislodging her passengers in this baby. The thing made Dipper’s car look like a trash heap.

The three of them were quiet most of the way to Gravity Films. Dale and Dipper chatted a bit about how the shack was doing but Michael stayed unnervingly quiet.

Once they were in the theatre, Michael insisted on paying for both the tickets and the food. He reminded Dipper a little of Pacifica the way he handed over fifties like they were five dollar bills. Between the car and the cash, it was pretty obvious the guy came from money.

They found their seats about five minutes before the previews started. To Dipper’s discomfort, Dale made Michael sit between the two of them and Dipper had to beat back the desire to move over a seat. There really was no reason they had to sit together anyways because the theatre was virtually empty. The only other movie-goers were two younger teens sitting in the third row with their feet up on the seats in front of them.

It wasn’t until the lights dimmed that Michael removed his sunglasses, treating both Dale and Dipper to another glance at his perfectly blue eyes. They shone extra bright in the reflection from the screen, almost as if they were glowing.

The movie wasn’t bad. The title had promised lots of skulls being crushed and it delivered. Dipper was able to lose himself in the mindless action pretty quickly. He wasn’t completely relaxed though, opting to keep his hands uncomfortably in his lap instead of trying to fight Michael for their shared armrest. The idea of being that close to the guy made Dipper’s arm hairs stand on end.

The action on screen progressed loudly and explosively but it soon became obvious that the two teens near the front were going to be a problem. They laughed loudly and obnoxiously over the main character’s lines and yelled out “that’s what she said” so many times Dipper wondered how they could possibly still find it funny.

About a third of the way into the movie, Dale whispered something to Michael and looked like he was about to get up to get a manager but Michael put out a hand to stop him.

“I’ll just go say something to them.” Dipper heard Michael whisper back as he rose himself. When Dipper lifted up his legs so Michael could sneak by, he saw Michael’s teeth glinting in a grin that gave him goosebumps. He watched Michael approach the two teenagers. Their conversation was muffled by the sounds of carnage on screen but it appeared that the two young men did not appreciate Michael’s complaint. One of them even tossed popcorn at his face.

The unsettling teeth glint came back and Dipper thought he was going to be witness to a murder but Michael simply leaned over calmly to put a hand on both the boys’ shoulders. The teens stiffened and slowly took their feet off the chairs in front of them, sitting up straight. Neither seemed to move from the position as Michael made his way back to his own seat and Dipper was having a hard time believing two teenagers would do such a fast 180 in their attitude. Dale on the other hand didn’t even seem to notice that something was strange.

“Thanks.” He whispered to Michael as he sat down between them again. Dipper saw Michael squeeze Dale’s hand amiably. When Michael noticed Dipper watching him he gave Dipper another toothy smile that crinkled around his forever blue eyes. Dipper shuddered at the expression and quickly turned back to the screen.

As he watched, Dipper kept his eyes on the boys in front but neither of them moved an inch the entire time. When it was over and the three of them were making their way out of the theatre, Dipper chanced a glance back at the teens. Their eyes were glazed and their mouths were hanging open slightly like zombies. If it wasn’t for their abnormally stiff posture Dipper would have thought they were just hypnotized or on drugs or something. But these two didn’t even seem to register that the movie had ended and just before Dipper stepped out into the light he noticed that their popcorn had gone mostly untouched.

“I’m going to the washroom.” Dale told them while they headed down the hall. “You two can go wait in the car.” He gave both Dipper and Michael a playful shove towards the exit. Michael nodded in response and slipped his sunglasses back on, leading the way. Dipper reluctantly followed, not really relishing the thought of being alone with Michael.

The walk to the car was fairly short and both of them opted to stand outside to let their limbs thaw in the sun instead of sitting inside. Dipper pretended to stretch as he searched for something to say. He could either make small talk and pretend there was nothing strange about those two kids in the theatre or he could accuse Michael of being up to something. He decided the safest route was something halfway between the two.

“Uh...so Michael…what did you say to those kids back there? Whatever it was seemed to work really well.” Dipper tried to make his voice casual but it wavered a little on the man’s name. Michael turned to look at Dipper, expressionless beneath his sunglasses.

“Dale said you were some kind of paranormal investigator.” He commented, avoiding Dipper’s question.

“Er…yeah…” Dipper said, wondering why he’d suddenly brought that up. Was he building up to some kind of threat? Michael bent to open Dipper’s door and held it open for him to enter the car. Dipper hesitated, feeling like he was about to enter some kind of trap despite the fact that he’d just ridden completely safely in the vehicle the entire way here. Not seeing any way of politely getting out of it, he resigned himself and sat carefully on the leather seat. Before he could swing his legs in after him, Michael darted towards him and shoved him in the shoulders so he landed back first on the seat.

“Wh-“ Dipper started to sit back up but Michael leaned into the car over top of him and placed a hand on his shoulder to keep him in place.

“I think we should keep the investigating to ourselves for the time being, don’t you?” Michael said in a deep voice, peering over the top of his sunglasses at Dipper. Dipper swallowed hard at the threat, remembering the hypnotized look of the two boys in the theatre. He braced himself to fight whatever magic Michael was about to throw at him.

Just as quickly as he’d shoved Dipper backwards, Michael bent forwards towards Dipper’s stomach and lifted up the bottom of his shirt. Dipper let out a confused cry as he felt the icy shock of Michael’s lips touching the skin just below his navel. He didn’t even have time to kick at the taller man before Michael had straightened himself up and was standing outside the car door, looking down at Dipper.

“Disgusting.” He commented with a slight sneer. Dipper’s mouth hung open in astonishment and his brain seemed like it was short-circuiting as he tried to process what had just happened.

“Mike!” Dale called from somewhere close by and Dipper scrambled to sit up. Michael slammed the car door shut just as Dipper got his feet out of the way and the front door was soon open for Dale to slide into the passenger seat. The driver’s side opened a few seconds later and Michael slid in as well.

“Dipper? Are you okay? You’re looking a little peaked.” Dale turned to look at Dipper.

“Yes Dipper. Are you feeling alright?” Mike’s eyes peered over the edge of his sunglasses again as he looked at Dipper through the rear view mirror. The saliva in Dipper’s mouth felt thick. He hadn’t even begun to figure out what the hell had just happened. Michael had….kissed his stomach? But why? Dipper looked between the two in the front seats, eyes settling on Dale. He needed to tell Dale about this…but…Dale already thought Dipper was jealous. And it didn’t sound like Mike was planning on confessing to the weird thing he’d just done. Would Dale believe him over his new boyfriend?

“Dipper?” Dale asked again, looking more concerned.

“Yeah…I-I think I must have just eaten something bad earlier….” He answered, hands shaking as he grabbed his seat belt. It took him four tries to get it in the coupler.

“Oh. Well I did want to invite you to go somewhere else with us but if you’re not feeling well we could take you home?” Dale suggested. Something flashed across his eyes and Dipper realised he probably sounded like he was trying to skip out again. But he could not deal with another couple of hours around Michael. Not after that. Dipper nodded.

“Sorry.” He mumbled as Dale turned back around and Michael started up the car. Dipper avoided looking at their driver and focused on the road outside his window.

The place where Michael had kissed him was burning and as they drove Dipper realized the heat was spreading. It reminded Dipper of the time when he was eleven and had broken his arm on the stairs. The doctor’s had injected painkillers into his arm that had felt like warm milk spreading through his veins. The sensation across his abdomen was similar as it spread deeper, all the way to his groin.

The car turned sharply, making the seatbelt bite into Dipper’s stomach and he nearly cried out at the heat that rose up from it. Considering how smooth the ride had been earlier, Dipper figured the sharp turn had been on purpose. He tried to think of disgusting things, dead kittens, rotting corpses, nose hairs but his body didn’t seem to care. He could feel his heart beating behind his hips and by the time they turned into the Mystery Shack parking lot, Dipper was nearly panting.

“Well, thanks for coming.” Dale turned around again to look at Dipper. He looked a little shocked when he saw Dipper and Dipper guessed he wasn’t looking well at all. Trying to get a hold of these sensations prickling under his skin was taking a lot out of him.

“Thanks for inviting me…b-both of you.” Dipper breathed out, fumbling with his seatbelt. He didn’t wait to hear Michael’s goodbye as he dashed out of the car and ran into the shack. He couldn’t even remember if he’d closed the door behind him. Dipper darted through the house and took the stairs two at a time up to the attic, hoping to God that Mabel was not in their bedroom.

Thankfully the room was empty and Dipper paused only to lock the door behind him. He crawled onto his bed, hands already sliding under his shirt across the heating skin. He fought with his clothing, stripping as fast as possible and sliding his hands down to his throbbing erection. He turned his head to the side to moan into his pillow as the heat rolled under his palms. It was almost painful how badly he needed to come.

But his body was dealing out an extra dose of betrayal today. Dipper tried all the techniques and movements that usually worked for him but he couldn’t make himself come. He was like a boiling pot, foaming up and almost spilling over the edge but not quite. The sweat dripped off his body, making the sheets stick to his skin and he whimpered helplessly. Dipper tried to conjure up erotic images. Centerfolds, pinup girls, just good old fashioned tits but it wasn’t helping. He imagined a svelte woman lying on a bed, short blonde hair. He imagined running his hands over her quivering legs, over her abs and up to her chest. Her eyelids were half shut in ecstasy, one a brown-gold and the other glowing cerulean. He imagined her lips parting and suddenly the image was one of Bill and his stupidly sexy grin. His stomach muscles clenched as he ran both hands up himself.

“B-bill…” Dipper whispered, tilting his head back against his head-board. “Bill” he said again louder this time and then a loud popping noise invaded his ears. His eyes shot open to see a golden triangle floating in the air in front of him. Dipper squeaked and snapped his legs shut, both hands still in between his thighs.

Bill regarded him for a moment, not saying anything, just raking his eyes up and down Dipper’s naked and embarrassing position. And then finally he said with a mocking tone: “Did you really miss me that much pine tree?” Dipper gritted his teeth. He was pretty sure his face was already a boiling tomato red - that was, if he had any blood left to rush to his face.

“Get out.” Dipper spat. The breath he took to say it made his stomach press against his arms and his hips responded by quickly thrusting into his hands still between his thighs. He whimpered at the feeling, unable to stop his hips from continuing to buck forward. Bill’s eye widened at the sight of him.

The triangle floated slowly down, taking Dipper’s face in his tiny black hands. Dipper whined at the coolness, still thrusting into himself.

“Lie back.” Bill ordered and without a second’s hesitation Dipper obliged, stretching his legs down and digging his hands into the sheet beneath him. His body was practically humming in anticipation. Bill floated down to stand on his chest and leaned over to stroke his skin. Dipper’s back arched under the feeling and his hands slid over his sides to grasp Bill’s triangular body.

There was a sensation like a soft electrical current shooting up his arms before Bill shouted “hands!” in annoyance. Both of Dipper’s hands hit the backboard beside his head with a thump and stuck to it as if they were tied there. Some still functioning logical part of his brain noted that this was the second time Bill had bound him. Maybe he didn’t like to be touched in his triangle form? Or maybe he just had a control kink.

Dipper watched as Bill turned away from him and sat himself down just below Dipper’s belly button. He regarded Dipper’s stiff cock for a moment before extending a hand and trailing needle-like claws lightly down the shaft. Dipper’s whole body shivered from the feeling. Once Bill reached the base he ghosted his claws back up and around the head.

“Ah-nng!” Dipper breathed, trying to lift his hips higher off the bed. Something warm and wet like a tongue or a snake (Dipper couldn’t see passed Bill’s body) wrapped itself around his cock. Pulses started squeezing at the base and working their way up to the head where a single claw traced lazy circles.

Dipper was a mess. He was surprised Bill was able to stay seated between his hips from the amount of writhing he was doing. His toes were curling into his bed sheets and moans and pants were spilling out of his mouth with every breath. Dipper’s hips bucked, making the bed creak as he felt the crescendo rising.

“B-bill!” He cried, eyes rolling back and muscles spasming as he came. The tongue-like thing slid away when he relaxed and the heat retreated back to Dipper’s stomach. The fog in his head cleared briefly while his eyes were closed and Dipper found himself hoping against hope this whole thing had been a dream and that the triangle sitting on him right now was just a figment of his imagination.

He felt Bill rise and walk over to stand on his chest again but he kept his eyes closed, wishing Bill would just disappear. Dipper almost thought his wishes had been answered too but then he heard Bill speak.

“You’re going to have to look at me sometime, kid.”

Dipper winced. The blood rushed to his face afresh now that it didn’t have other areas to be concerned with. Slowly he opened his eyes to see Bill standing on his chest with his hands on his corners. Dipper wasn’t sure if it was just him but Bill’s glow was looking a little warmer than it usually did. Their eyes met and Dipper quickly looked away trying to focus on anything but the triangle demon.

“Wanna tell me what that was about?” Bill asked. Dipper chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment before answering.

“I think Michael’s an incubus.” He said. Bill pulsed red and his eye narrowed. Dipper hastily explained what had happened in the car.

“He kissed you?” Bill had returned to his normal red colour but his tone remained unimpressed. He walked carefully over to Dipper’s stomach and stood just below his navel. “Right here?”

The heat below Bill’s feet shot into Dipper’s groin again and he resisted the urge to tell Bill to go lower. He nodded instead, trying to ignore the half-mast that had stiffened between his legs. Bill didn’t seem to notice and stood in thought. He seemed to decide on something and gave Dipper a pitying look.

“This is going to hurt a bit.” Bill said, leaning over to run a hand along Dipper’s skin. Dipper didn’t have time to ask before the pain ripped his skin apart.

He screamed as Bill sliced into his stomach with a single claw, tearing through skin and muscle. The claw was sharp enough that Dipper didn’t really feel the full force until Bill had finished a four inch incision below his belly button. His erection wilted at the stinging in his stomach and Dipper’s arm muscles clenched as he tried to rip his hands from the head board behind him. Another scream tore out of his throat when Bill slid both hands into the incision, groping around the soft organs underneath.

Dipper dissolved into whimpering as his eyes flooded with tears. The feeling of warm blood spilling over his sides and pooling on the bed beneath him made him nauseous. He might have found the strange feeling of Bill playing around with his intestines fascinating if it weren’t for the raw, grating sting at the edges of the cut.  Bill made a low humming noise and suddenly pulled on something inside of Dipper.

“AH!” Dipper cried out in a mixture of ecstasy and agony. It was like whatever Bill had tugged on was connected by chords to all the most sensitive spots in his body. There was a chord tied to his ear lobes, to his tongue, to each nipple, to his belly button, to his toes, to the head of his dick. Bill gave another tug and each of those spots lit up simultaneously, almost overpowering the pain in his abdomen. His hips bucked and his erection came alive again as his body alternated between waves of pleasure and waves of pain. Every time the pleasure brought him to the brink of an orgasm the pain held him back.

He whimpered and moaned again as Bill fondled the thing inside him. The heat was worse than before, wriggling from his lower back and into some place deep he’d never felt before. Sweat and blood rolled off him, soaking the already wet mattress underneath him. As he panted Dipper’s tongue lolled in and out of his mouth, writhing against the soft inside of his cheeks. He needed more, he needed Bill to pull whatever he was pulling harder.

“M..more….Bill. Bill…please…PLEASE!” He whined as whatever was left of his stomach muscles quivered. Dipper’s legs spread farther apart across his mattress and his bucking became more eratic. “Bill….BILL...ah…AH…AAAH!” He nearly broke his vocal chords as he screamed. Bill had tugged hard and the thing inside him came loose. The chords snapped back at each of his sensitive spots, causing him to see white sparks and his back arched completely off the bed. The spasming slowly subsided and he lay back down, feeling the stinging pain as his cum dribbled down to mix with the blood on his stomach.

Now that the pleasure had disappeared the pain throbbed worse than before. Dipper blinked the tears from his eyes and saw Bill hold something in his hand. It looked like a fat pink worm, squirming to try and get out of Bill’s grip. Bill squeezed tightly, crushing it into a cloud of black smoke. Dipper felt his head spin, the blood loss and the orgasms having taken their toll. He fought against unconsciousness.

“What was that?” He tried to ask as his vision darkened. Bill looked at him again.

“He’s not an incubus.” He said, more to himself than to Dipper. Dipper opened his mouth to ask another question but his eyes started to roll back.

“Get some sleep.” Bill murmured. Dipper felt a tiny hand sweep the sweat slick bangs out of his eyes. “I’ll take care of this.”

And then he was gone and Dipper descended into a comforting darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legend has it that if you come three times while reading this fic Bill will appear in your dreams.
> 
> If you aren't a fan of triangles don't worry. Bill's human form will be getting some action in this fic too!
> 
> Thank you again for the kind comments! <3 I'm so glad everyone's enjoying this! You guys make me a little embarrassed #'o'#. I don't even know how to respond half the time! Also if anybody has stuff they want me to add (or take away?) from the tags let me know! 
> 
> (BTW I got some more fanart! http://i-o-sin.tumblr.com/post/120825098124/practically-taking-from-the-fanfic-square-root-of)
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading!!!


	11. Multibear's Story

Dipper startled into consciousness with a gasp like a diver surfacing after a long ocean descent. He shivered dispite the heat of the air around him. The room was dark and for a brief moment he could not remember where or who he was. Then the memories crashed down on him and he sat up in panic.

Dipper reached gingerly for his stomach. He expected to find a gaping wound or pieces of intestines sticking out but the skin was smooth. The only sign that anything had been done to his body was the tenderness that made him flinch when he ran his hands along his abdomen.

He wrapped a bed sheet around him as he looked at his clock. 11:13 glowed back at him in the dark. He noticed Mabel’s bed was empty and figured that meant she must still be up. Then he remembered he’d locked her out. Hopefully she wasn’t too upset about that.

Careful not to make too much noise, Dipper made his way to the bathroom. It took a second for him to adjust to the lighting but once he did he locked the door behind him and let the bed sheet drop so he could examine himself in the mirror.

There wasn’t a scratch on him, well no scratches that hadn’t been there before. His hair and face were greasy with dried sweat but other than that he looked completely normal. Definitely not someone whose stomach had been ripped open by demon claws. Had it all been his imagination? Somehow he doubted that.

Dipper decided to take a shower since he was in the bathroom anyways. He felt surprisingly rested. After Michael had kissed him he’d been shaky until the point of nausea, in addition to the…heat. Now his hands were steady and his mind was calm. It was strange. Dipper thought he should be freaking out about what Bill had done to him or even the fact that Michael had implanted some sort of worm-parasite in his stomach but he felt kind of removed from the whole situation.

The shower didn’t last long. Dipper didn’t want to spend too much time thinking in case the shock wore off and he flew off the handle. When he was done he grabbed an old towel hanging behind the door and made his way back up to the attic. He dressed in comfortable clothes and then inspected his bed. As he’d expected there were some suspect stains on the sheets (although no blood, Dipper noted) and he stripped them off to carry to the laundry room where he quickly set and ran the washing machine.

That done, Dipper walked back through the hall. He paused outside of Bill’s room for a moment as he passed by. His heart fell to quivering in his chest the longer he stood there and Dipper opted to talk to Bill…later. Instead he made his way to the living room where Mabel was conked out on the couch in front of a flickering tv screen. The volume was turned down low so as not to wake Grunkle Stan.

Dipper flicked the television off and kneeled next to his sister, gently shaking her awake.

“Mmmmnyeeeh?” Mable groaned, rolling over. Dipper shook her shoulder again and she swatted at his hand.

“Mable.” He said finally and Mable grumpily sat up. He smiled at his twin’s adorably sleep depraved face.

“How’d it go today?” She asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Dipper shrugged.

“Alright.” He hoped she was still disoriented enough from sleep that she didn’t notice him avoiding eye contact. Dipper knew he was going to need some proof before he could convince Mabel (and Dale) that Michael was bad news. But telling her about what had happened was probably not the best way to provide that proof. Not to mention he did not want to give his sister more mental images she needed to bleach from her brain. “What about you? How was Bill?” Dipper changed the subject. Mabel’s expression darkened.

“Bill got angry at Waddles for like…no reason! He chased him around the yard and I had to tie him to the totem pole to get him to calm down. Then for the rest of the day he kept looking at my cook books for recipes involving ham.”

Dipper chuckled, imagining Bill tearing around the yard chasing after a pig. Mabel suddenly sat up straighter looking around in alarm.

“Waddles?” She called and then louder and more distressed: “Waddles!?” A grumpy snort sounded across the room and Mabel relaxed. The pig waddled over from where he’d been taking his nap to snuffle her hand.

“So…he didn’t disappear for a bit or act weird or anything?” Dipper pressed as he rubbed Waddles behind the ears. The pig let out an affectionate snort.

“Nope. Just went to bed kind of early...” She looked around again while answering. “Uh…don’t get angry but I kind of just left him in his room.” Dipper nodded, following her train of thought.

“You think he may have snuck out while you were asleep?” He asked. Mabel glared at him.

“If he did it’s totally your fault. You locked me out of our room and didn’t wake up when I knocked!” Mabel accused. Dipper looked at his feet sheepishly.

“I know. I’m sorry. I wasn’t feeling very well and I only meant to sleep for a few hours…” He told her before getting to his feet. He offered a hand to Mabel and pulled her to her feet as well.

“Should we go make sure he’s still alive?” He asked and Mabel nodded with a yawn. Dipper figured Bill might be less likely to talk about the more…intimate details of their latest encounter with Mabel around. Plus if he mentioned anything about Michael it would give Dipper some backup for his own opinions on Dale’s boyfriend.

They paced towards Bill’s room. Mabel insisted on knocking first before they creaked the door open. Dipper flipped on the light. Bill hadn’t changed the room much since he’d moved in. Mostly it was still used a storage room. Boxes of old taxidermy stuff from the museum were piled into the corner and unused furniture sat against the far wall. A healthy layer of cobwebs covered the rafters but everything appeared to have been dusted recently.

Bill’s cot in the center of the room was empty.

Dipper looked at his sister in surprise when she swore under her breath and kicked the ground. Mabel turned to Dipper with a frown in her eyes.

“I’m sorry Dipper!” She told him. “I was supposed to watch him but I just fell asleep!”

“Whoa! It’s okay. It’s like you said, it was my fault for locking you out of our room. Besides I didn’t expect you to stay up all night watching him.” Dipper reassured her.

“Yeah but…I still feel like he shouldn’t have got passed me…” She mumbled. Dipper wrapped an arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze.

“It was bound to happen sometime. We just need to figure out where he went.” Dipper said. Mabel raised her eyebrows at him.

“Dipper, it’s the middle of the night! I really don’t think it’s a good idea to go demon hunting in the middle of the night.” She had a point. “Why don’t we just wait until he comes back and confront him then?” She suggested. Dipper mulled the idea over. Based on their last conversation it was likely that Bill had gone to see Michael. He’d told Dipper he’d ‘take care of this’ and if that meant what Dipper thought it meant, well then maybe he wouldn’t have to worry about the Michael problem after all.

Of course, Mabel never would have approved of letting Bill hunt down Michael even if Michael was something supernatural. But Dipper didn’t know for sure what Bill was going to do. Besides it _was_ the middle of the night.

“Okay.” Dipper decided. Mabel yawned again.

“Good. Now I have a very important dream to get back to.” She gave him a wink before heading off to the attic. Dipper grabbed a book, knowing he would never get to sleep and sat down in the living room. It wasn’t until the clock read 3:45 am that Dipper finally gave up waiting for Bill and climbed the stairs to go to bed.

 

…

 

The next morning Bill still wasn’t back. Grunkle Stan was in a bad mood when he realized his favorite grifter had skipped out on work. Dipper heard him grumbling to himself as he made coffee about good-for-nothings and lazy kids and how it was none of his damn business if Bill wanted to sneak out in the middle of the night. I mean who was he? Bill’s father? No sir. Dumb kid could go get himself hit by a car for all he cared.

Dipper was starting to get worried too. He texted Dale to apologize for being “sick” yesterday and casually snuck in a question about how Michael was doing. Dale didn’t say Michael was in the hospital or missing or anything, so Dipper figured he was okay. Which meant Bill was off doing something else suspicious.

Unfortunately with Bill gone, Grunkle Stan made Dipper man the cash register in the gift shop. Meaning he couldn’t go looking for Bill. Mabel had offered to go instead but Dipper didn’t want her traipsing around the forest by herself.

It wasn’t until around dinner time that Bill made his return. He tramped in with muddy shoes and burrs caught in his t-shirt just as the other three were sitting down in the kitchen. They all stared at Bill who smiled his signature grin their way.

“And just where have you been? We were worried sick about you!” Mabel scolded in a stern tone. Bill blinked at her like he didn’t understand what she’d just said.

“I had some stuff to take care of.” He said as if it should have been obvious. Mabel frowned.

“Did you forget you had to work today? The deal was if you want to stay you work.” Grunkle Stan joined in the lecturing.

“I’ll be at work again tomorrow.” Bill told him.

“Oh yeah? And what? You’ll work until you have more ‘stuff to take care of?’ Then you’ll just take off without a word like today?” Stan snapped. Bill regarded him for a second then shrugged.

“You’ll get over it. So, what’s for dinner?” He said. Dipper and Mabel exchanged a shocked glance. Very few people had ever spoken to Grunkle Stan that way and they both braced themselves for the old man to blow up. But Stan didn’t get angry. He just looked kind of betrayed. Silently he stood and walked across the kitchen, placing his half-eaten plate of spaghetti on the counter. Then, sliding the garbage out from under the sink he took the leftovers that remained in a pot and dumped all the noodles into the garbage.

“Hey! What about my dinner?” Bill asked when he realized Stan had just disposed of the rest of the food. Stan shrugged at him, picking back up his own plate and fork.

“You’ll get over it.” He echoed Bill’s words before heading for the living room without another word. Mabel picked up her own plate to follow, giving Bill a shake of her head on her way by. Bill stared after them in confusion before sitting down in Grunkle Stan’s vacated spot.

“Geez, pine tree, your family is sensitive.” He commented as he reached over to grab some noodles from Dipper’s plate with his bare hand. Dipper swallowed. He’d thought he was ready to talk to Bill about what had happened last night. All day he’d had it planned out. He would approach the topic scientifically, matter-of-factly and not get embarrassed or flustered about it. He had nothing to be shy about anyways. It hadn’t been him, it was the weird…pink worm thing in his stomach that had caused the whole thing.

But now that Bill was here, Dipper’s heart was making double time and his hands were going clammy with sweat. He wanted to ask about Michael, about what Bill had been doing all day and about what he’d meant when he’d said he would ‘take care’ of it. But the room was suddenly feeling very small and Dipper was having trouble breathing.

He stood up, pushing the rest of his plate towards Bill who looked up at him in surprise. Dipper mumbled something about needing some air and then ran out of the room to the back door, ignoring the confused call of “pine tree” behind him. He ran passed the tree line at the edge of the property and into the woods until he found himself a path and stopped to take a breath.

Great. Now he had to be embarrassed about last night and about running out like an idiot. Dipper kicked at the dirt path in frustration. Why couldn’t he be more like Mabel? She could just up and talk to guys like it was no big thing. And if any of them crossed a line she set them straight. Seriously, where was that little Mable-voice in his head when he needed it?

Dipper heard a noise behind him and turned to look at its source. The sun hadn’t set yet but it was low enough in the sky to cast long dark shadows away from the trees. Clopping along the edge of those shadows was a brightly coloured creature with a jolly face. Dipper recognized it immediately.

The leprecorn spotted him and cocked its head to the side, eyes sparkling. Dipper backed up slowly as the creature opened its mouth and made a low hissing sound. Before it had a chance to lunge, he spun around and ran down the path. Of all the stupid, stupid things. Why did this always have to happen to him? And what the hell was up with this leprecorn?

Dipper came up to a bend in the path and decided to keep going straight. He wasn’t headed anywhere in particular but he figured the underbrush might slow the leprecorn down. Unfortunately, the beast was surprisingly nimble and the next time Dipper glanced back it had halved the distance between them. What a stupid way to die. Really. Of all the horrible monsters in this forest that could be the end of him, it had to be a frilly insane rainbow pony that killed him.

Suddenly the ground took a steep downward slant. Dipper tried to keep his balance but he had too much momentum and he fell forward, rolling head over tail until he came to a stop at the bottom of a rocky ravine.

Dipper lay there on his back staring up at the pinkish orange sky. As far as last things to see go, the sky at sunset was not a bad image. There was a skidding sound behind him and he presumed the leprecorn had caught up with him. He closed his eyes and braced himself for the inevitable impaling. A few horrible seconds passed as the leprecorn’s hooves clopped slowly closer. Then, without warning, a huge roar sounded somewhere to his left, like six or seven angry bears were bellowing simultaneously. Oh great. Now he was going to be eaten alive by a family of bears.

The sound of the leprecorn scampering off was drowned out by a bear snorting and scratching at the ground next to Dipper. He stayed perfectly still, hoping the bears would be satisfied with just an arm or something until he heard a sound like a muffled sob. Dipper opened his eyes and turned his head to see the multibear quietly sobbing into his paws.

“Multibear?” Dipper said, groaning as he tried to sit up. He was going to be hella bruised tomorrow.

“Dipper!” The creature exclaimed, taking him into his fuzzy arms and giving him a bone crushing hug. “You’re alive!” One of the bear heads by his armpit nuzzled into his side, tickling Dipper and making him laugh out loud.

“So far.” Dipper said, glad to see his friend who was most likely not going to eat him. The multibear let him go and sat back on its haunches. Dipper stood up and brushed the dirt from his clothes and hair.

“You should not lock horns with the leprecorn.” The multibear advised when he was done.

“It locked horns with me!” Dipper said indignantly at the suggestion that he had somehow tempted the leprecorn into attacking. Then he took a breath and forced himself to calm down a bit. “What is its deal anyways?” The multibear sighed.

“It is restless. All the forest’s denizens are restless today.” He told Dipper. They started walking along the bottom of the ravine. Dipper assumed his friend knew the way back to a path of some sort.

“Why?” Dipper asked.

“There was a meeting. A man came to the forest with a proposition.” Proposition? Now that sounded like someone he knew.

“Bill.” Dipper breathed. Well at least that answered one question. The multibear raised his eyebrows, all fourteen-ish of them.

“You know him?” He asked. Dipper nodded.

“Unfortunately. What did he want with you guys?” He pressed. He didn’t have a good feeling about this.

The multibear thought for a moment. “There is a barrier that surrounds the town and forest-“

“Is that the one that keeps the demons…er…angels out?” Dipper interrupted. The multibear’s eyebbrows raised again.

“You know of it?” He asked in surprise. Dipper nodded. The multibear cleared his throat before he continued. “Well, the man – Bill you called him? – wants to destroy it.”

“What? Why? What good would that do? Bill’s already inside the barrier.” Dipper thought aloud, then paused. “What did he offer you guys in exchange for destroying it?” The multibear’s main head shook.

“You misunderstand.” He said. “He was offering to take down the barrier in exchange for our allegiance.” Dipper’s eyes grew wider.

“Allegiance! Wait, why would you guys want the barrier destroyed?” Dipper asked.

“It hinders us, our magical abilities cannot grow to their full extent inside.” The multibear explained.

“Like what? Without it you would have even more bear heads? The manotaurs would be even more manly?” Dipper said. The multibear’s head chuckled.

“Not quite like that.” He said. Dipper was almost skipping as they walked. He was so excited about finally receiving some answers. He should have come to the forest much sooner. This was more than he’d gotten out of Bill all summer.

“Why is there even a barrier anyways? Who made it? Is it just to protect you from angels?” Dipper asked, nearly tripping over his own feet in giddiness. He caught himself and tried to calm down.

“Ah, so you do not know the story.” His friend said. Dipper shook his head. “It is our origin story, how the nephilim were created.” The multibear paused. “The nephilim are-“

“Magical creatures like you.” Dipper finished for him. The multibear nodded.

“Yes we are the descendants of the offspring of an angel and a human.”

Dipper nodded along, he knew that already too.

“There are different versions of the story. The angel is usually named Samyaza and the human is Istehar. In my mind Samyaza is a male and Istehar is a female but some believe it is the opposite. Some have even said that the angel is neither male nor female but merely a being of pure energy.”

Dipper’s ears perked up. That sounded familiar.

“Either way the story always begins the same, with the two falling in love…”

 

…

 

_“Istehar! Istehar!” A glowing pentagon floated through the forest. His shouts startled the birds out of their nests. “Istehar!”_

_“Sam, you are too loud.” A woman answered. She was standing barefoot in a stream, bent over to collect water in a large clay jug. She stood as the pentagon approached and shook out her long silver hair, tying it back with a piece of leather._

_The pentagon danced around her excitedly. “Look! Look!” He said as he waved his hands. A squirrel leaning next to the stream suddenly started to shake. His skin peeled back and all the pieces of his body started to separate, sorting themselves into floating categories by function. The pentagon looked excitedly at Istehar._

_Istehar frowned and shook her head as if she had seen this kind of thing many times before._

_“Put it back, Sam.” She ordered. Sam’s single eye blinked and he waved his hands again, returning the squirrel to its original form. The squirrel gave a loud startled chitter before skittering off into the forest._

_“You didn’t like it?” Sam asked, a pout in his voice. Istehar sighed and rested the full jug against her hip._

_“It was very…impressive.” She said, much to Sam’s delight. He shrunk in size and flew into the jug, splashing water on Istehar’s dress._

_“Sam!” She scolded as he stuck out of the edge of the jug, arms draped over the lip._

_“Oops! Looks like I got your clothes wet. Guess you’ll have to take them off to dry.” Sam told her cheekily. Istehar rolled her eyes and flicked Sam back into the jug._

 

_…_

 

_It was almost a year later and Istehar was lying on a hill of thick grass. Her stomach was swollen beneath her dress. A man in white with curly hair approached and lay down next to her. Istehar groaned._

_“This is so uncomfortable!” She complained, rolling over onto her side. The man grinned at her and placed both hands on her stomach lovingly._

_“Soon you’ll be wishing they were back inside you instead of out in the world where they cry and fall and skin their knees.” The unmistakeable voice of Sam said from his human vessel. Istehar laughed._

_“No amount of skinned knees could ever make me want that!” She said, placing her hands on top of his. The angel smiled and bent towards her and they shared a long kiss._

 

_…_

 

_A girl with lion-like arms and legs and black wings sprouting from her back ran around a cabin, giggling. Her lion’s tale snagged a cup on the table and Istehar dove to catch it before it smashed to the ground._

_“Ceres! Enough! Come and help me bathe your brother.” Istehar scolded. The giggling sphinx child came over to her mother and peered into the wash basin. A serpant-like creature flicked its tale at her, splashing Ceres with water and causing her to hiss in return._

_“Lotan!” Isthehar scolded the dragon in the basin before handing Ceres a towel to dry herself with. All three turned to look at the door as Sam opened it._

_“Daddy!” Ceres cried, dropping the towel (much to Istehar’s displeasure) on the ground as she ran to her father. Sam’s wince as the girl hugged his leg didn’t escape Istehar’s notice._

_“Ceres, go dry Lotan off in the other room.” She told her daughter who grumbled but accepted the swaddled dragon from her mother and carried him into the other room. Sam watched them with a fond smile on his face and waited until they were out of sight before limping towards a chair and collapsing on it._

_Istehar hurried over and rolled up the leg of his pants, cringing at the bruised and bloodied knee. She returned to the wash basin to get a clean cloth and began to wash off Sam’s wound. He tried to muffle his hiss as she cleaned._

_“Was it the other watchers?” She asked. Sam didn’t reply but that seemed to be all the reply Istehar needed._

_“How did they find us?” She said as she wrung out the bloody cloth. That question too went unanswered. There was a moment of stressed silence as Istehar and Sam regarded each other._

_“Istehar…” Sam finally said. She turned away as if already knowing what he was going to say. “We can’t keep running. We have to fight, there are others-“_

_“Don’t!” She cried, slamming her fist on the counter. A tear ran down the side of her cheek and she repeated the word, softly this time. “Don’t.” Sam stood shakily and walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders._

_She leaned into the safety of his arms knowing it wouldn’t last._

 

_…_

 

_The chaos of war swam around Samyaza but he did not feel it, did not see his comrades, his fellow watchers and the nephilim, fighting the other angels. All he saw was the woman lying in his arms lifeless, her long silver hair soaked in blood, spilling through his fingers as he cradled her._

_They were losing._

_He would die. His friends would die. His children would die. Was there nothing he could do? Frustrated tears fell from his eyes onto his lovely human’s corpse. An idea struck him. He did not know if it would work but he had to try._

_Sam’s body glowed and crackled as it returned to its old shape. Slowly he rose, leaving Istehar’s body behind. He grew larger, at first unnoticed by the angels fighting around him. When they finally saw him they shot their attacks at him, cracking holes and fissures in the bright pentagon of his body. Sam didn’t react. It would not matter soon anyways._

_As he rose he muttered words and started to glow red with the power of the spell. He grew more and more until his shape blocked out the heavens. A tear welled in his eye as he ended the spell. His last thoughts were of his children and of his lovely Istehar and her laugh._

_Then the pentagon shattered, scattering comets of light that crashed across the earth._

 

_…_

 

“Wherever the light landed became a place those without human blood could not travel.” The multibear explained. “Some say Samyaza built the limits on nephelim power into the spell to promote harmony between humans and the nephilim, while others say the other angels somehow altered it.”

“But why did the other angels care so much whether some of the watchers loved humans?” Dipper asked. A lump had formed in his throat while the multibear had told him the story but he refused to let himself even think of crying. The multibear shrugged.

“To them it was a great sin. The watchers had been given the job of keeping an eye on humanity and instead of just doing their jobs some of the watchers gave in to their lust for the humans. They sullied their blood by mating with beings beneath them.” He explained. Dipper felt like grinding his teeth. That was stupid. To start a war over something as simple as that!

He thought about what the story meant. It sounded like Bill wanted to build some sort of nephilim army. But if the barrier around Gravity Falls came down, did that mean other angels would come to attack? And when Bill had said Michael “wasn’t an incubus” did that mean he was some kind of angel? If Dale had invited him into Gravity Falls then that would explain how he got around the barrier. But why was he here? To stop Bill? To kill the nephilim? There were too many questions and it seemed as if only Bill had the answer to most of them.

“Are you guys going to let him destroy the barrier then?” Was the question Dipper chose to voice out loud.

“I imagine there are many who would have the barrier come down. They may think the power it will afford them will allow them to defend themselves against any angels that still harbor hate towards them.”

“What about you?”

“I…” The multibear paused, bear heads sniffing the air. “…would rather not see my friends get hurt.” Dipper nodded. Not only would more power be extremely dangerous in the hands of some of the denizens of the forest but Dipper also had friends among them, multibear included.

Dipper hadn’t noticed that he and the multibear had stopped walking but now as he looked around he thought he recognized the path they were on.

“Say…” Dipper started as another question occurred to him. “Do you know of a like, big pink worm that when it bites you makes you want to uh….mate with someone?” He blushed slightly as he asked.

“I have not heard of such a creature.” The multibear replied. Then his expression changed as if a thought had dawned on him. “It might benefit you more to ask a member of your own species about such things.” The main head looked down a Dipper with a somewhat quizzical expression. “I did not know your species matured so late.”

Dipper’s blush deepened as he realized how what he’d said had sounded and he started to splutter. “I didn’t mean…I wasn’t referring to….uh nevermind.”

“I could tell you about the process for multibears if you would like. You see when a young multibear comes of age he will notice a few changes-“

“No! No, that’s okay.” Dipper hastily interrupted.

“Are you sure? The multibear is a majestic and fascinating creature and it might help you gain some perspective on your situation.” The multibear offered again.

“No really. That’s okay.” Dipper insisted. He did not want to know about the inner workings of a multibear’s puberty.

Dipper looked around them again. He definitely knew where he was now and how to get back to the Mystery Shack. The multibear and he exchanged hugs and Dipper thanked him for saving him from the leprecorn. Then he set out for the shack, stride full of purpose.

He had someone he needed to talk to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez Dipper. "Big pink worm" is a really weird thing to name your dick. 
> 
> Sorry this chapter took a while! I was debating between having the Istehar and Samyaza story be mostly expository or having it be an actual story and wrote both. I decided to go with the latter (even though it does delay the BillDip goodness a bit more). Hopefully it makes sense in this format. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!! (And thank you for all the lovely comments! 'U')


	12. Not My Boyfriend

Dipper knocked when he entered Bill’s room, not wanting to catch the demon in a compromising position. Although Bill would probably invite Dipper in no matter what he was doing, just to see the look on his face. Lucky for Dipper, Bill was only lying on his bed reading Dipper’s grimoire.

“Do I need to be worried about you trying any of those spells?” Dipper commented after clearing his throat and standing awkwardly in the center of the room. Bill peered at him from over the top of the dusty book. His bad eye was half closed and it looked like Bill had removed his prosthetic.

“Well would you look at this, one of the pines family has deemed my presence worth noticing enough to talk to me. What have I done to deserve such an honor?” Bill said sarcastically as he glared at Dipper with his good eye.

“Are Grunkle Stan and Mabel not talking to you?” Dipper guessed at the reason for Bill’s speech. Bill scoffed.

“Why would I care if they spoke to me or not? Heck, it would be nice if they shut up once in a while!” Bill grumbled. Dipper resisted the urge to laugh. Bill was definitely angry about being ignored.

“You know if you apologized they would start talking to you again.” Dipper walked over and sat carefully on the end of Bill’s bed. Bill subconciously moved his feet to accommodate.

“For what? It’s not like I made a promise never to go out for a day. I don’t even get what they’re angry about!” Bill put the grimoire down on the nightstand and crossed his arms, a ridiculous looking pout on his face.

“Well that’s what happens when people care about you.” Dipper explained. Bill raised his eyebrows at that.

“Pine tree, you know I’m a demon right?”

“Grunkle Stan doesn’t know that! And Mabel used to cry when I killed mosquitoes.” Dipper said. Bill’s pout dropped as his usual grin returned.

“Ha! Humans. You’re bleeding hearts will be the end of you.” He laughed and Dipper wasn’t sure if he meant that literally or figuratively.

Dipper flopped back on the comforter with a huff. He needed to get the conversation back onto what he’d come to talk about.

“I visited one of my friends in the forest. He told me about the angels and the nephilim and the barrier around gravity falls.” Dipper rolled onto his side to see Bill’s reaction but the blonde’s face didn’t change.

“Oh?” He said, as if bored with the topic already.

“So does that mean Michael’s like you?” Dipper continued. A dark, murderous look flashed across Bill’s face.

“We are not alike.” He growled. Dipper’s heart lurched.

“I-I just meant that you are both angels or demons or whatever…” Dipper stuttered. Bill’s face relaxed.

“Yes. I’m surprised I didn’t recognize him actually.” Bill said in a calmer voice. Dipper raised his eyebrows and propped himself up on an arm. Now here was some information.

“So you know him?” He asked eagerly but Bill brushed him off.

“I know lots of people, pine tree.” Bill answered, good eye glittering.

“Ok, but then why is he here? Why are _you_ here? The multi-uh…my friend said you want to take down the barrier. But why? What would you get out of it? Are you trying to raise a nephilim army?” Dipper rambled off some questions. Bill leaned forward on the bed, grinning at Dipper.

“What will you give me if I answer?” He asked. Dipper shifted backwards on the bedspread, uneasiness seeping into his stomach the closer Bill got to him.

“…what do you want?” Dipper immediately regretted the question as Bill’s good eye widened and his teeth glinted. He leaned even more forward and Dipper’s hand shot out to stop him but he grabbed it in his own cold grip and pinned it back against the mattress so that Dipper was looking up at Bill looming over top of him. In the back of his head an annoyed voice wondered why he was always being pushed down onto things.

“Oh, I can think of a few things.” Bill cooed out the suggestive answer. Dipper’s face tingled with blush and could feel his body starting to heat up but he grit his teeth behind his lips. He was not going to give in to this stupidity.

“Oh my god!” He griped, wriggling around and trying to use his free hand to unpin himself from Bill’s grip. Bill rolled his eye and let go just at the right moment so that Dipper slid off the bedspread and landed his butt on the floor. Dipper’s blush ignited into a full blown red and he rubbed his bruised tail bone as he spun around to look at Bill.

“What the hell! Why are you always like this?” Dipper glared at the smirking blonde. Bill stretched lazily and propped himself up on one elbow.

“Like what?” He asked casually.

“Like…like the touching….uh…and stuff…” Dipper trailed off, trying really hard not to think of what he was thinking of now and Bill lying on his side smirking at him with one hand draped over his hip was not helping!

Bill let Dipper sweat for a few seconds before sighing. “Look, pine tree. I’m a big fan of the ‘if it feels good, do it’ philosophy and let me tell you, watching you squirm feels _very_ good.” Bill hadn’t moved closer to Dipper at all but Dipper could feel the way his good eye travelled over his skin, like caressing hands. He could not supress the tingling shiver that bloomed along his spine.

“Besides…”Bill continued, looking at Dipper with eyes half-lidded. “I haven’t heard any complaints from you.” Dipper winced. This was the reason he hadn’t wanted to talk to Bill about this. He noticed too much.

“Yeah, well I’m complaining about it now!” Dipper snapped. Bill laughed.

“I’m still not really hearing it kid.” He said. Dipper was pretty sure blood was going to have to come pouring out his ears one of these days just to make room for all of it rushing to his face. He picked himself up off the floor and crossed his arms, making a point of meeting Bill’s eye and stupid grin. Dipper didn’t want to show signs of weakness.

“I’m going to figure out why you’re here Bill.” He threatened. Bill continued to grin.

“Oh I don’t doubt it.”

With nothing left to say Dipper turned and left the room, feeling Bill’s eye tracing down his back as he did. When he’d closed Bill’s door behind him, Dipper let out a sigh. That had gone alright. Not great since he hadn’t really had any questions answered but it could have been more painful. That excitement was building in his chest again, probably from getting closer to solving this mystery. And most certainly not because a charming blonde, one-eyed kid had just been unabashedly coming on to him.

No, certainly not. That thing about him not complaining? Of course the second time was because of that parasitic worm thing and the first time? Well the first time he’d been taken by surprise, obviously! And it wouldn’t be happening again, no sir. The first thing Dipper was going to do was look for a protection spell, maybe something to do with chastity, to fend Bill off.

Dipper paused at the bottom of the stairs to the attic, remembering the grimoire was still in Bill’s room.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would go get the book and look for a protection spell.

 

...

 

Dipper was horribly groggy when he woke up. He’d been having trouble sleeping, his brain waking him up every couple of hours to remind him of the past couple of days’ events. When he did manage to get some shut eye his dreams were filled with a mass of blood and eyes and wings. He’d finally rolled out of bed at 8:30 am with blood shot eyes and a dry mouth.

Luckily this was nothing a little coffee couldn’t fix.

He burned his tongue on the first sip but after adding a little more milk, Dipper drank down the warm brew quickly. The caffeine wouldn’t kick in for at least a few minutes but the heat in his stomach helped knock the sleep from his head. As Dipper poured himself another mug he tried to sort out his thoughts.

Michael was an angel/demon. He had threatened Dipper and attacked him…albeit in kind of a bizarre ~~(sexual)~~ way. Dipper didn’t know why he was here but obviously he was dangerous. But what could he do about it? Dale wasn’t going to believe him, not without proof anyways. Mable would probably believe him if he told her about what had happened but that was _not_ going to happen. Maybe he and Wendy could come up with some kind of plan? Dipper sighed loudly and took a sip of his coffee. He was glad Bill knew about Michael, otherwise he’d probably be thinking he was just going crazy. Why couldn’t things be like the old days when you saw something supernatural and dangerous and just went out to fight it head on? When there was none of this ‘boy who cried wolf’ crap going on or dancing around people to keep from embarrassing yourself.

Dipper was deep enough in thought that he didn’t hear Bill enter the kitchen. It wasn’t until the demon had rested his chin on Dipper’s shoulder and was breathing warm air into his ear that Dipper even noticed Bill was there.

“Have any pleasant dreams last night, pine tree?” Bill whispered, making Dipper’s neck tingle, before snaking by him to grab a cup of coffee.

“N-no.” Dipper mumbled, taking a quick step away from Bill and spilling his own coffee down his shirt as he did. Bill chuckled into his mug and leaned against the counter, satisfied with the mess he’d caused.

Before Dipper could head back upstairs to change into an unstained shirt, Mabel came skipping into the kitchen.

“Sleepover party! Sleepover party!” She sang, dancing around the two boys. Dipper smiled despite the bad mood Bill had put him in.

“Let me guess, you’re having a sleepover party?” Dipper guessed and Mabel squealed a yes as she spun in a circle. Dipper grinned. “Is it at Grenda’s or Candy’s place?”

“Neither, it’s here! And Pacifica’s coming too!” Mable answered and Dipper’s grin fell. He groaned.

“Oh man, does this mean I’ll be sleeping with the coyotes tonight?” He complained.

“You can always sleep in my room.” Bill piped up, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“That’s a great idea!” Mabel agreed, obviously over her anger at Bill. She’d never been one to hold a grudge anyways.

“I’ll take my chances with the coyotes.” Dipper said, frowning when both Bill and Mabel shook their heads as if to say that Dipper was being unreasonable. He was about to say something else when they heard Grunkle Stan’s voice calling from across the house.

“If any of you ungrateful brats wants to keep on sleeping in my house I suggest you get your butts to work!” He shouted. Mabel and Dipper looked pointedly at Bill, who met their gazes and then sighed.

“Alright, alright. I’m going.” He grumbled, putting down his coffee cup and heading out of the room. Dipper was tempted to follow, just to see what Bill would look like being humble and apologizing to Grunkle Stan but he had more important things to be doing. Mabel grabbed his arm before Dipper could walk off.

“You know we’re not really kicking you out of the room right? We can always just sleep in the living room.” She said. Dipper knew she was feeling really guilty about letting Bill out of her sight the other day and she was probably feeling worse since Dipper had filled her in on the nephilim/angel business last night. He’d left out the bits about Michael of course and continually reminded her that it wasn’t her fault that the protective barrier around Gravity Falls might be coming down but she’d still been frowning about it when she’d fallen asleep.

“And make Pacifica sleep on the floor?” Dipper did an impression of Pacifica gasping in horror and Mabel snorted despite herself. “It’ll be fine. One night on the couch won’t kill me.” Mable nodded, letting the excitement take her over again.

“This is going to be so much fun!” She sang. Her hands began busying themselves in the cupboards and Dipper used the moment of distraction to slip away. Mable was probably going to cook herself something strange for breakfast and it was always best to vacate the disaster area before Mable got started.

Dipper quickly ran upstairs to change out of the coffee stained shirt into a (mostly) fresh one. Then he pulled out the list of things Grunkle Stan wanted him to do today. Most of the items were maintenance stuff that Soos usually did. Some items were kind of suspicious though. Like one required him to sit on a park bench and wait for someone to come up to him and say a series of code phrases that Dipper would have to respond to with other code phrases. The person would then supposedly leave a briefcase on the bench and Dipper was supposed to pick it up and bring it back to Stan. Dipper figured he’d be better left in the dark about whatever the deal was with that particular item.

He ended up being thankful for the excuse to get out of the house though, since at about half past noon the screaming started. Why did girls have to greet each other with screaming? As soon as they came tumbling out of Grenda’s truck, Candy and Grenda screeched and ran into Mabel’s open arms. Pacifica, of course, stepped out of the back seat looking too cool to participate in such shenanigans.

“What no limo?” Dipper asked as he began to haul the girls’ suitcases up to the attic. She shrugged.

“I figured I should try to slum it. Since I’ll be staying here and all.” Pacifica clipped. Dipper rolled his eyes.

“Pacifica!!” Mable shrieked and Dipper just managed to dodge the three girls as they caught Pacifica up in their hug. She made a show of making a horrified face and telling them to get off of her but Dipper saw her faintly smiling when she thought no one was looking.

By the time evening rolled around the noise had dropped off just enough for Dipper to get some reading done. He figured he’d start seeing if there were any protective spells in his grimoire.

Bill’s door was open when Dipper crept inside and flipped on the light. The room was empty but Dipper’s grimoire was still resting on the night stand. He picked it up and fingered the musty pages while he wondered where Bill had gone and hoped it wasn’t anything to worry about. A shrill laugh coming from the attic told him otherwise.

Dipper tucked the book under his arm and made his way upstairs to investigate. No one turned to look at him as he walked into the bedroom. All four girls were fussing around Bill as he sat cross-legged on the floor. Mabel was applying eyeliner while Candy and Grenda blow dried Bill’s hair which had been rolled into multiple curlers. Pacifica sat on Mabel’s bed, supervising.

A second glance at Bill made Dipper realize Bill was wearing his clothes. He had on a pair of Dipper’s old jeans that had been stained and torn badly, a pink t-shirt with a cat on it that Dipper kept around only because Mable had made it for him, and a leather jacket he had bought secretly on a whim and then never had the guts to try and pull it off.

Mable took a step back to admire her work. The smoky eyes actually looked good with Bill’s tanned skin but Dipper would have married a gnome before he said that out loud. The three other girls applauded Mable’s efforts as Grenda turned off the blow dryer. Candy started getting to work taking out the curlers.

“What are you doing?” Dipper asked when no one acknowledged he’d come in.

Bill’s ‘hey pine tree’ was drowned out by Mable’s answer. “Makeovers.” Then she sighed. “Don’t you have any other cool clothes bro? It would be nice to have some options…” Candy tugged at one of the curlers that had become badly tangled on Bill’s head.

“There’s nothing wrong with my clothes!” Dipper said indignantly. Mable just shook her head and gave everyone the ‘I apologize for my brother’ look. There was a ripping sound and Candy fell back slightly as the curler came loose with a chunk of blonde hair attached. She gasped.

“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry Bill!” She cried, holding out the curler. He took it and inspected it with a grin.

“That’s okay.” Bill told her. Candy relaxed a little behind him, relieved he wasn’t angry.

“Didn’t that hurt?” She asked after a second. Bill turned his head towards her, grin still on his face.

“Yes.” He said and Dipper saw Candy recoil slightly at his creepy smile.

Pacifica stood up to adjust Bill’s hair so that the missing lock couldn’t be seen and Bill leaned into her touch as she ruffled the locks out to give it a messier look. Dipper glared at Bill in warning. Mabel’s friends were off-limits. Dipper did not want to have to deal with another Wendy and Bill situation. When the girls were done fussing they made Bill stand up and pose for them.

“How do I look?” He asked. The girls shouted out compliments but Bill’s eyes were on Dipper. Eventually the others looked at him for his opinion too. Dipper quickly looked away at the wall and shrugged.

“S’alright I guess.” He mumbled.

“He’s right. It’s missing something.” Pacifica said with a tut, reaching in to adjust the collar on the leather jacket. Dipper frowned at her hands.

“Man I really wish we had more clothes to dress you in!” Mabel complained again. “I’d go ask Grunkle Stan but I don’t think he has anything from this century.”

“You could dress him in some of your clothes.” Grenda suggested. Dipper winced as Mabel squealed.

“That’s a great idea!” She cried, already starting towards her dresser. Clothes were thrown half hazardly across the room as Mabel looked for the perfect thing. Finally she came across something blue that she shoved into Bill’s hands and then pushed them both into the closet.

Dipper sighed and sat on his bed, resting his book next to him. He wasn’t waiting to see Bill. He just wanted to make sure none of Mabel’s friends were going doe-eyed for him. Without him there one of them could end up trading their soul for something.

Bill emerged a few minutes later to a resounding chorus of ‘oohs.’ The blue dress had an almost Grecian drape to it that flowed straight from the top, hiding any evidence that Bill might be male. Bill had also chosen to keep the leather jacket on, hiding the sharp angles of his shoulders. In short, he was the vision of a beautiful young lady, ready for an evening out.

Mabel turned on some music to give the fashion show some flare and an upbeat pop song came on. To the girls’ delight, Bill did a few twirls, letting the dress flare out slightly at the bottom. Then he caught Dipper’s eye and a very dangerous look came over his face. Dipper swallowed as Bill walked towards him, an excessive sway in his hips. He leaned close enough to Dipper that he could smell something minty on his breath.

“Care to dance?” He asked in a sultry tone. Dipper’s mind went blank for a second as he looked into Bill’s eyes. The prosthetic today shimmered silver like a discoball. Luckily his head must have been paying attention because it was already shaking from side to side.

“No.” Dipper managed to choke out after a second. Bill pouted but Dipper could see the grin still in his eyes.

“Booo.” Mabel called. Dipper’s eyes snapped to her and she looked back with a mischievous smile. His attention was brought back to Bill as the demon put a hand on Dipper’s shoulder.

“Just one dance…”Bill whined, thumbing the neck of Dipper’s t-shirt. “Pretty please?” He fluttered his curled eyelashes at Dipper and Dipper had to look elsewhere to keep with mouth from going dry. He just barely registered the song changing to one with a heavier and faster beat.

“No thank you.” Dipper said more firmly, brushing Bill’s hand away from his shoulder. Bill’s eyes narrowed, flashing angrily.

“Oh! This is my jam!” Grenda shouted suddenly, jumping to her feet. The attic floor creaked as she started to dance, humming along to the tune. Then she grabbed Bill’s arm and yanked him into a spin. The look on Bill’s face almost made Dipper laugh out loud. It was nice seeing him terrified for once.

Grenda slipped one hand around Bill’s waist and led him in time with the music. It only took Bill a few seconds of fumbling to catch onto her moves. Dipper had to admit her dancing was pretty impressive and it was certainly far better than Dipper could ever do. They ended on the final note of the song with Grenda holding Bill in a low dip.

Mabel and Candy erupted into applause and Grenda grinned while she let Bill up. Bill quickly moved out of her reach, looking a little shook up. Dipper couldn’t help smirking but his smirk soon fell when he noticed the dark look on Pacifica’s face as she glared at Grenda. A warning bell went off in Dipper’s head and he sincerely hoped the young heiress hadn’t fallen for a demon.

“I am hungry.” Candy said after she’d finished fawning over Grenda’s mad dance skillz[™](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trademark_symbol).

“Oh! I made something really good earlier!” Mabel said, starting towards the bedroom door. Grenda and Candy exchanged a look. As Mabel’s best friends they too had been subjected to her cooking disasters. But they dutifully began to follow Mabel despite the risk for stomach pain later. Dipper shrugged and stood up to stretch, he could probably use something to eat.

The six of them made their way down to the kitchen. To Dipper’s amusement Bill kept shooting nervous glances at Grenda as if he expected her to grab him again. Mabel grabbed a casserole dish from the fridge that looked like vanilla and chocolate pudding had been glopped overtop of some kind of crumble? As far as Mabel’s cooking went it actually didn’t look half bad.

“What _is_ that?” Pacifica asked doubtfully. Mable failed to stifle a giggle.

“It’s called….sex in a pan!” She said, giggling at the scandal. Dipper groaned internally, knowing Bill was going to have a heyday turning that name into innuendos. He helped his sister hand out plates and spoons for everybody and timidly tasted the dessert himself. The chocolaty glop didn’t taste bad at all. It definitely had some cream cheese and pudding in it and the crust was some kind of cookie. Dipper did get a mouthful of unmixed powder from the instant pudding but once he mixed it in a bit more it tasted good.

“This is really good!” Candy said and the rest of them agreed. Mabel grinned, blushing happily.

“Oh!” She cried suddenly. “I forgot the sprinkles!” Mabel kept her sprinkles on the top shelf to help herself not get sick from eating too many. Grenda noticed where Mabel was looking and spoke up before she could grab herself a chair to stand on.

“We’ll get them!” Grenda said, nodding to Candy who nodded back knowingly.

“Let us form…CANDY-TRON!” Candy and Grenda said the last word together as Grenda picked Candy up and seated her squarely on the taller girl’s shoulders. At this new height Candy could easily grab the large tin of sprinkles. She made robot deactivation noises when Grenda put her back on the ground and handed the sprinkles to Mabel. Dipper snorted.

“Candy-tron? Not Grenda-tron?” He asked.

“Grenda-tron is when Grenda is on top. I can only last for a couple of seconds though.” Candy explained. Bill put down the plate he was licking with a lewd grin.

“Oh? You can only last a few seconds when Grenda is on top?” He snickered, suggestively waggling an eyebrow. Dipper shouldn’t have been surprised. Bill had been strangely quiet on the lewd joke front tonight. Grenda and Candy turned to look at him seriously.

“Oh no Candy! He’s uncovered our secret affair.” Grenda said with mock horror.

“Yes, now we will have to kill him.” Candy told her. Bill’s ears perked up at the word ‘kill’ and he started to notice them inching closer towards him. His eyes darted around in alarm, looking for an escape but Grenda pounced before he could make a run for it. She held his arms as Candy reached out to tickle him. Shrill laughter filled the kitchen while Bill tried to wiggle out of Grenda’s grip.

Mabel and Dipper cracked up a bit at the sight but Pacifica had pursed lips and her eyes narrowed.

“Okay, okay. That’s enough.” Mabel stepped in when it sounded like Bill could no longer breathe. As soon as Grenda released him he scrambled across the kitchen, putting Dipper between him and the two girls like a shield. Dipper almost couldn’t contain himself. An indestructable creature like Bill scared of two humans and their tickle attacks, who would have thought?

They all took a second to calm down. After which Grenda said seriously: “But of course, even if I get married and have tons of babies. Candy will always be first in my heart.”

“Hoes before bros.” Candy agreed, giving Grenda a hug. Mabel frowned.

“What? Now I’m jealous!” She said, crossing her arms. Grenda swung one of her free, muscular arms around Mabel and pulled her into the now group hug.

“Don’t think there isn’t room for you in here too!” Grenda said. “And Pacifica, you too!” Pacifica gritted her teeth and took a step back.

“No….” She started but Grenda pulled the whole group towards her, accidentally hitting the casserole dish on the counter. The dish toppled to the floor, shattering glass and sending pudding everywhere, the majority of which got on Pacifica’s white jeans.

“Oh my gosh! Pacifica I’m so sorry! Here, let me get something.” Grenda apologized, face a bright red. She grabbed some paper towel off the kitchen counter and started rubbing at Pacifica’s thigh, smearing the chocolate pudding. That was when Pacifica snapped.

“Get away from me, you big ugly DYKE!” She shouted, smacking Grenda’s hand hard enough to hear the slap.

Nobody moved for a couple of seconds. Everyone just looked kind of shocked. Even Pacifica looked surprised by what had come out of her mouth. Mabel was the first to react.

“Get out.” She said in a low quiet voice. Pacifica recoiled.

“Mabel you don’t have to-“ Grenda started but Mabel interrupted.

“Get out!” Mabel said again, loud and firm. Her eyes held a kind of angry fire that was rarely seen in the female Pines twin. Pacifica’s lip quivered slightly before she set her expression into a sad scowl.

“Fine.” She muttered, stomping out of the room. They heard the noise of her running up to the attic and a few seconds later the noise of her dragging her suitcases down the steps. Pacifica walked by without looking at any of them but Dipper was pretty sure he saw tears falling down her cheeks. The door slammed shut behind her.

Mable took a deep breath to calm herself down. “I’m so sorry about that Grenda.” She said. Grenda shook her head, her cheeks still pink with embarrassment.

“That’s okay! It wasn’t really much of an insult anyways. I know lots of lesbians and they’re all really nice people.” She said. Mabel brightened.

“That’s right! And everyone knows you’re drop dead gorgeous!” Mabel encouraged. Candy nodded along.

“And you are so muscularly defined!” Candy added. Grenda smiled at her friends but her eyes look tired. Dipper wondered how many times she’d had to deal with insults the one Pacifica had gave her.

There was an awkward pause as everyone kind of just looked at floor. Dipper finally cleared his throat.

“Well how about I clean this up and you guys go back upstairs?” Dipper suggested.

“Oh no! I’m the one who broke it!” Grenda protested. Dipper waved her away when she bent to pick up some of the glass.

“No, no.” He insisted. “It was an accident, besides you didn’t come here to mop our floor. You guys came here to giggle about boys and have pillow fights and stuff.” Mabel half-snorted at Dipper’s vision of a girl’s sleepover.

“You heard the man!” She said as she pushed her two friends out of the kitchen. “Be careful of the glass.” She shot Dipper a look of thanks before they rounded the corner. Dipper smiled in return. He knew Pacifica’s outburst was probably going to need a bit more than a few compliments to mend. But Grenda was in good hands.

Bill looked mildly pleased with the chaotic developments. He started after the three girls but Dipper caught his arm.

“Not you.” He said. “You can help me with this.” Bill’s expression didn’t change but he stopped and took the damp towel when Dipper handed it to him. They cleaned in silence for a bit before Dipper heard a crunch and turned to look at Bill. He had chocolate smeared all over his face.

“You’ve been licking it off the floor haven’t you?” Dipper asked, not surprised anymore. Bill nodded. Dipper sighed. “Spit out the glass.” Bill spit out the shard he’d been crunching on onto a section of the floor Dipper had already cleaned.

“What would happen if I swallowed it?” He asked curiously.

“It would probably cut open your throat and your intestines and stuff.” Dipper answered, throwing the spit covered glass into the garbage. Then, realizing what he’d just said to Bill, he looked over to see Bill trying to fit another large shard in his mouth. Dipper had to wrestle it away from him and quickly banned Bill from cleaning duty.

When Dipper had finally finished cleaning and taken out the broken glass to the recycling bin he went into the living room and flopped down on the couch. Bill was sitting so close to the tv screen that it must have hurt his eyes. He turned and stared at Dipper for a couple of seconds, as if thinking of something.

“Can I help you?” Dipper asked when the stare started getting creepy.

“What’s a dyke?” Bill questioned to Dipper’s surprise. You’d think an all-knowing demon would be up to date on slang.

“It’s another word for lesbian. It can be kind of derogatory.” Dipper explained. Bill gave Dipper another confused look.

“I’m guessing that word doesn’t mean ‘from Lesbos’ anymore?” He asked.

“Lesbian? No, it means…like a woman who likes other women, romantically.” Dipper said, making a wavy gesture for the word romantically because obviously that would clarify things. Bill nodded slowly, something clicking into place for him.

“Oh that’s right. You humans are always so obsessed with your breed-able pairings.” Bill said, standing up to slide off Dipper’s leather jacket. Dipper could see the thin straps of the dress cut into his shoulders slightly, showing that it wasn’t quite Bill’s size. Without the jacket Bill looked more masculine but the outfit still seemed to fit him somehow. Bill crossed the room until he was standing over Dipper. Dipper sat up a little in case he needed to bolt.

“Is that why you keep lying to yourself about how much you like it when I touch you? Would you prefer it if I was a girl, pinetree?” Bill grinned while Dipper’s ears lit up with blush.

“Okay, first of all. I’m not lying to myself about anything. And second of all…hey…HEY!” Dipper cried. Bill had swiftly thrown a leg over Dipper and sat himself in Dipper’s lap, making Dipper heat up in places besides his ears.

“It certainly didn’t sound like you weren’t enjoying yourself the other night.” Bill smirked then opened his mouth again and to Dipper’s absolute horror he heard his own voice, whiny and out of breath coming from Bill’s throat. “M..more….Bill. Bill…please…PLE-“ Dipper smacked both his hands over Bill’s mouth to cut off the sound.

“Yeah…uh….how about we pretend that never happened and never talk about it ever again?” Dipper suggested. Bill blinked and Dipper jerked his hand away as Bill’s tongue licked his fingers, warm and wet. Bill grabbed Dipper’s hands, interlocking their fingers and Dipper tried his best to push back but Bill was strong. Ridiculously strong for a guy with a slight enough frame to fit into one of Mabel’s dresses.

Bill leaned forward, pushing down on the front of Dipper’s jeans and making his breath catch in his throat. His face was probably bright red, like it was ever any other colour when he was in Bill’s presence and Dipper cursed himself for allowing Bill to get him so…worked up.

“How about we do some things that are even more fun?” Bill purred. “We can even have some real sex in a – hrk!” Bill was yanked off Dipper by the back of his dress. Dipper was simultaneously relieved that Bill hadn’t been allowed to finish his corny joke and mortified that his Grunkle Stan had just witnessed Bill in a dress grinding against him.

“I’m pretty sure I made myself clear about the rules on googoo eyes but apparently I have to be more specific.” Grunkle Stan lectured, still holding onto Bill. “There will be no hanky panky under my roof.”

If God existed Dipper sincerely hoped he would find it in his mercy to send a meteor to kill him right now. Bill, of course, didn’t let the set back dampen his spirits. He grinned at Stan.

“Hey now, there’s plenty of Bill to go around! No need to be jealous!” He elbowed Stan in the side. If it had been Dipper he would have blushed some more and ran out of the room but Grunkle Stan just stared at Bill, completely unimpressed. Then he shook his head.

“This is what I get for allowing young people and their hormones into my house.” He muttered. “Look, just go to your room and don’t come out for the rest of the night.” He gave Bill a shove towards the hallway. Bill left the room with a wink of his discoball eye in Dipper’s direction.

“And don’t ruin Mabel’s dress or you’ll be buying her a new one!” Grunkle Stan shouted after him. Dipper could hear Bill cackling.

Stan gave Dipper a once over and then with a sigh walked into the kitchen. Dipper heard the sound of the fridge opening and closing and then the sound of a beer can cracking open. He swallowed a few times, his mouth suddenly dry, before following his Grunkle.

Grunkle Stan sat down at the kitchen table with a quiet huff and took a long sip of his beer before breaking the silence.

“So I take it this means things didn’t work out between you and the Corduroy boy?”

Dipper’s eyes went wide and then he groaned, collapsing into the chair opposite to his Grunkle and burying his face in his arms.

“Why does everybody know about that!?” He mumbled into the table. Grunkle Stan chuckled. Dipper sat back up and stared at the wooden table, tracing the swirls with a finger.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Stan asked when Dipper didn’t say anything else for a while. “I’m sure I could find that “Why am I so sweaty?” book. I know I read it to you ages ago but it was kind of geared towards a certain direction and I’m sure I could make some adjustments…”

“Uh no…that’s okay.” Dipper had heard all about that book from Mable and it sounded like Dipper was better off having skipped that bonding experience. “Are you…are you going to tell my parents? ‘Cause they’re already pretty mad at me and Mabel for not applying to school in the fall and I’m pretty sure mom has this fantasy about having like two dozen grand children and dad-“ Dipper rambled before Grunkle Stan shooshed him.

“Kid, what happens in Gravity Falls stays in Gravity Falls. I won’t be saying anything to your parents…unless you want me to. For the record though, I’m pretty sure they don’t care about you or your sister’s love lives as long as you are happy. And, you know, not turning tricks on a corner in New York for cocaine money.”

Dipper laughed and let his muscles relax. He should have known Grunkle Stan wouldn’t freak out over something like this. I mean, this was the same man who had been legally married to a mechanical bronze statue after all.

“Can’t say I approve of your choice in men though. Trust me when I say this Dipper, Bill’s some bad news.” Grunkle Stan added.

“We’re not together!” Dipper rushed to clear up the misunderstanding. A dark look flashed across Grunkle Stan’s face and he put his beer carefully on the table.

“You telling me he was doing that against your will?” Stan started to stand up, looking like he was about to tear something or someone apart.

“No! Well…sort of…I mean! It’s complicated.” Dipper tried to calm his Grunkle down. Stan took a look at him before lowering himself back into his seat.

“I trust you Dipper. But let me know if you need me to _enforce some rules_.” Dipper nodded, glad to have avoided that confrontation. Bill might be an insane demon with magical powers but in a fight against Grunkle Stan, Dipper couldn’t be sure who would win.

Grunkle Stan and him decided to play cards for a few hours. Which was nice because Dipper had once again left his grimoire upstairs and he didn’t want to interrupt any private discussions going on up there to get it. Grunkle Stan headed off to bed around midnight and Dipper found a blanket in the front hall closet to wrap himself in as he lay on the couch. He fell asleep an hour later to the soft sounds of late night infomercials coming from the tv.

 

…

 

Candy and Grenda left by noon the next day, each giving Mabel a big hug on their way out. The girls slept in pretty late except Mabel who had to get up to show Bill how to remove his makeup and scold him for going to sleep with it on. He began work in the gift shop with his hair curled up in a way that Mabel said was cute but it reminded Dipper of all the cowlick problems he’d had before getting into the habit of wearing his hat.

After lunch Mabel and Dipper decided to go out and buy Grunkle Stan a replacement casserole dish. Stan probably wouldn’t have noticed but it felt wrong to not do anything. Mabel was strangely quiet the whole time. Dipper could guess what was bothering her.

“You still upset about Pacifica?” He asked as they climbed back into the car to drive back. Mabel pursed her lips then sighed.

“Yeah. Do you think I was too hard on her? I just…I was so mad. And Grenda didn’t need that.” She explained. Dipper nodded, starting up the car.

“I think you did the right thing. We made it pretty clear a long time ago that if Pacifica wanted to be friends with us she’d have to watch her attitude and she was way out of line.” Dipper agreed. A worry line was starting to form between Mabel’s eyebrows.

“But that was so…out of character for her. Like, I know she can be pain in the butt sometimes but it’s not really like her to explode like that.” Mabel had a little more of a handle on the Northwest girl than Dipper did so she was probably right. Pacifica had always had a knack for feeling out social situations and acting appropriately. It did seem pretty unlikely that Pacifica would say something to turn a whole room against her.

“Dipper….Dipper stop!” Mabel grabbed his arm suddenly and Dipper slammed on the breaks, glad there wasn’t anybody behind them. Driving in small towns had some advantages.

“What is it?” Dipper asked looking around and hoping he hadn’t run over a squirrel or something. He soon saw what Mabel was looking at.

Pacifica was sitting on a bench about a block ahead of them. Her two suitcases were beside her and her hair was looking frizzy like she’d slept on it. Dipper noticed she was still wearing the same chocolate-stained jeans as yesterday.

“Did she not go home?” He wondered aloud. Mabel looked just as confused as he was. Dipper pulled the car over slowly, parking on the side of the road and Mabel was out of the car before he’d popped up the emergency break. He quickly unbuckled and followed his sister.

“Pa-“ Mabel started but Pacifica saw two people round a corner from the opposite direction and waved to them.

“Tanya! Madison!” Pacifica shouted running towards them and pulling both girls into a hug. Both girls leaned away from her as if she had really bad body odor. “I’m glad you got my message! This is kind of embarrassing but I was hoping I could ask one of you for a favor? You see I got in this fight with my parents...and well they kind of kicked me out….So I was wondering if I could stay with one of you? I won't take up much space! You can just put me on the couch or something...“ Pacifica rambled. Pacifica rarely rambled.

The two girls looked at eachother. “Look Pacifica,” One of the girls, the one with long magenta hair, started. “We don’t want to…associate with you anymore.” A confused look flashed across Pacifica’s face.

“…what?” She asked hesitantly.

“Ugh. Just stop it okay? Don’t call us, don’t talk to us, don’t pretend we’re friends. Just enough okay!?” The second girl said. Pacifica flinched slightly.

“I…I don’t understand. Why are you guys saying this?” Pacifica asked in an uncharacteristically small voice. The girl who'd just spoken snapped.

“Don’t play stupid. We know all about you getting kicked out of school!” She growled. Pacifica’s face paled. “Oh yes, we know what you did to your roommate. You’re disgusting!”

“I-I don’t…” Pacifica stuttered.

“I can’t believe we were ever friends! We had sleepovers! I _changed_ in the same room as you!” The magenta haired girl said, making a face like she’d just been asked to eat a cockroach.

“Just leave us the fuck alone!” The other girl shouted.

“Yeah. At least have the fucking decency not to pull us into your sick lifestyle.” The magenta-haired girl added. Pacifica’s lip quivered. She looked more helpless than Dipper had seen her in ages. He turned to Mabel to say something and caught the look of rage on his sister’s face. She balled her fists and walked swiftly towards the three girls.

“Pacifica!” She called as she approached. Pacifica’s eyes doubled in size when she saw Mabel. She looked like she was about to be sick.

“Oh look it’s the beard.” Tanya (or was it Madison?) snickered. The other girl gave Mabel a disgusted once-over. Mabel turned towards them coolly.

"Don't you two have somewhere better to be? Like sueing your plastic surgeons for those botched nose-jobs?" She asked in a polite tone. The girl who'd made the comment about Mabel let her jaw drop but quickly recovered and looked ready to do battle. Luckily her friend was bit more civil minded and pushed her to leave.  
  
"Just ignore them." Dipper heard her whisper and both of them turned to walk away, muttering what could only be more insults between them. Mabel returned the snub, turning to Pacifica instead.  
  
"Are you alright?" She asked softly. Pacifica tried to blink away the tears but they spilled over anyways and soon she was sobbing into Mabel's shoulder. Mabel and Dipper coaxed her into following them to their car for a little more privacy and Mabel sat with Pacifica in the back seat while she cried it out.  
  
It took her a good while to stop crying. Dipper was sent out twice. Once for a box of tissues and the second time for ice cream cones. Pacifica complained about the cheap taste but ate all of hers anyways. Finally she managed to calm down enough that she could breathe normally. Her face was still red and her makeup was ruined but she looked a little relieved.  
  
"So...I'm guessing you heard all of that." Pacifica started with a hiccup. Her eyes flicked between Mabel and Dipper in the front seat as they waited. Dipper gave her a slight nod in answer to her question. She sighed.  
  
"While I was away at school...I met this girl. She was really cool and funny and had great style." Pacifica looked down at the mountain of tissues in her lap. "She hated all the pomp of like, the wealthy society but she was so good at it. It was like whenever she entered a room, even the artwork turned to stare. And I was so..." She trailed off and made a gesture with her hands as if that was the only way to describe how she'd been feeling. "A-anyways...one day my roommate was supposed to be out and I invited her over. And then my roommate walked in on us...kissing...and it spread so fast! It was like I went to sleep and when I woke up everyone had decided they hated me." She paused again to blow her nose noisily into one of the tissues. "Eventually the rumours got back to the school administration and they called us both down to the office. When they confronted us I admitted to it right away. I think I had some stupid notion that we would run away together or something. But then she...she told them I had threatened her. That I'd use my influences.." Pacifica hiccupped and her face flushed with red as she tried not to lose control again.   
  
"Oh Pacifica." Mabel pulled the blonde girl into another hug, her own eyes brimming with tears.   
  
"But if you like girls, why did you freak out on Grenda last night and call her a dyke?" Dipper asked. Mabel gave him a dark look but he ignored her. Pacifica didn't just get to be friends with them when it was convenient for her. She needed to be responsible for the way she treated people, even if she was going through a pretty awful time. Pacifica nodded slowly.  
  
"I was so...humiliated whenever the girls at school made fun of me. Like anytime I wore pants with my uniform instead of a skirt they went crazy over it. I couldn't even walk a certain way or they would use it against me. And then last night Grenda was...she was dancing and she was totally unfazed at being paired with Candy...I just snapped. It wasn't fair! She was doing all these things that I couldn't...and I....I'm so sorry Mabel. I didn't mean to ruin your party." Pacifica explained sadly.  
  
"Me too!" Mabel reciprocated the apology. "I shouldn't have made you leave. Did your parents really kick you out?" Pacifica's expression darkened and she nodded.  
  
"They wanted to send me to an institute. To fix me. I refused to go." She said and then groaned quietly. "None of this would have happened if I was just normal to begin with!"  
  
"You are normal!" Mabel protested. "I mean, even Dipper just found out he likes boys!" They both turned to look at him in the front seat.  
  
"I don't like-" He started but Mabel gave him an exasperated look. "Okay, yeah I like guys..." Dipper grumbled, blushing slightly. Pacifica looked a little surprised by his confession but she covered it with another nose blowing.  
  
"The real problem is figuring out where you should stay. I'd say you could stay with us but we're kind of full at the shack." Mabel continued, thinking.  
  
"That's okay! I can think of something! My parents may have cancelled me credit cards but there must be someone out there who'd be willing to take in a Northwest." Pacific told her. Mabel seemed to be ignoring her.  
  
"Alright I've got it! Dipper, turn the car around and head left at the first light." Mabel ordered, buckling herself up. Dipper did as he was told.  
  
"Mabel you don't have to-" Pacifica protested but Mable waved her off, giving her a comforting pat on the shoulder.

Mabel gave Dipper orders and he soon realized where they were going. Pacifica was pretty quiet the whole time, sniffling once in a while but she seemed to regain her composure. When Dipper pulled into the driveway she looked like she recognized where they were and her face started to pale again.

“Mabel…” She said quietly.

“It’ll be okay.” Mabel promised but she waited until Pacific nodded before leaving the car. Dipper watched her walk around Grenda’s truck as she made her way to the front door. Pacifica winced slightly when Grenda came out, avoiding eye contact even though Grenda probably couldn’t see her well through the car windows. Mabel started talking, gesturing to the car and starting to tear up again.

“So….you like guys?” Pacifica commented, trying to distract herself. Dipper made a “mneeyeh” kind of noise and she cracked a slight smile. “Aren’t gay guys supposed to be better dressers?” Dipper rolled his eyes.

“Aren’t lesbians supposed to not care about fashion?” He countered. Pacifica laughed.

“I guess neither of us are very good at being queer.” She said, looking a little sad in Dipper’s review mirror.

“Yeah we’re much better at being actual people than stereotypes.” Dipper turned to grin at her. He wasn’t really as good as Mabel was at these kinds of things but Pacifica gave him a half smile and he figured he probably wasn’t making things worse. There was a few seconds of silence before Pacifica spoke again.

“So…is that Bill guy like, your boyfriend?”

Dipper choked on his spit. “No!” Pacifica raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment. Dipper wondered if Mabel had made some kind of comment last night to give Pacifica that idea. Or maybe…Bill did? Man he was going to have to set that guy straight sometime soon.

They both turned as they heard Mabel shout Pacifica’s name. Pacifica’s smile fell and she looked torwards her and Grenda nervously.

“You know Mabel will look out for you, right?” Dipper said. Pacific nodded and took a deep breath before getting out of the car and shutting the door behind her. She walked up to the two other girls and said something Dipper couldn’t hear but he guessed it might be an apology.

Pacifica let out a yelp as Grenda hugged her, lifting her off the ground and Dipper grinned. She was going to be okay. Dipper couldn’t imagine what it would be like if he didn’t have Grunkle Stan or Mabel’s support and he was glad he could share that with Pacifica.

He ducked out of the car as the three girls approached to help Pacifica with her bags. She was crying again but this time the tears looked like they contained relief instead of frustration. Grenda took the bags from him, lifting them easily and led the way to the guest room. Dipper slid an arm around Pacifica’s shoulder and after a few seconds Mabel copied the gesture from the other side, giving the blonde a reassuring grin.

Pacifica would be okay. The twins would make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Edit***: Woops forgot a bit at the beginning there. Re-read!
> 
> Augh! Updates are going to be a little slow for a bit. My summer job is starting and it is murdering me. But I promise I am spending all the time I'm not sleeping or at work writing! 
> 
> This chapter had some delicate topics and I wanted to make sure I showed them properly. I'm not sure if this kind of thing needs tags? Let me know if you feel I should add a tag.
> 
> More beautiful fanart:  
> http://raenngu.tumblr.com/image/121809680776
> 
> Thank you for reading!! I'm going to go pass out now.


	13. Three Questions

When Dipper arrived at home he put the glassware in the kitchen cupboard, right where the last casserole dish had been, and it was as if nothing had been broken. Mable had decided to stay at Grenda’s to help Pacifica adjust, so he was alone for the afternoon. Well…not entirely alone.

Dipper peaked into the gift shop where Bill was leaning over the cash counter examining his fingernails and sighing in boredom. Dipper had worked enough shifts in the shop to sympathize. Maybe he’d go and keep the demon some company. Dipper was feeling pretty good about having helped out Pacifica earlier. He might as well spread some of the hospitality around.

The little bell jingled when Dipper entered the store and Bill perked up, grin spreading across his face when he saw who it was.

“Pinetree! Just the loser I was hoping to see!”

Amazing, only four seconds and Dipper was already regretting this.

“You up for some _excitement_ tonight?” Bill continued with a wink. Dipper must be getting used to Bill’s insinuations because he barely felt himself blush at all this time.

“Why?” Dipper asked, knowing he shouldn’t feed into Bill’s jokes but controlling his curiosity had never been one of his strong suits.

“I need your help with something.” Bill said in a hushed voice. Well that was simultaneously intriguing and worrying.

“I thought I already taught you how to use the microwave.” Dipper teased, chuckling at his own joke. Bill’s eyes narrowed at him but he didn’t lose his grin.

“No, not with that. This is something you’ll find interesting. It has to do with removing the barrier.” Bill explained. The wheels in Dipper’s head were already spinning. Did that mean the forest residents had agreed to a deal with Bill? He imagined all the ways in which Bill could possibly remove a magical barrier – incantations, spells, a magical sledgehammer…

“And you need my help?” Dipper tried his best to sound bored but he could tell from the stretch in Bill’s expression that he had failed. Bill knew he was intrigued.

“It’s something only a human can do.” Bill answered, leaning over the counter again and putting his fists under his chin. Dipper’s mind ran away with the new information. He could already feel his fingers itching to write more about the barrier in his journal. But he also remembered what it would mean to have the barrier around Gravity Falls collapse. It would mean more angels, more beings like Bill and Michael, could come and attack the creatures living in the forest.

“…I don’t think I should help you.” Dipper told Bill, somewhat reluctantly. Bill made an open-mouthed frown.

“Why not? I could make it worth your while…” Bill sang the last part, leaning even farther over the counter. Dipper unconsciously took a step back and looked at the floor, willing himself not to be tempted.

“I don’t want my friends to get hurt.” He said truthfully. Bill scoffed.

“Your _friends_ are the ones who want this!” He told Dipper, emphasizing the word ‘friends’ with heavy sarcasm. Dipper shook his head, meeting Bill’s gaze again.

“Maybe they don’t understand what they’re giving up!” Dipper argued. “I know first hand a deal with you doesn’t usually end up as planned.” Bill smiled like he’d been given a compliment. “So I’m not helping, and that’s final.” Bill was silent for a couple of seconds as he studied Dipper’s face.

“Guess I’ll just have to ask your sister to help then.” He said with a sigh. Dipper knew it was a threat but he wasn’t about to give in. Besides, Mabel wasn’t stupid. She’d know Bill was up to no good.

“Guess you will.” Dipper’s voice was nonchalant and he saw a shadow flash over Bill’s face. The little bell over the door rang and a couple of tourists enterred the shop, looking around in awe. Bill gave Dipper one last stare down before turning towards them and giving them the generic ‘welcome to the mystery shack.’ Dipper used the distraction to escape into the house.

Ugh, now his mood had been soured. That was what he got for trying to be nice to Bill. The house suddenly felt too stuffy. The muffled voices of tourists arriving in their cars, feet and tires crunching on the gravel could be heard through the open windows and Dipper knew it would be even worse in the attic.

Dipper paced around at the bottom of the stairs for a few more minutes before making his decision. He raced upstairs to get his backpack and twenty minutes later he was alone in the woods.

Navigating the underbrush came easy to Dipper. He’d spent enough summers getting lost that eventually he’d started to gain a sense of direction. There was always a map tucked inside his backpack though, just in case.

Right now he was headed for the outskirts of Gravity Falls, hoping to find some evidence of that magical barrier. He didn’t need Bill to investigate it. For some reason the buzz of insects and other critters milling about the forest floor felt less encroaching than the noises of people outside the mystery shack. He was calmer out here in the forest, less antsy. The animals were just doing their thing and Dipper was just doing his.

A strange noise interrupted the flow of Dipper’s thoughts and he stopped. After thirty seconds of silence he was about to shrug it off but it came again, a high pitched wail somewhere to the north of him. It sounded kind of like a cat when you pulled its tail.

Dipper headed towards the sound, jogging over roots and bushes. After a couple of minutes he approached a clearing and slowed down to assess the situation. Someone in a white t-shirt was hunched over in the centre, poking at the thing that was screaming. Once at the edge of the clearing Dipper could make out the familiar pointy hat of a forest gnome. The figure in the white t-shirt was holding it down with one hand and flicking a lighter with the other. When the lighter caught he brought it close to the squirming gnome until the creature’s beard caught aflame. The gnome shrieked, his face blistering and the smell of burning hair reached Dipper’s nostrils.

“Hey!” Dipper shouted, stepping out of the brush. A pair of dark blue eyes flicked up at him and the figure stood up, crushing the gnome’s foot under a thick black boot as he did.

“Well if it isn’t the little paranormal investigator.” Michael said, putting all his weight onto the gnome. It screamed again, clawing at the black leather.

“Let him go.” Dipper growled, fists tight at his sides. Michael smirked at him but stepped off of the gnome. It scrambled away from him, dragging itself as quickly as it could from the angel. Dipper wished he could follow but Michael’s gaze kept him rooted to the spot. The blue eyes slid over him, making him feel grimy and itchy.

“I see you didn’t stay _distracted_ for long.” Michael said in a low voice. The inside of Dipper’s ears felt like they were shivering. He swallowed.

“What the hell do you even want!?” Dipper’s voice strained on the question. A sick grin spread along Michael’s lips and he took a few steps forward. Dipper backed away automatically until he felt a tree behind him, blocking his path of escape. He probably couldn’t have run for it anyways. The sound of Michael’s boots crunching on the ground as he neared Dipper made him cringe and his heart beat wildly. When he was close enough, Michael placed a hand on his shoulder digging his nails through the sleeve of Dipper’s t-shirt until they bit into his skin.

“It looks like I will have to take more…severe measures with you.” Michael said, ignoring Dipper’s question. Dipper winced as Michael’s nails dug in deeper, sending a shot of pain into his shoulder. Then suddenly the pain was gone and Dipper blinked to see Michael had taken a few steps away from him. A scowl briefly crossed the angel’s face before it blanked into a pleasant smile. Dipper stared in confusion, his heart beating in his throat.

“Hey Mike, I figured out how to get back-“ A voice called from behind Michael and Dale stumbled into the clearing, shaking twigs from the bushes off of his hiking boots. “Oh! Dipper! Hey….what are you doing here?”

“I….I….” Dipper stared at Michael who stared back with an innocent expression, like he was daring Dipper to say something. “I…was just out for a walk…” Dipper managed to choke.

“Yeah? Us too! Mike wanted to see some of the supernatural stuff I always talk about so I decided to show him around the forest. We haven’t seen anything yet though.” Dale chattered. Dipper grit his teeth, thinking of the poor injured gnome Michael had been torturing.

Michael kept his eyes on Dipper as he slipped a hand around Dale’s waist and pulled him close to whisper something in his ear. Dale blushed and let out a few giggles, pushing against Michael’s face while the angel nuzzled his neck. Bile rose at the back of Dipper’s throat.

“I think we’re going to head back soon.” Dale said, ducking his head apologetically. “But I’m glad to see you’re feeling better!”

It took Dipper a few seconds to remember what Dale was talking about. His stomach itched when he did, just below the belly button.

“Yeah….me too...” Dipper mumbled, returning the little wave Dale gave him before the two turned to head back home. Michael’s hand slid from his waist and hooked a pinky finger through a loop in Dale’s jeans. He looked back over his shoulder at Dipper with a slight smirk.

“Dale!” Dipper half-shouted before he realized what he was doing. Dale turned back to him with a tilted head. Dipper’s throat convulsed as he tried to swallow.

“Uh…Mi….I mean…Mabel and I have been missing having you around the shack…” He coughed. “Bill’s a real prick you know.” Oh god. What was he even saying?

Luckily Dale didn’t question his bizzarre outburst. He laughed. “I miss you guys too! Don’t worry. Michael’s only in town for two more weeks and I promised I’ll pick up more shifts when he’s gone.” Dipper heard the ‘two weeks’ echo a few times in his head. Dale blushed after a few seconds and gave Michael an apologetic look, having realized he’d just promised to hang out more with his ex-boyfriend once his current boyfriend was gone. Michael just smiled calmly down at him, the picture of understanding. Dipper was definitely going to be sick.

“Okay…see ya later.” Dipper said with another wave, straining himself to smile. The two waved back before heading out again into the brush. Dipper wanted to punch Michael, pick up Dale and take him somewhere where Michael’s creepy claws couldn’t fiddle with his belt loops. But knowing the kind of power the guy had, that would be suicide. Worse, it would probably result in Dale’s murder too.

A small sob caught his attention and Dipper remembered the gnome. A few feet into the underbrush from the clearing he found the creature. It was curled up on the ground, cradling its leg and crying. Dipper felt another layer of rage being added to his already less than steller opinion of the angel.

“Hey there little guy…” Dipper cooed softly, reaching out a hand towards the gnome. It cringed when it noticed him and tried to scramble backwards. “It’s okay, it’s okay…” Dipper hushed. The gnome hissed and chomped down on Dipper’s fingers with tiny pointed teeth. He winced but held himself still so as not to startle the creature. After a few seconds it tentatively released its bite and Dipper was able to slowly pick it up, being careful of the injured leg and face.

“You want something to eat?” Dipper asked, reaching into his backpack with his free hand. He pulled out a chocolate granola bar and unwrapped it with his teeth. The gnome snatched it and gave it a sniff before digging in, leaving little bits of granola all over Dipper’s shirt.

Dipper wondered if he should bring the little guy home. They always had a full first aid kit due to Dipper’s adventurous tendencies. But he didn’t think he could set a broken leg, and judging by the odd angle the gnome’s foot sat at in Dipper’s arms it was definitely broken.

So instead, Dipper headed in the opposite direction, cradling the gnome carefully. When the creature had finished his granola bar he gnawed on Dipper’s hands, leaving tiny bite indents in the skin but nothing deep enough to draw blood. When Dipper saw the fungi getting thicker he knew he was close. Dipper rounded a tree trunk and then stopped in surprise.

“What the hell?” He asked no one in particular as he took in the spectacle.

Standing between the trees was what looked to Dipper like a giant furry robot. Upon closer glance it appeared to be a giant scurry of squirrels all stacked on top of each other. Jeff, the self-declared leader of the gnomes was standing at its feet.

"Okay, now...just like we practised!" He said. The squirrel-giant shuddered and lifted one enormous foot. Before it was able to take a step though, something happened and the whole thing started to sway off balance.

"No, no...hold on! Just- AH!" Jeff yelled as one of the squirrels in the load-baring leg started to panic. Its neighbours started to freak out too and the entire thing shook with panicked squirrels. Dipper braced himself and the squirrel assembly exploded, raining squirrels down on Dipper's and the gnomes' heads. Dipper felt their little claws scratching his back and he had to take off his hat to shake one of the furry creatures from it.

When all the squirrels had dissipated into the forest, Dipper approached Jeff. The gnome was coughing up brown fur.

"Stupid squirrels." He muttered, straightening himself out. "Oh...hey there..." He said when he noticed Dipper. "Uh...this was just...it was..." Then he noticed the injured gnome. "Craig! What did you do to Craig, you monster!?" He stared accusingly at Dipper and Dipper rolled his eyes.

"It wasn't me." He explained as he placed the injured gnome carefully on the grass. Jeff whistled for a few more gnomes to go get a first aid kit. Once they had, they started spreading something green and foul smelling on the gnome's blistered face. The gnome sighed in relief.

Satisfied that Craig was in good hands, Dipper turned back to Jeff. "I know who did this. You guys need to be on the lookout for him. His name is Michael and he looks like a human but he's not."

"Oh, you mean the hunk with the blue eyes and weird magic? Yeah we've noticed him." Jeff said. Dipper raised his eyebrows, wondering just what they’d noticed Michael doing in the woods.

"He's really strong." Dipper continued. Jeff nodded knowingly.

"Hey, you don't have to tell me twice." He replied. "We gnomes always get picked on if we're found alone. But find us in a group and wham!" Jeff hit his fist against his palm for emphasis. “We’ll just make sure no one strays too far from the group. Problem solved.” Dipper doubted the giant gnome assembly would cause Michael much trouble. 

“And maybe if you see that guy out here again, you can let me know?” Dipper tried. Jeff narrowed his eyes.

“Oh I see how it is. You want us to be your watchdogs. You want your own little gnome network, huh?”

Dipper shrugged.

“Well you can forget it! We only look out for our own kind and unless your sister has changed her mind…?” Jeff paused to look up at Dipper hopefully.

“Man, you _know_ she has no interest in you!” Dipper reiterated for maybe the thousandth time.

“Just checking!” Jeff replied innocently. “Then I’m afraid we aren’t going to be your spies!” Jeff crossed his arms. Then as if he’d had an afterthought he spoke up again. “Thanks for saving Craig though. That was a really decent thing to do.”

“No problem.” Dipper sighed and pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose. “Look…just keep an eye out okay? And stop trying to train those squirrels to fight people!”

 “Oh, don’t you worry.” Jeff said in a low voice as he started to rub his hands together and his face darkened. “Don’t you worry.”

Yeah, Dipper was going to worry about this.

He checked one last time to make sure Craig was okay. The two gnomes helping him out were now binding his leg in some kind of leaf and mud cast. Craig gave him a little wave and Dipper smiled, returning it before he headed back out to the forest.

Dipper wished there was something more he could do to help. The gnomes had been a pain in Dipper’s (and Mabel’s) backside sure, but they weren’t bad guys. At the very least they didn’t deserve to be lit on fire.

There had to be something he could do. Dipper ran over his anti-Bill measures he’d attempted to implement and wondered if he could adjust them to use on Michael. Or maybe he could research a way to make the gnomes more….powerful….

_Oh god damnit!_

Dipper smacked a hand to his forehead. Of _course_ that would be the answer.

He groaned, shuffling his feet back in the direction of the Mystery Shack. Dipper was not looking forward to the look on Bill’s face when he got back.

 

…

 

Apparently Dipper was looking less forward to the look on Bill’s face than he’d thought. The expression was a cross between ‘I will murder your family and feed them to you’ and ‘I told you so’ which evened out to an ‘I told you I would murder your family and feed them to you’ look. The few tourists in the gift shop at the time, promptly put down the merchandise they were perusing and fled out the door.

“No, we can’t just take off right now.” Dipper told Bill when he’d made that suggestion.

“Why not? There’s nobody here!” Bill whined, gesturing to the now empty shop.

“You still have to work when the shop is empty!” Dipper retorted. Bill pouted but the pout kept breaking back into a grin. The rapid switching made Bill look even more insane. “If you ask Grunkle Stan nicely he might give you tomorrow off.” Dipper suggested, just to get Bill to stop.

Bill perked up. “Okay! Watch the counter for me, will ya?” Bill said, already halfway out the door. Dipper sighed and took a seat behind the counter.

Bill returned an hour later with popsicle in his mouth. “He said we could have the afternoon off if you helped take inventory in the morning.”

Dipper glared at him.

“What?” Bill asked, an innocent look on his stupid, popsicle juice smeared face. Dipper left without a word.

They managed to finish all the work Grunkle Stan had for them around noon the next day. So, after a quick lunch, the two headed out into the forest.

Bill led him into an area he didn’t recognize and Dipper soon realized he was alone, out in the woods, with a psychotic demon. Something had seriously gone wrong with his survival instincts lately. But despite the increased probability of ending up dead, the day was quite pleasant. The weather was clear but not too hot and there was just enough of a breeze to keep the insects away.

Bill’s form moved swiftly ahead of him. He was wearing a loose yellow tank so he was pretty easy to spot amongst the vegetation around him. He was quite nimble but every once in a while he’d slip on a rock or something and try to play it off as if he meant to do it. Like now, just as Dipper started up the hill that Bill was already half-way up, he heard a noise and looked up to see a tree branch wack Bill in the face. Dipper stifled a laugh while Bill glared at the branch. A few seconds later the whole tree went up in blue flames.

Dipper hurried over to make sure the fire went out. Luckily the tree had been a small one and by the time he got to it, it was already a pile of ash.

“We’re here!” Bill called out from the top of the hill without pausing for Dipper to catch up. Dipper hoofed it over the crest of the hill and stopped beside Bill, leaning over to catch his breath.

Below them was a small glade, overgrown with weeds and grass. In the center was some kind of a stone monument consisting of five thin pillars sticking out of the earth. Each one was only about the height of Dipper’s shoulders.

Dipper felt an ominous kind of weight as he and Bill crept into the clearing. The leaves on the trees around them rustled but he could no longer feel any wind. The stillness almost made it hard to breathe.

“What is this?” Dipper asked in awe.

“A tomb.” Bill said, grinning as Dipper balked and stopped his approach. Bill kept walking forward, examining the small pillars without touching them.

“Whose is it?” Dipper questioned, even though he was pretty sure he knew the answer. The Multibear’s story was already floating back to him.

“A very stupid demon’s.” Bill answered as he kicked as the grass around the odd grave.

“Okay…and why are we here?” Dipper frowned in dissaproval at Bill’s desecration.

“We need to take these tethers and move them.” Bill explained, pointing to the five pillars.

“Tethers?” Dipper prompted Bill to continue. He fished around in his pocket for his tiny notebook so he could do a quick sketch. He’d copy it down into his journal later.

“Yeah. See, these pillars tie down magic that’s connected to points on the outskirts of Gravity Falls. The magic bounces between them, creating a kind of net that covers the area. The barrier is just the edge of that net. Really it’s not even a barrier at all. We’re going to take these pillars and move them to their corresponding points and overload the system.” Bill explained.

“How will it overload the system?” Dipper asked, furiously writing down the notes.

“Like…the magic will be moving faster the closer the two points are.” Bill tried to make a shaking gesture with his hands but stopped when he saw the wheels in Dipper’s head turning. Dipper pictured it like a ball bouncing between two walls. If the walls were moved closer together the ball would bounce more quickly. In real life the ball would just stop bouncing eventually.

Dipper nodded when he was pretty sure he understood. Bill looked pleased and Dipper felt a little spike of pride that he’d been able to catch on so quickly.

“And you need a human because…?” He asked.

“The tethers are protected against me.”

“Because you’re a demon.” Dipper guessed. Bill’s grin widened again, giving Dipper the affirmation he needed.

Dipper paused. So really, Bill did need him. _To move the pillars._ Dipper quickly added, cutting off whatever direction his mind had wanted to go with that. He snuck a look at Bill as the blonde walked around the pillars, burning back some of the weeds. Dipper wanted to help. Not just because he kind of wanted to see more of this magic in action but also because he wanted the nephilim in the forest to be able to protect themselves. But he wondered if he couldn’t get something more out of this.

“So…” Dipper began, snapping his notebook shut and placing it back in his pocket. He took a few steps closer to Bill while pretending to examine the pillars. “…what’s the deal?” He saw Bill raise his eyebrows out of the corner of his eye.

“Deal?” Bill asked.

“You didn’t really think I’d help you for free?” Dipper said, turning to face the demon. Bill’s look of surprise relaxed.

“Wow kid. I think we might be spending too much time together. You’re starting to sound like me!” Dipper ignored the uneasy feeling Bill’s comment insprired. “Alright, what do you want?”

“Answers.” Dipper answered immediately. Bill rolled his eyes up to the sky.

“Of course you do.” He said. “Couldn’t you ask for something interesting for once? Like maybe for all your wildest dreams to come true?” Bill cocked an eyebrow on the word ‘wildest’ and Dipper couldn’t help the blush that tinted his cheeks.

“Answers.” He said again, voice a teensy bit higher. Bill shook his head in dissaproval.

“Alright, alright. I will answer one question of yours with one hundred percent honesty.”

Dipper scoffed. “Three questions. And you’ll answer in as much detail as I want. And I’ll tell you which questions will count – you don’t get to just say you’ve fulfilled your end of the bargain if I ask what time it is or something.” Dipper hoped he’d covered all the loopholes. Bill’s eyes narrowed.

“Two questions.” He countered.

“Three.” Dipper stayed firm. Bill sighed and stuck out his hand.

“Okay, three it is.” He said and Dipper shook it before Bill could change his mind. There was a tiny spark of heat as their hands pulled away from one-another.

“Okay, so what? Just pull this thing out?” Dipper walked over to the closest pillar, sizing it up. He then put both hands on it, bracing to give a tentative pull.

It took a few seconds for the message to travel from his palms to his brain but once it did Dipper yanked both his hands back with a yell. It was as if he’d just placed his hands on a burning stove top. Dipper blew on the already red skin of his palms, trying to cool them down.

“What the hell?” Dipper griped, looking accusingly at Bill. Bill looked back at him in confusion. He then took a step closer to Dipper and started inspecting him.

“Hey!” Dipper tried to swat Bill away when he roughly grabbed Dipper’s head, checking for something behind his ears. Then he started to lift up Dipper’s shirt and Dipper had to give him a hard shove to get him to stop. “Dude!” Dipper shouted, knowing he was blushing again.

“Huh.” Bill said with a shrug after another moment of staring. “I guess you’re related to some kind of nephilim.” Dipper’s eyes widened.

“What!?”

“Yeah, I thought maybe you were hiding some scales or a tale or something. The blood’s probably pretty latent considering you didn’t catch on fire when you touched the tether.” Bill turned back to the pillars. “Maybe we can tie a rope to one and drag it?”

Dipper gaped at him. “Did you just tell me I was part angel?”

“Yeah.” Bill didn’t seem nearly as surprised or impressed as Dipper was. “Welcome to the club or whatever.”

“What does this mean? Does it mean I’m magic or something? Do I have special powers?” Dipper had started pacing unconciously. He gasped and stopped, looking excitedly at Bill. “Am I immortal?”

Bill snorted. “No. Hate to burst your bubble kid but this is pretty much the magical equivalent of finding out your ancestors were Swedish.”

Dipper’s shoulders fell in dissapointment.

“But hey!” Bill continued brightly. “That fancy birthmark of yours might be something you inherited from a demon! So that’s something.” Dipper’s hands shot up out of habit to make sure his hat was still covering his birthmark. Well that was kind of a dissapointment. He had some crazy magical ancestor and all he had to show for it was a dumb mark and an even dumber nickname. The novelty was wearing off already.

Dipper sighed heavily, turning his attention back to their problem. “So this thing’s going to burn me if I touch it? What if I use gloves or something?” Dipper asked.

“It might burn through them. If I tried it I’d probably go up in flames.” He said. Dipper nodded thoughtfully. He started to unbutton his shirt, leaving the black tank underneath on, and then tied it around the pillar he’d touched earlier.

Dipper also removed his shoes, taking out his socks and wrapping them around his hands. His barefeet slipped back into his shoes, somewhat uncomfortably but he’d live. Then he tried to lift the pillar again.

His socked hands slipped a bit but eventually caught enough purchase to wiggle the pillar out of the ground. Dipper lifted it carefully, resting part of the shirt-wrapped section onto his shoulder. It wasn’t extremely heavy but it would deffinately hurt to try carrying all of them at once. Not to mention Dipper could still feel some of the heat through the layers of clothes.

“Alright, where am I taking this?” He asked to Bill’s delight. Bill grinned and started off in what could have been a random direction for all Dipper knew.

They had to stop a few times so Dipper could catch his breath. The thing was more difficult to carry than it looked and Dipper was soon coated in a thick layer of sweat. When they finally came to the spot Bill wanted, Dipper lay on the ground relishing the cool breeze. Meanwhile Bill set about digging a hole to bury the pillar in.

“Okay, just lift it up and stick it in the ground.” Bill ordered once he was done. He rolled his eyes when Dipper groaned in response. “Jeez you humans are lazy.”

“Says the guy who doesn’t have to lug a stone column forty miles.” Dipper muttered, lifted the pillar and dropping it heavily into the hole. He kicked in some more dirt to keep it upright and then stood back. The pillar stood at a bit of an angle but Bill nodded in satisfaction.

“Good. Only four more to go!” Bill exclaimed cheerily. Dipper groaned again, louder this time but trudged after Bill as they headed back towards the tomb.

After a few minutes of silence, Dipper decided to speak. “I saw Michael yesterday.” Bill turned slightly to look at him but otherwise didn’t react. “He was lighting a gnome’s beard on fire.”

Bill laughed. “That sounds like something he’d do.”

“How do you know him?” Dipper asked, only slightly concerned (but not surprised) that Bill found the torture of an innocent creature funny.

“Is this one of your three questions?” Bill asked back before answering. Dipper hesitated.

“Okay, yes. It’s one of my questions.”

Bill grinned and Dipper had the distinct feeling he’d been conned. “I make it a habit to know about any beings that could potentially be a threat to me.” He answered. Dipper jogged up beside him.

“What? That’s it?” Dipper was dissapointed.

“What did you think I was going to say?” Bill questioned, cocking an eyebrow in Dipper’s direction. Dipper felt another blush coming on.

“Uh…I thought maybe you were going to say you fought against each other in the war between the angels and the nephilim or something...” He mumbled. Bill’s laughter startled a family of bird from the tree closest to them.

“Oh no! I stayed way clear of that nonsense. Although Mike certainly did make a name for himself.” Bill added.

“So Michael did fight in the war? Against the nephilim?”

Bill hummed in affirmation. “That guy’s got some kind of idea that his kind is special. To him the nephilim are an abomination. A cesspool crossbred with divinity. He’s got some issues.” Dipper contained his snort. Like Bill was one to be talking.

Another thought occurred to Dipper as he digested the information. “You said you were going to take care of him.”

“When did I say that?”

“Right after-“ Dipper cut himself off as a flood of memories invaded his headspace. Bill gave him an innocent look and Dipper was absolutely certain he remembered. “Right after…the thing…with the worm…” He finished with a whisper, ears growing hot under his hat.

“Oh right. It was right after I gave you the best orgasm of your life.” Bill looked right at Dipper as he said it and Dipper had to duck his head and look away.

“Yeah I’m sure whatever Michael did to me had nothing to do with it.” He muttered saracastically. Both Bill’s eyebrows shot up in surprise before his face settled into a lewd grin. He stepped in front of Dipper, forcing him to stop walking. Dipper refused to make eye contact, choosing instead to look over Bill’s shoulder.

Bill took the chance to lean forward until his mouth was right by Dipper’s ear. “That sounds like a challenge.”He oozed in a low voice that made all of Dipper’s body blush.

Dipper tried to swallow but it went down dry and he had to cough. Bill leaned back again, watching him in amusement. When Dipper had finished emptying his lungs out he pointed behind Bill.

“We’re here again.” He said, changing the subject. Bill turned around. They had, in fact, arrived back at the tomb. It was time to load up a new pillar. Dipper was extra aware of Bill’s eyes on him as he wiggled the new column out of the ground and hefted it onto his shoulder. He let Bill lead the way again, this time east towards the lake, falling into a slow pace behind him. His calves were already beginning to ache.

“Um..so how do you plan to take care of him? Michael I mean.” Dipper inquired again after a minute of heavy silence.

“Is this another one of your questions?” Bill asked without glancing back.

“No, this is still follow-up. I’m allowed to get details, remember?” Dipper reminded him. He saw the muscles on the back of his neck twitch but wasn’t sure if he was smiling or frowning.

“Well, I won’t be the one ‘taking care’ of him.” Bill explained. Something in Dipper’s mind clicked.

“You’re going to have the nephilim kill him.” Dipper guessed. Bill turned slightly, giving Dipper a wolfish smile.

“Some will want revenge for what happened during the war. And they can be pretty tenacious when there’s no magic holding them back.” Bill told him. Dipper didn’t doubt it. He knew more than one magical creature who were already a handful.

As if on cue a loud hissing noise made both Bill and Dipper look up to a small ridge on their left. A familiar wave of rainbow hair fluttered in the breeze and Dipper swore under his breath. This thing just never left him alone! At least Bill was here with him. He could probably get rid of the leprecorn, maybe send it somewhere where it might leave Dipper alone for good.

Dipper looked over to see Bill abnormally still, a slight frown on his face. “Bill?” Dipper whispered.

“Shhh…don’t provoke it.” He whispered back. Dipper stared at Bill in confusion.

“Can’t you just….teleport it somewhere or something?” Dipper asked, voice still low. The leprecorn’s jolly face was distorted with anger and it tossed it’s mane as if raring up for a fight.

“Resistant to magic.” Bill hushed back. Dipper’s eyes grew wide and he didn’t mean to swear as loudly as he did. Really.

“Fuck.” The leprecorn’s head snapped up and it whinnied, a high pitched screaming sound. Then it lowered its horn and charged.

Bill pushed Dipper to the side, sending him crashing along with the pillar to the ground, while Bill dodged in the opposite direction. The leprecorn skidded passed both of them but rounded quickly, going after Bill again. Bill managed to dance pretty skillfully out of the way a couple of times. He looked a bit like a matador running around an angry bull. Except the bull was a friendly little rainbow haired unicorn from hell. On about the fourth charge Bill tried to trick the leprecorn into running into the tree behind him. But the creature was too smart for that. It jumped to the right at the last second, surprising Bill. He had to scramble the other way quickly but his foot hooked around a tree root, twisting his ankle too far and sending him sprawling.

The leprecorn hissed again, ready for another pass. Dipper looked around quickly for some kind of weapon. All that was near him was the pillar but if it could burn Dipper and light Bill on fire, then maybe…  He grabbed the stone pillar, ignoring the burn in his palms and hefted it to his shoulder.

“Hey! Ugly!” He shouted. The leprecorn’s head snapped in his direction. Again, it lowered its horn and charged, this time straight for Dipper. He braced himself. As it galloped into his range he swung the pillar at the creature as hard as he could. The leprecorn and the pillar collided with a loud _thwack_ and the stone exploded into dust. Dipper dropped the crumbling remains from his blistering palms and tried to sweep away the smoky air. He coughed as he inhaled dust and had to keep his eyes barely open in order to prevent getting grit in his eyes.

Eventually a breeze blew and the dust cleared but there was no leprecorn. No body, no pieces of hooves or entrails or rainbow hair. Just nothing.

“Ow.” He heard the moan from behind him and ran over to help Bill, who was already getting to his feet. Dipper could hear the bones in his ankle crunch as he put pressure on it. Bill winced.

“Hey, don’t try and stand on it!” Dipper lectured, hands out and ready to catch Bill if he fell. Bill didn’t answer. He just stared at his mangled ankle with a focused look on his face. Suddenly, his whole shoe went up in blue flames that crackled and burned for about a minute before dying down to nothing.

“There. Good as new!” Bill said, taking a few steps just to prove it. Something about the way the foot sat was off but Bill didn’t seem to notice.

“You can heal?” Dipper asked in surprise. For some reason he’d always thought Bill’s powers were limited to…destructive uses. Bill grinned at him but his grin fell when he saw Dipper’s face.

“…Are you okay there?” Bill questioned. Dipper looked at him in confusion. Bill gestured to his face. Dipper wasn’t sure if it was the shock wearing off or something about the pillar’s magic had been affected by it breaking but as soon as Dipper reached up to touch the layer of dust on his cheek he felt his skin come alive with fire.

“Ah!” Dipper cried, frantically trying to sweep the dust off. His skin was turning red and he could see a few blisters forming already. At first he was somewhat relieved his hands seemed to have stopped burning but when he got a glimpse at his palms he realized it was because there was no skin left to feel the pain. He could see the dark pink muscles moving underneath a charred layer of sock material and blood. “BILL!” He cried louder.

“Okay, okay. Don’t panic!” Bill tried to get Dipper to calm down but the concerned look on the blonde’s face only served to freak him out more. “We’re only like five minutes from the lake, if we-“

As soon as Dipper heard “lake” he bolted. He was fairly certain he was headed in the right direction but at this point he didn’t even care. If he didn’t reach the water soon he was going to claw his skin off himself.

Luckily for Dipper he had headed in the right direction and he ran straight into the water, plunging forward and immersing his whole body as fast as he could. The water froze the air right out of his lungs but it felt so much better on his skin than the burn. When he surfaced to gulp down a few breaths the burning in his face and neck returned but the dust seemed to be mostly gone. Dipper stood up, the water being only about waist deep here, and stripped off his t-shirt to get a look at the damage.

It wasn’t all that bad really. He had what looked more like a rash than a burn on his arms and on his neck but the t-shirt had protected most of him. Dipper’s hands were another story. He grimaced as he pulled off the pieces of cotton that had begun to clot to his skin. The pain was duller here, as if the nerves themselves had been burned off. Dipper quickly shoved that thought away as he washed off the blood and started to gingerly wring out his shirt.

Dipper shivered suddenly, not just from the cold water but also from a sensation that he was being watched. Dipper spun around, expecting another dangerous forest denizen but was met with the grinning face of Bill.

Bill was seated on a large rock jutting out of the water about a meter from the shore. And sure enough he was staring at Dipper.

“Hey pinetree! I think you may have gotten some dust on your shorts too. You should probably take those off to be sure.” Bill called and Dipper was certain he saw the little white encased eight that served as an iris in Bill’s fake eye look him up and down. Dipper blushed and was just going to ignore Bill but then a stupid idea hit him.

He walked closer to Bill’s rock through the water, waves swishing around his hips. When he was only a few meters away he flung his wet T-shirt at Bill’s head. Bill easily dodged but the shirt was only a distraction and Dipper quickly swam up to rock, grabbing one of Bill’s ankles.

There was a brief moment where the two just looked at eachother: Bill glaring and Dipper grinning as if they had switched bodies or something. Then Dipper pulled Bill down into the water with a splash.

He let go of Bill immediately and swam to what he judged to be a safe distance before turning back. Dipper wasn’t sure how Bill would react but he didn’t want to be boiled to death if he could help it. There were a few bubbles where Dipper had pushed Bill under but Dipper couldn’t see anything else along the surface.

“Bill?” He called tentatively, starting to get worried. Even if Bill didn’t know how to swim the water was shallow enough for him to stand. But…what if he’d hit his head on the bottom? Dipper bit his lip and took a few steps back before something seized him around the ankles and pulled him under.

Dipper kicked Bill away under the water and surfaced to a wall of water being splashed at him. He laughed and shielded himself with his arms and splashing back when he could, ignoring the stinging in his hands when he shoved the water.

A half an hour later Dipper stumbled out of the lake and collapsed onto the grass. Dipper wasn’t sure who’d won the splash fight but at the very least it was a tie. As he caught his breath, Dipper sat up to watch Bill trudge out of the lake. His yellow shirt clung tight enough to his body that Dipper could make out of the curve of his belly button through the fabric. Bill shook the water out of his hair, sending sun-speckled droplets everywhere and Dipper couldn’t help but smile at the expression on Bill’s face. He looked like a little kid who’d just come back from a trip to Disney land.

Bill made eye contact with Dipper as he sat down next to him and Dipper quickly looked away with a cough. There were a few minutes of uncomfortable silence and Dipper desperately searched for something to end it.

“So, what happens now that that pillar- the uh, tether - is destroyed?” He asked, not sure why this question took so long to pop into his head.

“I’m not sure.” Bill admitted. “Magic’s kind of fickle. In theory everything within the net should have been destroyed but hey, we’re still here.” Dipper’s eyes grew wide.

“You mean I could have killed us?” His voice strung out into a high pitch. Bill shrugged.

“Could have. The other tethers must have taken on the load.” He said, almost as if thinking aloud. “Which means my plan will still work if we can move the other pillars to where they need to be.” Bill stood up and Dipper realized he meant right now.

“Uh…I don’t know if I’m going to be up to moving much more…” Dipper said, holding out his mangled hands as evidence. Bill looked down at them with a blank expression.

“Oh, right.” He sat back down in front of Dipper, looking more closely at the damage. Dipper felt his pulse jump as he grabbed one of Dipper’s hands to get a better look.

_Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_ The inner Mabel voice in his head started to squeal. _You love –_

_Nope._ Dipper thought forcefully at it.

_Oh come on, Dipper! You basically just spent the afternoon having a cliché rom-com scene in a lake!_

Oh god. She was right (about the lake thing). He grimaced in embarrassment.

“I’ll heal it.” Bill said, startling Dipper out of his thoughts.

“Oh yeah.” Dipper thought back to Bill’s ankle earlier. “I’ve never seen you heal something before today.” Bill frowned.

“Yeah, you have to know a lot about human anatomy in order to get it right.” He muttered. “You humans are so needlessly complicated.” Dipper pulled his hands out of Bill’s grip and Bill’s gold-brown eye flicked up at him.

“Are you saying I might end up with, like, a nose growing out of my hands?” Dipper asked in worry. Bill’s face flashed dark.

“Do I look that stupid to you? Besides this is just skin. Should be easy enough.” Bill held his hands up and, reluctantly, Dipper placed his own in them. There was a slight itchy feeling as the blue flame enveloped his palms. After a few minutes the flames died out and Dipper’s skinned palms had been replaced with unusually smooth and soft skin. Dipper wiggled his fingers tentatively. Everything seemed to be working okay.

“Hold on, I forgot something.” Bill said, lifting up one of Dipper’s hands, examining it and then slowly licking it from the wrist to the tip of his middle finger. Dipper shivered at the feeling of wet skin on his. His face was starting to heat up again and that wasn’t the only place to do so.

“Uh….what’s this do?” Dipper croaked as Bill licked the sensitive skin between his fingers. Bill smirked.

“Nothing. I just wanted to see the look on your face.” Bill answered with a wink of his good eye. Dipper snatched his hands back and quickly wiped them on the front of his shirt, trying desperately to ignore the heat burying itself in his stomach. Annoyed, he decided to make Bill answer another question.

“Alright, I’ve got another question for you. What’s your end game?” Dipper demanded.

“End game?” Bill echoed.

“Yeah, like once you get your nephilim army. What are you going do to? Take over the world?” Dipper guessed. Bill blinked at him.

“Maybe? I hadn’t thought that far ahead.” He answered. Dipper scoffed.

“Come on Bill. Honesty was a part of the deal!”

“Yeah and you asked for an end game but I’m an immortal being of pure energy. There is no end game!” Bill explained. Dipper huffed in annoyance at the technicality.

“Okay fine. But what’s the point of the nephilim army then? Why even bother?” Dipper pressed. Bill’s face went blank again.

“Oh, they’ll just help me off a few people I don’t like. Starting with our friend Mike here, then probably Steve, of course we’ll have to take care of Lucille too…” Bill counted them off on his fingers. Dipper studied the demons face but it didn’t reveal anything. He was probably telling the truth, the deal bound him to it, but Dipper had the feeling there was something he was leaving out.

“Alright!” Bill stood up, stretching out his arms as he did. “Let’s go get those tethers.”

“Wait.” Dipper stood up too, letting Bill change the subject. He could ask more details later. “We should go back to the shack and get some supplies first. I’m not burning off my hands again for this.” Bill shrugged but followed as Dipper led them back to the shack.

The last three pillars were much easier once Dipper had a proper set of work gloves. He also brought rope and a blanket to tie around each pillar so that his neck and shoulder stayed unharmed. The rope came in handy when Bill led him to the side of a steep cliff and they had to pull the pillar up behind them. Despite things being a little easier, Dipper was exhausted when they finally made it back to the shack. He couldn’t even make it up the back porch steps and just collapsed on the grass beside them.

He was going to be sore tomorrow.

Bill followed suit, lying down next to Dipper and groaning loudly about his own muscles. The guy hadn’t even had to carry anything! But Dipper was too tired to call him out on it.

He looked up at the pink hazed sky. “I really hope Stan cooked dinner tonight.” Dipper mumbled aloud. Bill made a sound that could have been a disagreement but he was also too tired to push anything. They lay there for a few minutes without saying anything. Dipper blamed exhaustion for what happened next.

“Are you going to ask me your third question?” Bill said suddenly.

“I’m saving it.” Dipper answered.

“Come on, kid. Hit me with it. Don’t you want to know how the world ends? The next winning lotto numbers? What the secret recipe is for Kentucky fried chicken?”

“I haven’t thought of what to ask.” Dipper yawned loudly, wondering if he could just skip dinner and head straight to bed. His stomach grumbled putting that argument to bed pretty quick.

“Yeah right. You probably have a list of like the top 100 questions of the universe or something.” Bill said, gesturing with his hands.

Dipper chewed his lip. It wasn’t like he’d made the list, he’d just printed it off of a website. “I want to think about it a little more.” He mumbled. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Bill prop himself up on an arm.

“And what? Drive yourself crazy trying to think of the perfect question? Just pick one and ask me.”

“I don’t-“

“First thing that comes to mind. Do insects think? Is there a God? How will I die? And by ‘I’ I mean ‘you’.”

“Bill I’m not going to-“

“Why do we dream? How does matter exist? Why did the human race survive so long despite being a boring and pathetic species?”

“Bill!”

“Is morality objective? Are we really just living in the matrix? How do-“

“Ugh fine! What’s your favourite snack food?”

Dipper sat up as soon as he said it, fast enough to turn his vision black. Bill’s eyes were wide and staring at him. Slowly his lips pulled back from his teeth into a toothy smile.

“No wait! I take it back! That wasn’t my question!” Dipper said hastily but Bill kept smiling at him.

“Too late pine tree! Hmm…my favourite snack food huh? I’d have to say it’s a toss up between the blood of the innocent and those flavoured tortilla chips. I like the spicy ones.” Bill answered. Dipper groaned and smacked himself in the forehead. Of all the stupid things to ask! This was the mailbox in the woods all over again!

Bill laughed his high pitched annoying laugh. He opened his mouth and Dipper just knew he was going to tease him again but at that moment Mabel came to his rescue.

“Dinner’s ready!” She called, stepping out onto the back porch. Bill shot up and started towards the door. “Don’t forget to wash up.” She lectured him before stepping out of his way. Dipper slowly pulled himself to his feet to follow.

“Where were you guys all day?” Mabel asked, eyeing the rash that still peppered Dipper’s face and neck.

“I’ll tell you about it later.” Dipper said, not in the mood for a lengthy explanation at the moment.

“Okay. Well wash up bro-bro! You are going to _love_ what I made for dinner!” Mabel said, elbowing him in the side.

“ _You_ cooked?” Dipper asked in horror. Mabel’s face flashed with anger.

“You got a problem with that?” She said, hands on her hips.

“Uh…no. I’m sure it’s great!” Dipper’s face literally hurt as he tried to twist it into a normal smile.

“Well good!” Mabel’s expression relaxed and she gave Dipper a playful shove towards the bathroom. He could already smell something burning.

Dipper sighed and trudged dutifully to the bathroom to wash up. He just couldn’t catch a break today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go!! Now you have something to distract you from freaking out over the new episode!
> 
> Ugh I'm sorry its been so long. I've been in a bit of a funk. You know the ones where like life is horrible, your job is horrible, your writing is horrible, pretty much everything is horrible? Yeah I've been in one of those. But I will finish this thing, by god, if it is the last thing I do!  
> This chapter has some more flirting! Woo! Everyone loves that right? Actually I think there are some issues with this chapter and hopefully Bill/Dipper aren't acting way too OOC. Bleugh. I just can't rewrite this thing anymore.
> 
> I love you guys! I keep reading your wonderful comments when I start feeling down. So thank you! '3' <3 <3 <3
> 
> (Also if you guys are looking for another Billdip fic to read. I suggest this one: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3947689/chapters/8849497  
> I'm way smitten with it and super jealous of the tight writing. If the first couple of paragraphs seem weird to you, keep reading, trust me!)


	14. Giving In

Dipper tried to avoid Bill for the next couple of days. Not just because he was annoyed about the question thing but also because Bill’s flirting was getting more…aggressive. No wait, that wasn’t the right word. Sneakier, maybe?

Like the morning after their adventure out in the woods. Dipper dragged his horribly sore body out of bed early in search of breakfast and maybe a few painkillers. Just as he passed the bathroom Bill stepped out in a cloud of steam with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Good morning pine tree!” Bill said cheerily. Dipper grumbled a good morning and quickly turned back to limping towards the kitchen.

“Jeez, you got a bee in your bonnet this morning or what?” Bill gave him a smack on the back, making his muscles seize up painfully. Bill cackled and walked passed Dipper with his arms locked behind his head. Dipper glared at him as he walked away. The towel around his hips looked like it could come undone at any second and there was a split that rode all the way up to where the knot was tied on the side so that Dipper could almost see the pert muscles of a butt cheek as he walked. It had taken Dipper more than a few minutes to recover.

Alright, maybe that wasn’t the best example. But what about the dreams he’d been having? Sure they were kind of fragmented and didn’t make a whole lot of sense but Bill had to be behind them!

He had ones where he felt hands all over him. Caressing his neck, sliding up and down his sides, tickling his thighs. He could never get a look at who was holding him, could never see anything but dark, shadowy hands and forearms but somehow, Dipper knew it was Bill.

Other dreams would place him in the library or at a formal dinner and Dipper would always drop something. When he slid back his chair to retrieve it he would see Bill’s Cheshire cat grin and glowing turquoise eye under the table. It would always be a struggle to try and keep the others around him from knowing the demon was there. Especially when Bill decided to suck on his fingers or slide his hands under Dipper’s shorts.

Or sometimes Dipper would just have a dream where Bill was lying on top of him, looking into his eyes. Then with cheeky wink he would run a tongue over Dipper’s lips and down his chin. Another lick would lead Bill up the side of his neck to his ear. Dipper would sigh and Bill would snort, making little oinks.

Wait.

Oinks?

Dipper opened his eyes in the early Saturday morning sun to see a huge pink snout snuffling over his face. Waddles gave him another lick on the nose before Dipper groaned and heaved the huge pig off of him. Waddles oinked in protest, scrambling to get off his back.

“Good morning sleepyhead!” Mable sang. She was already dressed and had way too much pep for this early in the morning. Dipper tried to ignore her and rolled over on his pillow. Of course, Mabel wasn’t having any of that and after a few seconds of poking him, she decided to just sit on his back instead.

“Mabel…” Dipper whined through the compressed air in his lungs. “….let me sleep!”

“Nope! You gotta get dressed! Did you forget what’s today?” Mabel asked, leaning back to crush even more air out of Dipper’s lungs. He wheezed and tried to kick his sister through the sheets. She laughed and finally jumped off of him. “It’s Melody’s baby shower!”

Oh right. He had forgotten that was today. Dipper rubbed his face and reluctantly slipped off the bed.

“When do we leave?” He asked with a yawn.

“In two hours.” Mabel replied with a bright smile.

“Two hours!?” Dipper turned back to the bed. Surely he could sleep for a little longer…

Mabel grabbed him by the back of his pajama shirt. “Oh no you don’t!” She said, shoving a towel into his arms. “Go have a shower and get dressed! And if I find you back in that bed I’ll make you run outside the car all the way to Soos’s.” Dipper groaned again but started towards the door.

The hot water helped wake him up but he still had to avoid the temptation of the warm and comfortable sheets while he was getting dressed. He gave them one last longing stare before heading into the kitchen for breakfast.

The kitchen was full with Mabel, Grunkle Stan and Bill already milling about. Dipper had to squeeze his way towards the fridge to decide what to have for breakfast. Bill had something indescribable on his plate and one look at him shoveling the slop down his throat was enough for Dipper to decide he wasn’t hungry this morning. Still, he knew Mabel would complain so he took one of the ‘instant breakfast’ drinks from the fridge and sipped on that.

Come to think of it…why was Bill even up? Dipper had assumed Grunkle Stan would keep the Mystery Shack closed for the day and that Bill would sleep in on his day off. That’s what Dipper would be doing.

“Did you close the shack for today?” He asked Stan to confirm his theory.

“Yup! Today’s a special circumstance.” Stan answered, rinsing out a bowl of cereal in the sink.

“I, for one, am excited to see this ‘shower of babies.’” Bill said after swallowing the last mouthful of food from his plate.

“Wait. You’re coming? You don’t even know Melody!” Dipper complained.

“Don’t be rude Dipper!” Mabel scolded. She sat across from Bill behind a pile of meticulously wrapped gifts. “Besides, Melody won’t mind.” Dipper thought Melody would very much mind a demon coming to celebrate the coming birth of her baby. But with Grunkle Stan in the room he couldn’t say anything.

“Don’t you think you would have more fun staying here?” Dipper tried instead. Bill turned in his seat to grin at Dipper.

“It would only be fun if you stayed here too.” He drolled, making Dipper’s cheeks turn pink. Dipper saw his grunkle’s eyebrow raise out of the corner of his eye but thankfully Stan didn’t comment.

“Bill, go wash up.” Mabel ordered, eyeing the mush on Bill’s cheeks. “And Dipper, go get your gift. We’re leaving in ten!” Neither Dipper nor Bill protested and both dutifully left the kitchen, in step with each other.

“You better behave yourself.” Dipper muttered, brushing by Bill roughly.

“Or what? You’ll spank me?” Bill retorted. Dipper’s blush deepened and he could only mumble something unintelligible before tripping up the steps to the attic. Bill’s laugh followed him the whole way up.

He took a few seconds to compose himself and absolutely not think about Bill or his suggestion of spanking. Then he retrieved his gift out of his night stand. It wasn’t nearly as pretty looking as Mabel’s gifts. But Dipper had wanted to wrap it himself….in newspaper…..and duct tape. Seriously though, he’d put a lot of thought into the gift and he hoped Melody and Soos liked it.

When he got downstairs everyone was already in the car. Mabel had regretfully stolen shotgun so Dipper was forced to get into the back seat beside Bill. Dipper was thankful that Melody and Soos’s house wasn’t very far away because Bill was deciding to be especially annoying. Every time the car turned a corner Bill would slide into Dipper. He would always say “whoops, sorry ‘bout that pine tree” but it was pretty obvious Bill was doing it on purpose.

Dipper was out the door before Stan had even come to full stop on the driveway. He was going to put as much space as he could between him and Bill, even if it killed him. In his haste he almost ran straight into Wendy and Dale.

“Sup Dipper!” Wendy exclaimed as she pulled him into a hug. Dipper hugged her back and gave Dale an awkward half-hug before looking around behind them.

“Did Michael come?” Dipper asked, trying not to sound too hopeful. A look of panic flashed across Dale’s face.

“No – heheh. Why would I bring a totally random _friend_ to Melody’s baby shower?” Dale looked pointedly between Dipper and his sister. Oh, right. Dale was still in the closet around his family.

“Right, right. I guess it would be a bit weird to bring your friend to this thing.” Dipper said. Dale looked relieved but Wendy just rolled her eyes discretely when he wasn’t looking. Then suddenly a shadow crossed her face and she glared darkly over Dipper’s shoulder.

“Hey pine tree, your sister wants some help with her presents.” A voice said from behind him. Dipper flinched. “Well if it isn’t our favourite redheads!” Bill tried to put a hand on Dipper’s shoulder as he approached but Dipper ducked out of the way.

“Bill.” Wendy said flatly with enough venom to kill a small animal. Bill seemed unperturbed though and just grinned at her.

“Sorry. I gotta go help Mabel.” Dipper gulped to the Corduroy siblings.

“I’ll help!” Wendy piped up. The two of them practically raced away from Bill. When Dipper looked back Bill’s eyes were glaring at him but his mouth was still plastered with a flashy smile.

“What is _he_ doing here?” Wendy whispered when they got to Grunkle Stan’s car. Dipper shrugged, mirroring her sentiment.

“Mabel didn’t want to leave him alone at home, I guess.” He explained in an unimpressed tone. Wendy shook her head.

“Wendy!” Mabel cried when she saw the red head. She looked like she wanted to give her a hug but her arms were filled with gifts from the trunk. Wendy gave her a semi-hug around the shoulders from behind while Dipper picked up the remaining armful of gifts.

“How come you invited Bill?” Wendy asked Mabel herself, obviously not satisfied with Dipper’s answer. Mabel frowned.

“He’s been really nice. I figured we should make him feel more at home.” Mabel gave her answer carefully.

“I used to think he was nice too.” Wendy muttered darkly. Mabel gave Wendy a sympathetic look.

“I don’t think Bill really gets how to be friends with people.” She reasoned. There was a pause as Mabel pursed her lips together. “Do…you want me to tell him to go back?”

Wendy’s expression faltered. “No…you don’t have to that. Just…be careful. I don’t want you or Dipper getting hurt.” Mabel grinned.

“No need to worry about that!” She told Wendy with a wink. Wendy smiled back.

As they made their way to the front door Dipper glanced over at Bill. He was telling some kind of story to a horrified looking Dale and Dipper made a mental note to apologize on Bill’s behalf. He had something he needed to talk to Dale about anyways.

“Hey dudes!” Soos greeted them all excitedly at the door. “Come on in!” The large group entered the house and were led into the living room that wrapped around into an open kitchen. Melody stood up from where she was sitting talking to Grenda, Candy and Pacifica. Dipper hadn’t seen Grenda’s truck when they’d come in. He figured it must be in the garage.

Dipper dropped his gift on the table beside a cake covered in special-ordered pastel m&ms and then headed over to wait in the hug line. Melody hugged everyone, receiving their well wishes. When she made it to Bill she paused.

“I don’t think we’ve met.” She said with a smile. Bill opened his mouth to respond but Dipper stepped in for some preemptive damage control.

“This is Bill! He’s been living with us and is working at the Mystery Shack.” Dipper introduced. Bill grinned and placed his lips to Melody’s outstretched hand like he was some medieval gentleman.

“It’s a pleasure.” Bill purred in a low voice, much to Dipper’s annoyance. Melody giggled good-naturedly but Soos hurried over when he noticed Bill’s hand lingering on hers.

“Hey there man! Nice to meet you. I’m Soos!” Soos interjected himself between the two of them. He held out his hand for a fist-bump, which Bill grasped and shook as if Soos had offered a normal hand-shake.

“So…which one of you is pregnant?” Bill asked. Melody snorted and Soos laughed awkwardly, visibly sucking in his gut a little. Dipper relaxed a little. Knowing Bill this meeting could have been a lot more disastrous.

Once everyone had gotten a chance to congratulate the expecting couple, Mabel quickly got everyone’s attention. Dipper had suspected she’d been the one organizing this, although he was pretty sure Grenda and Candy had more than a little say in the baby shower themselves.

“Alright everyone! We’ve got some games planned for today! Starting with…guess the baby food!” Mabel announced. Grenda and Candy brought out a bunch of jars with numbers on them and handed them out. The rules were pretty simple. There were ten different flavors of baby food and you had to guess what they were. The person with the most correct guesses won.

Dipper’s first jar was the one with a #4 on it. It was a little bitter tasting and the colour was that of light sand with little dark flecks in it. Dipper did his best not to gag on the mushy texture. He couldn’t for the life of him figure out what flavor it could be so he wrote down the first thing that came to mind (chickpeas) and passed the jar on to Wendy who was sitting next to him.

He was about to grab another jar from Mabel when he heard the scrape of a plastic spoon against glass. He looked over at Bill (who else?) to see him emptying a jar with a #9 on it into his mouth. Dipper sighed and promptly moved his chair next to Bill’s. So much for avoiding him.

“You’re not supposed to eat the whole thing!” Dipper hissed, snatching the mostly empty jar away. He eyed the traces of reddish-brown mush along the inside of the glass. “What flavour was it anyway?” He asked, curious.

“Pig entrails.” Bill answered, licking his lips. Dipper gave him a doubtful look. “Trust me! Write it down.” Bill ordered and Dipper shook his head but wrote it down anyways and passed the jar along with an apologetic look to Candy.

In the few seconds it had taken to pass on jar #9, Bill had managed to get a hold of jar #1. Dipper quickly grabbed it from him before they had a repeat occurrence.

“Mmm.” Bill hummed. “I wanna say…eye of newt.” Dipper snorted despite himself.

“You seriously want me to put that as your guess?”

“Do it.” Bill told him with a grin, reaching for yet another jar.

And that was how Dipper and Bill formed a team. Bill would taste and Dipper would write down the answers, which suited him just fine. He was not in the mood to lose the little food in his stomach. Dipper was actually surprised no one else seemed to have quite the same distaste for baby food. Soos was tasting the samples like they were fine gourmet meals, taking his time to smell and swirl the mush around in the jar. Even Pacifica was getting into the game.

“Wait, let me try that one again!” He heard her say to Mabel, grabbing jar #3 back from her and taking another lick off a spoon. Her face puckered up like she’d just stuck a lemon in her mouth, making Mabel crack up.

In the end, Soos won the game. He was able to guess 7 of the flavours, including a cheeto flavoured baby food that had Dipper questioning the sanity of whoever had created it. Dipper and Bill predictably had the least correct answers. Although the #9 that Bill had guessed as pig entrails was actually sausage and sauerkraut so he was at least in the ballpark for that guess.

Next Mabel, Grenda and Candy ushered everyone into the back yard where a large plastic tub was filled with water.

“Our next game is….” Mabel paused for dramatic effect. “Bobbing for nipples! And no, I don’t mean _those_ nipples.” Mabel winked at the crowd. Dipper rolled his eyes. She’d probably been spending too much time with Bill and his innuendos too. The nipples were for the tops of baby-bottles and were transparent, making them difficult to see even in the water. The object of the game was to grab as many as you could with your teeth before 90 seconds was up.

Melody started the game. She got a cool 16 and a high-five from Soos. Dale went next, only landing 13. Dipper suspected he’d done that on purpose to let Melody win. His sister was too competitive to throw a game though, and she ended up scoring 19. Grunkle Stan tried to forfeit his but everyone pressured him into it. Of course his teeth fell out halfway through the 90 seconds and there was a pause while Mabel got some fresh water. No one wanted to accidentally drink Grunkle Stan denture spit.

Pacifica was one of the last to go. Dipper thought she would have opted out of the embarrassing game but she really went for it. Unfortunately she was only able to get 18. She graciously smiled at Wendy, conceding her defeat while she wrung out her long hair. Dipper figured she was screaming on the inside. Both he and Mabel knew how competitive she could be. Then it was Dipper’s turn.

“Uh…you know…I think I’ll pass.” Dipper said, slightly embarrassed. There was a collective ‘boo’.

“C’mon Dipper! Even Grunkle Stan tried it!” Mabel poked. Dipper shook his head.

“Yeah! I’ll bet this game is right up your ally.” Bill piped up, making Dipper’s ears go slightly red with his insinuation. Nobody else seemed to read into it though.

“Okay, okay….” Dipper relented, leaning over the water tub and trying not to think about how stupid he probably looked. Mabel counted down for him and he plunged his head into the tepid water. Instead of using his teeth he tried to push the nipples up and over the side of the tub with his face.

“24….” Mabel counted when the time was up. “But you pretty much cheated so I don’t think we should count it.” Dipper laughed into the towel Melody had handed him.

“You didn’t specify that I had to use my teeth.” Dipper pointed out. Mabel pouted.

“Okay Bill, you’re the last one!” She ignored Dipper, getting ready for Bill’s turn. Bill flashed everyone a grin before leaning over the tub. “3…2…1…go!” Mabel counted him in and Bill dunked himself all the way to the shoulders.

After 40 seconds Dipper started to get worried because Bill hadn’t surface to spit out any nipples, or, you know, breathe. It still looked like he was moving though so he supposed the idiot wasn’t drowning.

After the 90 seconds was up, Mabel tapped him on the shoulder. She had to step quickly out of the way when Bill flung his head back, spraying water all over the grass. His cheeks were full with plastic shapes and he spat them out next to him as Mabel counted.

“22..23…24…” Mabel mouthed, then aloud said: “I guess it’s a tie!” Bill started to cough, good eye bulging. Dipper ran over to hit him on the back a few times until he leaned forward and another nipple shot out the back of Bill’s throat.

“25!” Mabel shouted excitedly. “Good job Bill! You won!” Everyone clapped, even Dipper although he was pretty certain that Bill had magicked up that last one.

Dipper looked over at Bill’s sopping face while he accepted the tiny wrapped package prize from Mabel. He’d opted for the normal looking eye today and wore his hair out of his face with a black alice band. Water ran down his temples and down his neck to soak the top of his t-shirt. It seemed like he was on his best behaviour for some reason but Dipper wasn’t about to complain. If Bill kept this up everyone might be getting out of here in one piece.

Next on the plan was for Melody and Soos to open their presents. Mostly it was the standard fare. Mabel had spent the past eight months making and perfecting baby clothes. (Unisex since they were waiting on the baby’s sex.) Grenda and Candy had gone in together on a transportable change table. Dale and Wendy had bought them a crazy decked out baby bouncer that could light up and play music. Even Grunkle Stan had splurged, buying the couple a convertible stroller. Melody was almost in tears as she hugged him. Pacifica blushed when it came time for her turn, handing the couple a small envelope. The card that came out of it looked like it was homemade but not Mabel quality homemade. More like someone who had never done a craft in her life had made it.

“I’m sorry for being so cheap…my parents, uh, cut me off…” She murmured the last bit. Melody wrapped her in a tight hug and two seconds later Soos joined in.

“Don’t you worry about something like that.” Melody told her. Soos nodded and added: “If you ever need anything dawg, you know where we are.” Obviously someone had filled them in on Pacifica's situation. Pacifica flushed even deeper red, her eyes brimming with tears that she quickly wiped away.

Dipper squirmed a little in his seat when it came time for his gift to be opened. He hadn’t spent nearly the same amount of money or time on his gift. At least Pacifica had a good excuse! Mable gave him a look of disapproval at the newspaper wrapping and Dipper shrugged to her in response, trying to keep himself calm. Soos tore into it excitedly to reveal a leather journal with a gold baby-sized handprint painted on the front.

“It’s a baby book.” Dipper explained as Melody and Soos leafed through the pages. Dipper had designed the thing using a website online so that it looked kind of like a field guide. There were spots for photos and pockets for things like a lock of hair from the baby’s first haircut. There was even a detailed tooth diagram where you could write the date each tooth was lost. Soos looked like he was at a loss for words.

“This is really cool dude!” He said finally. Dipper let out a little breath of relief. He had been worried the book was too much his own style. Soos gave him a hug big enough to lift him off his feet and Melody pecked him on the cheek. He sat back down proudly, ignoring the huge yawn coming from Bill.

Since all the presents had been opened, Grenda, Candy and Mabel disappeared again to bring out the food. It was all surprisingly good looking. Macaroni salads, pigs wrapped in a blanket, shrimp, mini quiches etc.

“We didn’t let her cook alone.” Candy whispered to Dipper when she noticed his questioning look.

While they were setting up there was a knock on the door. Soos shot up with an “I’ll get it!” A few seconds later everyone was startled by a shout. Melody quickly ran to the door with the rest of the group trailing behind her.

“Abuelita!” She exclaimed as she took in the well-sunned elderly lady at the front door. They hugged. “I thought you were still in Florida!”

“I would not miss this day!” She said, holding Melody’s hands. Dipper heard Mabel let out a quiet “aaaw.” Dipper looked at the group admiring the little reunion happening in front of them and realized Bill was missing. He quickly ducked back into the living room to find, yup, Bill with 6 shrimp tails sticking out of his mouth. What was it with this guy and food?

Dipper started towards him and watched with disgust as Bill crunched the shrimp in his mouth, tails and all. “People usually remove the tails before they eat shrimp.” He commented dryly.

“Really?” Bill asked after a particularly loud swallow. “What a waste of good chitin.” Dipper would have explained that humans couldn't digest chitin but Bill kept talking. “So who’s the old bag?”

“You mean Soos’ grandmother?”

“Is she the one that brings the baby corpses to shower the fertile women in?” Bill asked. Dipper snickered.

“Bill, a baby shower is where you shower someone with presents who is about to have a baby.” Dipper explained. Bill looked disappointed.

“You mean that’s it? Bo-ring. You know, I could really liven up the festivities.” Bill said, cerulean flames flicking over his hand. “I’d put the faucet right over there…”

“Oh my god Bill!” Dipper exclaimed, grabbing Bill’s hand to stop any magic from coming out of it. The thought of a literal baby shower was making him crack up though. Maybe lack of sleep this morning was affecting his sense of humour?

Out of the corner of his eye Dipper suddenly noticed Dale standing across the room staring at them. He had a strange expression on his face, causing Dipper to flush red as he noticed he was still holding onto Bill’s hand. He quickly let it go. An awkward silence stretched between the three of them and Dipper was relieved when it was broken by the group filing back into the living room to head for the food.

Dipper fled to the back of the room trying to remember his resolve to stay away from Bill. That moment was short-lived however, as not fifteen minutes later Dipper could hear Bill’s voice, shrill and insistent from across the room.

“Human are crazy! I mean they can have their pelvises crushed during labor or literally have to have their babies cut out of them and still want to feed the little thing and care for it afterwards. Yup, you humans sure are resilient…like the plague.” Dipper heard Bill say to a pale-faced Melody across the nacho dip. Dipper made a bee line towards them.

“Oh hey pine tree! I was just-“ Dipper hooked a hand around Bill’s mouth before he could say anymore.

“Sorry Melody, I’m going to borrow Bill for a bit.” Dipper told her. She looked relieved as he dragged Bill out of the living room.

“Bill!” Dipper scolded once they were out of hearing range.

“What?” Bill asked, looking as innocent as one could look with a pointed tooth grin and a fake eye.

Dipper was about to lay into him when he noticed someone in the back yard. It was Dale again. Dipper suddenly remembered he had something to talk to him about. And it was best it didn’t wait.

“Look, just stay close to Mabel so she can keep an eye on you, ok?” He told Bill, already heading for the back door. He didn’t want to let this chance to talk to Dale escape. Bill called something after him but Dipper slid the door shut behind him, cutting Bill off.

“Hey Dale!” He approached the red-head cheerfully, if not a little nervously. “What are you doing out here?”

“Oh, hey! I just needed some air is all. Too many people.” Dale explained. Dipper nodded in understanding.

“So, listen…I’ve got to tell you about something…” Dipper hushed his voice a little and leaned closer to Dale. He did a quick glance over his shoulder out of habit.

“What?” Dale asked, leaning close too. He had a smile on his face, obviously thinking this was one of Dipper’s mysteries – which in a way it was – but Dipper didn’t want to give him the wrong idea.

“You probably aren’t going to like it but…keep in mind I’m telling you for your own good.” Dipper added. Dale’s smile faltered a little, making Dipper hesitate. “I-I’m one hundred percent serious about this okay? Just listen to what I have to say first, alright?”

“Okay, okay. Just tell me what it is!” Dale looked like he was starting to get exasperated.

“Okay…Dale. You know Michael? Well...I kind of found out he’s a demon.” Dipper tried to pick his words carefully but from the look on Dale’s face he must have picked the wrong ones.

“Bill knows him! A-and when we were in the forest the other day I caught him torturing a gnome! I knew there was something off about him…I…I’m sorry, Dale.” Dipper continued hastily. Dale’s face had fallen stony. He took a breath, probably to steady himself.

“Dipper…” He started. “I thought you weren’t going to do this. It’s okay if you don’t like Michael but this…”

“Whoa, no! I’m not making this up man! Seriously! You can ask Bill if you want. Michael’s a full blown demon.” Dipper willed Dale to see what he was saying. There must have been moments when Dale thought something was off while alone with Michael. That is…if he wasn’t under some kind of spell. Dale sighed.

“Okay. Let’s just assume you’re right-“

“I am!” Dipper quickly interjected. Dale narrowed his eyes but continued as if Dipper hadn’t spoken.

“- and Mike _is_ a demon. Why does that mean he’s bad? I mean, Bill’s a demon and that doesn’t stop _you_ from flirting with him!” Dale accused. Dipper was taken aback.

“Okay first off, no. I am not flirting with Bill! And secondly Michael is a jerk!” Dale’s eyes flashed angrily while Dipper spoke. “He was lighting a gnome’s beard on fire!”

“Are you sure that’s what you saw? I mean I was there too and I didn’t see any gnome.” Dale contested.

“It was before you got there!” Dipper realized that yeah, that did sound a little sketchy. He had to tell Dale something that would make him see Michael for what he really was. He hesitated. “I…wasn’t going to tell you this but…you deserve to know.” Dipper said, stumbling a little over his words. “When we were at the movies…Michael - he pushed me down in the car and kissed my stomach!” Dale’s fists balled at his sides. Dipper didn’t blame him. If his boyfriend had done that to someone he’d be angry too. “Then later Bill pulled out a worm from my stomach. I think it was some kind of mind-altering parasite? He may have planted some in you too! I think we should isolate you from him. We can run some purification spells or something and then we can work on-“

The pain didn’t register until Dipper was already on the ground. He looked up at Dale with shock. Dale was looking at his fist, as if it had flung itself at Dipper’s face on its own. Dipper was at a loss for words.

“That’s enough, Dipper.” Dale said quietly, his gaze switching to Dipper’s face. Dale’s arms were shaking, like he was holding them back and his eyes were glassy with the threat of tears. “Just…it’s enough.” Dale repeated himself in almost a whisper before abruptly turning and disappearing back inside the house.

Dipper sat on the grass for a few more seconds before his own rage fired up inside him and he pushed himself to his feet to follow Dale inside. He carefully made his way to the kitchen, avoiding people and muttering under his breath.

“-just trying to look out for him! And this is the thanks I get! Fucking Michael. Must have him brain-washed. And I do _not_ flirt with Bill!” Dipper growled as he pulled a package of frozen spinach out of the freezer and wrapped it in a paper towel before holding it to his swelling cheek. He almost wished Dale hadn’t stopped at just one punch. That would’ve given Dipper the chance to fight back.

He grinned (wincing at the pain it caused) while he imagined himself besting Dale in a fist fight. But the good feelings from imaginary victory soon soured as Dipper played the conversation back in his head. He cringed at the stuff he’d said. He definitely should have practiced that speech. No wonder Dale had punched him. He just hoped he hadn’t put Dale in any danger.

“Pine tree?” Bill’s voice called from the other room. Dipper cringed (ow). He was not in the mood to deal with Bill just at the moment. Couldn’t the guy wait an hour or two to bug him? Dipper quickly slipped out of the kitchen into an empty tv room. As he rounded the next corner to bring him to the front hall he saw Bill following after him.

Desperate to get rid of him, Dipper opened a side door that led into a laundry room. At the back of the room was another door that led into the garage. Dipper quickly slipped out that one too and walked into the cool dark where Grenda’s truck was parked. He wondered if Bill would check underneath it as he idly pulled on a back door handle. To his surprise the truck was unlocked.

The doorknob to the garage started to turn and without a choice Dipper jumped into the truck and closed the door behind him. Just in front of him a bright light illuminated a ghostly pale face that almost made Dipper scream until he realized it was just Pacifica. She looked at him in confusion and shock behind her cell phone.

“Pine tree?” Bill’s muffled voice sounded again from the door to the garage and Dipper ducked down, holding his finger over his lips and hoping that Pacifica would get the message. She must have because she ducked down too, turning the light off on her phone.

They both stayed silent and still as they heard Bill’s footsteps walk around to check the other side of the truck. After about a minute they heard the door close again and Dipper let out a sigh of relief, slumping back on the seat. Something cold touched his hand and Dipper flinched before he realized it was just the frozen spinach. He placed it back on his swollen cheek.

Pacifica watched him silently for a moment before she spoke. “I’m gonna need a bit of an explanation here.”

Dipper smiled (ow). “Like a reason for sitting out here in the dark?” She cracked her own smile.

“I asked you first.” She pushed, reaching for the light button on the ceiling. The truck illuminated with a warm yellow.

“I got in a fight with Dale and I didn’t want to talk to Bill about it.” Dipper gave her the most concise version. Pacifica raised an eyebrow.

“Well that’s certainly one hell of a love triangle you’ve gotten yourself into.” She teased. Dipper blushed.

“It’s not a- wait, how do you know about me and Dale?” Dipper questioned. Pacifica smirked.

“I didn’t.”

Dipper mentally hit himself for falling into that trick. “We broke up and now he has a new boyfriend, who FYI, is a huge asshole! And then he hits me for pointing out what a huge asshole the guy is!” Dipper complained. It felt good to complain to someone who wouldn’t immediately call him out on his faults.

“And I take it Dale isn’t fond of your new boyfriend either?” Pacifica asked. Dipper rolled his eyes.

“Why does everyone think me and Bill are dating!? We’re not dating!”

Pacifica started to smile as if she thought Dipper was joking but then her expression turned into a frown. “Are you serious? Dipper…you and Bill have been flirting since you got here. You could practically pluck the little hearts over your heads out of the air! I’m pretty sure even _Mabel_ was getting sick of it.”

“What? No….we weren’t…..” Dipper’s cheeks lit up slowly as he realized he had pretty much been talking to Bill the whole time, despite his efforts to avoid him. Pacifica sat patiently with her eyebrows raised as he started to figure it out. “That was Bill! I wasn’t….” Pacifica crossed her arms. “W-well what about you and…Mabel!” He said, desperate for a change in subject.

To be honest he hadn’t really noticed anything between Pacifica and Mabel, he’d just gone with the first name that popped into his head. But Pacifica’s face turned bright red and she quickly avoided eye contact.

“Oh my god…you have a crush on Mabel!” Dipper gasped at the revelation. Pacifica sighed, composing herself.

“Is it obvious?” She asked quietly. Dipper shook his head. “She’s just been so nice with this whole getting kicked out of my house thing and she’s so….bright and fun, you know?” Dipper nodded this time. He did know.

Both of them sat in silence again. Then Dipper let out a long groan. “We’re both screwed aren’t we?” He said, rubbing his face. It was starting to sting less.

“What are _you_ whining about? At least your crush obviously likes you back!” Pacifica argued, leaning back into her seat as well.

“That’s part of the problem though! Like, maybe if he was less over the top with everything…?” Dipper was too embarrassed to voice the end of that thought. In fact, he was pretty sure he was going to die of embarrassment from what he’d already said. Surprisingly though, Pacifica seemed to get it.

“He does seem like he would swallow a person whole or something.” She commented with another nod. “No offense.”

Dipper chuckled. “None taken...and for what it’s worth, even though I’ve never seen Mabel express any feelings for girls, she’s pretty open-minded about that kind of stuff.” Dipper said. Pacifica gave him a sad but hopeful smile.

“Thanks Dipper.” She said. Another few seconds of silence passed between them. Dipper figured they’d probably been missing from the party for too long. Someone was bound to go looking for them soon. He reached for the door handle and saw Pacifica follow suit on her side.

“Uh…by the way…can we keep this whole thing with Bill a secret?” Dipper asked carefully.

“Oh totally. That goes ditto for my thing too.” Pacifica agreed, slamming her door shut behind her.

“You never told me why you were out here.” Dipper pressed as they both entered the laundry room.

“…I got an e-mail from my parents.” Pacifica admitted.

“What did it say?”

They paused as she held up the screen of her phone for him. It read: _Pacifica, your mother and I just want to help. If you come home and talk to us we will think about re-instating your account._

“Are…are they trying to bribe you into being straight?” Dipper was only half-joking, though it got a laugh from Pacifica.

“At least they’re willing to talk now. It’s a start.” Pacifica said with a shrug. Dipper was floored with the sudden realization of how strong Pacifica was.

He couldn’t believe he was even thinking this but…maybe he needed to be a little more like Pacifica.

“Coming?” Pacifica asked, holding the door to the front hall open. They could hear Grunkle Stan laughing at something someone had said.

“Yeah.” Dipper responded, following the blonde back to the party.

 

…

 

The rest of the party went by fairly smoothly. Dale had skipped out on the festivities before Dipper and Pacifica had returned. No one suspected Dipper of having anything to do with it though. The swelling in his cheek had died down and there weren’t any signs of bruising yet, so Dipper didn’t have to answer awkward questions either.

Bill pouted a little, obviously upset that Dipper had abandoned him, but he was easily placated by cake which Dipper fetched refills of for him four times. Really, he could have just eaten the whole thing off the serving plate. Pacifica and Dipper kept shooting each other knowing looks from across the room. Which was embarrassing but oddly comforting. At one point Dipper discreetly stuck out his tongue at her, earning himself a small laugh and a silly face made back at him.

They didn’t stay overly long. Melody got tired pretty quickly from all the excitement and her and Soos still had to set up Abuelita’s room. The goodbye hugs were all a blur of promises to see each other soon and before Dipper knew it he was back at the Mystery Shack.

“Hmmm…I think there’s enough time to open the tours up for a few hours.” Grunkle Stan thought aloud when they’d returned. “Dipper! Go man the cash register while I get ready to swindle some tourists.” He barked.

“What!? Why me? Why not…” Dipper looked around but Mable and Bill had mysteriously disappeared. After following Dipper around like a lost puppy all day it figures that Bill would disappear just when he needed him.

“What was that?” Stan asked and Dipper grumbled a ‘nothing’ in response. “Good. Oh and you’d better put some more ice on that cheek if you don’t want to scare the tourists.” Dipper froze but Grunkle Stan was already headed towards his bedroom to change.

Dipper ran to the kitchen to quickly examine himself in the toaster. His face was only slightly puffier on the one side than normal. How did Stan know? Dipper shook his head as he went for a pack of frozen peas in the freezer. He was going to have to start being more careful around the old man.

A few hours turned into a full eight and by the time Dipper dragged himself up to the attic it was dark out. He stifled a yawn and sipped on the day-old coffee he’d heated for himself, not ready to go to bed yet. He had work to do.

Dipper pulled out his grimoire from under his pillow and set to work finding protection spells. He’d already been through the book when he’d been looking for protection against Bill but maybe he’d missed something. An hour later Dipper was cursing his thorough research. There was nothing that would be of use against Michael. He sighed. Then, idly, he thumbed through the pages for chastity charms, stopping on a page that claimed cactus had special protection powers.

_The most effective way to use the cactus is to carefully but quickly shove it up one’s-_

Bill’s door nearly rattled off its hinges as Dipper stomped into his room. It swung back behind him to close itself with a loud slam. Bill looked up from his bed with surprise and amusement written on his face. Dipper threw his grimoire at him and Bill dodged easily.

“You’ve been messing with my stuff!” Dipper shouted.

“…what?” Bill asked, not trying to hide the little smirk that played on his lips. Dipper huffed angrily.

“You edited the grimoire!” He accused. Bill looked at the book where it had landed splayed out on the floor.

“I can assure you, I did not.” He said calmly. The fact that he was calm made Dipper’s blood boil.

“I should have known!” Dipper started pacing frantically. “All those references to human sacrifice and virgin blood and genitals! That stuff is right up your ally! And now it says if you want to help protect your chastity you should shove a cactus up your ass! What the fuck, Bill!?”

“Ah.” Bill said with a cheeky grin. “I see you’ve discovered that you own a grimoire of sex magic.” Dipper balked.

“…sex magic.” Dipper repeated, looking down at the old book in disgust. Bill laughed.

“Yeah it’s based on the idea that sexual energy can be harnessed through the use of ritual and spells. I mean, it’s not wrong but there’s definitely a lot of…interesting additions to those spells.” Bill explained as he slid off the bed and stood in front of Dipper with a hand on his hip. Dipper just stared at him, his brain struggling to process this new information.

“Although that does beg the question…” Bill gave him a devilish look and took a few steps toward Dipper, who unconsciously moved backwards. “Why were you looking at chastity spells?”

Dipper’s eyes went wide and he avoided eye contact. He felt fresh blood rush to his face and his heart started beating faster. “I…” He began, not really knowing what excuse he would give Bill. Maybe he could just tell him the truth? That Bill was practically a literal sex-god living in his house and Dipper was an eighteen-year-old boy and could only hold out for so long. Haha, yeah no.

Bill’s good eye did a quick once over and Dipper could feel him watching him sweat. He needed to get out of here. He needed to give Bill a good excuse and then go curl up in his bed and pretend today had never happened. He needed to-

Aw fuck it.

Dipper threw his arms around Bill’s neck and pulled him into a sloppy kiss. He counted about fifty heart beats before Bill responded, making a low growling noise against Dipper’s lips. If Dipper wasn't half out of his mind he would have noted with interest that he barely felt the pain in his cheek.  Bill’s hands dropped immediately to Dipper’s upper thighs, pulling them apart and up so that Dipper was being carried. He then slammed Dipper into the wall behind him, making Dipper lose his grip on Bill’s lips and gasp audibly.

Dipper kept his eyes closed tight, blindly going in for another kiss when Bill suddenly dropped him and he stumbled forward, almost losing his balance. He blinked at Bill as the demon casually sauntered over to his bed. He sat down on the edge, leaning back with his knees apart as if he was just lounging around.

Dipper wanted to ask “what the hell” but all that came out of his mouth was an unintelligible noise. Bill grinned wickedly at him.

“I’m bored pine tree. Did you really think I’d be that easy? I’m not that kind of guy.” Bill started. Dipper waited, mind going a mile-a-minute. He had just taken it for granted that Bill wanted to do this…had he somehow misread the signs? Dipper was started to tremble with anxiety. Bill gave him a glance with half-lidded eyes. “I’m the kind of guy you need to seduce.”

This time Dipper’s mouth open and closed without any noise. Bill looked like he was suppressing a good amount of hysterical laughter. “Seduce me, pine tree.” He said again, voice low and sultry.

To Dipper’s credit his mind was completely frazzled and he was pretty much being jerked around. So saying the first response that came to his mind was about the most he could do in this situation. Why the first response to come to mind was: “You’re…very…pretty?” Was a mystery.

Bill exploded into laughter that made Dipper’s ears ring. He could feel his already engorged blood vessels in his face getting a workout as they flushed even deeper red. Bill was fucking playing with him! Screw this. He was calling the whole thing off. Dipper turned towards the door only to see the handle lit up with blue flames.

“Aw, come on.” Bill called in a lighter tone as his laughter died down. “Try it again.” Dipper turned to face Bill, marching over to where he sat on the bed. Dipper crossed his arms grumpily and Bill quirked an eyebrow at him. He rolled his eyes, knowing he was going to lose if they had a stare down. It was pretty obvious from Bill's stance what Dipper should do. He took a deep breath to prepare himself and dropped down to his knees so that he was on the floor between Bill’s legs. Dipper brought his shaking hands up to Bill’s knees and slid them slowly up his thighs. He rested his head against the inside of Bill’s leg and in what was hopefully a suggestive voice said: “What do you want me to do?”

Bill’s face split into a grin. “That’s better.” He purred. Then in answer to Dipper’s question: “Take off my pants.” Dipper bit the inside of his lip nervously but boldly brought his hands up to the waist of Bill’s jeans. His mind was kind of frazzled and the nervousness was making him giddy. He tried to just focus on the task at hand. He fumbled slightly with the belt but recovered quickly to unzip Bill’s pants. Grabbing the sides, Dipper started to pull the fabric down as Bill lifted his hips slightly.

“You’re not wearing underwear!?” Dipper choked. Bill’s only response was to laugh. Dipper swallowed and focused his eyes elsewhere as he pulled the jeans down to Bill’s ankles and then completely off. Realizing he was probably going to have to look at Bill sooner or later, he took a deep breath and then faced the thing head on.

To be honest he didn’t look that much different from Dipper. Not that he’d ever had a chance to view himself at quite this angle. Bill’s dick was a little longer and maybe a touch…girthier than Dipper. Dipper was pretty relieved. He had kind of been expecting something absurd, like a pyramid dick or maybe a void into nothingness.

Bill coughed and Dipper heated up when he realized he’d just been staring. Gingerly, he brought up a hand to touch it. Bill’s dick was hot in his hand and started to stiffen as Dipper explored it with his fingertips. He found the scientific part of his brain commenting on how interesting the textures were. Which was stupid. It wasn’t like Dipper didn’t have his own dick to touch. He almost lost it though when his brain started to imagine writing down descriptions of this in his journal under Bill’s page.

“Use your mouth.” Bill ordered suddenly in a low voice, bringing Dipper back into the mood. Dipper’s eyes flicked up to meet Bill’s and he was half shocked at how clouded over with lust his good eye was. His false eye was closed, as if he was trying to focus all of his sight through just the one pupil. Dipper gulped, feeling Bill’s gaze still on him and gingerly extended his tongue, flicking it across the head. The bed creaked as Bill’s hands gripped the sheets. Getting a little braver, Dipper did a longer lick, all the way from the base to the tip. Bill’s cock twitched in response.

Dipper paused for a second to gear himself up then he opened his mouth and pushed most of Bill’s dick inside. Bill let out a soft moan as Dipper swirled his tongue around the skin. He rolled the skin around his mouth experimentally, ignoring the slightly salty taste of sweat and skin. The noises Bill was making made Dipper’s pants feel suffocating and he moved one hand down to palm himself through his jeans. With the other hand he reached around Bill’s thigh, gripping the muscle from the top to give himself some leverage. He could feel the leg muscles clenching and unclenching as he licked.

Dipper recoiled his head to swallow before taking Bill in his mouth again and bobbing his head loosely up and down. He was pretty certain it was obvious he had no idea what he was doing. On one of his up strokes he accidentally grazed Bill with his teeth. Luckily Bill seemed to enjoy it, groaning loudly and leaning farther back on the bed. Dipper tried to repeat the move a few times until he needed to swallow again. He started to lift his head but Bill suddenly gripped his hair and arched into him, forcing him to swallow around Bill.

“Pine…tree…” Bill whined breathily, rolling his hips. His nails worked their way over Dipper’s scalp, causing Dipper to shiver. He groped himself harder through his jeans. Bill started to pick up the pace, pressing deep against the back of Dipper’s throat. Dipper’s hand kneaded the top of Bill’s thigh and he tentatively opened his eyes to see Bill’s head tilted back and his stomach muscles undulating. Dipper tried to open his jaw even wider. Then, with a loud breathless cry, Bill locked his legs behind Dipper’s head, shivering as hot cum splashed against the back of Dipper’s tongue. Bill’s legs were twitching around Dipper’s ears and Dipper could feel his throat convulse, trying to swallow Bill’s cum before he choked on it. When Bill finally relaxed Dipper withdrew, trailing spit strings.

Dipper sat back and took a look at Bill’s half-naked body and let out a tiny whine. He wasn’t quite there yet and touching himself through his jeans was getting him nowhere. He closed his eyes and slid both hands beneath the waist band of his underwear. But just as he was reaching himself, two hands grabbed his wrists, pulling them out of his pants. His eyes shot open to see a grinning Bill leaning over him. Dipper struggled against the grip but his arms were held tight.

“Bill…” Dipper breathed, a mixture of anger and desperation in his voice. Bill’s grin widened, splitting his face almost in two. He was looking a little manic.

“I want to see how long you can last.” He said, pulling hard on Dipper’s arms so that Dipper was dragged over top of him and onto the bed. Then Bill rolled him over so Dipper was lying on his back. A warm tingling spread over his wrists and ankles and Dipper looked up to see Bill’s hands had been replaced with a cerulean flame. He struggled uselessly against the binds.

“This again?” Dipper muttered, unimpressed. Bill’s eyebrows quirked and he was soon shut up by the feeling of a teasing finger tracing across the band of skin between his shirt and his pants. “Hnnnnnnghh” was all the noise that came out of Dipper’s mouth as his stomach muscles tightened. The finger did a few tickling revolutions of the area before Bill slowly trailed his hands up, pushing up Dipper’s shirt and making his skin come alive with shivers.

Dipper could feel his cock throbbing with every heart beat. The pressure behind Bill’s fingers on his chest was barely there. Just enough that he could feel them but not enough to actually scratch the itch. It was torture and torture had never felt so good.

He squirmed, ankles fighting against the lower binds as he tried to lift his hips off the bed. It didn’t do him any good but he was falling apart and if Dipper didn’t get some relief soon he was afraid he might actually spontaneously combust. He could hear Bill chuckling at his attempts and he opened his eyes to glare at the demon. Bill met his gaze. The good eye’s pupil had narrowed into a thin slit, like that of a lizard or a cat. He grinned his signature grin and then dipped his head down just below Dipper’s rib-cage. His tongue flicked out over Dipper’s skin and Dipper whimpered helplessly.

Bill moved slowly lower, tongue flickering across the center of Dipper’s abdomen. Unintelligible half-words and moans fell from Dipper’s mouth as his head rolled from side to side. A particularly loud ‘Bill!’ ripped out of his throat when he felt Bill’s abnormally long tongue wiggle into his belly button. The hot, wet appendage writhed inside the shallow hole. Dipper could feel his eyes rolling back under his lids in pleasure. Then, Bill bit down into the skin just below his navel, hard and sharp.

Dipper was undone. His hips bucked as he came, pleasure shooting through his body in quick spasms. The heat in his skin finally came to a head just before he burst into flames and he could almost feel the sheen of sweat sizzling as it dripped off him. He let out a sigh while he came down. Dipper found his hands and ankles had been freed and he took the opportunity to wiggle them into more comfortable positions. He felt Bill lie down next to him and opened his eyes again to look at the demon.

Bill’s hair was shiny with sweat and stuck to his skin. His cheeks had the faintest hint of red to them and he had a contented smirk on his face. Dipper looked away, suddenly embarrassed. He was too aware of everywhere Bill was still touching him. The silence in the room felt awkward, only broken by the two’s heavy breathing.

“Bi-“ Dipper began, but Bill rolled over and stuck a hand over his mouth.

“Shhhhh.” He said in sleepy voice. Bill nuzzled into Dipper’s neck, making him flush red anew. But he was also feeling tired, spent from their recent…activities. It wouldn’t hurt to have a bit of nap would it? Dipper relaxed, letting his eyes slip closed and listening to the sound of Bill’s breathing.

And in less than a minute he was fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update woohoo!!
> 
> Okay so it may look like I'm shoe-horning some Mabifica in here for shipping's sake but I swear it is actually important to the plot. 
> 
> Also smut. Glorious smut. In this chapter and definitely the next. It will be pretty healthy right now but we will get to the sick and twisted stuff a bit later so bare with me.
> 
> (Also look at this beautiful triangular Bill in a dress: http://purpelsonic.tumblr.com/post/124731817226/sometimes-you-just-need-to-sketch-things-in-ms)
> 
> Thank you for reading!! ('3')


	15. Getting (It) Up

For about nine seconds after Dipper woke up he was comfortable. For about nine seconds he thought he was asleep in his bedroom up in the attic. But then the pillow had begun to feel a little…fleshy and everything rushed back into his head at once. He froze, trying to keep himself very still as he assessed his situation.

Okay. There was a very good chance that Dipper was lying on top of Bill right now and an even better chance that he had done something unspeakable last night. But it was okay. He could feel Bill’s chest rising and falling steadily beneath him. So that meant he was still asleep and Dipper could just…slip out and pretend nothing had happened. That sounded reasonable.

Dipper slowly opened his eyes to find that yes, he was using Bill’s chest as a pillow. Carefully his pushed himself up and turned his head to get a look at Bill’s sleeping face.

And he nearly fell off the bed.

Bill’s eyes were open and staring at Dipper. Sometime during the night he must have removed his false eye because the wet flesh was visible behind the lid. The two of them just stared at each other, Dipper not breathing until finally Bill stretched out into a huge yawn.

“Going somewhere pine tree?” Bill asked as he sat up. And yup, Dipper was blushing again.

“No…no….I was just…” He tried to slide off the bed and stand up but the blankets tangle around his legs and he fell to the floor with a loud thump. Dipper quickly righted himself again, trying to ignore Bill’s smirk. “…thinking I needed to take a shower…..so….I’m going to go do that.” He walked backward slowly towards the door, tripping again as he got near it. Dipper caught himself that time. “Take a shower that  is…” Bill just watched him, a hint of amusement in his eye.

As soon as he was in the hallway, Dipper fled as quickly as he could to the bathroom. There was a swarm of emotions buzzing around inside his head as he stripped off his clothes. He felt excited and embarrassed but also kind of…dirty? Or maybe sinful was the right word? It sort of felt like he’d just let himself be used for something, even though logically that didn’t make any sense. I mean, Dipper had kind of “used” Bill too…so if anything it was an even trade. But thinking about it like that made him feel even more confused so he pushed it all out of his head and focused on scrubbing his skin until it was a bright pink. The tiny bruise below his belly button was barely noticeable by the time he finished his shower and Dipper let the refreshed feeling lay over him. Like a blanket, smothering the buzz of new feelings.

He wrapped himself in a towel and went up to his room to change. He whistled half-nervously while he dressed. When Dipper was finished he crept downstairs to the kitchen where Mabel was leaning against the counter with a piece of toast and jam in her hand. She gave her brother a suspicious look when he enterred the room.

“You never came upstairs to bed last night.” She said, watching Dipper carefully. Dipper willed himself not to blush but he couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact so he buried his head in the refrigerator instead, pretending to look for something to eat.

“Good morning to you to.” He quipped back. When Mabel didn’t say anything, Dipper sighed internally and picked the orange juice out of the fridge. “I decided to watch some tv…and fell asleep on the couch.” It wasn’t an unbelievable lie.

“Is that my new nick-name? “Couch?”” Bill interrupted from behind him. Dipper nearly dropped the glass he was reaching for. He saw Mabel look between him and Bill, a smile slowly consuming her face. A small squealing noise started to whistle out of her mouth.

“Mabel don’t-“ Dipper tried but it was too late. The screech came out of her full blast.

“EEEEEEE! Dipper! You and Bill? Bill and you!?” She bounced up and down excitedly. Oh god, why was she even excited? Dipper felt his ears burn up. His sister was in match-maker Mabel mode. “I’m so happy for you two!!!” Mabel put down her toast to give her twin a hug. Dipper rolled his eyes and blushed deeper when he felt Bill join the hug from behind him. They were totally doing this just to screw with him.

“Do you three have to do that so early in the morning?” A gravelly voice came from Stan as he walked in on the group hug. Dipper took that as his cue to try and untangle himself but both Bill and Mabel seemed to have made an unspoken agreement to make fun of him this morning and neither would allow him to move.

“Help.” He cried, making eye contact with Grunkle Stan. He could see the suppressed smile on the old man’s lips.

“First one out of the kitchen gets out of re-stocking duty today.” Stan offered, taking a sip of coffee from his mug. Mabel moved faster than Bill and needless to say, Dipper. She ran so fast out of the kitchen that her socked feet slid across the floor and the three of them heard a loud thump that must have been her head colliding with a wall.

“I’m okay.” She called back. Bill snorted.

“That wasn’t fair.” Dipper pouted, taking a step away from Bill. Grunkle Stan shrugged.

“New shipment came in this morning. I need everything that’s not going in the shop to be stacked in the garage. And it better be organized.” Stan warned before stalking out of the room so that Dipper wouldn’t have the chance to argue.

Dipper sighed. Then a tingle worked its way up his spine as he realized he would be working alone with Bill all day. He side-eyed the demon and tried to suppress the blush when they made eye contact. Dipper cleared his throat and looked away.

“Well, might as well go get this over with.” Dipper said, heading out towards the garage. He had to force himself to slow down and walk normally, even though his heart-rate was going for a world record and he kind of wanted to run as fast and as far as he could.

Bill followed silently, his usual grin on his face. He hadn’t changed into fresh clothes and his hair was a mess of squished bedhead but he had put in a new prosthesis that had a red iris. When they entered the garage, Bill’s footsteps made no sound, while Dipper’s seemed to scuff loud echoes.

The garage was a separate building off to the side of the mystery shack. Stan had built it a few years after Mabel and Dipper had first started coming down to visit. It functioned more as a storehouse for shack merchandise and was filled with shelves containing boxes of various novelty shirts or bobbleheads. Mabel and Dipper organized and sorted everything almost every summer. And every time they came back the place was in shambles again.

It actually didn’t look too bad this time. The place was no longer alphabetized and there were t-shirts scattered everywhere but at least most of the merchandise seemed to be on the shelves. The new boxes of stuff were stacked by the garage entrance.

“Okay well we should start by counting up all the old stock.” Dipper said, leaning over to pick up one of the xxxl shirts off the ground. His shirt rode up a little on his back and a couple of fingers ghosted briefly across the exposed skin. Dipper snapped up straight and whipped around but Bill was already across the room, digging through a box of Mystery Shack brand eight-balls.

Dipper let out a shaky exhale and nervously walked towards the back of the room where some clipboards listing the merchandise were hanging against the wall. Just as he went to lift one off of its hook he felt Bill press against him from behind and breathe into his ear. Dipper jolted, yanking the clipboard off the wall and tripping over one of Bill’s feet. Luckily Bill was more coordinated than he was, and he caught Dipper by the shoulders.

“Well don’t hurt yourself.” Bill commented, his voice even parts annoyance and amusement. Dipper straightened himself up and turned around, carefully looking at his feet.

“Thanks.” He mumbled, holding the clipboard to his chest. Even without looking he could feel Bill’s eyes narrowing on him. The silence that stretched between them was thick and made the pounding of Dipper’s heart more audible in his ears. Slowly, Bill raised a hand to touch Dipper’s shoulder and Dipper flinched.

Bill made an annoyed noise. “As hilarious as it is to see you so jumpy, I’m starting to feel insulted.” The hand he’d brought up came to rest on the wall behind Dipper. Bill leaned into the way of Dipper’s gaze, blocking his view of the floor. He had no choice but to look into the golden and red eyes.

“I-I’m sorry…I don’t know w-what I’m…” Dipper trailed off, the buzzing in his head made it hard to think. He tried to take a few steady breathes but they came in too quick and he thought he was going to start hyperventilating.

To Dipper’s surprise, Bill took a step back, giving him some space to breathe and think. Bill crossed his arms in front of his chest and seemed to wait for Dipper to steady himself before he spoke.

“Look. I know _I_ enjoyed last night and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you enjoyed it too.” Dipper felt his face heat up. “So, I don’t understand what your problem is.”

To be honest, neither did Dipper. Bill had a point, he _had_ enjoyed himself. So why was he so nervous? Because he was new to all this? Because Bill might be expecting something Dipper couldn’t deliver? Because it was _Bill_ he was doing this with? Dipper opened his mouth to say something and Bill dove in, pressing their lips together and shoving his long tongue inside Dipper’s mouth. If Dipper hadn’t known any better he would have thought Bill had lit his mouth on fire. The heat crackled pleasantly though and as Bill’s tongue slid across his, he felt his eyes start to close. Then, remembering where they were, Dipper gave Bill a weak shove, pushing him back.

“W-we can’t.” Dipper whispered, looking behind Bill at the open garage door. No one was around.

“Why not?” Bill asked, exasperation heavy in his tone. “Is this some kind of self-deprevation thing?” Dipper pursed his lips, forcing his brain into working. It looked like he had two choices. He could either make out with Bill, which would probably increase the probability of future makeout opportunities or he could push Bill away and focus on restocking, which would probably lead to Bill being a pouty brat.

“Well?” Bill pushed, raising his eyebrows.

“Shut up. I’m thinking.” Dipper muttered. Bill’s mouth split back into a smile, as if he could see the solution Dipper was leaning towards. Dipper sighed. “Okay…but I don’t want to have to take another shower.” Bill pounced, knocking Dipper off balance until he slid down the wall behind him. Bill leaned over him, kneeling between Dipper’s legs.

“I’m afraid that’s going to depend on your stamina.” He purred menacingly. Dipper had enough time to gulp before Bill attacked his lips again and ground against Dipper. Waves of heat spread over his body and soon Dipper’s arms had forgotten the clipboard trapped between them and dug themselves into Bill’s shirt to pull him closer.

In the end, Dipper did end up needing a shower.

He was covered in cobwebs and dust from almost every part of the garage. Restocking had taken them the entire day. Probably because every time Bill got bored he’d start being…distracting.

Dipper changed into his pajamas in the bathroom to avoid Mabel’s comments on the hickeys that dotted his chest. On his way back up to the attic he wondered if Bill expected him to go to his room again. But just the thought of Bill’s knowing smirk when he showed up at his door made his face burn with embarrassment. So he stayed in his own bed, trying to calm his heart down until he fell into an uneasy sleep.

“Helloooo pine tree!” Bill sang, voice echoing throughout Dipper’s mindscape. Or at least he figured it was his mindscape. Everything around him was a kind of mottled gray and there was no distinguishable sense of direction. Even though Dipper could feel his feet flat on the ground he couldn’t see anything underneath him to indicate he was standing on something solid.

“Hello Bill.” Dipper replied with a loud yawn. The glowing yellow triangle drifted around him, looking pleased with itself. Then he parked himself in front of Dipper’s face. The edges of his eye crinkled and Dipper saw a flash of an evil grin in his mind’s eye.

Bill snapped his fingers and Dipper’s clothes disappeared. Dipper yelped and instinctively bent forward to try and cover himself. Bill drifted behind him and he felt a pinch on his butt cheek that made him straighten up.

Dipper realized there was probably no use in trying to cover up. So he tried to relax, crossing his arms as Bill flew around him, eye darting over his skin. He scratched a spot on his arm nervously.

“Not bad. Not bad.” Bill said as he examined Dipper. Dipper rolled his eyes, feeling himself blush (yet again). He was starting to get annoyed with the way Bill teased him over every little thing. Although he really couldn’t blame the demon. Dipper knew he became disheveled at almost every little thing. He wished he didn’t but that was just who he was. If only Bill had something that made _him_ uncomfortable, something that would let Dipper push back a little…

The corner of his mouth twitched as something suddenly came to mind. The movement didn’t go unnoticed by Bill and the triangle pulled his gaze away from Dipper’s body to look at Dipper with suspicion.

“What?” Bill asked. Dipper grinned and then shot out his hands to grab Bill and pull his weird little body into a tight hug.

Dipper felt surges of something like electricity shoot through his arms and chest. His muscles tensed and jittered and Bill’s shape seemed to warp and blink before his eyes. After a few seconds whatever was going on calmed down to a dull, almost tickling hum across his skin where his skin connected with Bill.

“Alright, that’s enough.” Bill said, his voice sounding kind of strained. Dipper relaxed a little, letting Bill have some space between him and his arms. He looked down at the reddish hue that coloured Bill’s body.

“I’m…not hurting you or anything, right?” Dipper asked, suddenly concerned. Bill rolled his eye.

“What kind of demon would I be if I got hurt by someone touching me?” Bill snapped.

“Then why don’t you like to be touched?” Dipper questioned. The hue in Bill’s surface deepened. Was that a blush?

“I’m a being of pure energy.” Bill explained. “When I touch something that is…conductive it kind of pulls me in that direction. It’s not difficult to pull myself back but it can get annoying when someone intentionally tries to tug on me.” Bill shifted in Dipper’s arms, seeming to get more comfortable. “I’m surprised you didn’t drop me though. Usually that kind of thing is unpleasant for puller.”

Dipper shrugged. “It kind of just felt like you were vibrating…like really violently.”

“Vibrating eh?” Bill echoed, scratching a spot that could have been his chin with one of his tiny hands. “I could work with that.” Before Dipper had a chance to ask, there was a loud popping noise and Bill disappeared from his grip.

“Bill?” Dipper looked around but didn’t see the glowing triangle anywhere. His chest still felt tingly though and when he looked down he could see a triangular shaped light on his skin. It was almost like someone was shining a spotlight on him. The light shrunk slightly, intensifying the tingling sensation and making Dipper squirm. Then the light shrunk to a tiny speck that burned like an electric shock.

“Ow!” Dipper cried, rubbing the now red triangular mark as the light returned to a larger size. Bill’s laughter vibrated through his ears. Dipper felt Bill move slowly up his neck and then back over his chest, his heart struggling to beat in time with the quick tremoring it caused. The light started to shrink again, this time into a thin band that stretched across his nipples.

Dipper yelped and quickly brought his hands up to cover the sensitive spots. But this wasn’t like a normal light. The heat didn’t move to the back of his hands. Rather it stayed underneath them, making his pecs tense up and his nipples stiffen. The sensation was painful enough that he couldn’t ignore it but it was also weirdly pleasant. Like the light was forcing excitement into his very skin. His tongue wet his lips, biting down to suppress a moan. It was almost too much stimulation for him. Dipper wiggled his toes and clenched his abs as he tried to get a hold of himself.

The light moved again, back to a large triangle shape. It slid around his back and vibrated up to Dipper’s neck. His head lurched backwards in response to the tickling and a whine hummed inside Dipper’s clenched tight mouth. The vibrations slithered down his spine until they sat at a spot just at the end of Dipper’s tale bone that made his lower back arch.

His body was starting to respond. Dipper could feel the throbbing taking over and he moved his hands lower to find some relief. He half-expected the magic binds to jerk his hands away again but Bill let him stroke himself for a few minutes before moving. Through half-slitted eyes, Dipper could see the light move slowly across his stomach. He gasped, almost panting, and slid his hands up and down faster.

Dipper didn’t know if it was some kind of mindscape control from Bill that kept him from coming or if perhaps his body was building up some endurance. But teetering on the edge was quickly becoming his favourite sensation. There was another low laugh in Dipper’s ears as Bill’s light slipped over his hands, making his fingers vibrate. A loud groan dripped from Dipper’s mouth. He skated his thrumming fingers under his balls and up the length of his shaft. The movement elicited more moans from his mouth and he shuddered as hips wiggled and undulated, far past his control.

Dipper tried to keep his eyes open to see what Bill would do. The light was shrinking towards his fingertips, making them burn with heat. Then on the next stroke, as he rolled his fingers up to the head of his dick, the light jumped, a tiny pinprick that shivered over his small, already leaking slit.

Sparks invaded Dipper’s vision as he came. His entire body shuddered at the sharp assault to his cock. Dipper’s eyes squeezed close so he couldn’t see the light move but he only felt the hot burn for a moment before the vibrations seemed to even out over his whole body. It took a few seconds for the trembling to subside.

When he opened his eyes. Bill was floating above him, looking casual. His colour was back to its regular yellow hue. Dipper’s body felt heavy and exhausted but he didn’t want to go to sleep just yet. (Although technically he was already asleep?) He shook his head and sat up, conjuring up some clothes for himself while he did. Bill shrunk down to stand on his knee, while he leaned on his cane.

“You’re probably going to need another shower in the morning.” Bill commented with a chuckle. Dipper laughed nervously. He was finding it hard to look Bill in the face again.

“Oh I see. This is really just a ploy to get me to bathe more often, isn’t it?” Dipper tried to joke back. Bill laughed louder and held up his hands. His cane stood on Dipper’s knee by itself.

“You caught me pine tree. My ultimate plan for this dimension is to unleash the worst evil of all – cleanliness.” He added sarcastically. Dipper smiled at the easy banter but it turned to a frown as a thought occurred to him.

“Uh…I’m not like….talking and moving around in my sleep while we do this right?” He asked. Bill leaned on his cane again and shrugged.

“Possibly.” He answered. Dipper felt himself blush.

“Oh man. I hope Mabel hasn’t noticed…” He muttered. This went beyond a little late-night reading keeping his sister up.

“Oh that. You don’t need to worry about that. Your uncle and sister are in a deep sleep. Nothing short of a hurricane could wake them.” Bill explained. Dipper raised his eyebrows at the triangle. “What? I don’t like to be interrupted.”

A small shiver of fear went down Dipper’s spine but he tried to keep himself smiling anyways. It wasn’t like Bill was using his powers for anything…bad. Still, he’d prefer it if he didn’t use them on his family.

“Maybe I should see about moving out of the shack.” Dipper mused. It was mostly a joke though. There was no way he was going anywhere with less than five hundred in his bank account.

“You can always just move into my room.” Bill suggested, twirling his cane.

“Pfft. Yeah. I’m sure Grunkle Stan would be totally up for allowing that.” Dipper said in a flat voice. Bill’s expression changed for a split second and Dipper narrowed his eyes at the demon. “And don’t you go messing with his mind.”

“Me? I wouldn’t dream of it!” Bill gave him an innocent look. Well, as innocent as a glowing triangle with one eye could look.  A yawn broke through Dipper’s teeth and his mouth stretched wide to accommodate.

“I should let you finish your REM cycle.” Bill said. Dipper shook his head.

“I’m not even-“ He meant to finish with ‘tired’ but another yawn interrupted him. Bill gave him a soft pat on the leg.

“Goodnight pine tree. I’ll see you tomorrow!” Bill bid farewell. Dipper felt his eyes start to droop.

“Goodnight Bill.” He managed to mutter before the darkness overcame him.

 

…

 

The next few days were hard for Dipper.

Bill was…insatiable. Every time Dipper turned around he was being hauled off to a corner to be ravished. When Dipper tried to get some laundry done, Bill had made his way into the laundry room and pushed Dipper up against the machine until the vibrations had their way with him. Every night was filled with erotic dreams. Sometimes the mindscape had dozens of Bills that licked every inch of his body. Sometimes it was just Bill and him rolling around in the darkness.

Needless to say, Dipper quickly became exhausted.

The only good thing (okay, okay, not the _only_ good thing) about spending so much time with Bill was that the weird buzzing of emotions that had plagued Dipper at the beginning was starting to disappear. He didn’t feel nearly as apprehensive or embarrassed as he had been feeling around Bill. He was starting to be able to relax.

One time Bill had followed Dipper out into the forest and pounced on him. He had held Dipper up against a tree and was starting to work his way down to the throbbing bulge in Dipper’s pants when a butterfly landed on his nose. Bill’s good eye turned inward to focus on it and Dipper had burst out laughing at the ridiculous expression. It took him a good two minutes to calm down and when he finally did he had tears in the corner of his eyes. Bill had looked at him with a strange smile on his face.

“ _There_ you are.” He’d said, and Dipper didn’t have time to ask him what he meant before they resumed their…previous activities.

Of course the bad thing about spending so much time with Bill is that it was pretty transparent what they were doing. Mabel teased Dipper relentlessly and it was only a matter of time before Grunkle Stan caught on.

Dipper and Bill were doing the dishes after dinner one night. Mabel had managed to skip out on clean up duty and Grunkle Stan sat at the table finishing up.

When they were almost finished, Bill squirted Dipper with a splash of warm, soapy dish water. Dipper laughed and threw his drying towel at Bill’s face.

“Alright Grunkle Stan. We’re done.” Dipper turned to announce. He felt a quick pinch on his buttocks and had to fight to keep his expression neutral. Grunkle Stan eyed both of them over.

“Sit down. I’ve got something to talk to both of you about.” Grunkle Stan gestured to the seats on either side of him. Bill and Dipper exchanged a glance before sitting down. Dipper was pretty sure he know what this was about. He swallowed as his heart started to panic against his rib cage.

Once they were seated Grunkle Stan leaned back to look at them both. “Now, I know you two think you’re being subtle. And I know I set the example that if you can break the rules as long as you’re not getting caught. So let me make this clear: as long as you live under my roof the sex stops.”

Dipper felt the blush rise to his cheeks and it got worse when he only managed to blurt out the first thought that came to his head. “That’s not fair.”

Both Bill and Grunkle Stan stared at him. Well, might as well go all in. Dipper cleared his throat. “I’m an adult now. So I should have some say in the rules. B-besides, if we’re going to go out and rent a hotel room anyways, then does it really matter where we do it?”

Bill recovered faster than Grunkle Stan, mouth splitting into a wide grin. Grunkle Stan’s eyes just narrowed at Dipper.

“So you think you’re an adult now, do you?” Grunkle Stan asked. “Well then let’s have an adult conversation. How about you two explain to me what gay sex is like? Obviously I don’t have a lot of experience in that subject so I should probably learn what it’s all about.” Dipper’s eyes went wide but Bill’s grin just spread wider.

“What would you like to know?” He asked pleasantly. The son of a bitch was encouraging Stan!

“Well…” Grunkle Stan paused to scratch his chin. “Men have to go through the back door with other men, right? That seems like it would be pretty painful.”

“On the contrary.” Bill answered, grin still maniacally wide. “You just have to take the proper precautions. Personally I’m a bigger fan of a long foreplay session.”

Dipper screamed internally while Grunkle Stan nodded. “I do know a thing or two about that. Let me tell you, back in my day there quite a few ladies who knew the touch of Stan Pines magic fingers.”

“OH MY GOD! I take it back! You win! I’m not an adult!” Dipper shouted in distress. Grunkle Stan just looked at him.

“Oh no kid. You don’t get to back out of this now. Now, tell me about these preparations Bill. I assume we’re talking about some kind of lubrication?” Grunkle Stan continued, much to Bill’s amusement.

Dipper let out a tiny sob and started banging his head on the table.

 

…

 

“-and they just kept talking for hours! I’m pretty sure I’m scarred for life.” Dipper cried into his laptop later that evening. He heard Pacifica laughing on the other end. Dipper had found himself in need of someone to talk to about this whole thing with Bill and there was no way he was talking to Mabel about his sex life. Wendy had history with Bill so she was out of the question. Pacifica had been the next most reasonable option.

“Wow that is rough! Did Grunkle Stan at least give you his blessing?” She asked.

Dipper groaned. “Yeah but now Bill is all over me, like twice as much! And I can’t get any rest because every time I fall asleep! BAM! There he is!” He’d explained to Pacifica what exactly Bill was. He’d half expected a lecture but instead she’d just said ‘so you like the bad boys’ and dropped it. Occasionally he could tell she got a little weirded out by the idea of a demon hanging around the Mystery Shack but she kept it mostly to herself. Dipper definitely appreciated the efforts she was making.

“Dipper, if you humble-brag anymore about all the sex you’re having I swear to god I’m going to vomit into a bag and mail it to you.” Pacifica retorted.

“I’m not bragging!” Dipper sighed. He was kind of bragging. “How goes things on your end?” He asked. In exchange for being his sounding board for Bill topics, Dipper had been feeding Pacifica information about his sister. Nothing overly personal but just things like her likes and dislikes and maybe a few embarrassing stories.

“Good! I think I’m going to-“

“Hey Dip! Who’re you talking to up here?” Mabel suddenly came blasting through the door.

“No one.” Dipper answered at the same time as Pacifica said “Hey Mabel!”

“Is that Pacifica? Hi Pacifica!” Mabel jumped onto Dipper’s bed and put her chin on his shoulder so Pacifica could see her through the camera.

“Hey Mabel!” Pacifica said again, ignoring Dipper’s eye roll. “I was just thinking about you! Next week, do you want to go out somewhere with me? I want to thank you for being such an awesome person through, you know, my whole ordeal.” How was it fair that Pacifica could speak normally in front of a crush, while Dipper always stuttered like an idiot?

“You don’t have to thank me, Pacifica! I’m your friend! That’s what friends do.” Mabel exclaimed. Dipper winced internally at the word ‘friend’. But Pacifica seemed unperturbed.

“I know but I want to anyways! We can do something fun! I heard the local animal shelter was going to have an adoption event.”

Mabel eyes grew large with excitement. “Really!? Ohmigosh I am so there! Text me the deets!!” Pacifica laughed brightly.

“I will. Grenda wants to use the computer so I have to go. But I’ll talk to you both later!” Pacifica said, waving through her camera.

“Bye!” The twins said in unison before Pacifica logged off. Sure enough, two minutes later Mabel’s phone received a text message with the ‘deets’ for their date. Mabel was beaming while she read them. Dipper had a feeling that was going to be the day Pacifica made her move.

“Excited?” Dipper asked.

“Yes!!” She squealed, probably imagining cuddling with dozens of puppies and kitties. Dipper yawned and leaned back on his pillows. Mabel sat up and her smiley expression soon turned into a concerned one.

“Dipper…” She started. _Here it comes again._ Dipper thought. “I know you’re having a lot of fun with Bill…but you’re being careful right?” Dipper didn’t answer. She’d asked him this before a few times, Mabel should know the answer by now. She continued. “I mean, don’t you think this is a little suspicious? He shows up out of nowhere and suddenly he’s your boyfriend? Not to mention he did practically the same thing with Wendy.”

“I’m not stupid Mabel.” Dipper snapped, then when he saw her hurt expression he sighed. “As far as I know, all Bill wants to do is raise a nephilim army and probably conquer the world. I’m probably more of a temporary amusement if anything. So it’s fine.” Mabel looked less than convinced. “Trust me!” Dipper added. Mabel frowned slightly but didn’t say anything more.

Dipper yawned again, blinking his eyes slowly. It was getting harder and harder to stay awake for more than a few hours. Dipper didn’t know what it was about the mindscape that sapped energy out of him. He’d always thought the mindscape functioned more like a dream but unfortunately that didn’t seem to be quite the case.

His eyes slipped closed without him even noticing. The sound of Mabel getting ready for bed was the last thing he heard before Dipper drifted off to the mindscape.

“HEY KID!” Bill screamed in his ear. Dipper clapped both hands over his ears and scowled at the glowing triangle. Bill chuckled as he reached for the belt in Dipper’s pants. (He hadn’t had the energy to change into pajamas.) Bill was getting straight to the point it seemed.

“Listen, Bill. Can we take a break for tonight?” Dipper said. Bill froze and looked up at Dipper from his half unzipped jeans. Dipper squirmed a little uncomfortably under the gaze. “I mean, I don’t know if you can kill somebody with too much…sex but if we keep going like this we might find out.” Bill let go of Dipper’s jeans and floated up near his face.

“Jeez. I thought you humans were supposed to have a lot of stamina at this age.” He commented, making Dipper blush. “But I suppose I could give you a night off, let you catch up on your beauty sleep.” He pinched Dipper’s cheek on the word ‘beauty’. Bill started to float backwards, fading a little into the gray fog of the mindscape.

“Pleasant dreams!” He called, tipping his hat.

“Wait!” Dipper shouted. Bill stopped and started to fade back into his sight.

“Yes?” He asked. His voice went up at the end as if he was expecting Dipper to change his mind about the sex. Dipper scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Um…I’m not completely ready for sleep yet. So we could…maybe talk? Like, for a few minutes.” He suggested, sitting up in a cross-legged position.

Bill shrunk and floated down to sit on Dipper’s knee. “About what?” Dipper shrugged.

“I dunno. Anything.” Dipper paused, thinking. “You were gone for a pretty long time after we banished you from gravity falls. Where were you for those years?” Bill’s eye narrowed at the mention of his banishment but he ignored the comment.

“I had some other things to tie up. Mostly in Egypt.”

“What’s Egypt like?” Dipper asked, resting his arm on his other knee so he could prop his head up with it.

“Oh you know, it’s got some sand….a lot of tourists…nice taste in architecture…” Bill answered.

“Were the pyramids really built by aliens?” Dipper threw Bill a wild ball. Bill would have been grinning if he had a mouth.

“You humans. Always looking to the heavens for answers when the real answers lie under your feet.” Bill said. Dipper thought for a minute.

“Sub-terranean mole people built the pyramids?”

“Worms.”

“Worms.” Dipper repeated, raising his eyebrows.

“Think about it. Hundreds of thousands of earth diggers. Cut one in half and you get two worms instead of one. All working together under the hive mind.” Bill made gestures with his hands as he talked.

“Wait…worms have a hive mind?” Dipper considered the possibilities. Just as he was starting to believe it he heard a noise that sounded like a stifled laugh coming from Bill. He scowled.

“You’re messing with me!” He accused. Bill burst into laughter.

“Man you shoulda seen your face! Only you would be dumb enough to believe worms made the pyramids!”

Dipper scowled and tried to stifle a yawn.

“Well I suppose that’s enough for bedtime stories.” Bill said, conjuring up a bed under Dipper and floating away from Dipper’s knee. Dipper lay back on the soft plushness, pulling up the bedsheets.

“You never answered my question.” He pointed out sleepily. Bill ignored him, tucking him in with tiny black hands. “Hey.” Dipper said suddenly, grabbing on of Bill’s hands. Bill hesitated, hovering over him.

“I’m sorry I’m not up for…anything tonight.” Dipper apologized with a blush. Bill carefully unlocked his hand from Dipper’s grasp and patted him on the head.

“If you apologized for every weakness your human body plagued you with, apologies would be the only thing you would say.” Bill said. “Besides, I’ve got plenty of memories to work with.” As he said it a few pictures of Dipper’s panting face flashed across his surface. Dipper’s blush deepened and he brought up the sheets to hide it.

“Goodnight Bill.” He mumbled into the fabric, suppressing another yawn.

“Goodnight, pine tree.” Bill waved before disappearing with a loud pop. Slowly, Dipper’s eyes drifted closed.

 

…

 

The next day, Dipper had more energy than he’d had in a while. And he was going to need it since Grunkle Stan had decided to put him in charge of mystery tours while he and Mabel went to the pool.

“Are you serious? Why do I always have to get stuck working!?” Dipper whined when Stan told him the plan.

“Because you’re an ‘adult’ now.” Grunkle Stan quipped. Mabel snickered behind her inflatable pool toy. Dipper’s ears lit up and he grumbled. This adult thing was coming back to bite him in more ways than one. “And don’t think you can just shut down the shack and makeout in a closet. I’ll know.” Stan added. A loud ‘boo’ came from Bill in response to that.

After they’d said goodbye, Dipper headed upstairs to change into the man of mystery outfit.

“Looking good pine tree.” Bill leered when he came down. Dipper rolled his eyes and tugged on his suddenly hot collar.

The tours went about as well as could be expected. Dipper wasn’t quite as good at chatting up the customers as Grunkle Stan and Bill were but according to the elderly lady tourists he had a cute smile so he could wing his way through it.

The stream of tourists coming in ran dry shortly after noon. Dipper was glad for the break, collapsing on the floor next to the cash desk while Bill watched the weather forecast on the small television Grunkle Stan kept out front. Bill chuckled at the predictions of hurricane-force winds and hail. That kind of weather typically passed over Gravity Falls but Dipper suspected he was chuckling at the idea of property damage and dangerous driving conditions rather than the inaccuracy of the forecast.

Dipper heard the bell over the gift shop door ring and jumped to his feet, holding the magical eight ball staff like a weapon when he saw who it was.

Michael sauntered towards the cash register with a disdainful look around that made Dipper’s blood boil. He was ashamed to admit he had forgotten about the threat Michael had posed, what with all the…distractions lately.

Michael waved his hand, coming to a stop a few feet from Bill and Dipper, and a yellow spark flew across the room to land on Bill’s cheek. It flared slightly there but Bill brushed it away with a spark of his own blue flame.

“Bill! A little birdy told me you were in town.” Michael sang in his odd accent. He brought a lighter out of his pocket and began to play with it, flicking the lid open and closed. The action made Dipper wonder if this little “birdy” had gotten away with all its feathers.

“Michael! Fight any big serpents lately? Cause I’ve got one that’s just begging to be tamed.” Bill retorted, a lewd edge to his voice. Dipper fought the urge to groan out loud. Trust Bill to find a way to make his dick the center of every conversation.

“I’m here to see if we can’t come to some kind of understanding. Make a deal or the like.” Michael said, smoothly ignoring Bill’s comment.

Bill leaned forward on the counter. “I’m listening.” Dipper was slightly disgusted with how easily Bill was playing along.

“Help me destroy the nephilim abominations and I promise you will not stand trial for your sins on judgement day.” Michael offered reverently. It took a moment for Dipper to realize Michael wasn’t kidding.

Bill opened his mouth and nothing but laughter came out of it for a full minute. Michael’s face stayed stony still but something in his eyes told Dipper he wasn’t happy.

“Oh man! I forgot how hilarious you are.” Bill gasped when he calmed down, wiping a tear from the corner of his all-black false eye. “But no, I’m afraid the ‘nephilim abominations’ have out bid you there. They’ve offered me an army to lead as long as I let them tear you to bits.” It was Michael’s turn to laugh. A short, unnatural sound that shook his shoulders.

“And you think they will just keep their promises? These vermin who were created out of treachery itself?” He asked.

“Eh. I say the odds are ‘bout fifty fifty.” Bill made a shifty hand gesture. Michael took a long inhale as if to calm himself.

“You are making a mistake Cipher.” He spat Bill’s name like an insult. “Even if I fail to purge this land, my pious comrades have been preparing for the moment the beasts escape their cage. You and your pets will bathe in your own blood.” He looked at Dipper as he said the word ‘pets’, sending an eerie shiver down his spine.

“What, that’s it?” Bill stood up, clutching a hand to his chest as if he’d just been insulted. “’You will bathe in your own blood?’ No counter-offer or anything? I take it back, you’re losing your edge.” Michael snapped the lid on his lighter closed and paused.

If Dipper hadn’t been tensed for Michael’s attack the moment the blue-eyed angel walked in, he would have missed it. As it was, his muscles sprung into an automatic reaction the second he saw Michael’s hand still, putting him in the exact position to intercept the flying lighter by the time Michael actually flung it towards Bill. It hit the eight ball staff in Dipper’s hand with an explosion that sent shards of black glass ripping through his skin and blue ink spraying everywhere.

Both Bill and Michael looked at Dipper in surprise, as if they’d forgotten he was there. Dipper didn’t move from his spot between them, although he could feel the tears building up in the corner of his eyes from the pain. Bill recovered first, locking a venomous glare on Michael. Michael cocked his head like he’d just seen something interesting.

“You should keep a shorter leash on your pets.” Michael advised before Dipper heard his boots crunching on the pieces of magic eight-ball as he walked out the door. Dipper felt the blood rush to his head and clutched the counter for support. Bill came around the desk but kept a good foot away from him.

“You should go clean yourself up.” He said, voice flat. “I’ll get this.” Dipper saw Bill gesture to the ink and glass splattered on the floor and walls. He would have argued but Bill’s expression looked strange, almost pleading and Dipper just nodded dumbly and when he was sure he could stand, walked out of the gift shop.

Dipper was still picking shards out of his skin when Mabel and Grunkle Stan came home. He was in the bathroom, ruined suit hanging over the edge of the tub, when Mabel spotted him and hurried to grab Stan.

“What did you break?” Stan asked after giving his nephew a surprised once-over.

“The staff.” Dipper said through gritted teeth as he applied disinfectant to some wounds on his chest with a blue arm. Luckily he’d had his arms in front of his face to absorb most of the blow, so he wasn’t missing any eyes.

Grunkle Stan nodded thoughtfully. “And the shack?”

“Might be a little blue.” Dipper responded with a shrug that he definitely should not have done. He hissed at the pain in the weeping holes in his shoulders.

“Well as long as nothing irreplaceable is broken.” Grunkle Stan commented before heading off to check on the gift shop. Mabel stayed to stare at her brother.

“Did you and Bill have a fight?” She asked, half joking-half in concern. She grabbed a cotton ball and taped it over one of Dipper’s shoulder wounds to soak up the blood.

“No.” Dipper said bitterly. Bill hadn’t come up to see how he was doing even once. He jumped as Mabel pressed another cotton ball to his side.

“Well hopefully the thing about breaking a magic eight-ball being unlucky is just a superstition.” She said. Dipper groaned.

“Don’t jinx it!” He scolded. Mabel giggled as he swatted her away, wanting to tend to his injuries himself. She stood just outside the door, her face suddenly serious.

“Are you really okay?” Mabel asked. Dipper looked at her, seeing the concern and confusion in her face. He’d been keeping Mabel in the dark about a few things. Actually a lot of things. And great, now he was feeling guilty for it.

Dipper sighed. “I guess I should update you on some stuff.” He started. Mabel leaned against the door frame, ready to listen. “Michael came by the shack today. That’s how the staff broke. Ugh. I guess I should start earlier than that? I guess the whole thing started when I went into the woods and saw Michael burning a gnome…” He trailed off when he got a look at his sister’s expression. “What?”

“Nothing.” Mabel responded but her eyes shifted around like they sometimes did when she lied.

“Seriously, what?” Dipper pushed. Mabel pursed her lips a little.

“I…I just thought you were going to give Michael a chance is all.” She answered finally. Dipper’s eyes widened.

“This isn’t about me not liking Michael!!” He practically shouted. Mabel winced.

“Okay, okay.” She said softly, trying to coax Dipper’s voice back down with her own. “I just….I mean….you’ve been acting kind of weird lately and this whole thing with Bill seems to have gone beyond just…you know, a fun crush. I’m just worried he’s…brainwashed you or something.”

“Brainwashed!? _You guys_ are the ones who are brainwashed!” Dipper knew he wasn’t just talking about Mabel anymore. “The guy was holding down a gnome and lighting him on fucking fire, Mabel!”

“Okay! He’s bad! I believe you!” Mabel held up her hands in surrender but somehow it didn’t sound like she was convinced. Dipper started to shake his head.

“Get out.” He growled.

Mabel’s eyes widened in surprise. “No really Dipper, I’ll listen! Tell me what happened.” She tried to take a step forward into the bathroom.

“Get out!” Dipper screamed at her. Mabel backed away quickly and he slammed the door before he could see the hurt expression on her face. He turned back to the mirror, yanking a large shard of glass he’d been trying to tease out of his neck and dropping it into the sink with the other bloody shards. The blood pooled in the wound before trickling down over his heaving chest as he tried to calm down.

Screw Mabel. He didn’t need her. She barely even knew what she was talking about half the time! No he would figure this out on his own. Just him and Bill. That was all he needed.

Dipper hissed as he wiped away the blood trail with an alcohol swab. Yup, Bill was all he’d need to deal with Michael.

But apparently Dipper was doomed to never get what he needed.

Dipper had expected Bill to enter his dream the night after Michael’s attack but he woke up in the morning with no memory of any dreams. Bill wasn’t in the kitchen either when he padded downstairs.

“Is Bill already in the shop?” Dipper asked Grunkle Stan who grumbled something that could have been a ‘yes’ into his coffee. The kitchen phone rang suddenly and Stan jolted up to get it. It was now officially a full day after Melody’s due date and every time the phone rang Stan answered excitedly, expecting the news. He listened carefully for a full minute before screaming “no solicitors” gruffly into the phone.

Dipper slipped out to the gift shop. He was still in pajamas but it was a full hour before the shop opened, so he didn’t need to worry about customers. Bill was humming to himself as he adjusted the merchandise. He barely glanced at Dipper when he entered.

“Bill. We need to talk about what we’re going to do about Michael.” Dipper said. Bill’s hands continued to work over the merchandise.

“I’ve already got that covered, remember?” He responded.

“I don’t think that’s good enough!” Dipper argued. He was starting to get annoyed by the fact that Bill didn’t seem to be paying him any attention. “He knows the nephilim are going to come after him and Dale might be in danger!”

“It’ll be fine.” Bill assured him, flashing Dipper his grin. Something about it seemed a little off this morning. Before Dipper could figure it out, Bill had turned around again, taking a key from behind the cash register. “Now, if you’ll excuse me. We’re running a little low on Mystery Shack snowglobes.” Without waiting for Dipper’s reply, Bill headed out towards the garage to restock. Dipper looked at the shelf where the kept the snowglobes. It was full.

“Oh, by the way, how are the injuries? Just fine, thanks for asking!” Dipper grumbled sarcastically to himself as he headed back up to the attic, slamming the door behind him.

And the next day wasn’t any better.

Dipper awoke having had no dreams again and whenever he tried to talk to Bill, Bill blew him off with some lame excuse about having to help a customer or needing to catch up on his laundry. Which was completely bogus since Dipper knew he pretty much just magicked up whatever outfits he wanted. Even when Dipper showed up at Bill’s room that night, without a shirt on, offering to “makeout or whatever”, Bill had yawned and rolled over on his bed, claiming he was too tired.

To make matters worse, Dipper was pretty sure he had been cursed with bad luck for breaking the magic eight ball. He nearly broke his neck tripping over a stuck up board at the top of the stairs. And when he’d gone out for a drive with his parent’s car he’d found the brakes not working. Of course he had to find that out coming to a four-way stop with the cops on the opposite side. He made it out of the whole situation with a ticket and a new appreciation for emergency brakes.

Everything combined was making Dipper a little…irritable and he had a short temper with everyone he talked to. Mostly he dealt with it by holing up in the attic to do research on his laptop. He barely even came out for meals and he could tell Mabel and Stan were getting a little worried.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Bill but you can’t just sulk all day!” Mabel lectured when she brought him up a plate of dinner.

“That’s right, you _don’t_ know what’s going on.” Dipper had seethed bitterly. He still hadn’t completely forgiven her for their last conversation. Mabel had pursed her lips and left quickly after that.

That night he spent most of the evening in the bathroom with food poisoning. Probably karma for being so mean to Mabel but Dipper stubbornly refused to apologize. Even though he had woken up passed out next to the toilet to find a cold water bottle and a two anti-nausea pills lying next to him. I mean, it could have been Stan who’d left those! (But really, who was he kidding? Stan wouldn’t know what to do with a sick person if he was standing in the middle of a hospital.)

“Do you think Bill’s angry about me refusing him that one time?” Dipper asked Pacifica the night before her and Mabel’s “date.” She’d called to ask him his advice on outfits and while he was in an anti-Mabel mood he was still on good terms with Pacifica so he agreed to help.

“If he is than he’s being completely stupid.” Pacifica said while she dug through her suitcase. “Okay what about this dress?” She held a navy blue, knee-length dress in front of the computer.

“I think that will probably get a lot of cat hair on it.” Dipper said. Pacifica made a face.

“Ugh. You’re right! Why didn’t I pack another suitcase!?” She whined as she dumped her whole case out on the floor in frustration. “Maybe Bill’s just afraid of you getting hurt or something? You said he started getting weird after this Mike-guy attacked you right?” Dipper considered it but that didn’t sound like Bill at all.

“Maybe he thinks I’m a weak spot and is trying to get rid of me?” Dipper thought aloud but that didn’t really sound like Bill either. If Bill wanted to break up he’d probably be forward and flashy about it.

“Mmm.” Pacifica hummed, searching through her pile of clothes. Dipper could tell she was only half-listening.

“Isn’t there supposed to be a crazy storm tomorrow?” Dipper hadn’t wanted to burst her bubble but he was a little ticked that she wasn’t taking his problem seriously.

“What!?” Pacifica started to panic and then adruptly calmed down. “Wait, we’re at the mall so we’ll be inside. But....maybe I should bring a jacket? Or a sweater? Maybe an extra sweater for Mabel in case she forgets one?”

“Paz, this is Mabel we’re talking about.” Dipper reminded her.

“Right, right.” Pacifica nodded. Dipper sighed, loudly, into his microphone.

Pacifica stopped shuffling and looked straight at her camera. “Look Dipper. I don’t know what to tell you. You’re just going to have to corner him and make him have this conversation with you.” Dipper sighed again, quieter this time. He knew she was right.

“You should wear lots of glittery accessories.” Dipper offered. “Mabel’s like a magpie. She’s attracted to shiny things.”

“Okay well if I glitz it up with the accessories than I should go simple. Oh! I have a grey romper I could wear!”

Dipper just nodded along, even though he had know idea what a romper was. “That sounds good.”

“Thanks Dipper! I hope things get better between you and Bill.” Pacifica said into her mic as her video feed cut in and out. The connection had been kind of weak lately.

“Have fun with Mabel tomorrow!” Dipper managed to get through before the whole connection went down. He rolled over onto his back and listened to the muffled voices of Mabel and Grunkle Stan drifting up through the floor.

Pacifica was right, of course. He just had to talk to Bill. No nonsense, he just had to up and ask him. Sounded simple enough. This was Bill they were talking about after all.

So the next morning when Dipper came down for breakfast the first thing he did was corner Bill and say; “Bill we need to talk.”

Grunkle Stan and Mabel exchanged a look, turning around in their seats to watch the couple. Bill sighed. “It’s okay Dipper. I’m pretty sure I already know what you’re going to say.” He said solemnly. Dipper felt himself fill with relief.

“You do?”

“Yes and it doesn’t matter to me if your dick’s smaller than mine! We can get through it.  Together.” Bill interlocked his fingers with Dipper’s in a mock emphasis of the word ‘together’ that made Mabel nearly fall out of her chair with laughter. He should have expected this. This was Bill they were talking about after all. Dipper’s blush was half rage, half embarrassment and he shook Bill off only to grab his wrist and drag him away from his cackling family.

“Are you fucking kidding me with this?” Dipper hissed through his teeth when they were no longer within laugh-range. Bill blinked twice.

“Yes.” He answered and Dipper had to concentrate on breathing through is nose so he didn’t lose it. He exhaled slowly.

“Bill, why are you avoiding me?” He asked, simply getting to the point.

“I figured I could use some time alone. I can’t always be catering to the whims of an eighteen year-old boy, now can I?” Bill answered immediately.

“Catering to…” Dipper repeated, not really believing what he was hearing. “I fucking knew it. You’re just getting revenge ‘cause I didn’t want to fuck you!?”

Bill scoffed. “Do I really seem that fickle to you?”

“I don’t fucking know!” Dipper half-shouted. “Jesus Christ Bill! Would you stop being so cagey for two goddamn seconds!?” He gripped his hair in frustration.

“Mmm…nope!” Bill said brightly, giving Dipper a little pat on the shoulder. “Well, I think we’re done here.” Then, astonishingly, Bill just turned around and walked out of the room leaving Dipper standing there, mentally screaming.

“Yeah well….you’re dick isn’t all that fucking big!!” Dipper bellowed after him.

Mabel and Grunkle Stan stared at him from where they were peaking around the wall into the kitchen. Dipper scowled in their direction.

“And what the hell do you want!?” Dipper barked at them. Both of them promptly ducked back inside the kitchen and Dipper let out a frustrated growl before stomping back up to the attic. How had he managed to get absolutely no answers?

“Yeesh.” Mabel commented in the kitchen, cleaning out her empty cereal bowl.

“Tell me about it.” Grunkle Stan said. “Where did that kid pick up that fucking language?” Mabel snickered before sighing mopily. Grunkle Stan waited for her to speak.

“I want to support him…really. But…I feel like maybe things are better this way? Ugh.” She griped. Grunkle Stan nodded and sipped his coffee.

“I’m with ya kid but you can’t stop people from making their own mistakes.” He said. “Bad boys like Bill are just irresistable.” He said it like he was giving himself a compliment. It was obvious Stan saw a lot of his old grifter self in Bill. Mabel rolled her eyes. If only he knew.

“So, where are you going today?” Grunkle Stan asked, changing the subject. Mabel brightened excitedly.

“I’m going to an adoption event with Pacifica!” She grinned.

“The Northwest girl?” Grunkle Stan scratched his chin. “Well, just don’t bring home any animals.”

“What? I would _never_ Grunkle Stan!” Mabel said, hand over her heart as if making a promise. Stan narrowed his eyes at her.

“I mean it Mabel.”

A knock on the door interrupted their conversation and Mabel happily skipped to answer it. “Melody, Soos! Well this is a nice surprise!” She exclaimed once she saw who it was.

“It would be an even nicer surprise if I had a baby to show you.” Melody muttered irritably. “You gonna let me in or are we gonna wait to see just how much my feet can swell?” Mabel quickly stepped out of the pregnant woman’s way as she charged towards the living room. She didn’t even stop to say hello to Stan. Soos followed her into the entrance way, giving Mabel a pleading look and an apology.

“What’s going on?” Mabel dropped her voice to a whisper.

“I don’t know dawg! She’s…gone psycho! I think the baby may have taken over her brain and is controlling her from the inside!?” Soos said in hushed panicked tones. Mabel quickly ushered him into the kitchen, peaking out at Melody from the hall.

“Is there anything I can get you, Melody?” She asked pleasantly.

“I don’t know, a plunger maybe?” Melody answered with heavy sarcasm. Mable frowned.

“I’ll just get you some tea.” She mumbled quietly before retreating back into the kitchen. “Is this because she’s five days passed her due date?” Mabel asked while she filled the kettle.

“Maybe? I’m sorry but I had to get her out of the house dude. I think she was going to murder my grandma?” Soos fiddled with the edge of the table, clearly stressed.

“What you need is a break. A man’s retreat!” Grunkle Stan recommended. It sounded like he had a few things in mind. Mabel nodded emphatically as she put the tea on.

“Yeah…but I can’t just leave her! She’s pregnant! With my brain controlling baby!” Soos argued.

“Soos! If you’re going to sit there and gossip about me you could at least get me something to eat!” Melody called from the living room. Soos’ eyes went wide.

“Yes dear!” He called back, then in a hushed, horrified whisper; “She hears _everything._ ”

“She’s moodier than Dipper!” Mabel joked, grabbing a package of cookies to go along with the tea.

Grunkle Stan laughed. “Yeah. It’s too bad we can’t lock the two of them in a cage and let them wear each other out.” Mabel giggled at the idea. But then the idea actually started to sound good and she and Grunkle Stan looked at each other as a plan started to click into place.

Ten minutes later Dipper heard Mabel calling his name from downstairs. Seriously? Did she not have legs? Could she not just come up here to say whatever it was she wanted? He tried to ignore it but Mabel just kept calling and eventually he had to drag himself out from under the comforter.

“What!?” Dipper yelled, none too happily as he made his way downstairs.

“Dipper! Can you make sure Melody has everything she needs while Soos and Grunkle Stan are out? I’m going to be out with Pacifica all day. Kay, thanks bye!” She said as she closed the door behind her, not giving Dipper the chance to refuse. Dipper peered into the living room where Melody was indeed sitting with her feet up on the couch. Grunkle Stan and Soos were still getting ready.

 “I have my cell in case you need me. Anything at all, you just give me a ring. Even if it’s just a craving for ice cream or pickles, you name it.” Soos rambled as Grunkle Stan pulled him out the door.

“Just go Soos!” Melody shouted in exasperation.

“Okay, I love you!” Soos called before closing the door carefully behind him. Melody rubbed her temples as if she was trying to soothe a headache.

Dipper stood in the room awkwardly, debating on whether he should just go back upstairs. But it would be pretty rude to leave a pregnant woman to fend for herself.

“So…” Dipper grasped for a conversation starter. “…I see you’re still pregnant.”

“I see you’ve still got that teenage acne on your face.” Melody bit back. Great. This was going to be great. He was just _so_ glad that Mabel had left him behind to deal with an angry Melody.

“Let’s see what’s on tv.” Dipper muttered as he crossed the room and flopped down on the floor beside the couch. Melody’s feet took up the couch space and he assumed she wasn’t going to move.

Every show on the tv got some kind of negative comment from Melody. Apparently she had been watching a lot of daytime television. Everything was boring, or she’d seen it or God no, if she had to watch this episode one more time she was going to scream. Eventually Dipper just handed her the remote.

She settled on a marathon of one of those talent reality shows. Some of the acts were alright but most of them were complete crap.

“He sounds like a turkey stuck in an air vent!” Dipper commented on one particularly bad singer.

“You hear that baby? If you ever go on tv and do something this stupid I’m disowning you.” Melody said to her stomach. Dipper snorted.

A few hours and snide comments later, Bill wandered in from the gift shop.

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?” Dipper sneered when he saw Bill.

“It’s my lunch break.” Bill answered with a shrug, heading into the kitchen. A few minutes later he heard Bill call; “Hey, isn’t it supposed to storm today?”

“Yeah, but it’s been sunny all day.” Dipper answered. Melody scoffed.

“Way to do your job, weather-people.” She commented. Dipper chuckled along with her.

Bill stepped out of the kitchen with a frown. “You might want to check again.” He said and Dipper rolled his eyes but got up with a groan, making his way to the window.

The sky above them was green. It looked like someone had just taken a murky river and thrown it into the air. As if to accentuate the growing weather, a blast of wind howled around the shack, rattling the rafters.

“I guess it couldn’t hurt to shut all the windows.” Dipper murmured.

“I’ll get the upstairs.” Bill said, already headed for the stairs.

By the time he’d come back down, thick rain drops were pelting the glass outside. Bill turned back to whatever weird sandwich he was making as Dipper watched the rain outside. He hoped Grunkle Stan and Soos were someplace dry.

A huge crack followed by a rumble that shook the entire house sounded suddenly, making Dipper jump. Bill grinned as he cut his sandwich in half.

“Wow. Sounds like the storm could kill someone.” He commented. Dipper scowled at him.

“Glad to hear you being so enthusiastic about the storm killing us all.” He growled. Bill turned to him.

“Not all of us, just you.” He said, licking the sauce off his knife. “In fact, why don’t you go stand on the roof for a while? I’m sure I can find something metal for you to hold.”

“I’m not going to get electrocuted for your enjoyment Bill.” Dipper retorted dryly.

Bill let out a dramatic sigh. “You guys probably have some kind of invention to prevent that anyways. I mean, really, who ever heard of an emergency break?”

Dipper looked at Bill with confusion. Emergency break? What the hell was he talking abou- Dipper’s mind suddenly wandered to the still unpaid traffic ticket on his bedside table and he froze. “Bill…did you….did you cut my break lines?” He smiled a little at the ridiculousness of it but when Bill just beamed at him, looking proud of himself, Dipper felt his blood run cold.

“You’re trying to _murder_ me!?” Dipper’s voice pitched high into cracking range.

“Well it wouldn’t be “trying” anymore if you would just die already.” Bill said, shaking his head. As if Dipper was an unruly child that just wouldn’t listen. “Seriously, what kind of animal can eat badly rotted meat and still live?”

Dipper felt a lump forming in his throat. “You were behind the food poisoning too!?” Another loud boom of thunder made the kitchen light rattle in its socket. “Is that all this was!? You were trying to…to seduce me, so you could kill me easier!?” He shouted, suddenly very aware of the knife in Bill’s hand.

“I know I’m making it sound like you’re hard to kill kid. But you’re still just a human. I wouldn’t need to get close to you for that.” Bill said as he took a few steps toward Dipper, gesturing with the knife. Dipper wasn’t sure if the constant pattering he was hearing was the rain or his heartbeat. Thoughts shot through his head in rapid fire, so fast he wasn’t even sure he was registering them.

“You- you!” Dipper barked at Bill, trying to form a cohesive sentence. He had an overwhelming urge to punch the fucking demon but still had enough sense to not try with sharp objects around. Bill just kept grinning, taking another step closer so he was only a foot or two away from the short-circuiting Dipper. Suddenly his grin faltered and his expression melted into one of fake concern. Bill was a good actor, Dipper could give him that.

“Are you alright, pine tree?” Bill asked carefully just as Dipper felt the hot, angry tears spill down his cheeks.

Then the lights went out.

Dipper heard a quiet cry from behind him in the living room and remembered Melody was there. He furiously wiped away his tears. He didn’t have the solution to deal with this…whatever the hell this Bill thing was right now, but he did have the solution for a power outage.

“It’s okay Melody! I’m going to grab a flashlight and some candles.” Dipper called to her, and then said more quietly to where he assumed Bill still stood in the darkness. “Can you grab some of the candles? They’re in the drawer next to the fridge…and stop trying to stab me!” Dipper yelped the last part as he felt the edge of a knife poke him in the arm. He heard Bill cackle but didn’t feel the knife edge again and a moment later he could hear rummaging from across the kitchen.

Dipper groped his way towards the sink and felt around in the cupboard underneath for the flashlight they kept there. Once he had it he turned and stood up, nearly dropping it as he turned around to see Bill standing a foot away, one hand full of candles and the other with a long, barbecue lighter. The fact that Bill knew where they kept the lighter was all the more disturbing in light of recent discoveries.

Dipper paused, adrenaline still blasting through his veins. “Are you going to stab me as soon as I turn my back on you?” He asked Bill quietly.

“Not at the moment.” Bill responded, matter-of-factly.

“Oh well, that’s good.” Dipper muttered, half sarcastic. “Light one of those and leave it on the kitchen table would you?” Bill bent over to do as he was told, grabbing half his almost-forgotten sandwich as he did so.

“Melody?” Dipper called out, sweeping the flashlight beam across the room. Melody looked up from where she was sitting on the edge of the couch. She looked frightened and Dipper wondered if she didn’t do well in thunderstorms. He walked closer to her. “Are you okay?”

She shook her head slowly and when he voice came out it was very soft.

“Dipper, I…think my water just broke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you confused by Bill dear readers? Me too. Actually I lied. I'm not confused because I'm the author and I know what's coming next! And what's coming next is a chapter from Bill's point of view. One that will hopefully clear up some questions.
> 
> As for other questions you may be having I can hopefully answer those. A lot of time is passing in this chapter and with it a lot of change in emotions is happening. Dipper goes from nervous to comfortable around Bill. Mabel goes from "this is fucking adorable" to "okay this is getting weird" on their relationship. I think I should make it clear that she believes Dipper about Michael. She was just trying to be honest about what she was thinking and it backfired because now Dipper thinks she doesn't trust anything he's saying. I don't know if I made that as clear as it should be. I'll work on that in the upcoming chapters.
> 
> Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.....okay. I think that's all I have to say.   
> Other than thank you for reading and I LOVE you all! \\( '3' )/ <3 <3 <3


	16. The Great and Amazing Bill Cipher Has to Put up With Three Babies

How could this have happened?

Okay that was a stupid question. Bill knew exactly how this had happened.

It had happened because Bill had been flirting with danger. Bill had courted danger. He took danger to expensive dinners with only the finest wines. He ate whip cream off of danger’s chest and poured champagne into danger’s mouth until it foamed out all over the sheets. He and danger had had a small ceremony with only their closest friends invited. He and danger had spent years together until they knew exactly how each other liked their coffee and all about each other’s hopes and dreams. Eventually he and danger had filed for a small seperation but he still called up danger on his down time and had an agreement to take the kids every other weekend.

You get the point.

And the point is that Bill had let himself get too close to the kid.

He’d first started paying attention to it when Dipper had asked for a night off. He’d been wearing the kid out and hadn’t even noticed it. He’d just wanted more of him. To hear more interesting sounds coming from those oddly pink lips. To find out what more interesting tastes he could find on the kid’s skin. To feel his heat and absorb his blood and skin and bones into the very being that was Bill Cipher! (Okay that last one probably should have tipped him off.)

But Bill had just assumed it was love. That fluffy little emotion that humans lost their heads over. The way they wrote songs and made ridiculous promises to “always be together” always made him laugh.  Bill Cipher wouldn’t be caught dead building a silly garden to make someone feel less homesick or going to war for nine years in the name of some hot babe.  He knew this “love” was just a result of thousands of years of evolution finding the best chemicals to bathe the brain in so that the species would mate and survive long enough to pass on their genes. But if the chemicals in his human brain told him to ravish pine tree until the boy couldn’t think straight, then who was he to argue?

Then Michael had come in to the mystery shack. The heralding, goody-two-shoes angel with a stick up his ass. He’d walked in and tried to attack Bill and pine tree had gotten himself in the way.

Bill had seen it happening. And he could have done something about it. He could have thrown out some magic to shield Dipper or pulled him out of the way. Hell he could have teleported the kid to Tahiti if he’d wanted to. But he didn’t - want to that is.

Instead, he had found himself wanting to see the shards of glass rip through Dipper’s skin. He’d wanted to taste the spray of blood that came off him. He’d wanted to stick his tongue inside every wound, wriggle it around and make pine tree cry out in pain. He’d wanted to rip the fresh flesh off of him with his teeth and savor the taste as he swallowed it down, still warm.

That was when he’d realized he had a problem.

You see, Bill’s kind had a weird tendency to get obsessive. Like human love, it was some kind of evolutionary trait. Bill had always thought of it as a way to get rid of the weakest ones because it often drove them mad. They became so consumed by whatever it was they would let themselves rot away for just a taste of it. And if the unlucky soul happened to be obsessed with something fleeting, the idea of it would haunt them forever. It was like if a person was crawling in a dessert, dehydrated beyond measure and they were offered a glass of water. They could try and savor it, drink it slowly – drop by drop. But in the end they would swallow it all. It would be heaven. But then there would be no more water and they would continue to crawl across the dessert in agony, searching for more, until the sweet relief of death claimed them. Except in this case the person would never die. They would just continue going with the memory of water on their tongue, forever parched, forever consumed with their search for more.

In Bill’s human body, the obsession had manifested as a lust but now it was slowly starting to turn into a hunger. A hunger that clawed at the inside of his brain for just one more taste. Just a quick little lick, or bite of something to gnaw on. Surely pine tree could live without a toe or an ear or a piece of his mind.

Ugh. He should have seen it coming. But who would have thought the dopey twelve year old from Gravity Falls with too many questions for his own good would be so enticing? He’d just wanted to screw with the kid, you know, make fun of his late entry into puberty and the courting rituals of his kind. But the way Dipper’s lips fell over his slightly crooked teeth, and the way his hair was in a perpetual cowlick, and the scruffly beard that started to form every couple of days on his chin, and the way he mumbled in his sleep had all fascinated him. Plus it was always fun to see Dipper squirm when he pushed the right buttons. He’d just never thought he’d have this mind bending urge to stick the kid in a blender and drink him through a bendy straw.

Of course he could do just that. Tie the kid up in the forest somewhere and slowly tear him to bits. It wouldn’t be difficult. But then there would be that annoying after part. You know, eternity? Just a whole lot of illusory time spent searching for more pine tree, if another person like Dipper even existed. And that would be no fun.

Luckily for Bill, Michael’s attack had shown him both his problem and the solution. If Dipper had been hit in the right spot he would have bled out and died right there on the floor. And if pine tree was dead, Bill wouldn’t be able to consume him in his entirety. His corpse maybe, but you and I both know that wasn’t what he wanted. The trick was to murder him without giving into the desire to have a taste. Bill couldn’t just slit Dipper’s throat. I mean, he had barely been able to get Dipper upstairs without losing his mind over the scent and sight of his blood. There may even have been a few undignified moments where he had licked a couple of the red drops off the Mystery Shack floor. No, it was best if Bill wasn’t there for the kid’s demise.

But who knew he was going to be so goddamn hard to kill! Bill could admit that the whole cutting the brake lines thing was uninspired but it had worked so well in all those terrible Hollywood movies! Who had taught Dipper to drive so carefully? Seriously! Was the world out to make Bill suffer?

Making the kid trip on the stairs was a bit of a long shot too. But Bill was pretty certain he could stay away from Dipper’s mangled corpse long enough for it to lose its appeal. When that had failed he’d come up with the rotten pork chop idea. He didn’t even have to use his magic to rot the whole pork chop, just a few ribbons of it throughout the hunk of meat and Dipper wouldn’t even taste it. Bill had actually been pretty confident about that one, especially when he’d heard the kid retching out his guts in the bathroom. But he’d underestimated the human body’s defense mechanism and in two days the kid was back to his irritatingly adorable self.

And _then_ there was this weird emotional thing that was happening. Every time he saw the kid and his stupid scruffy face turned into a frown he felt the need to hug him or tickle him or show him a puppy until Dipper was no longer sad. How on earth was Bill able to simultaneously contain the desire to spoon out Dipper’s eyeballs and eat them like grapes and the desire to make him laugh and smile for the rest of his natural life? And he felt so fucking guilty for trying to murder him. Bill Cipher had never felt guilty for trying to murder anyone in the entire history of his existence! Really, what was happening to him? Was this some kind of human thing? Was Dipper doing this on purpose to torture him?

To offset this…feeling, he tried to avoid the kid but Dipper wouldn’t just let him be. Did he not realize how much it took to not push him up against the wall and rake his nails through his hair while almost kissing him but not quite; just kind of stopping an inch or two away, letting their breathe intermingle in hot huffs? Oh man how he wanted to tease the kid. And Dipper was getting bolder. He didn’t get as embarrassed anymore or shy away from what Bill knew made him feel good. Bill was usually not one for taking the submissive role but if it was Dipper he could imagine himself being bound and gagged. Maybe the kid’s hands would shake as he touched him, nervous at the role reversal. Or maybe the kid would take a shine to it. Maybe he’d be good at acting all cocky and demanding, making Bill beg for him to stick his hot, throbbing-

“Excuse me? How much is this bearicorn horn?”

Bill was torn out of his imagination by an ugly man in glasses. His balding head shined in the fluorescent lighting and Bill fought the urge to light the precious little remaining hair on fire.

“Two hundred dollars.” Bill answered pleasantly. The man looked at the little piece of carved bone (cow’s bone, left over from the butcher if Bill was correct) dubiously.

“Is it really worth that much?” He asked. Of course it was worth that much! That’s what he’d just said wasn’t it? Bill gave the man an easy-going shrug.

“That’s what the price tag says!” He said. The man took another look at the “horn” and then looked over his shoulder.

“Don’t tell my wife.” He said in a hushed voice as he took the two hundred from his wallet and slid it across the cash desk.

“It will be our secret.” Bill said in an equally hushed voice with a wink. The man looked pleased as he put the worthless souvenir in his bag. A woman’s shrill voice called from outside the shack and the man jumped, hurrying off to lie to his wife. Man these meat-bags were such idiots.

Now the gift shop was empty, just the way Bill liked it. As much fun as tricking gullible idiots was, it did have a tendency to get old. Especially when it was this easy.

Anyways, where was he? Ah yes, Dipper. Bill drummed his fingers on the cash register. His body had been feeling pretty nice until Mr. Dumb-and-Ugly had interrupted. Perhaps he should go take care of it for a while? Bill spent another few seconds deliberating before walking over to the door and turning the lock. He turned the closed sign over too, for good measure. Then he carefully made his way out of the gift-shop, towards the bathroom.

Once there he leaned against the door and unbuckled his belt, sliding a hand under his pants. He imagined Dipper and him in the gift shop. Oh, the kid wouldn’t like that. He’d whine and complain about his uncle’s security cameras but Bill would slither a hand skillfully beneath his waistband and soon Dipper would forget all about the cameras. Or better yet, Bill would be under the cash desk sucking Dipper off while he tried to keep his face straight in front of the customers. They’d give him strange looks as he tried to thrust into Bill’s mouth without actually moving. Bill would be slow, tantalizing. He’d make Dipper’s knees quiver, and breath catch in his throat. Then, after maybe an hour or two, just when the crowd was starting to thin, Bill would slam Dipper back against the shelves behind him, revealing what they had been doing all along.

There would be shocked gasps from their audience and maybe a strangled “no” from pine tree but Dipper would be too far over the edge to protest. Bill would drag his fingernails up Dipper’s sides and he would come with a moan, making all the faces still turned to watch them blush.

Bill wouldn’t be done yet, not by a long shot. He’d hoist Dipper onto the desk, pushing him down on it while he coaxed another erection out of him. Their on-lookers wouldn’t be able to turn away. Dipper would be able to feel them watching and it would turn him a lovely deep shade of red. Maybe Bill would start to strip Dipper down until he was bare. Maybe he’d refuse to touch him anymore, make him beg and scream for Bill’s hands. Or maybe he’d stab Dipper in the chest with one of those fake bearicorn horns, making his back arch in pain before wrapping a tongue around his cock again. He could practically feel Dipper fighting not to enjoy the blood slowly oozing out of the wound but Bill’s mouth would get a moan or two from him. Then he would slip a hand into the hole and run his fingers along Dipper’s ribs. Maybe he’d run a bit of magic around the boy’s cock, give his mouth a break. He’d order it to squeeze Dipper faster as his hands opened up the wound wider, so he could see the organs underneath. And just as Dipper would be about to come, Bill would shove both hands deep inside the warm, beating mess, making him scream and twitch. The bystanders would watch in horror. All of them would have nightmares for weeks that Bill could visit, reliving the scene from every angle.

Back in the bathroom, Bill groaned and slid down the door as he came. It wasn’t as good as the real thing would have been. It would never be. But it also wouldn’t swallow him and make him lose his sanity. (Or at least more of his sanity.)

Bill cleaned himself off with some toilet paper before standing up to wash his hands. In the mirror he could see his prosthetic eye (the boring one again, since it freaked out customers less) was bulging almost out of its socket. He popped the thing out and rinsed it before squeezing it back in. A splash to the face with cool water helped bring the flush in his cheeks down. Bill took one last look in the mirror, admiring the handsome picture he painted, before he sighed and turned off the tap. Guess it was back to this stupid work again.

A familiar rumbling growled as his stomach protested. Well, maybe he’d take a peek around the kitchen first. The other Pines twin was a surprisingly good chef! Perhaps there was something left over from one of her recent culinary feats?

Bill made his way to the kitchen.

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?” Dipper called from the living room, making Bill’s heart skip a beat.

“It’s my lunch break.” Bill answered easily with a shrug, keeping his distance from the kid. Someone else was here. Ah, the parasite host with her grotesque balloon-like stomach. That was good. Bill would be less likely to eat Dipper up with a witness around.

In the kitchen Bill flicked on the light. A sudden gust of wind rattled the kitchen window in its frame. Bill went over to it curiously. He hadn’t been paying attention to the weather outside but clearly some kind of storm was brewing. Bill grinned, feeling the electricity in the air. He loved a good downpour.

“Hey, isn’t it supposed to storm today?” Bill called to the humans. He wondered if Dipper enjoyed storms too.

“Yeah, but it’s been sunny all day.” Dipper answered. The female made some sort of snide remark and they both laughed.

Annoyed at being left out of the joke, Bill stepped out of the kitchen to look at them. “You might want to check again.” He said. Dipper made an annoyed noise before getting to his feet to check outside. Bill watched his face smugly as Dipper realized he was right. Of course he was right. Bill was always right; shouldn’t the kid know that by now?

“I guess it couldn’t hurt to shut all the windows.” Dipper muttered. Bill grinned.

“I’ll get the upstairs.” He said, already running up the stairs. He quickly slid the windows on the top floor shut before heading up to the attic last. Bill took his time in here, breathing in the unmistakable smell of Dipper’s body. He had an odd urge to lay down in the kid’s bed and wrap himself up in the sheets. An urge that he may or may not have indulged in. Just a little.

As Bill stepped back down the stairs, feeling buzzed from Dipper’s scent, he could hear the rain start to fall in fat drops that splattered against the outside of the Shack. Bill’s stomach grumbled again and he remembered his reason for going into the kitchen in the first place.

He went to the fridge, dissapointed by the lack of left-overs. But he could make do. Bill rummaged around, grabbing jars at random. Jam, pickles, horse-radish. There was even a half empty can of some kind of brown meat. He squished it all between two pieces of bread, the perfect receptacle to deliver the food to his mouth. Seriously, out of all the human inventions: the guillotine, the atomic bomb, systematic mass genocide, the invention of the sandwich had to be the most genius.

Bill rifled through a drawer for a knife to cut his sandwich in half. Triangle-wise of course. The sound of lightning breaking the sound barrier shook the house, making the kid jump. Heh. Dipper was cute when he was nervous.

“Wow.” Bill said, unable to resist trying to make him feel more nervous. “Sounds like the storm could kill someone.” Dipper scowled. He was also cute when he scowled.

“Glad to hear you being so enthusiastic about the storm killing us all.” He growled at Bill. Ooh, now there was an idea.

“Not all of us, just you.” He paused to lick the muck off his knife. It was tangy. “In fact, why don’t you go stand on the roof for a while? I’m sure I can find something metal for you to hold.” He could almost smell the scent of cooking pine tree, skin caramelized straight to the bone by lightning.

“I’m not going to get electrocuted for your enjoyment Bill.” Dipper said, looking unimpressed. A pity really.

Bill sighed. “You guys probably have some kind of invention to prevent that anyways.” He muttered, thinking aloud. He thought of all the dumb safety things humans had come up with to prevent their fragile bodies from getting maimed. Car emergency brakes were especially stupid. “I mean, really, who ever heard of an emergency brake?” Brakes were already for emergencies!

He saw Dipper still out of the corner of his eye. Oh. Bill had let something slip.

“Bill…did you…did you cut my brake lines?” Dipper asked hesitantly. He looked almost amused at the idea. Had the kid gained a sense of humour? Bill gave him a grin.

“You’re trying to _murder_ me!?” Dipper cried a second later. Apparently no, he hadn’t gained a sense of humour. But the angry look in Dipper’s face sent tingles down Bill’s spine. God it made Bill want to jump him.

“Well it wouldn’t be “trying” anymore if you would just die already.” Bill goaded, shaking his head. He felt giddy. What would happen if he told Dipper about the other stuff he’d done too? “Seriously, what kind of animal can eat badly rotted meat and still live?” Ooh that was a good look. Bill licked his lips.

“You were behind the food poisoning too!?” A crack of thunder made the roof shake above them. “Is that all this was!? You were trying to…to seduce me, so you could kill me easier!?” Wait, what? How had the kid come to that conclusion? He saw Dipper’s eyes dart to the knife in Bill’s hand.

“I know I’m making it sound like you’re hard to kill kid. But you’re still just a human. I wouldn’t need to get close to you for that.” Bill got closer to Dipper, making a show of brandishing the knife around, liking the nervous look in Dipper’s eye.

“You- you!” Dipper yelled, at a loss for words now. As Bill got closer though he noticed the nervousness and rage in Dipper’s expression giving way to something else. Something that made Bill’s chest hurt like it was infested with heart-worms. He saw tears starting to form in the kid’s eyes. Shit. He’d gone too far.

“Are you alright, pine tree?” Bill tried. The tears overflowed and Bill felt a lump form in his throat.

Then Bill went blind.

Someone cried out but Bill couldn’t see. Even blinking didn’t make the darkness clear.

“It’s okay Melody! I’m going to grab a flashlight and some candles.” Dipper shouted. Bill listened and let out a breath of relief. Heh. Of course he hadn’t gone blind, the power had just gone out.

“Can you grab some of the candles?” Dipper asked in a quieter voice that must have been meant for him. Had the kid recovered? Bill stuck his knife into the darkness, feeling for something squishy. “They’re in the drawer next to the fridge.” Dipper continued. “…and stop trying to stab me!” He shouted as Bill felt the blade connect. He laughed at the annoyance in Dipper’s voice. Great, he was back to normal.

Bill felt his way across the kitchen, eye already adjusting to the lack of light. He grabbed a few candles and then stood on his toes to reach the cupboard above the fridge where they kept the lighter. Since they had candles, they would probably need that too.

He went over to show Dipper his finds but the kid just looked shocked when he shined the flashlight over Bill. Why was he surprised? Hadn’t Bill done what he’d asked?

“Are you going to stab me as soon as I turn my back on you?” Dipper asked. Bill could imagine it. Hearing pine tree cry out in the darkness as blood splashed on the floor.

“Not at the moment.” Bill answered, saliva thick in his mouth. He had to get control of himself.

“Oh well, that’s good.” Dipper muttered sarcastically. Bill grinned. “Light one of those and leave it on the kitchen table would you?” Bill did as he was told. The soft glow illuminated the sandwich he’d nearly forgotten about. Some food would probably help distract him. He grabbed one of the halves, chewing methodically on the explosion of flavors. Man, he was so good at this food thing! Clearly he’d missed his calling as professional chef.

Dipper was already halfway into the living room, looking for the pregnant human. She was saying something about water? Pine tree’s face seemed to drain of colour. Why? Did the water not work when the electricity was off?

“Okay….okay….give me a sec.” Bill jumped out of Dipper’s way as he backtracked to the kitchen to pick up the phone on the wall-receiver. He slammed it back down a second later in frustration. Then Dipper rummaged in his pocket for his cell phone.

“Does your phone have a signal?” He asked the female. She was trembling slightly. She grabbed her own cell phone out of her jacket pocket and squinted as it lit up.

“No.” She croaked.

“Okay….just a minor set back.” Dipper said but his pacing said otherwise. “We can just drive to the hospital.” The pregnant woman winced suddenly from some unseen pain. It lasted about ten seconds or so before she began to breathe normally again.

Oh, she was in labor. This should prove to be entertaining. Bill stalked back into the kitchen to get the other half of his sandwich. When he returned, Dipper was at the front door. The wind blasted through as he opened it, spraying him in rain. He quickly shoved the door back into the clasp, hat disheveled and shirt drenched. Bill’s grin widened.

“Or…at least we would be able to drive to the hospital if my car wasn’t in the shop getting fixed!” Dipper snarled the last part while looking at Bill. Bill’s laugh was muffled by his sandwich.

Dipper was panicking now, muttering ‘think’ under his breath over and over while he paced. The woman on the other hand was looking calmer, if not mildly annoyed. Bill sat down next to the tiny coffee table in the center of the room and began to light candles. Fire was soothing. He was being helpful.

As he lit them he accidentally tipped a candle over, sending hot wax and fire all over the wooden table.

“Whoops.” Bill patted the little flame out with his hand, standing the candle back up. When he looked up both the humans were staring at him. He gave them a reassuring smile.

“Melody.” Dipper said, ignoring Bill’s helpfulness. “You’ve been going to prenatal classes right?”

“No Dipper, I just thought I would wing it.” She answered sarcastically. Bill chuckled. He was starting to like her.

“Okay, what did they say about going into labour?” Dipper continued.

“Well, for starters the baby probably isn’t coming instantly so we have some time.” The woman, Melody, answered. Dipper breathed an audible sigh of relief.

“Good. Time is good.” Dipper said but looked like he was about to freak out again when Melody hissed in pain, squeezing her eyes tight. She relaxed a moment later. “Uh…someone should probably go for some help.” Dipper suggested.

It took Bill a second to realize Dipper was looking at him. “What? I’m not going.” Bill didn’t want to miss the show.

“Can’t you just teleport to the nearest house?” Dipper asked, crossing and uncrossing his arms in agitation.

“Oh I’m sure that would go over well. Just pop right in. ‘Hey can I use your phone?’” Bill rolled his eyes. Sometimes this kid had his moments but other times he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the shack. Although, Bill had to admit, it would probably be funny to scare a family by teleporting into their dining room.

Dipper tapped his foot impatiently then ran over to the front door where a rain jacket was hanging. He pulled it on and then set about finding his shoes. Bill raised his eyebrows in surprise. The kid was planning to go? He hoped he didn’t expect Bill to do anything if the baby came while he was gone. Bill Cipher was many things but midwife was not one of them.

“I’ll be as fast as I can. Bill, listen to Melody while I’m gone. And…just….don’t burn the place down okay?” Dipper sounded helpless.

“I make no promises!” Bill called cheerily but Dipper just grimaced. Then he took a deep breath before tugging the door open and stepping out into the storm.

The storm was pretty bad. They could hear thunder rumbling in the distance every couple of minutes. Maybe pine tree would get killed. Maybe a pine tree would get struck by lightning and fall on him. Ha! That would be hilarious. Bill grinned to himself but the hilarity didn’t last. He started to feel…scratchy. He got up and walked around the room but it didn’t help much. He tried putting out the candles with his fingers and re-lighting them but eventually he got too distracted and just ended up burning himself.

All the while Melody was watching him carefully. Finally she decided to speak up. “So you’re a mystery thing.” Bill quirked an eyebrow at her. “You know, like all the weird things around here.” She explained. Bill grinned.

“Honey, I’m _the_ mystery thing.” Bill said, lighting a finger up with blue flame to prove it.

Melody just nodded. Bill was dissapointed with the reaction. Gravity Falls sure was leaving people pretty jaded. Her face scrunched up again and Bill waited while she rode through another contraction. This one seemed longer than the last.

“I heard what you two were talking about earlier.” She continued once she’d recovered. Bill cocked his head to the side, thinking about what he and Dipper had talked about earlier. There was the storm….pine tree’s death….oh she was probably talking about the murder thing. Bill let his expression turn serious as he slowly stood up.

“And what? You think you’ll call the police? As if they could do anything to me?” Bill started stalking towards Melody, his feet creaking on the floor. Bill could see the candlelight flickering in her pupils as they grew wider and darted around to look for an escape. “Or did you think you’d try and threaten me? Not a very good idea considering your current situation.” Bill stopped and stood right in front of her. He leaned an arm against the couch cushion behind her to keep her from running, not that she could have gotten far anyways. To the girl’s credit she glared at him full in the eye when she realized there was no escape. But Bill could see her hands shaking. He could see the way they curled protectively over her stomach as if they could protect the child inside. As if he couldn’t just burn them both up from the inside out with a flick of his wrist.

“I…wanted to give you a warning.” Melody gulped. Bill’s eyebrows shot up and he almost laughed.

“A warning?”

“That’s right. Dipper has a lot of people who care about him.” She started, voice getting steadier as she spoke. “A lot of people who wouldn’t let someone who killed him just get away with it. I mean…he might not seem like much but I’ve seen Soos take on a team of crazed animatronic robots.” Melody smiled slightly at the mention of her baby’s father. Bill took his hand off the couch behind her as she winced her way through another sudden contraction. The girl had a point. Mabel would certainly be problematic. Her mind was a literal maze. Bill knew, he’d been in there and hoo boy was it easy to get lost. At least Dipper’s followed some kind of logic. Mabel has doors popping out of places they couldn’t even conceivably be.

“That is just if you do kill him though. Which, I don’t think you will.” Melody finished, leaning back on the couch with a tired huff.

“Why not?” Bill asked, sitting down on the other end of the couch.

“Because you haven’t been able to sit still since Dipper left. You keep looking at the door like you’re worried he won’t come back.” She pointed out. Bill laughed. He laughed for more than a minute. He laughed until Melody started to shift in her seat uncomfortably.

“You don’t think I want to murder him? You don’t think I want to fuck his brains out? I mean literally cut open the back of his head and run my fingers over the ripples in his brain while he sucks me off?” Melody flinched at his words and started to lean slightly away from him, her expression now one of horror. Bill grinned, continuing. “You don’t think I want to hear his moans of pain as I break his toes one by one with my teeth? Or reach down his throat and pull his intestines out through his mouth? You really think I don’t want to kill him!?” Bill cackled again.

Melody had to clear her throat to speak. “Then…why don’t you?” She asked, voice barely above a whisper.

“Ah, now there’s the question isn’t it? Why don’t I just wring pine tree’s neck until the tubes snap and his spine cracks like cheap china?” Bill could feel the edges of his face stretch out of the way of his teeth. The pregnant woman was staring wide-eyed at his hands while they made a wringing motion. Bill forced himself to relax. It wasn’t good to put stress on a woman in labour. He wrapped one of his arms around her shoulder in reassurance. “Because, my dear, if I murder him then I no longer get to murder him. Do you see?” He looked at Melody’s frozen expression. She gave him a small nod but he knew she didn’t understand. Not really.

The front door slammed open to the maelstrom outside. Dipper stepped into the shack, dripping puddles onto the floor. It didn’t look like the rain jacket had done him any good and Bill was surprised to see he hadn’t lost his hat to the wind.

“We’ve got a problem.” Dipper panted as he forced the door shut. A brief look of confusion crossed his face when he saw Bill sitting with his arm around Melody. “The bridge is out.” He continued anyways, keeping his eye on Bill’s arm.

“Did you try to swim across?” Bill asked snarkily. Dipper narrowed his eyes at him and peeled off the useless jacket. His red long-sleeve underneath clung to his body in ways that made Bill wish he was that shirt. The wet drops sprayed from pine tree’s hair as he shook out his head, flicking onto Bill’s cheeks where he stuck out a tongue to catch them. The boy shivered as he put his hat back on. Bill felt a few flicks of fire spark across his hand. He could warm Dipper up. Oh man did he want to warm Dipper up. Make him so hot he was sweating and had to pant just to get a breath…

“Augh!” Melody shouted, doubling over and interrupting Bill’s thoughts. Dipper glared at Bill as if he’d done something, while he rushed over to Melody’s side. Bill held up his hands to show his innocence.

“I….I think the baby’s….coming sooner than I thought….” Melody groaned in between huffs. Dipper pointed a finger at Bill.

“Go get me some clean towels, a couple of plastic bags, and the dish gloves from under the sink.” He ordered. Obviously Dipper had been thinking about what to do in this situation on his little walk. Bill jumped up to do as he was asked. The less time he spent staring at pine tree’s chest the better. When Bill came back Dipper was murmuring to Melody, telling her to breathe. Bill scoffed internally. Like she didn’t know she had to breathe.

Dipper grabbed the plastic bags first, ripping one open and laying in on the floor. Then he lay a towel over top of it and finally helped Melody to the ground on top of that. He pulled the flashlight of his pocket and placed it on the living room table so that the beam shone towards the pregnant woman.

Dipper paused as Melody pulled up the hem of her dress. He blushed slightly. “Um….I’m sorry I’m going to have to take off your…um….” Melody let out a strained laugh.

“Dipper, by this stage I’ve had so many people poking around down there I’ve forgotten why they’re called ‘privates.’” She said, cringing out a small groan as another contraction started.

“Ha! You’ve had a lot of people poking around down there?” Bill snickered, earning himself a dark glare from Melody. Dipper was still hesitating. Bill rolled his eyes. “Oh for the love of… here.” Bill shoved him out of the way and pulled the maternity briefs off of the pregnant woman so he could get a better view.

Dipper and Melody stared at him for a second while he made a quick examination of the stretched and swollen skin. Then Bill looked up at them both, grinning. “I have no idea what I’m looking at.”

It was Dipper’s turn to roll his eyes and shove Bill out of the way. His face paled when he took a look at what was going on. Bill wondered if he was having flashbacks to highschool health class. Melody let out a scream as her body took over, trying to push the baby out. Her face was red with effort and he could see tears leaking out of her eyes.

“Push!” Dipper said helpfully, having snapped out of his momentary shyness. He’d pulled on the dish gloves and was crouched, ready to catch the baby. Melody couldn’t keep going though and she relaxed for a second, gasping for air.

“It’s almost there, Melody!” Dipper called out, almost excitedly. “Just, like, one more big push and the head will be out. And that’s probably the hardest part right?” Melody nodded even though he couldn’t see her and braced herself for the next contraction. Bill slid a little closer to her, wondering if he should make a deal to take over her body for a little bit. Just for a second…to see what the pain felt like. She’d probably appreciate it, really.

He was about to say something when Melody grabbed his hand with another scream-groan. Bill felt his bones crunch against each other in her grip and winced. Then he felt a little snap and Melody let go, leaning back in exhaustion.

“Okay, a little more…” Dipper called. Bill cradled his stinging hand and slid back away to watch from a safe distance. It only took one more contraction for Dipper to pull out the gray, crying mess of human. But Melody’s body seemed to keep going. Bill peered over Dipper’s shoulder as he tied off an umbilical chord with pieces of plastic bag to see if there was another baby coming but then something red and gooey came out. Oh! Bill knew what that was. That was the placenta. Animals usually eat it after they give birth, to restore nutrients or some such thing. Bill looked from Melanie to Dipper.

“Are either of you going to eat that?” He asked excitedly. Dipper took one look at him, and shoved the still messy baby into Melody’s arms. He just barely got the plastic bag open before he vomited into it. Bill cackled at pine tree’s weak stomach. Seriously, how had the rotten pork chop failed?

When Dipper had emptied his guts out, he sat back in relief. Melody seemed to have control of the infant. She was wiping the birth debris off of its face with another towel and cooing to it softly.

“It’s a girl.” He said softly, not really to anyone. Melody nodded without taking her eyes off the baby. After a few seconds Dipper seemed to come back to himself and began to clean up a little. He left the placenta alone, barely able to look at it, but the bag he’d vomited in went straight to the garbage in the kitchen. Bill heard the sound of the sink running as Dipper washed the rubber gloves.

“What happened to your hand?” Dipper asked when he finally returned, wiping some blood from his arms with a wet towel.

“I think she broke it.” Bill grinned at him while nodding towards the new mother. Dipper frowned.

“Can’t you just…heal it?” He asked. Bill shook his head. Truthfully the pain was helping him keep his mind off of the picture before him of Dipper’s arms smeared with blood.

“I’m good.”

Dipper shrugged and announced he was going upstairs to change. Bill almost got up to follow but a throb in his hand brought him back to himself and he decided to stay put.

When Dipper came back downstairs he sat down next to Melody to get a look at the new baby girl.

“What are you going to name her?” He asked in a hushed voice. As if the infant hadn’t just been brought into the world with a whole lot of screaming and crying.

“We were thinking of the name Willa.” Melody answered. Bill’s ears perked up.

“Hey!” He yelled excitedly from across the room. “That sounds like my name!” Melody and Dipper exchanged a look.

“You might want to rethink that name.” Dipper said.

“Oh we’re definitely rethinking the name.” Melody agreed.

Bill frowned. Why was everyone being so mean to him today?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If I murder him then I no longer get to murder him." See? I told you all your questions would be answered! 
> 
> I got this chapter up quick cause its pretty short in comparison to the others. Also I should probably make it clear that I have never given birth to anything....and I watched one youtube video and promptly shut my computer down. So there are probably details being left out. Just pretend its because Bill doesn't have a good grasp on birthing details.
> 
> If people are freaked out by anything and want it tagged let me know! And, as always, you guys are all super awesome and thank you, thank you, thank you for reading!! <3


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